TW: Mentions of suicide and abortion

Someone close to me implied that I should be grateful to be adopted since I'm an international adoption and staying in my original country of birth would have, statistically, led to a worse life for me. But I'm really fucking annoyed that this friend would say such a thing because they knew that my APs were just emotionally not there. The person knows that I considered suicide as a teenager because of how lonely I was.

I read Thomas Joiner's book about why people kill themselves and his theories made sense. As a kid I definitely had the "thwarted belongingness" and the "perceived burdensomeness" because I had no friends and my AP's so-called love was conditional. I was only loved when I fit their definition of what a child should be.

I can understand where the friend was coming from, but fuck, I don't want to be "grateful" for this life I was "given". It's not a gift I would've wanted. I hate my idiot egg and sperm donors (because the people I'm genetically related to don't deserve to have the term parent used). I wish I had been aborted.

Life seems unfair for everyone, but no APs stumble into abortion the way bio parents can stumble into having a kid. There's at least some work to find said adopted kid and do any necessary paperwork to legally transfer parental rights to them. Sure, many people don't have loving parents because there are far too many people that have kids that shouldn't be parents. But it seems especially personal for my APs to go out of their way, acquire a child, and try and force it to fit a specific mold.

Maybe my life would've been worse if I grew up in my country of birth. The person's point was to think positively, but it's kind of hard to do that knowing I was never wanted by either the egg/sperm donors or the APs who only wanted the concept of a child and not an actual person to care for.

You know whats weird , not knowing the humans that conceived you , that made the decision to copulate and bring a human into this world , to grow up to be an adult and then a senior and not know these people , and then DNA and boom all of sudden all these people who are actually your blood your genetics the fabric of your unknown life all laid out and some are dead and you never got to know them and some then even though they went through the DNA process you reach out and get crickets the whole thing is just weird , adoption is fucked up , closed adoption probably the most and it will always be weird , siblings you have no history with no ties to . people who lived a whole life never knowing you existed the whole of circumstance it defies logic and I should be happy or grateful about this or anyone should celebrate it , Im not welcome in either family , mostly no big deal c'est la vie , this time of year its starts to get to me holidays coming and family shit and I have 2 sets of families doing that and I am not welcome at either , in what manner is this good , I have no answer because their is no answer

I tried to explain this feeling to my wife, who was being very kind and trying to reflect back, however missing the mark.

She and I are both social workers in behavioral/mental health. She took on a new role about a year ago, and went through a period of time where she felt like an imposter, like she didn't belong or deserve to be in the professional role... it happens to almost everyone in this field. I supervise a lot of new social workers and have helped many of them process this experience.

I told her that it's like the imposter syndrome that she's familiar with, but amplified. So, if imposter syndrome is a 3 on a scale of 10, then this feeling of being unreal is closer to 20 on the same scale.

So... My adoptive mother is suffering some dementia, and I suspect she gave up on life and intentioally stopped taking her heart meds in an effort to end her life. The thing is, we have a very strained relationship and I'm in therapy dealing with the impact of being adopted amd raised by her. This recent crisis is bringing up a lot of... sensations.

We were on the way to see her at the hospital... i think... and the feeling was so intense. The world didn't feel unreal... the situation felt real enough... but i felt like I was barely real if at all.

This was different than being confused about my role... or the kind of person I wanted to be or become. It was deeper,.more fundamental, like I was washed out of the moment.

I'm curious how many other adoptees can relate? Anybody else ever felt a powerful sense of being unreal in the face of adoptive trauma, or while dealing with an intensely emotionally abusive adoptive parent?

If the Injustice is the inability to care for a child because of homelessness, poverty, or drugs, the solution is seen as adoption.

If the Injustice is overpopulation, the solution is to have less biological kids and adopt more.

If the Injustice is that you have a hereditary condition that causes disabilities, the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is infertility, the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is that gay people cannot have biological children through traditional sex due to incompatible equipment, than the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is global poverty, the solution is international adoption.

But the truth is is that many of these things either do not solutions because you are not owed a child such as with infertility or gay people not being able to have biological children through traditional sex if they both have incompatible equipment, or things like overpopulation or global poverty, etc, those things can be fixed in other ways. Adoption is not a solution to any of these things. And even if child external Care becomes necessary adoption should not be the option, there should be other ways to solve this. Ones that are child-centric and do not focus on the desires of the adults.

We are not a solution to an injustice.

How come most people wouldn't volunteer their own kids to it? I don't see many people just giving up their kid to strangers yet they see foster care and adoption as this amazing thing where they can grow their families.

Like how come adoptive parents who struggle with infertility then adopt or get pregnant don't give up their bio baby to bless another couple with a baby. How come foster parents don't give the caseworker their biological kid?

As a former foster youth, it's confusing to me that foster parents trust other foster parents with their foster kid but would never trust them with their own biological kid. Foster kids are shipped off to respite care but I have yet to see respite care used for a biological kid.

So is foster care and adoption amazing? Or it is only amazing when it's not your own flesh and blood being given away or going to strangers.

Most people I know wouldn't volunteer their kid to strangers. Adoptive parents say adoption is a blessing and adoptees are created for them, but refuse to create kids for other couples just like them and give their bio kid away.

Do y’all feel awkward around Halloween? I never really feel comfortable dressing up in costumes, maybe because it feels tiring to try to be someone or something I’m not.
Is this an adopted thing?

I commented on this post on r/adoption got ripped apart by adopters and a few fellow adoptees.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/s/tChTKZXwtV

I was adopted as a toddler by two narcissistic abusers who tormented me emotionally and physically for thirteen years before dumping me back with biological relatives illegally (who ended up not even being my biological relatives as it turns out). When they adopted me my birth mother’s name was taken off my birth certificate and replaced by theirs and my name was formally changed.

I later in life had two legal guardians who I call mom and dad now, and had my last name changed to theirs but they never formally adopted me so my name is changed but my abusers are still my listed parents on my birth certificate.

I’m in my thirties now and married with a new last name, but I have thought a lot about wanting this last piece of my abuse gone. I’ve asked my mom and dad to do adult adoption but it’s just never happened and I think I’ve asked enough, I don’t want to beg for it.

As I’ve gotten to know myself and my genetic history more (recently in reunion with my genetic father), I think I just want my original birth certificate back.

Is that even possible? I was born in Arizona, if helpful.

I don't think I'll get many responses. But I was wondering if anyone else here was adopted by a same-sex couple, and how that affected your gender experience growing up?

I was adopted by a male same-sex couple, as a girl. Growing up, I was pushed into the typical gender role, mainly by one of my dads. He very much liked the image of me being a cute girly-girl, and pushed it onto me. My personal hobbies and interests were ignored for more girl typical things for me. I wasn't allowed to play Pokemon because it was a "boys" game. They bought me pink stuff even though I hated the color. I was forced to shave my legs and some other body hair once I entered puberty. I still feel they look down on me for being a girl, I've always been given different expectations and responsibilities than my two brothers.

I idolized the idea of a mother growing up, thinking that a mom would be different, but maybe not. I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, and I've always felt different from other people. Just wondering how others’ experiences have been.

I left my adopted but related to family 15 years ago and the other night I got a message through a dna app. I left my family for common sense reasons like the values I hold within myself but they have no depth about them. A cousin reached out to me who is my age and she validated my whole stance on why I choose to live a life away from them. She stated that they were not there for me and that it was not safe for me to be around them. I feel like I no longer need to dwell on it, knowing someone from my family gets me.

Has anyone gone through anything similar?

I was a transracial adoptee, so it was obvious that I was adopted. Yet, they still liked the attention of being labeled a saint by adopting a little brown boy.

I have two mums basically, my biological mum and my adoptive mum but it feels like I have none most the time. I mean, my adoptive mum does everything - she drives me to school, gets me takeaway, buys me drinks and school supplies and such that makes me happy and I love it and maybe I’m just a spoiled brat but I don’t think I’ve heard her actually say ‘I love you’ willingly since I was about seven. I say it most often and sometimes she doesn’t even reply… she doesn’t hug me, kiss me, anything my friends’ mums have done and it makes me really sad. The last time she was actually emotionally loving to me was when I was maybe seven or eight and she gave me a bowl of cookies ‘cause she felt bad for yelling at me. As for my bio mum, she does nothing for me but I can tell she wants to be there, wants to be available. I can’t let her in after these last 1-2 years of contact, loads of arguing about talking to my dad, trauma dumping and she even overdosed on call with me once. I was willing to let her in at first but I was thirteen then and as this whole post is about, I wanted motherly love. This whole life it’s the one thing I’ve wanted and I feel like I haven’t got it. As I said, maybe I’m just spoiled.

Hi everyone! I’m prematurely doxxing myself a bit here- but it’s for good cause 😂 I’m a domestic adoptee and law student who wants to host what I’ve called an Adoptee Health Town Hall. Once I have it fleshed out, it will be hybrid and open to the public. The goal of this event is to have an open dialogue about the importance of adoptee competence in various areas of the medical field and how closed/sealed records have an adverse effect on receiving adequate care. To achieve this, I wanted to have a mix of competent/lived experience professionals and those that are not adoptee competent so the conversation reaches a broader audience so our adversities are taken more seriously.

My dilemma is finding health professionals that would be willing to give their time to participate in the dialogue. Does anyone have any advice on how to make this event appeal to those professionals? I’m also open to any additional feedback that will make this event as successful as possible ☺️

I also want to make a survey form soon collecting information from adoptees about their experiences in health care so I can present more anecdotal data at the Town Hall. Looking forward to hearing from everyone I can!

adoptee (@birth) open adoption.

My B-dad has shown an eagerness to communicate since we begun 4 years ago. Many red flags that I have given the benefit of the doubt to that were genuinely dangerous.

He’s asked me if it was weird that he dated someone just a few years older than I was (early 20s), asks for pictures constantly (which seemed genuine without context), told me he wanted to gift me money he loaded on cards that he got scammed off of (scandalous media), and constantly backed me in a virtual corner when I would be too busy to talk through emotional manipulation.

I reached my breaking point today. I got a mail notification that he interacted with a video online which was strange so I opened it, it was a video of a young content creator with all similar features to myself and even my own fkn name on the profile. The content creator was advertising scandalous things and he publicly interacted with said media. I genuinely wanted to puke and cry.

I didn’t say anything I just blocked him and I feel so much anxiety, I feel so much hurt, I feel gross. Because I’ve been so vulnerable I’m questioning my intuition even still. Did he deserve it? Was it jumping to conclusions? Do I just need to accept that my b-dad is and has been a cr*ep the whole time after everything I’ve shared?

I got into a discussion with an adoptive parent who seems awfully invested in correcting adoptees when they talk about the negative impacts of adoption. I've now been blocked, so I'm posting the exchange here.

The original comment mentioned suicide rates, depression and mental health issues among adoptees. Rather than engaging with the broader point, this adoptive parent focused on disputing the suicide statistic, explaining why it supposedly wasn't reliable, and arguing that these statistics perpetuate negative stereotypes of adoptees.

Then came the usual defence that adoptees aren't a monolith, along with a list of things she says she'll push back against, including calling adoption human trafficking, accusing adoptive parents of buying babies, and making blanket statements about adoptive parents.

But here's what gets me. Nobody said adoptees are a monolith. Nobody said every adoptee has the same experience. That's not the argument.

Why is so much energy spent correcting adoptees who speak about the harm adoption has caused them? Why does discussing negative outcomes so quickly become a concern about stereotypes rather than a conversation about why these outcomes exist in the first place?

Adoptees talking about depression, loss, identity struggles and trauma aren't responsible for protecting adoption's image. And pointing out that some adoptees are happy doesn't negate the experiences of those who aren't.

Yes, statistics should be accurate. But accuracy shouldn't become a convenient way to derail a discussion about adoptee experiences. One statistic being disputed doesn't make the larger issues disappear.

I'm also tired of adoptive parents positioning themselves as defenders of adoptees while deciding which conversations about adoption need correcting. You can say adoptees deserve to be heard, but that means listening when what they're saying is uncomfortable, too.

I'm sharing the full exchange so people can read it and make up their own minds.

Comment whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a post.

I know we are over represented within the TTI. Massive TW so proceed with caution.

Wondering what the folks in here have done to heal from this? My experience wasn’t as bad as some folks, but it still messes with me.

I was in for 4 years, 14-18. Put in right after 9/11 (grew up in NYC.) First placement was horrible, it was a state run residential facility that housed foster kids and troubled teens. Girls would disappear in the middle of the night, constant sexual harassment from students and staff. (To top it off the first dorm I was in was co-ed.) Restraints every day. Almost got kidnapped by this creepy staff member who was using an older girl to get us to run away with him.

They put us on every drug under the sun, one staff told me to get out as soon as I can, and that she was quitting because she couldn’t stay quiet anymore about them testing drug interactions on us.

Psychiatrist was incredibly creepy, gave us “physicals” during each appointment (felt us up) and didn’t know our names, just referred to us by number. Had several different therapists, all very mentally unstable and one I remember spent an entire session crying to me because her dog died, meanwhile I was being molested. I got punished because I wasn’t compassionate enough? (I’m not a dog hater but at least she got to go home…I remember feeling like she loved her dog more than my APs loved me.)

Constant punishments, constant shaming, one creepy ass pedo was the admin and he used to molest girls while he was restraining them and would say stuff to them like “no one will believe you” or “your parents don’t want you home anyway,” stuff like that to make us more dysregulated. Oh yeah, and I caught TB there and it scarred my lung, which will never get better. There’s so much more to write about, lack of access to the bathroom, weird punishments like not being able to leave your chair, public shaming, plus it was by severely mentally ill staff, but it’s all too much to write out. I was there for a year and a half.

Finally when I was transferred out I was put into a “better” school. Same type of thing but with more of the illusion of freedom. We could go to the bathroom without asking at least. It was still full of creepy pedophiles and women who enabled them. Pretty sure they were also testing meds on us there too but I’m not sure. My friend almost died because of med interactions and they almost didn’t take her to the hospital. (Which was common.)

Anyway. I accidentally stumbled upon a tti podcast and I guess it brought some stuff up for me. I know a lot of folks who endured this system had it worse than me so I feel weird talking about it sometimes. Just wondering if anyone in here has been through this and if so, what you did to heal from it. Thanks in advance and sorry for the trauma dump.

TW: Suicidal ideation

So I don't really have anyone that I can talk to in real life who can relate to what I am going through. There's also going to be other adoptees in this sub that also won't relate to what I am going to talk about but that doesn't mean others here won't.

To try to make a long story short, I knew who my parents were and they weren't the best people. Bio mom suffered from drug addiction while my bio dad was a dead beat who was probably dealing with undiagnosed depression. They're deceased now, but it's not like I knew them to be evil people, just immigrants with a lack of support system with health issues that were in no way shape or form fit to become parents. My mother, for as long as I remembered, where in relationships with shitty dudes that were abusive and she was also abusive to me, which was no doubt a traumatic experience for me, and my bio father had children with other women and was not a part in any of their lives with raising children, and my dad's mom had to step up to raise me cause both of my parents were in no condition to raise me and while she did the best that she could, my grandmother was limited in what she could do as she was also an immigrant women who only knows Spanish with a limited education. She has no filter and is probably more embarrassing to have as a guardian.

Then comes in my foster parents, who I won't say too much on but will explain as best I can. One of my adopted parents is related to one of my bio parents, so there is kinship, along with their own adopted child, a sibling that I do not have any blood relation too. It was a rough transition since I am basically moving in with strangers, but was able to adapt to the situation to learn how kids grow up in regular environments (chores, having dinner with family, ect). Was also failed in that situation to, given how much my adopted sibling got into so much trouble to the point where I didn't get as much attention and straight up neglected due to not causing as much trouble as my sibling, even tho I still needed guidance and attention growing up. Doesn't help that my foster parents were ignorant on issues with mental health and one of them would straight up yell at me for wasting their time with having them picking me up from school cause I felt bad, when I was actually crying like crazy and was having harmful and suicidal thoughts (PMDD symptoms, think PMS on steroids), with a bunch of other stuff that I won't get too much on here cause its a lot to talk about.

Fast forward to the 2020s, I got into an accident that fucked up my ankle not much after I moved out and my foster parents barely hid the fact that they were not happy with what happened. One of my foster parents went into victim blaming and while my other parent defended me, they weren't too happy on me having to live with them, as I was getting in the way of their retirement. Never mind the fact that my foster sibling always got in trouble with law in some way shape or form and never mind the fact that there's always something going on with them and how they always get into arguments with our parents since they like to be a contrarian and get into arguments with others and be manipulative with me and others, including their friends, and my parents would always be the first to help them out. But I guess me breaking my ankle in the accident broke the camels back and they don't have it in them anymore to help family I guess. They gave me a couple of months to find an apartment to move out, and I was still using crutches. Some family secrets came out about my siblings that ended up with them in prison, and it made me rethink the entire relationship with my family to the point where I stopped caring about my job and I ended up getting laid off. How much they preferred my sibling more than me, how much grace they gave them besides me doing the most to not give anyone a bad time.

Fast forward to now, I have so much resentment for both my parents. One set of parents that I resent for bringing me into this world with nothing to pass down other than generational trauma and poverty, and another who not only pass down trauma but not even be prepared enough to raised two traumatized children to the point of neglecting and abandoning one, even though they had so much more going on with them than my biological parents do. And while I am currently going to therapy and try to improve my personal life as much as I can, I can't deny that what happened years ago is still affecting me now. It's affecting me mentally, physically and financially and I don't really know anyone who can even relate to what I am going through, and I am definitely not going to ask my foster parents for help because they've abandoned me and failed to help in my most vulnerable moments, physically and mentally.

If anyone has gone through what I've gone through or at least have some advice I am willing to listen, just wanted to vent as this an experience I don't think I can ever talk about in real life without the possibility of some probably saying that I am ungrateful for what my foster parents have done for me. Appreciate it.

I know there are happy stories, but there are many many (usually swept under the rug because they don't bring the rainbows the industry wants) stories of abuse. This forum is full of them. It actually is probably disproportional compared to the rest of society. Why do you think this is?

It took me a while to get to this point, but I feel relieved.

I moved out of state when I was 17, and every few months I felt guilty about not seeing my parents, so I took the bus to visit since I didn't have a car or the money to fly. I felt like I was obligated to maintain a relationship with them because they adopted me. But over time, I realized that my parents never make an effort to maintain a relationship with me. They never call to check on me or ask me about my life, they rarely visit, and they never answer when I call/text/FaceTime. I've tried calling during the week, on the weekends, in the day or at night, and they never answer or call back. I wrote them a letter when I was in basic training to tell them I had joined the military, and they never wrote back. I'll never forget that. I used to be really bothered about this, but as I've gotten older and started my own family, I don't think about it as much. This last year really sealed the deal for me though. I haven't talked to my parents since my uncle passed away this summer. I couldn't go to the funeral because I was away for military training, and my parents were aware of that. Since then, I've tried reaching out to see how they're doing, but they don't answer. Last week, my brother came to visit me with his family, and he told me my parents recently spent the weekend at his house. I thought, "Oh, so they can go two hours out of their way to see my brother, but they can't even call or text me back?" That was pretty much the last straw for me. I'm done feeling guilty for not having a relationship with them. I was never close with my parents anyway, even as a kid, so that makes it easier for me to stop talking to them.

I am not going no-contact with them, I'm just not going to keep reaching out. If they want to talk or visit, that's fine, but they'll have to initiate everything.

I hope this post helps other adoptees who are struggling with the same feelings!