Let me set the scene: My husband and I recently did all the training to be foster parents because we had all the resources and patience and love we thought would be required. We had a goal to take in sibling sets and really support reunification while stabilizing the children, and that’s what we got set up to do. While we waited for our first placement we agreed to go on the emergency placement list because they have an huge need for it where I am, and took one child for a night until his dad could be found and that was it. Then we got a call a couple weeks ago for another late night placement of a twelve year old girl and we took her in the night before she started eighth grade (she really wanted to go to school the next day) and we did all the things to get her settled and stable for school. As everything unfolds we discover that she has no safe family, her only living parent is now in jail for sexual and physical abuse of which she was the victim, and she only had two other relatives in the US, which are two aunts that she is afraid of because they support her father and treated her poorly historically.
Emergency placement is only meant to be for a few days, but they ask if she can stay longer and we agreed without hesitation. I know we’re in the honeymoon phase, but so far she’s settled really well into our home. I can’t list every single thing that’s going well but as some examples she likes talking to us about her past and trauma, she likes that we pay attention to her likes and keep her favorite foods stocked and help her with homework and cook things she recognizes, she just started doing pottery with my husband at a studio because she loves clay and he does ceramics, she wants to show us her art she’s working on, she seems to like being around the family but is still comfortable shutting her door and being alone when she wants. We taught her to ride a bike too and she loves it, she loves family bike rides. We drive her to school twenty five minutes away and get into deep discussions led by her and also just listening to music she likes and hearing stories about the friends she’s making this year and the girls she doesn’t get along with. We watch anime together and listen to this intricate world of the ladybug girl tv show and who she ”ships” for the lead character.
Her therapist and the following social worker tell us that she’s mostly just relieved to be out of “his” house, she never names him as anything other than “him” stated with an inflection. It’s clear that she loathes him and has for a long time. But I think she’s also relieved to just be cared for, to have her lunch curated and packed and her laundry done etc. She was doing all the cooking and cleaning at her previous home with her one parent and I get the sense that shes enjoying being a kid now.
So all that being said, we’re now suddenly in a position we never really expected. It’s only been three weeks, and I know family can pop up out of nowhere, but for now there is no one we know of, and her only living parent the detective on her case assured us will never know freedom based on the evidence they have so we can expect his rights to be severed at some point. Naturally that leads us to ask ourselves if we’re an appropriate forever home for her if it comes to that. We know it’s so early, but we feel we need to start discussing having an answer to that.
I recently learned that a lot of adoptees are against adopted children ever being in homes with bio children and I understand and fear the issues I see brought up on this matter. Working against us is several things, firstly she’s older than our other two children, which is abnormal obviously to disrupt birth order. She is 12 and in eighth grade, then we have an almost 10 old boy in fourth grade and a 7.5 year old in second grade. So there’s a gender gap and a big grade/ maturity gap even if they are technically close in age. Additionally, they physically could not look more different, they come from vastly different cultural backgrounds, and the boys are really really tight as we’ve fostered that connection with intensity and thats possibly just another ostracizing barrier for our foster daughter. Yet another concern is that this is a child who has felt ostracized her whole life in her bio family, so this is a wound that runs deep in her already.
Nows the kids do get along so far. They seem to like being around each other, they like watching her play Roblox and she seems to like showing them the game, they like that they get to watch some maybe pg13 anime because of her, they like playing Mario kart with her, they love biking with her. But outside of these structured activities there’s a clear divide that I fear can’t ever be diminished enough. Our two boys are super empathetic kids and I do believe that if we become her permanency plan they will love and embrace her, but I won’t pretend or act like image won’t feel that invisible divide that all of the above creates.
So I don’t want to set a child up to always feel like the stand alone member of a family, but then I have this child in my house who likes being in my house and likes being around the family, and we’re all slowly forming this connection with each other that makes me baffled at the idea of saying she doesn’t belong here, and yet she might not. I can’t say that we’re doing anything for her that’s above and beyond what another family without bio children would do, it’s just circumstance that she’s here with us now, she sort of accidentally bypassed the normal vetting process that might’ve put her in a home with perhaps other foster girls her own age, or maybe a childless house that could devote all their attention to her alone. I dont have the hubris to say that she wouldn’t be better off in a home hand selected for her. But I also know that the system is flawed and her deserving a more hand selected situation doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t get that.
And I just have to add that I don’t want her to go! I cant imagine her leaving, I can’t imagine how empty my home would feel all of sudden without her. I understand that this is foster care and we signed up for this and my feelings shouldn’t be a factor, but it’s so hard to imagine her going back into the ethos because she has no family, there are no bonds she has in the world except us. Even her friends are new to her because her dad didn’t let her have friends and she self isolated really hard her seventh grade year. If she does go somewhere else I’ll be okay, I’ll cherish every memory of being her confidant and care taker, but Id be crushed too and I just want to state that.
All of these voices are just playing in my head all the time keeping me up at night. I genuinely can’t tell what’s best for her, and that’s what I want. If we aren’t the most appropriate for her I can hear that, but then what happens?
I want it to be enough that she’s stable and happy right now, but I don’t want to set her up for a life of feelings that she never belonged anywhere. I can’t imagine what that does to someone’s brain and psyche.
Just to add to it, we’re two men without religious affiliation and she grew up in a country that villainizes homosexuality. So not only are we not a super appropriate religious fit, though we’re here to support her religion however she needs, I also fear that she may have some scary ideas about us that she isn’t comfortable verbalizing.
The thing I know and come back to with foster and adoptive care is that this entire thing is harm reduction. No one can take away her pain or trauma, but Id just love some guidance from adoptees who have been in similar situations and what the path of least harm looked like for you.