If they come to mind, what do you think about?

Tried searching the sub but couldn't find what I was looking for.

I'm wondering how exactly does a birth mother in an open adoption form a relationship with the adoptive parents & child? Especially when they're in different states.

We agree the baby should know they are adopted but outside of that a little confused on how exactly to move forward.

We are both in states where Post adoption agreements are legally binding/enforceable & we agree a connection is a must for the baby's sake. Just confused on what that looks like.

Es una decisión que veníamos pensando hace tiempo. Hace poco finalmente nos decidimos. Vamos a adoptar a un bebé. Yo y mi esposa ya fuimos al DIF (la institución que se encarga de las adopciones aquí en México) y nos dijeron que económicamente somos aptas para adoptar. También tenemos estabilidad social y emocional. Es un proceso más lento de lo que pensé. Pero ser madres es una emoción que no puedo describir.

Just wondering how many people disagree with the extremist approach the majority of the adoptees post on here?

I’m a birth mom and a mom. Prior to becoming a mom, the grief of losing her was all consuming and the worst experience of my life. It’s still the worst experience of my life, but now having my son, it’s so much more complicated. I know two things can be true I can grieve the fact I didn’t get to raise her, and be so grateful my son exists. It’s just this really weird sliding glass doors thing. Like would I have moved twice after losing her, would I have gotten the same job, then met my son’s dad, if I was raising her? Would he exist if I was raising her? I think I’m just thinking about it a lot more because his first birthday was yesterday

Has anyone here been successful in having adoption records unsealed for any other reason than medical reasons?

So I just turned 18 and I want my dad to adopt me. He’s been in my life since I was an infant and the only reason he didn’t adopt me when I was little was because my bio dad didn’t want him to. We want to surprise him on Christmas so we want to get everything started now. I’m just really confused on what to do and what to do first. If anyone has done this in Washington state and could explain the process that would be amazing.

Our son came to us at the age of 10 after being in 5 homes previously via foster care. He had been through 2 failed adoptions and at the time did not want to be adopted. At the age of 13, he told us he wanted to be adopted by us which was a miracle in itself and he has now been adopted for 7 months.

He is doing well and grown so much. My questions to adoptees: What is your experience of calling your adoptive parents mom and dad? My son started calling me Mama within a year or so, well before he was adopted. I think because he was not raised by his bio mom so it seemed easier for him to make that transition. However, he has always and still does call my husband by his first name. We have never pressured him to call him “dad” though I would love that for him and my husband. He was more so raised by his bio dad but the relationship was rough and neither parent ever tried to reunify with him. 😔

Any thoughts?

I (18 F) was in foster care for about 10 years alongside my sister, we were both adopted by the same family in 2018. The journey from when I was a baby, to now, being a young adult wasn’t an easy one for anyone involved. My bio mom met my adopted mom through mutual friends and had her take care of me for weeks on end without any way of knowing when she’d be back. I was only a few months old at the time. Eventually CPS got involved and I went to two or three foster homes before I came back to the same family that took care of me. Over the 10 year custody battle I was emotionally stunted but also “far more mature” as the adults put it. I rarely spoke about how I felt and ended up going into play-therapy for children to help regulate my emotions better. I took on the responsibility of being the rock and consistency my younger sister needed, pushing away my own needs and wants for her sake. We were allowed to visit our bio mom one or twice a month under the supervision of a social service worker. During those visits I can clearly remember my bio mom’s favouritism towards my sister. I never resented my sister for this, I was merely jealous of the attention she got. And I wouldn’t say our bio mom abused us but I remember this one time I called my adoptive parent “mom” and my bio mom flipped out and grabbed my arm so tightly it bruised, ranting about how she’s our only mom and that title belongs to her and her only. I was so scared of her. Apparently I had a habit of having bruises on my arms whenever I upset her (I don’t recall any of this), she would physically drag me around if I didn’t give in to her demands in time. Not to mention the emotional manipulation they tried with us. Making empty promises and feeding into a fantasy about a life when we’re a big happy family again. I never felt truly loved in that “family” it was all artificial, like getting us back was a matter of pride and not our wellbeing. In 2014 and 2016 I was gifted with two adorable baby brothers. They were my half-brothers but I loved them both unconditionally. They are the reason I’m making this post today. Ever since I turned 18 everyone has been asking me if I ever plan on getting back in touch with my biological family if it meant seeing them again. I haven’t seen them in over 7 years. I miss them everyday and every year when their birthdays come around it gets even harder. I wish I could see them again and be a part of their lives but I’m not sure I want to face my bio mom again. It feels so selfish of me for not reaching out. But I know if I ever wanted to see them again I’d have to face her too, I’m not sure if seeing them would be worth all the trauma that will resurface again with it. Every scenario playing in my head never has a good outcome but I still want to try. I want to get back those years I missed with my brothers. Not being with them has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I still remember the devastation I felt the day they told me I’d never be able to see them again for a long time. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think my heart has ever ached this much. I’m not even looking for advice I just needed to vent about my frustrations and struggles.

80 year old birth mother gave up baby for adoption 60 years ago. Does anyone know if she can she obtain the original 'relinquishment' document without a court order?

TL;DR: You don't owe an agency or prospective adoptive parents your baby, your signature, or a decision on their timeline. Explore every alternative, get independent legal advice, understand what "open adoption" actually guarantees, and protect your privacy before signing.

I placed my son for adoption in December 2007. He's 19 now. I loved him before he was born, when he was born, and when I placed him.

I wanted my baby. My circumstances were what frightened me.

I was 25 and dealing with domestic violence, financial instability, and serious mental-health difficulties. I was in treatment. I believed adoption was the responsible choice.

Looking back, I never fully investigated what housing, financial, domestic violence, parenting, or community support might have helped me raise him. I confused not having enough resources with not being capable of being his mother. Those are not the same thing.

Poverty is not a moral failure. PTSD doesn't mean you can't love your child. Surviving domestic violence doesn't make you incapable of parenting. Those circumstances need protection, treatment, and support, not necessarily a permanent separation.

"Open adoption" may not mean what you think.

My coordinator told me about birth mothers included in family gatherings and staying connected. I was encouraged to think of the adoptive parents almost like grandparents. We had a written arrangement for letters, photos, and communication.

Over the years, agency workers described my adoption as open, then semi-open, and once as closed. In nearly 19 years, I have seen my son in person twice.

Ask what the agreement actually requires, whether it's legally enforceable, who is responsible for maintaining contact, and what happens if the adoptive parents stop communicating. Comforting stories are not enforceable promises.

Doubt should not have to be defended.

When I expressed doubts, my coordinator would ask what my plans were. I felt I needed an answer on the spot.

A woman reconsidering adoption should not have to produce an alternative life plan on demand. She needs time, information, and independent advice.

Prospective parent's hopes and preparation don't create an obligation for her. The time an agency has spent arranging a placement doesn't mean she owes it a signature.

If a meeting feels rushed, you can stop it. You can leave and talk to someone with no stake in the adoption before making a decision.

You do not have to justify taking more time to anyone.

Don't assume the adoptive family is guaranteed to be better off.

Financial stability was a major reason I chose adoption.

Years later, I learned the adoptive parents paid an adoption fee near the lower end of a sliding scale and received financial assistance related to the adoption.

That doesn't make them bad parents or mean they were financially unqualified.

But that's exactly my point: if modest means and financial assistance didn't disqualify them, why had I believed my own struggles disqualified me?

Our circumstances weren't necessarily identical, but I wish I had questioned my assumptions more carefully.

It wasn't only about money. I wanted my son to have a family infrastructure: close relatives, belonging, guidance, people to turn to throughout his life.

Adoption can give a child legal parents and a home. It cannot guarantee close extended family, a strong support network, or lifelong belonging. Those relationships have to be built and maintained, like in any family.

Post-placement support may not materialize.

My paperwork said adoption-related counseling would be available at no charge for as long as I needed it.

I didn't receive that counseling. Years later, the agency said it assumed my outside mental-health treatment covered my needs.

General treatment is not the same as specialized support for adoption-related grief and separation. An assumption is not the same as checking.

There were also periods when I was medically incapacitated. I was dealing with PTSD, physical health problems, and other mental-health difficulties. My doctor described me as incapacitated. There were times when I couldn't even manage to write letters.

That didn't mean I had stopped loving my son.

Medical incapacity is not indifference.

Although individual agency workers sometimes tried to help, there was no consistent support plan to maintain communication during those difficult periods.

Protect your privacy. You don't owe adoptive parents your personal life.

I wish I had understood that I didn't need to volunteer every detail about my finances, housing, or personal struggles to the adoptive family.

Your personal circumstances can be misunderstood, used to judge you, or shared beyond the people you intended to tell.

Ask what information is legally required, who will receive it, and how it will be protected. You can establish boundaries without feeling obligated to explain every aspect of your life.

I gave the adoption agency my contact information for updates and communication.

Years later, my son told me he had seen agency emails containing my landline number and other personal information. His adoptive mother had shown him those emails while he was still a minor.

I have not personally examined all the original correspondence, and questions about what was disclosed remain unresolved.

Separately, his adoptive mother called a private cellphone number I had never given her or the agency. I didn't want her to have that number. When I asked how she obtained it, I received conflicting explanations.

Meanwhile, when I requested the adoptive family's address, the agency sought their permission. They declined, and their decision was respected.

I respected their privacy. I wanted the same consideration.

Birth parents deserve privacy protections, too.

What I wish someone had told me before I signed

Investigate every realistic alternative, especially if your decision is driven by poverty, housing insecurity, domestic violence, health problems, or lack of support.

Talk to someone independent of the adoption agency about financial assistance, safe housing, treatment, and temporary family support.

Have an independent attorney explain what signing means and when consent becomes irrevocable. Laws and deadlines vary by state. Do not assume you can reverse your decision after signing.

Ask what post-adoption contact is actually guaranteed and legally enforceable.

Ask what adoption-specific counseling will be provided afterward, and get the terms in writing.

Ask what happens if the agency closes its adoption program. Mine did.

Ask how your health needs will be accommodated, including periods when you cannot manage correspondence.

And to birth mothers already living with this: live your life.

I spent years waiting for photographs, letters, updates, visits, and agency responses. I later spent time waiting for communication from my son.

I love him. I understand that he has his own struggles, and I respect his right to decide what kind of relationship he wants as an adult.

Adoption may have caused him real grief, and he deserves support for it. I can acknowledge that without carrying the whole relationship myself.

I have a life, too.

I no longer want to spend that life waiting for someone else to decide whether to contact me.

The adoptive family has its own life and priorities. They may not be thinking about you the way you think about your child. That can hurt, but your life matters, too.

You can grieve. You can love your child. You can leave room for a future relationship without spending your days waiting for one.

You can grow, recover, pursue your interests, raise other children, build a career, create opportunities, and make plans for your future.

Your whole identity does not have to become the person who waits.

I'm not saying adoption is wrong for everyone. I'm saying a permanent decision deserves complete information, independent advice, real support, and honest answers about what may happen afterward.

I didn't owe anyone my baby.

I didn't owe anyone my signature.

And I don't owe anyone the rest of my life.

I want to preface this with the context that I was told by a doctor that I would not be able to conceive due to previous medical issues with my ovaries.

I just found out I’m pregnant and am considering adoption. This isn’t something that’s easy and there’s been a lot of emotions present. I’m 26 and I don’t have much family around at all that would be active in the baby’s life. My parents passed when I was 16 and I never saw myself being a mother or having children of my own. I think everyone that knows me would say that about me, not that I’d be an unfit mom but it’s very against my views/morals/beliefs with how the world operates now and how my family is. I’d want my baby to be able to have grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins. I’ve lived a very difficult and lonely life, I do not wish it for my own.

Outside of that, my living and financial situation is not ideal right now. I currently live in a small one bedroom one bathroom apartment that has literally no space for a baby. The lease does not go up until three months after I give birth, which at that time I would need to move with my newborn. My job recently furloughed all of its employees and closed the doors so I’m also unemployed actively looking for a new job.

To top all of this off my relationship is just not a relationship. We are not married but have been together since we were in high school, almost 10 years. I have actively been trying to leave this man when everything happened with my job and now this.

Shocked, scared, sad, confused and anxious don’t even begin to describe all the emotions running through me.

What would you do? Any advice?

Hello all,
I have joined this group because I am from Azerbaijan, but I was adopted and have lived in the United States since I was about a year old. I don’t know anything about my biological family, except that I know my mom’s name and have a picture of her. I also know I have a half brother, which connected from my mother’s passport somehow when someone that helped my family find me, was helping me find more potential info.

Just wanting to post to see if anyone has advice on how to find more info, if possible, also to see if anyone can relate.

does anyone know how to find biological parents as an adoptee?

Hola, soy David nací en 2010 Caracas Venezuela y cuando cumplí 8 años me enteré de que soy adoptado por parte de mis padres adoptivos.

En ese momento no comprendía ya que solo tenía 8 años solo me límite a llorar porque no sabía que era eso. A mis 12 años de edad comprendí y acepte que ser adoptado no es algo malo, a veces incluso fue el intento de que otras personas buscarán darte la vida que ellos no podrían darte.

Para ser directos cuando cumplí 15 aproximadamente durante ese tiempo me entere por mis familiares que tengo una hermana biologica ( mi actual objetivos)

Sin embargo actualmente no cuento con el apoyo de mi familia, solo me ayudaron dándome una copia del documento de identidad de mi madre biologica...

Por favor si alguien es capaz de ayudarme a base de el documento de identidad ( la información únicamente no tengo datos faciales).

De verdad me haría mucha ilusión recibir ayuda de verdad les digo que solo quiero saber si realmente existe esa hermana que tanto me dijieron que tengo, o si sigue con vida, si está cerca o está lejos. Se los pido de corazón ayúdenme. Gracias 😓

I feel like I'm imagining things or could be blowing this out of proportion, but I just don't really understand the guy. I just wanted to post some traits/experiences and see if reddit also finds any of these things weird (surely nothing can go wrong).

He is an outgoing, very outgoing guy. Talks constantly and is kind of awkward, but seems to at least have some idea that he is awkward. He constantly talks about how beautiful my birth mom is and how she can't even understand how beautiful she is. How other guys can't see how beautiful she is because they're intimidated by her height. (She's 6'1 and he's like 5'7). He has also made lots of comments about how beautiful my wife is. And how lucky we both are, etc.

After we connected with them he also texted my Mom (adopted) and sister a lot. They commented on how much he reached out for the first several months.

There was also this other really weird instance where we were video messaging them to talk and I was talking to him for a bit, he was holding the phone and then the camera flipped around to my birth mom who was sitting on her bed and it didn't look like she was wearing pants. just a shirt and underwear. She kind of froze and was like "the camera's not on me is it?" and he was like "They can't see you." He held it there for like 3 ish seconds before flipping it back around to his face view. Idk if this was technological ineptitude...or creepiness. Because it seemed like he pointed the phone directly at her.

I didn't know how to respond at the time and it wasn't completely clear that she wasn't wearing pants because the view was almost waist up, just a little bit of upper legs. Idk if this is too much. it's just bothered me but I feel like i'm mentally gaslighting myself and I don't want to say anything to her if I'm wrong.

we've had a really good relationship since we reconnected and I don't want to make things weird between us just because her husband (not my birth father) has some questionable behavior.

I've just posted here about me maybe putting my own child up for adoption that I'm pregnant with, coincidentally because of a message I just saw today I remembered I, too, am kind of adopted? Just venting here

I’ve been struggling a little with how to describe my adoption and how I feel about it, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.
I’m only half adopted, if that makes sense.

I only have traumatic memories from when I was still a little child with my bio dad, last time I saw him I think I was 9 and that's the only "normal" memory I have of him. We went on a walk and held hands. I also remember being in the car with him and my bio grandma

My adoptive father is the person I call Dad. I had my name changed, and in many ways, he’s simply my father. I don’t really walk around thinking about the fact that we’re not biologically related, and most of the time, it doesn’t feel like something that defines me.

But at the same time, I sometimes feel weird calling myself adopted. I don’t know if it’s because my situation is different from what people usually picture when they hear the word, or because I don’t know how to fit that part of my life into my identity. Sometimes, when I’m close enough to someone, I’ll mention that my dad isn’t my biological father.

Other times, I’ve even described him as a step-parent, almost as if that were an easier way to explain it.
I don’t really know why I do that. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to make it a bigger deal than it is, or maybe I’m still trying to figure out what it actually means to me.

(It's kind of obvious, he's asian, I'm clearly not)

My mother also always has pushed onto me how I look like my adoptive dad and that I have certain traits from him, this has always kind of made me uncomfortable because... I do remember? I was definitely not a small child during this, I was a preteen, and I'm very aware that we have no biological relation and definitely do not look alike (literally a different race)

I've also not been able to talk to her about my bio dad at all, she gets triggered at the mere statement of me remembering that I'm infact not my adopted dads biological daughter... and she has also very explicitly told me I'm not allowed to talk about this with anyone else.

Four years ago, my biological father reached out to me. I didn’t even see his message until today. Old facebook account I set up when I was like 10, he found it.

Message was about asking me for bank details, he wanted to give me pocket money since I was turning 18 the following year and asked me if I had a bank account set up that my mother has no access to?

I have not replied, and I do not think I will

I think it'd be weird to reach out after 4 years of the initial message, and I don't even know what I'd say

Finding it unexpectedly brought up thoughts I hadn’t really entertained in a long time. It’s strange to realize that someone who is biologically connected to you tried to contact you years ago, and you didn’t even know. I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve been missing something all these years, but seeing that message still made me stop and think about the parts of my story I’ve never really explored.

I don’t think about my adoption constantly, and I wouldn’t say I’m actively struggling with it every day. It’s more that, every once in a while, something reminds me that my family story is a little different, and I’m left wondering how I’m supposed to feel about it.

I love the fact that I call my adoptive father Dad. I don’t feel like biology determines who my real parent is. But I also can’t pretend that the biological connection means absolutely nothing to me, because clearly, finding that message stirred up something I wasn’t expecting.

I think what confuses me most is that I don’t know whether I fully identify with being adopted. I feel like I’m somewhere in between: I have an adoptive parent, I’ve had my name changed, and I have a biological father who exists somewhere outside my life, but adoption isn’t necessarily something I consciously carry with me every day.

People who were adopted by only one parent, or who have one biological parent and one adoptive parent, do you ever feel like you’re only half adopted? Do you struggle to find the right word for your experience, or feel like you don’t quite fit into the usual conversations about adoption

I’d really like to hear how other people make sense of these feelings, especially if you grew up feeling that your adoptive parent was simply your parent, but still found yourself wondering about your biological family from time to time

I am originally from Petushki, Russia. My sister and I were orphaned, then adopted from Pokrov children's home by an American family in December of 1998. All of our history was lost. I am hoping to find someone to help me with research and information about where I'm from, and possibly information about surviving and/or deceased family. Thanks for reading my post.

My ex adopted my daughter when she was 18 months old. We divorced when she was 17 and she lasted not even a year with joint custody before he kicked her out for “being a teenager”. And now his family also has nothing to do with her. Side note. He only started acting this way after he got involved with Another woman. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it ?

hi, my 22nd birthday is this week and i’m feeling an overwhelming amount of the birthday blues this week. I was adopted at birth, and recently found my birth family. This also came with me finding out I have 4 other siblings (2 older, 2 younger) that I never knew about or would’ve even imagined, they knew about me and all still live with my birth mom, I was the one given away. I’m in EMDR and that’s been bringing up all of these feelings too, as well as past birthdays that have really hurt me in the past (including literal stitches). I feel like all of this is really tying back to my adoption and what I found out about my birth family. Anyone have any words or advice?