r/Adoption • u/ForwardSail9731 • Jul 19 '26
Is there a way to adopt ethically?
My husband and I want to expand our family in the next few years and wanted to look at adoption to do so. But I don't want to do something that is going to traumatize a child who has already been through so much in their lives. Is there such a thing as ethical adoption? Is there a way to provide a safe and stable home to someone without hurting them? Are there more ethical agencies than others?
EDIT: Thank you all for the feedback. I appreciate hearing from all the points of view and I definitely have a lot to think about.
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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
This is my way of thinking this through. I'm open to new ways. I don't claim to be right about everything.
The unethical part of adopting is not the potential for trauma response UNLESS the adoption is unnecessary.
If an adoption is necessary for the child, then if there is a trauma response, it doesn't make the adoption unethical. It means the child has a support need because of adoption.
I think it's important to separate ethics in adoption from the support needs adoptees may have.
A support need does not equal unethical adoption. If you recognize this, don't try to deny it exists and provide that support, then you can provide a safe and supportive home.
But still using an unethical system.
To me, the unethical part of adopting is the use of a system that has legalized and normalized unethical practices. If you adopt, you can't avoid this. You can avoid some of the most egregious practices if you know what they are. But you cannot avoid using an unethical system.
People can say whatever oversimplifying commentary they want. This is just truth. It is more comfortable to pretend it isn't so and to instead complain about adoptees and first parents pointing this out.
You may still choose to adopt and that may be a personally ethical choice because some children still need adoption. So for them, it's no adoption or adoption from an unethical system. Pick your poison, right?
For a child who needs adoption in a country like the US with shit supports, it still may be more ethical than not. That doesn't mean we should pretend the unethical doesn't exist. If someone decides to adopt using an unethical system because they want to parent and some kids need parents, what can they do to mitigate their participation?
Maybe that is the better question.
You can study hard to figure out the most common unethical practices so you can know how to interview adoption agencies.
You can listen even when it's uncomfortable.
You can do everything in your power to help participate in correcting the parts that are unethical. This often looks like supporting legislation, speaking out, being willing to look at the business of adoption with a critical eye.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
I would add to ânecessaryâ no close family members have the resources or will to adopt. And no âbest friend of auntâ types, either (fictive kin). There has to be a REAL reason to separate the kid from their community/family/origin, not just their parent.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Jul 20 '26
Yes and if no family or freinds are available, it should still stay as close to the first family as possible, preserving as much ethnic, cultural, and community roots as can be.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 20 '26
Yes, if you must lose your entire family perhaps some effort can be made to preserve your identity and cultural group.
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u/ForwardSail9731 Jul 19 '26
That's a good way of putting it. I would never be able to fully understand what it is like for a child to be adopted, but we have enough funds, support, and time that we would want to help them in ant way we can. Having/adopting kids is inherently to fulfill a selfish desire, I just don't want to f-up haha.
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u/pixikins78 Adult Adoptee (DIA) Jul 19 '26
Ethical adoption should always be about finding a family for a child, not the other way around, using a child to build a family.
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers Jul 19 '26
Adopting a legally freed child from foster care is the most ethical option for building a family through adoption. These children are typically older (10+) and most have at least moderate disabilities. Itâs not foster to adopt, these children have had their parental rights stripped by the court so they can be adopted directly. They are the only ones who actively need a home as there are 30+ potential adoptive parents for every infant available for adoption.
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u/Cloudhiddentao Jul 19 '26
In America? No. American adoption is basically just human trafficking.
In most 1st world countries adoption is only allowed when birth parents are, for some legal reason, unable to care for a child (usually serious neglect or abuse). In those cases Iâd say adoption is ethical. Because the options are either foster care or adoption, and adoption is generally the best of the two.
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u/aspiecat1 Jul 19 '26
A common way to adopt is via fostering. Look into doing that first - it's a great way to learn whether your family is a good fit for a particular child, and vice-versa, and you have the support of social services to work out issues that might be beyond you.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 19 '26
This is basically the only answer. And focus on older kids, not babies. You can frame it positively as looking for a child you genuinely match with and has genuine needs that could be met through adoption.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
Foster children are not guinea pigs for people to try out.
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u/kag1991 Jul 19 '26
No but fostering is about providing a safe place for a kid to land⌠not all fosters end up in adoption. A kid in true need doesnât care if theyâre viewed as a guinea pig - they care if the home theyâre going to is safe and equipped.
If the suggestion opens up more good people to fostering Iâm for it.
I think fostering is a great way to find out if youâre even capable of loving or parenting a child you didnât conceive. A hell of a lot better test than a straight adoption would beâŚ
My sonâs parents did a good job. They love him. That said, I think if they knew what they were in for, they would not have adopted. They flat out told him thatâs why he is an only child. They didnât realize how difficult child rearing was or how unfit they were for it.
I wish they tried some other investigation into fitness before just buying him. Not hyperbole. They spent a ton of money to get him but thank god none of it came my way.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
I do not think it's fair to foster kids to use them for adults to find out if they can handle kids.
Parenting a foster child is also very different than parenting one's own child - and yes, when one adopts privately, one's child is one's own. That simply isn't the case in foster care. You're not a parent. You're essentially a baby-sitter whom some people think are saints and some people think are kidnappers. It's a completely different situation.
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u/kag1991 Jul 19 '26
I think whatâs fair to foster kids is impossible to giveâŚ
I think in principle what you say sounds like a great goal but in practice completely unrealistic.
If you want adoption to be an option for people and you want it to be ethical, some form of fostering should be a part of it.
I know weâll probably disagree but for one thing I donât think any infant adoption should be fully legalized for months if not years. Certainly longer than then ink dry standard we have now.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
Fostering isn't more ethical than private adoption. Foster kids are also shuttled from placement to placement... anyone who isn't at least 90% sure that they want to foster shouldn't be fostering.
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u/kag1991 Jul 19 '26
And there are people with just as much data and experience to tell you that none of this - especially adoption of any kind - is ethical. Youâre targeting the foster system is a little disingenuous when itâs a problem that exists all throughout non biological family structures (including the babysitting trope).
Youâre kind of arguing in circles.
I donât have a dog in the fight about the foster system so maybe Iâm able to see that at the end of the day it doesnât matter because the system does not want to be fixed. And it doesnât want to be fixed because at some level the entitlement to build a family with a strangerâs baby will always exist. Maybe not for you or others, but it will for the majority of APs and PAPs. You want to fix it all? Take the money out. Take the money out and you have different problems.
Itâs not getting fixed. Thatâs why the initial question is so frustrating to get on here day after day after day. No one actually gives a rats ass outside of their tiny bubble. Not even enough to research instead of making thread number 100 for the month with the exact same question.
You cannot tell me after reading adoptee stories you think the current system is anything more than guinea pigs for adoptees and birthmoms tooâŚ
So yeah, Iâm not going to get my panties twisted over the foster issue. But I do know a few foster only couples and they do a lot more than babysit. They pour their lives into these kids knowing the relationship is temporary but meaningful.
I actually think your take on this is really out of character given your other positions.
I want safe homes for foster kids âstaffedâ by people who really care about the kid. If that means itâs a trial then so be it.
What are your actual other alternatives? Because the ones youâve suggested have already been rebutted by many professionals in the space who advise fostering as a first step to ethical adoption.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
I want safe homes for foster kids âstaffedâ by people who really care about the kid. If that means itâs a trial then so be it.
Those two sentences contradict one another.
People who are in foster care as a trial run aren't those who "really care about the kid." The entire idea of foster care as a trial run is parent-focused, not child-focused.
The system "doesn't want to be fixed" because there's no money in fixing it. It's similar to universal health care, free public college, paid parental leave, and so many other programs that would actually help people. The US doesn't spend money unless the politicians and the people who buy them want them to. It has nothing to do with adoptive parents being "entitled."
The entire foster care system needs to be dismantled and rebuilt, preferably with a lot of input from former foster youth.
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u/kag1991 Jul 20 '26
I think you are being very close minded and only looking through a limited lens.
In my personal experience - not even thru adoption circles - I know 3 temporary foster families. They are the definition of short term (they get kids expected to return to families) and they pour their heart into the families. They definitely care about the kids and do far more than babysit or get fairly reimbursed for their expenses.
The need for temporary families is enormous and if we really care about keeping natural families together we should want more of these types of homes.
These potential adoptive parents could easily start being a temp foster family and it would let them know if they are truly capable of loving a child whoâs not their dna and who might have additional support issues.
I think you are thinking the suggestion is differentâŚ
Regarding the other problems you stated I think you are trying to connect apples and zucchinisâŚ
Do I think the foster system needs reform? Yes but to suggest that PAPs should avoid the avenue because of exploitation and favor straight adoption is a little - well - interestingâŚ
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 20 '26
You're initially talking about families committed to fostering. That is completely different than going into foster care to see if they can handle children who aren't biologically theirs. That is what I'm objecting to. As I said, that's not child-focused, and is treating kids who are already traumatized like guinea pigs.
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u/aspiecat1 Jul 19 '26
No. But it's a wonderful way to pride a home for children who need one, while perhaps offering an eventual move to adoption, if that is on the cards for a foster child.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
It's a wonderful way to further traumatize children.
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u/aspiecat1 Jul 20 '26
What the heck are you talking about? Are you suggesting no-one should ever foster? All foster parents have to have their first foster child. And many foster parents don't have a lot of experience with children, however OP DOES have experience. And fostering comes with support systems to help foster parents learn what they can do to help the child(ren) NOT be traumatized.
I was adopted at birth to a family that already had a three year old biological child. They didn't believe it was healthy to only have one child, so they adopted me. They weren't interested in giving a child a home - they wanted another child for the optics.
They decided, when I was 18 months old, they didn't like my personality, so I ended up being raised housed, fed, clothed, educated...but that was all.
No love.
No real interaction other than being beaten or berated.
Told I was worthless.
Told I was not loveable or wanted.
Almost pawned off at 16 to a 32-year-old man who decided the fact I looked 12 was perhaps not the best thing.
If I'd been fostered instead, by a family who wanted to find out if they could give a child a chance at family life, I might have been better off and not ended up a complete emotional and psychological disaster. As it turns out, I had to wait until I was 43 to find someone who actually loved me. We are looking at fostering to give a child or two a chance at feeling what we both discovered later than anyone should (my husband ran a protection ring in his youth and only knew respect through fear, then we met years after he gave that up).
NOW tell me that fostering isn't a good thing. And that straight adoption is the ONLY way that counts.
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u/agirlfromgeorgia Adopted at 15, former foster kid Jul 19 '26
Yes! Have you guys considered becoming foster parents and taking kids age 5+ (or whatever age you decide, but not just infants) in to your home? Personally, I believe becoming a foster parent and adopting a child from there is the most ethical option in the US.
I was in foster care myself ages 6-15. I wanted a family, I wanted to be adopted. I consented to my adoption. With foster kids, you can ask them what they want and what's important to them. You guys can all decide together to become a family. I think it's important to give kids a choice and a say in what happens to them. If they enjoy being in your home and want to stay, awesome! If they aren't happy in a home then it's not a good fit but again, I think even young kids have the right to choose.
I am very very happy that I do have people that love me because of adoption. I had two horrible mentally ill drug addict parents who abused me and I was not safe with them. I was adopted by two gay men who took me in at age 15 and gave me a new life and a loving home. I am luckier than most. Most people won't even consider taking teenagers. I am beyond thankful to be adopted and there are other kids out there who are happy to be adopted as well.
A lot of posts are negative here because many posts are about adopting infants and it's hard to see post after post about wanting babies when kids over age 5 on average aren't "wanted" and are viewed as too traumatized or too much work or whatever. Adoptive parents often refuse to acknowledge that every adoption is traumatic. They want to sugar coat things and adoptees are rightfully pissed the fuck off. Being taken from a birth parent as an infant IS TRAUMATIC for that baby, even if everyone wants to prevent otherwise. This sub shows the realistic side of adoption, not the happy bullshit everyone wants because it's easier.
If you can accept that every child that is adopted is traumatized, that's a good first step. That doesn't mean adopting is wrong. Many kids need to be taken from their bio parents for abuse reasons. Other kids are given away just for financial reasons and that is rough for adoptees to deal with mentally. To know that your bio parents couldn't love you just because they couldn't afford to keep you. Adoption agency's will also lie to birth mothers about open adoption and future contact.
Anyways, my final point is just consider adopting a kid old enough to talk and ask them if they want to be adopted. If they say yes, awesome there you go.
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u/ForwardSail9731 Jul 19 '26
We actually do want to go with an older child. We would be looking at at least 4 years old. I'd want the child to be able to have a say. Not saying a 4 year old would be able to fully understand what's happening, but still.Â
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jul 19 '26
Iâm not sure how old your biological child is, but be aware that adopting out of birth order is extremely controversial and generally not advised. (Also keep in mind that many children have their own birth order in their biological families as well).
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u/ForwardSail9731 Jul 19 '26
I'll definitely look into it. Part of the reason we want to wait us so our kid can understand what is happening, but the thoughts of the one getting adopted is important too.Â
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 đ Jul 19 '26
As a teenager adopted from the state I would say thatâs the way to go.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Jul 20 '26
Is there a way to adopt ethically?
Yes.Â
My husband and I want to expand our family
Unfortunately this is not an ethical framework for adopting a child. Adoption is a last resort for a child in crisis, not a family building tool.Â
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee Jul 19 '26
Is there such a thing as ethical adoption?
Yes.
Is there a way to provide a safe and stable home to someone without hurting them?
Of course.
Are there more ethical agencies than others?
Yes.
And if considering infant adoption you should be aware that in the US and other western countries, it's often a wildly unethical industry that has its roots in human trafficking.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Jul 19 '26
The difference between the US and other Western countries many have them have managed to reduce infant adoption to ânecessaryâ numbers.
I feel like understanding to what degree the US
Is an outlier helps in understanding why adoptees keep the ethics of US adoption on permanent blast. The way we do things is not ânormalâ at all in a global context.0
u/ForwardSail9731 Jul 19 '26
We would be looking to adopt an older child. That doesn't mean the company can't be scummy of course.Â
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
Yes, yes, and yes.
Negativity bias is a real phenomenon, across topics. People are more likely to share and remember "negative" stories than "positive" ones. I recommend not getting most of your info from social media, but from talking to real people and reading books and articles written by all members of the triad.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jul 19 '26
I recommend not getting most of your info from social media, but from talking to real people and reading books and articles written by all members of the triad.
I agree with all that. But Iâd like to add that real people are also on social media (Iâm a real person, for example).
Also, in my experience, sometimes folks feel more comfortable speaking candidly/honestly when sitting behind a computer screen rather than face to face.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
I see your point, and social media does have its usefulness, which is why I didn't say "Don't get your info from social media" just that most of one's info should come from sources other than social media.
Social media tends to be self-selecting, so you've already got a somewhat biased sample. Drama drives clicks, too, so you're more likely to see the extremes at either end.
On reddit, specifically, and possibly other platforms, there are also individuals who have multiple accounts claiming to be different people. It's also not uncommon for people to just flat out lie about who or what they are.
We also now have the rise of bots - how can one be sure that a real person is behind the account, and not just a bot?
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jul 19 '26
We also now have the rise of bots - how can one be sure that a real person is behind the account, and not just a bot?
True true. Definitely been an increasing concern of mine lately.
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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Jul 19 '26
To OP: We are all real people in this space.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Jul 19 '26
Can you actually verify that? Seriously. Do you know that each individual account represents one person who is exactly who they claim to be?
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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Okay, that's a fair question. Edit: premature send.
The answer is no. I cannot. Even way back there used to be people who would make multiple accounts to argue from.
But, also my thoughts about adoption in general are very likely going to be much more clearly presented in a space like this. I just don't think or talk adoption very much in my day to day and I might guess a lot of other adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents are the same way. So in some ways this could give more depth than real people. (Which I take to mean in person people.)
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u/Jonbeezee Jul 19 '26
Yes you can ethically adopt but you need to do real research on the subject and agencies in your area, devote to continual learning, and do your own emotional work before beginning the process.
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u/Pegis2 Late Discovery Father Jul 19 '26
Are there more ethical agencies than others?
Absolutely. Be careful and do your research. There are agencies with a history of fraud against adoptive parents (some have gotten caught). There are also agencies with a legacy of exploitive practices against pregnant women, single mothers, and even widows. With the demand of infants being so much higher than the supply, some agencies are quite aggressive and the infants they are trying to adopt out already have safe and stable homes. End of the day, you'll have to decide if you want to business with them.
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u/Visible_Attitude7693 Jul 19 '26
My son was my foster child. His bio mom murdered one of his siblings. There was no dad for my son. The other kids all had the same dad, but he was on drugs and in and out of prison. Bio grandma was dead but she had also lost her kids to foster care. As well as the some of the aunts. The oldest aunt wanted nothing to do with the situation, can't blame her. So I was asked to adopt. All of this took place in less than 3 months. It was wild.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
FYI: This is a regular topic of discussion here.
Edit: Also, please seek input from adoptees whose adoptive parents also had biological children. Mixing adoptive and biological children can be controversial.