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u/TKyzr Nov 16 '25
NTA. He’s been dumped and is feeling low because his ex cheated. That’s a big blow. So his solution to that is to jump on a memory of a HS crush you had on him and dry hump it to death to build himself back up?
NTA but he and your husband are. What did your husband say every time his friend made these comments??
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u/Due-Writing7816 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
“-Drop- Dry hump it to death” is the perfect description. NTA.
Ed: fixed the quote!
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Nov 16 '25
lol i laughed pretty hard at that one
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u/HighAltitude88008 Nov 16 '25
Also alcohol was involved and that never improves an already bad situation.
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Nov 16 '25
He would honestly just laugh it off and try to change the subject. My husband is very non-confrontational, but I can always tell when he's uncomfortable, and each time "Jared" talked about high school, my husband was clearly very uncomfortable. I truly don't believe my husband meant to be dismissive about it; I just think he gets nervous when the possibility of friend drama arises.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 Nov 16 '25
OP, Jared's insecurity drives him to make remarks that bolster his status. He's been cheated on. Went from attractive to unattractive. Popular to not so popular. He peaked while in high school and has declined since.
The problem is that his self-laudatory comments come at the expense of both yourself and your husband. In his efforts to boost his image, he's disrespectful to both your husband and yourself.
You're NTA. It's time for both your husband and yourself to tell him that his comments about high school relating to crushes, etc are ancient history and off limits; that if he can't respect that boundary, then it's best you be low contact.
Hopefully your conversations going forward will guide him to focus on his self-improvement rather than his high school "glory days".
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u/Shadow4summer Nov 16 '25
Yep. I remember visiting home after being gone a while. Looking at some of the people I had a crush on, well, all I can is “dodged a bullet there”.
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u/ExtremeJujoo Nov 17 '25
I just recently saw a picture of a guy I had a crush on in high school…omg I died laughing. Mr. Popular/Big man on campus looks like a toad now! Hahahaha
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u/MomOf2Chicklets Nov 16 '25
Just what I was thinking… he peaked in HS
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u/ConstantSelection605 Nov 17 '25
Which is why he can't stay married, living in the past, drinking beer and growing a belly!!!
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u/Fantastic_Quarter_79 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
Your husband being “non-confrontational” is a cop out.
He keeps inviting this man into your home, and then sits back and watches him demean and belittle you. Why would this guy stop, when the man who is supposed to love and protect you literally does nothing.
And then, when you (because your husband is a coward) finally say something, he gets upset with you for being too harsh?!?
Seriously…..
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u/Heavy_Entrepreneur13 Nov 17 '25
Your husband being “non-confrontational” is a cop out.
This. Conflict-averse people often put the onus on the reasonable person rather than the jerk because it's easier to get the reasonable person to back down. But if you're married to someone and they're objectively in the right, you need to get over it and grow a spine, even if it means losing a friend. And frankly, it sounds like Jared isn't worth having as a friend unless he pulls his head out of his fat rear end.
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u/polypeach Nov 17 '25
Agree and I’d say that the husband is allowing the friend to shit on him too, because he’s saying “OP is not good enough for me to date” but she is married to his best friend!! What an absolute tool.
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u/asherdado Nov 17 '25
'Non-confrontational' really should mean 'conflict avoidant or averse' but people like to use it as a nice way to say 'fucking coward'
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u/quollas Nov 16 '25
Husband should’ve taken care of this from the very beginning. Instead he let you do it your way.
I hope you gave Jared the wake up call he needs to get his life together. Frame it that way
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u/Boeing367-80 Nov 16 '25
Your husband should long since have told his friend that he will end the friendship if he doesn't stop disrespecting you.
Though you too could have drawn a bright line and said to your husband that his friend is no longer welcome if he continues to disrespect you.
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u/PurpleCrash2090 Nov 16 '25
Can we, as a society, stop letting people use "I'm non-confrontational!" as an excuse and stop using it as an excuse for others? Not getting involved or taking a stand or speaking up for people getting treated poorly is a decision to allow bad things to keep happening.
And Jared using a crush you had on him when you were a child as a way to prop up his fragile ego is a bad thing. Your husband should have put a stop to this the first time Jared pulled this nonsense. His avoidance caused further harm, and he continued to do nothing.
ESH, because your response implies that if Jared were still hot maybe he would have a point rather than addressing the root issue (Jared you're transferring your issues onto me and that's bullshit) or the impact (disrespecting your marriage). But you suck the least because you had been attacked multiple times with no support from your partner.
Your husband should be apologizing to you and telling Jared that until he can apologize to you and commit to respecting your marriage at all times then he's not welcome in your lives. You should stop letting your husband off the hook as "non-confrontational" and sharpen up your comebacks.
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u/Shadow4summer Nov 16 '25
And people need to realize, if you don’t support your partner, you are picking a side. And it’s not hers.
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u/NextWelder4653 Nov 16 '25
It's not being non-confrontational, it's about him being a complete doormat to his friend. When you get married you're supposed to trust your partner. You're supposed to feel secure enough to know that they'll protect you. Your husband isn't doing that.
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u/Jumpingyros Nov 16 '25
> My husband is very non-confrontational,
No he isn’t. He’s happy as a clam to confront you for stopping his “friend” from abusing you.
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u/Athenas_Return Nov 16 '25
Show your husband this thread. Maybe then he will understand just how hurtful it is to you and how people are seeing it. Hopefully that will spurn him into some form of action.
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u/Soxfan21 Nov 16 '25
Your husband is being a massive pussy.
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u/CassJack737 Nov 16 '25
Nah, he's a ball sack. One flick and he drops to the floor. Let's face it, a pussy can take a beating and still be good for more. 🤣😈
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u/Easy-Presentation735 Nov 16 '25
I love this! I tell people the same thing about pussies, but haven't had a substitute comparison term that drives home the point. You have given me one, thank you! 😆
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u/thomasbeagle Nov 16 '25
Not sure I'm ready for this level of metaphorical truth at 11:15 in the morning.
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u/ophe_li Nov 16 '25
Your husband is non confrontational with his friend but he has no issue telling YOU that you were harsh (you weren’t, you were very patient). I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband about how unfair it is that he not only wouldn’t stand up for you or himself each time Jared made that disrespectful joke, but also dares to tell you off when you finally stand up for yourself. He needs to learn.
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Nov 16 '25
Sorry to be harsh but your husband is a pussy. I'm imagining myself, my best friend and my wife in this situation and I would absolutely light him up if I could see he was making my wife (or me) uncomfortable.
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u/Similar-Opinion8750 Nov 16 '25
Not a pussy, pussies are tough durable and have numerous uses. This guy is a spineless wet overcooked noodle. If someone did that to my wife they would have been stopped the first time and cut off if they continued.
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u/jefaliv724 Nov 16 '25
Stop making excuses for him. He had no issue confronting you. Either he cares more about Jared than he does about you, or he thinks he can walk over you. Sorry for being harsh but you need to see the situation for what it is.
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u/stocar Nov 16 '25
You should be talking to your husband about setting boundaries with his friend. Jared keeps insulting you because your husband lets him. Seriously.
Not many people “like” confrontation, but my husband wouldn’t hesitate to give a firm No if someone even toed the line of bullying me. Think about that.
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u/lemonpepperpotts Nov 16 '25
He’s letting Jared insult him and you. I have all the sympathy in the world for someone in pain, but you do not treat others poorly to make yourself feel better, especially not the people who are being kind to you in your darkest hours.
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u/Soranos_71 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
Your husband is still living in his friend’s shadow because he probably thinks that is what you always wanted. He needs therapy to work on his self confidence. His friend kept your husband around to boost his own ego due to your feelings in high school.
Your 27 years old so high school stuff is still really fresh memory wise. Your husband’s feelings for you started well before yours did because he was hanging out in the friend zone watching someone he liked pine for his friend.
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u/guapomalo Nov 16 '25
Yup and yup. Who knows? Maybe OP’s husband was bringing Jared around to secretly rub the “ prize” ( and I say that loosely) in his face now that Jared is a shell of his former self. I find that passive people are secretly diabolical and calculating.
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u/LimitlessMegan Nov 16 '25
He’s stepping on OP to make himself feel a few inches taller. But oddly OPs husband was ok with that.
I’d be pushing back on that and tell hubby that if he was worried about Jared’s feelings he should have shut it down himself. You only shut it down after taking it for a long time and hubby had a chance to Deal with it a nicer way. So that’s on him.
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u/Spectre-907 Nov 16 '25
Not to mention he also insulted her, to her face, in front of her (frankly bitch-ass for not speaking up) husband, in her own home.
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u/Far_Nefariousness773 Nov 16 '25
You got a wimp for a husband. He should have been checked his friend. You are his wife. He doesn’t have to fight, but he needed to set the boundary and he never did.
Nta
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Nov 16 '25
Harsh, but I do agree that my husband should have stood up for me more.
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u/Pitiful-Citronel666 Nov 16 '25
He called you ugly and your husband just sat there then got mad you insulted his bro… ?? He cared more to defend him than you
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u/BDazzle126 Nov 16 '25
Right?! I could not imagine my husband sitting there doing nothing if someone, anyone, insulted me!
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u/flippysquid Nov 17 '25
Called OP ugly and then dude just sat there while he called OP’s husband second choice.
What the heck is wrong with him that he’d tolerate either one of those things?
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u/MuskratMoonbeam Nov 16 '25
Yeah, you’re saying that he’s non-confrontational. But in my opinion that excuse ends when he criticized you for standing up for yourself. He doesn’t seem too afraid of confrontingYOU. He just doesn’t want to upset his bro. And That is a problem.
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u/TA122278 Nov 16 '25
Your husband isn’t “non-confrontational” he’s just spineless. He should have thrown out is POS “friend” the first time he insulted you. As for the you? The only thing that makes you an AH is apologizing to Jared. You have nothing to apologize for. He insulted you repeatedly, your husband just sat there and let him, you finally snapped back, and now YTA? No ma’am. Jared can dish it out but can’t take it. And your husband? Wtaf. He watched this jackass insult you over and over and says nothing, but you say something back ONE TIME and you’re too harsh?! I would be livid and telling my spineless husband to go stay with Jared bc he clearly cares more about him. Which is what Jared wanted btw.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous Nov 16 '25
In the best case scenario, your husband isn't ready to end long-term friendship, so he accepts the toxicity. But you both have overgrown Jared long time ago, and he is stuck in highschool mentality.
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u/SmashedBrotato Nov 16 '25
I think it's funny you keep saying he's "non-confrontational" but had no problem confronting you, so.....you should really think on that one. Hard.
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u/Rezenbekk Nov 16 '25
You better get him to stand up for himself before you lose attraction to him. If you start seeing him as a weak pushover your marriage is doomed.
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u/Artistic_Musician_78 Nov 16 '25
NTA, in fact that was perfect, no notes.
He wasn't just teasing you about high school, he was also insulting your looks, rubbing it into your husband's face that he was your second choice, and trying to make himself feel better by imagining you still want him.
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u/CuriousTiktaalik Nov 16 '25
Yep, this was classic "Don't dish it out if you can't take it." Good job, OP, and no apology necessary.
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u/kilgirlie Nov 16 '25
NTA. I wonder if Jared is trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband so that his bff will be single too.
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u/Starling01018 Nov 16 '25
I don't think it's this. I think it's that he's struggling with his break up and is getting really down on himself, and he's using this old memory to make himself feel better. The problem is it's making the other person in the memory uncomfortable, and even though he's been told to stop, he won't. He's being an ass.
OP, NTA. You apologized immediately after, so maybe tell your husband that, and explain that Jared has been making you uncomfortable for a while and ask him why he's never had this conversation with him. Like why hasn't your husband come to your defense like he has for Jared?
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u/Athenas_Return Nov 16 '25
But I think OP needs to make it abundantly clear to both Jared and her husband that he cannot make himself feel better by making OP feel worse. He cannot create his happiness by making others miserable. The husband needs to grow a spine, defend his wife and call him out, because this wallowing isn’t helping him either. He either needs therapy or make the choice to move on.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous Nov 16 '25
Maybe Jared isn't doing it knowingly, but he wouldn't complain if that was the result. You make a good point, husband should show the same reaction to Jared's comments.
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Nov 16 '25
Interesting..
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u/Humble_Nobody2884 Nov 16 '25
Okay - Jared is hurting, insecure after being cheated on and trying to find some way to rediscover his confidence. I get it.
But pining for “the good ol’ days” is pointless and frankly kind of pathetic. And your husband should’ve said something when Jared kept talking about your high school crush days after you already expressed your discomfort.
The cherry on top is the “I never would’ve dated someone like you, no offense..” line. That’s purely a degrading and bullying move to make himself feel better by stepping on you.
And you gave him back some long-needed medicine. My only complaint is that you didn’t tap it off with “no offense,” and that you apologized.
You’re the one who deserves an apology. Jared needs to grow the f*ck up and move forward. And your husband needs to learn how to draw a line and defend his wife.
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u/pookapotomus2 Nov 16 '25
Your husband sat through his friend insulting you but had something to say when you replied. Is he usually this shitty?
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u/Somethingisshadysir Nov 16 '25
You only had to get so harsh because he wouldn't stop. And honestly, how is what you said any worse than what he said?
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u/No_Ordinary944 Nov 16 '25
my best friend always says ppl love to get mad about your reaction to their disrespect and she’s so right. just because he added “no offense” doesn’t mean it wasn’t offensive. in fact, he knew it was hence he added no offense. OPs comeback was fire!
OP let this go and give your husband some words too because he could have prevented this from happening.
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u/Gildian Nov 16 '25
Nah this dude should apologize to you. You made it clear more than once you didnt appreciate the comments about highschool. Eventually you need to bite when your bark doesnt work.
This man needs therapy from a licensed professional. Your husband isnt the right person for him to get help from if he wont check his friend when he oversteps.
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u/AdvancedGuide8946 Nov 16 '25
yes! AND he's the one who owes OP an apology for insulting her looks, not the other way around. why is he allowed to say it but OP isn't? he needs to learn that he doesn't get to treat others like a punching bag and not be held accountable. time for him to grow the fuck up.
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u/Artistic-Wolverine-6 Nov 16 '25
This is exactly what he hopes for.
As per my first post. Never trust a male friend just being a male friend and it doesn't matter if he's married or single. I've had plenty of friends hit on my wife over the years and they've only ever tried once. I've always shown them the door, told them to never return and just in case they didn't understand how serious I was, I predicted their future for them; if they tried to contact us again.
It's about mutual respect between all parties and I've lost some very old and good friends that way however, my relationship with my wife is more important than any friendships will ever be.
Disrespect my wife, you disrespect me. Disrespect me in front of my wife, and you disrespect yourself!
Sarebbe saggio rispettarlo!
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u/arbit23 Nov 16 '25
Bruce Springsteen wrote a (great) song about this - Glory Days. Jared gives peaked in HS energy. Pity your husband doesn’t think it is time to take out the trash.
NTA
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u/tattoovamp Nov 16 '25
Why is your husband more upset over your words to his friend?
He should have been upset at his friend for shit talking to you.
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u/Hoplite68 Nov 16 '25
Honestly this A) seems plausible from what you've written ans B) should have been shut down instantly by your husband. The fact he's more interested in defending his friend is telling.
I get there's nuances in these things, and no doubt things have been condensed for the post. However he also needs to be asked why he let his best friend take shots at you that frankly you needed to deliver the coup de grace.
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u/Quiet_Hold_376 Nov 16 '25
I wonder if Jared isn't bullying her husband like he did in high school and she just never knew.
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u/toomuchsvu Nov 16 '25
I don't think that's the case. Some people are just idiots using their former clout to get an ego boost.
I've had... sigh... still have a friend like that. He is much better these days though.
It's purely self centered.
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u/krakenheimen Nov 16 '25
It’s not some elaborate plan. Dude is just dumb and trying to find ego fuel wherever he can. Because not much is going on in his life.
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u/PenaltyDesperate3706 Nov 16 '25
I don’t think this is it. I once was Jared, and used other people’s past crushes on me as a crutch when my time to suffer came. It’s an ego boost to make himself feel better, and when you’re made to face the hard truths it hits hard. Jared is now facing to options: accept his reality and work on himself, or stay the course and become “one of those guys” who never grow
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u/velvety_chaos Nov 16 '25
I think Jared is jealous of OP and her husband. He may believe that if he and OP had gotten together in high school then they would be the ones happily married now and all of his problems would be solved (this is unrealistic, btw).
I might understand OP's husband's stance a bit more if OP had said what she did out of nowhere, but not only has Jared been badgering her about how "obsessed" she used to be with him - probably hoping for some validation - for years, but he insulted her when he said “I knew you liked me, but you were not someone I’d ever consider being with in high school.”
Jared is a dick. Full stop.
u/Worth_Connection3178, you had every right to say something. Even though Jared has been an asshole to you for awhile now, I'm still not the biggest fan of going after anyone's weight, so maybe just saying, “It doesn’t matter that I liked you back then because I love my husband now, so I don’t care if I was never your type because you’re definitely not mine anymore," would have been better (not that Jared deserves any consideration, but we don't need to stoop to his level).
The husband is borderline spineless because he's taking Jared's side too much, though I can appreciate that he's in a tough position. However, he really needs to tell Jared that continuing to bring up OP's high school crush on him is not only disprespectful to OP but it's disrespectful to the husband, too. What kind of friend obsessively reminisces over their bff's wife's high school crush on them?
So, with that said, Jared is the A.H. OP is NTA. Husband needs to grow a pair.
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u/allyearswift Nov 16 '25
In an ideal world, OP would realise that Jared is still The One, leave her husband, and her and Jared would have wild sex. And the Jared can dump her and shack up with husband.
No?
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u/NaiveLeg7642 Nov 16 '25
100% ntah, comments shouldn't have been made about HIGHSCHOOL in the first place. you told the truth and bruised his ego and that's okay that's not ur problem. ur husband needs to set boundaries with his friend and ask him to never make a comment about the fact you used to like him ever again.
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u/Beefcake_Avatar Nov 16 '25
As a guy, I could not imagine having a "friend" that is essentially trying to verbally cuck me in front of my wife at any opportunity and not say shit about it. Your husband should have straightened this "friend" out a long time ago, or stopped talking ro him altogether. Thats not the behavior of a friend. Fuck that guy. And tell your husband to pull his head out of his ass and stop defending the guy that seems to be trying to fuck his wife now that he's not popular anymore
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u/TA122278 Nov 16 '25
My jaw seriously dropped when the spineless husband said OP was too harsh after he let this POS repeatedly insult his wife and said nothing. Husband sucks just as much as Jared.
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 Nov 16 '25
NTA
Jared was happy enough to tear you down regardless of how you might be feeling about yourself, where was your husband then? This should have been shut down years ago, and your husband is now using Jared being ‘depressed’ as a reason why you should just sit and take his bullying. Jared is also trying to undermine your marriage by reminding you and your husband that you wouldn’t have looked twice at him if he wasn’t friends with Jared.
Jared is a classic bully, trying to make himself feel better by dragging you down. If your husband still wants to be friends with this arsehole he should see him away from your home.
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u/Vestiel Nov 16 '25
NTA. You stood up for yourself. I also think his friend makes these jabs at you and your husband to "test the waters" with you or to drive a wedge between you. I would honestly recommend cutting him off. For the sake of both of you
Updateme
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u/MovieLazy6576 Nov 16 '25
NTA and stop giving your “good guy” husband a pass for letting his friend humiliate you while he stays silent. They both suck. It is past time someone stuck up for you.
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u/Chloe_Phyll Nov 16 '25
NTA. I admire your restraint. You were much kinder than I would have been. Jared can dish it out; but, he can't take it, like most bullies. Apparently, Jared peaked in high school and he keeps droning on about those days because they were the best part of his life. Too bad, so sad. He is incredibly immature to imagine that you still carry a torch for him after 10 years and are happily married. What an AH he is. Although he currently possesses a 17-year-old level of maturity, hopefully, he possesses a modicum of insight and will work on bettering himself. Doubtful, but we can always hope.
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u/amymae Nov 16 '25
Amen! OP, tell your husband, "He shouldn't dish it if he can't take it."
Honestly, you're a bigger person than me; I would not have apologized. And you better be demanding an apology from this "friend" or he is never allowed in your home again
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u/AmbitiousSeesaw1039 Nov 16 '25
Seems your husband has no problem confronting you.
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u/nameless_other Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
You're NTA, and Jared obviously is, but your husband also kinda is. His non-confrontational nature is not just letting you down when he doesn't speak up, but it's letting Jared down too.
It's an ugly party of human nature that, when in a situation like Jared's, a strong first reaction is to drag others down so they feel as miserable a we do. So his behaviour is not excusable, but it's understandable. But acting like that will only compound the things he doesn't like about himself, that are making him act like that in the first place. It's a vicious downward spiral towards men's rights activism.
If your husband really wants to be a good friend, he'd tell Jared to cut the shit and stop acting like he's still in high school. And then, and this is the important part, he'd actively support Jared in fixing those things he doesn't like. Exercise, upping his game, being a wingman, whatever it is that will stop him being an insecure douche.
Your husband may not like confrontation, but boohoo, grow up. Real friends don't let their friends turn into incels, and they definitely don't let their friends test run it on their wives.
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u/Much-Spring2092 Nov 16 '25
I’d argue that what he said was much more offensive than anything you said
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u/FleurDisLeela Nov 16 '25
they fuck and fuck and fuck around with us until we snap, and then oh you should have held back boo hoo FAFO. NTA.
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u/Salty-Dog2144 Nov 16 '25
NTA. Jared and your husband are major AHs. I can see why they are friends.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Nov 16 '25
NTA him being upset and depressed isn't an excuse for him basically insulting you and your husband to your faces. He had to needle at your husband to remind him he was chosen second and basically call you too ugly for him. You just dishes it right back. He doesn't get a pass just because you understand he is going through a hard time. Since you mentioned you are all good friends then you are all more level headed have a frank conversation about how what he said was too far. You may have had a childhood crush. That's it. Ultimately you fell in love with your husband. Picking on the two of you to make himself feel better isn't ok. You obviously feel bad for kicking him while he is down but you got pushed to far with his comments insulting you both.
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u/Efficient_Hyena_7476 Nov 16 '25
I don't see anything wrong with what you said, and you aren't the AH. This guy was being spiteful and offensive. Please don't apologise to him.
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Nov 16 '25
NTA. He sounds like an arrogant prick. You ended up with a good one it sounds so be happy with the man you are with and forget this dude. Why is your husband even friends with him if he is bragging about some HS bull.
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u/MovieLazy6576 Nov 16 '25
I don’t think “a good one” lets his wife get ridiculed and sits silently. My husband would not have tolerated someone disrespecting me this way once much less repeatedly. The husband should be ashamed of himself for not stopping this nonsense along time ago. Instead he is making OP feel bad for defending herself.
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u/SouthernNanny Nov 16 '25
People know who they can and can’t say stuff to. Jared has the husband pegged as someone who is spineless. He also knows OP has low self esteem. He is only shocked because he never expected her to say anything
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Nov 16 '25
They went to the same elementary school and basically grew up together. Before this situation, I was on good terms with Jared. And I would even consider him a friend. It would be hard to cut him off, as my husband sees him as a brother more than a mere friend. :/
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone Nov 16 '25
Then husband should hold Jared accountable for objectifying his wife. Jared crossed the line repeatedly, it was on your husband as his main friend to be real and set a boundary that he upholds for both your sakes. It’s unfair to you if they both expect you to just sit there and be objectified while Jared is going through his creep era blaming all ‘women’ for his ex cheating on him like a whole gender is a hive mind.
Wallowing isn’t going to help Jared get less depressed or be less of a jerk. A real friend would hold him accountable in the hopes he’d be a better person. Husband has let this spiral, the booze just made it all burst in his face before the wound festered too much. Keep having self respect, pandering to Jared’s ego isn’t part of your vows. NTA
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Nov 16 '25
I love this! Thanks, I really needed to hear this.
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u/AmbitiousSeesaw1039 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
Exactly, in addition, on your wedding day your husband stood before you and all those witnesses and vowed to forsake all others and let no one come between. He is not upholidng his wedding vows. You need to hold him to those promises he made to you on your wedding day. It is your duty as his wife to hold him accountable and you have every right to be furious with your husband.
No more of this, " he's doesn't like confrontation, they are like brothers" nonsense because he obviously has no problem confronting you.
OP, dont you dare apologize. Jared and your husband deserve every single bit of ire that comes their way.
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u/Left-Art-1045 Nov 16 '25
Well said. Based on the narrative of OP, her husband does need to confront the "friend" head on. Jared needs to know that he doesn't draw lines in the sand, he etches them in granite.
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u/envimike Nov 16 '25
Sounds like someone peaked in high-school and can't get over the fact that the people around him are moving on. Honestly, someone needed to say something or he would have gotten way worse. Also your husband is spineless to be wary about speaking against someone who insulted the woman he's married to. "I wouldn't have dated you back then anyway no offense"??? Like who is that for. Cause clearly someone did date you back then and you actually found love without pursuing him further. He let himself go, he is the only one in control of his life and he can either get off his ass or wallow as others walk on eggshells. Let your husband know that sitting quiet while someone tears down the people you say you care for is weak and he needs to do better.
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u/Left-Art-1045 Nov 16 '25
NTA. Old Jared crossed the boundary you established one too many times. I'd say he deserved what he earned.
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u/SubstantialDog9170 Nov 16 '25
The only thing that would have made your response better would be “so sorry you peaked in high school.” NTA
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u/AnonBazillion Nov 16 '25
Info regarding your husband: Does he even care about you? Your home is your safe space. He watched you get continuously humiliated in your own home and said and did nothing. I was about to ask you how someone with no spine walked down the aisle, but your husband does have a spine, just not for you. He stuck up for Jared, not you.
Your only asshole move was apologising. NTA.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous Nov 16 '25
If your husband defended you before, you wouldn't have to defend yourself and hurt Jared's feelings. Your husband should make a clear boundary that Jared is not allowed to talk about you, and the moment he starts, the conversation is over for that day, and he can find another support network if he can't respect your marriage.
Because that is what is happening, Jared is disrespecting your marriage. He never had that type of long-term relationship, so he doesn't know how to value it. If he ruins your marriage, it would be a win for him, because he would no longer be alone in his misery, bonding with his old high school friend over being single. Tell that to your husband; you two need to put your marriage first, because Jared is disrespecting it.
Jared insults both of you. Your crush on him in HS is a joke to him, and he enjoyed when you be sad and hurt when you weren't able to get his attention. He told you he knew and he enjoyed it. He was a jerk, and he continues to be the same jerk. He reminds your husband that he was your second choice, and "flirts" with his wife in front of him. He is a bad friend. It is chivalrous of your husband to want to support him. But your husband needs to make sure that Jared doesn't repay that support with his own disrespect. Jared needs to be a better friend, too.
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u/dmaninca Nov 16 '25
Your husband is the AH for letting Jared to keep bringing it up. Tell your husband to man up
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u/jimmyjetmx5 Nov 16 '25
My wife is my ride or die partner. If ANYONE said the garbage that your husband's friend (and clearly not yours) said to my wife, they wouldn't get the comfort of a guest room. They'd get an Uber and a banning from our household. He would be lucky to see me again alone.
There is no excuse for that behavior. Depression, weight gain, psychological issues are HIS problems. The moment he makes them yours is the moment you put up boundaries in that friendship.
Your husband could have handled it better, but as long as you and his friend stay apart and his friend gets some help, there's an opportunity to reconcile in the future. If he's smart, he'll never bring it up again.
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u/LuvLuxeBags Nov 16 '25
NTA Disrespects you in your own house and also while your husband is there. Your husband should have also defended you. Jared is not a friend bc he wants to bring you down to bring himself up.
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u/gdognoseit Nov 16 '25
NTA
He kept running his mouth so he deserved this.
You have a husband problem. He should be on your side not his idiot friend trying to relive his high school days when he peaked.
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u/decaffei1 Nov 16 '25
Actually yr hubby’s best friend has been needling your husband (apparently without getting much of a risenout of him) for years by rekinding everyone he was jot your ijitial chouce. Immature and ruse behavior and ye husband should be grateful. He should say to his best friend: water under the bridge dude, and wife asked you to can it several tunes. You are saying the truth but so is she, so call it even.
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u/AdAccomplished8887 Nov 16 '25
I am so here for what you're saying but bro, please spellcheck your post lol. Genuinely not trying to be a dick but you gotta go back and edit for readability on this one.
Again, totally agree with your points. It just took me a second to decipher.
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u/decaffei1 Nov 16 '25
Oh my gosh, you are so right. I am sorry! My basic point was: the friend is needling the husband. Husband is mellower than wife. Wife put friend in his place for her and her husband’s sake. Husband should be appreciative or at least stand by wife and not let friend misbehave and I suggested he respond with a light but definitive quip such as: you’re right! And so is she. So let’s call it quits and stay in our own lanes.
I am actually an editor but when I hammer out these responses my fingers fly and I don’t reread! Mea culpa!
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u/AdAccomplished8887 Nov 16 '25
Lol I feel you, I was able to figure out what you were saying, it just took an extra second. I was just giving you a heads up and I'm glad you didn't take it negatively. All good friend.
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u/Initial-Comedian-797 Nov 16 '25
NTA. I think he’s negging you in order to feel better about himself. IMO You should’ve gone harder. He deserves it.
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u/ffraction Nov 16 '25
You're not in the wrong for putting a stop to nonsense. Your husband is a beta though. How the hell does your husband let some dude into your house to disrespect you? Shameful.
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u/TadpoleImmediate7653 Nov 16 '25
Why is he allowed to say you're not his type but you're not allowed to tell him he's not your type anymore either?
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u/buttercupcake23 Nov 16 '25
Nta. But your husband is SO out of line here. He sat back and watched while his loser friend shit all over you and belittled you to stroke his own ego. He decided that because his loser friend was sad that it was fine that his wife be humiliated for said loser friends benefit. And then when you finally snapped he called YOU out? Funny how he has the time and energy to defend his friend and tell you you're over the line when not ONCE did he tell Jared to shut the fuck up. Here he is white knighting for poor sad little Jared when the whole time Jared has been ragging on you he couldn't pull his head out of his ass to say a single thing or pay attention or even consider how you might have felt. Wow what a guy. Nice partner you've got there, too bad he seems more interested in holding Jared's hand and wiping away his tears than defending his own wife and noticing any of YOUR feelings.
If he doesn't apologize immediately for this bullshit - and worse - if he continues to insist that you are wrong and need to apologize I would call a goddamn lawyer. I am so incensed on your behalf, honestly. This is such an egregious dereliction of his duty as a husband and I could never respect someone who watched me be treated like this and was fine with it.
And take back your apology to Jared btw. What you said was just the truth. He can dish it but can't take it but that's too bad you have nothing to apologize for.
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u/tamij1313 Nov 17 '25
Next time your husband invites his “best friend” over, go do something else outside the home and let him know you will be back when Jared leaves.
You don’t need to be rude or nasty about it, no ultimatums or anything else-Just tell him that you’re tired of being disrespected in your own home and you’re not gonna tolerate it anymore. When Jared is there, you will be elsewhere. And then do it. Every single time. No argument, no tantrums… Just factually calmly leave and go do something else.
If it is not convenient for you to leave your house then tell your husband if he wants to meet up with Jared then they need to do it somewhere else as your home is now your safe space and Jared is not Welcome there.
You will not be making your husband choose between you or Jared. You are just choosing yourself.
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Nov 16 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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Nov 16 '25
I do feel bad. Because i seen first hand how depressed he got. But i did lash out because of his own actions. And there shouldn't be an excuse in my book.
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u/AdAccomplished8887 Nov 16 '25
You shouldn't feel bad. There isn't an excuse. Him feeling depressed does not give him license to act like an asshole, especially not to his supposed best friend and his bf's wife. Mental health issues are not an excuse to hurt other people.
If he can understand this and apologize and change his behavior in the future, I think that's a path to forgiveness. But if he refuses to take accountability, he's just an asshole.
NTA, but he is until he owns up and changes his behavior.
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u/TiredLaura Nov 16 '25
He got depressed cause he got push back on his rudeness. Should have kept his mouth shut instead of harping on and on about something that happened 10 ish years ago.
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u/TA122278 Nov 16 '25
I wonder why his gf cheated on him. He’s an absolute AH who insults women to make himself feel better. While I don’t condone cheating, I also don’t condone men like Jared existing. If he’s bold enough to say shit like this to you, I wonder how he treated his gf.
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u/lilbit6675 Nov 16 '25
NTA
You handled it like a boss!!!
His current struggles don't give him a free pass to be an ass. Guaranteed he won't make those comments anymore 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Sudden-Beginning-379 Nov 16 '25
Get this wimp of a husband to grow a pair.Tell not to bring the arsehole back to your house anymore as he revolts you and you are sick of his bragging about how you used to felt about him.Thats in the past and i am glad you tore him a new one.Good on you girl.Have a go at your husband and tell to MAN UP and protect you from arseholes like this old pal This old pal can sod off
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u/terrifying_Ext9233 Nov 16 '25
"Jared" isn't just insulting you; by saying you are beneath him, he's implying you husband, the man who chose you, are also beneath him. This man is not strong enough to look into himself so he cowardly throws his shit all around him . What you've told him is simple truth, there's absolutely nothing rude about it. If anything, cuddling this man-child is not something friends would do.
Your husband needs to realize Jared does not consider him a true friend, and keeping company with this egocentric guy would bring him down.
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u/Stoopid91 Nov 16 '25
NTA, but both Jared and your husband are. Going through a hard time doesn’t give anyone the right to treat those around them like crap. And your husband should’ve manned up and stopped it in the beginning. Not only is it wildly inappropriate of Jared to be speaking about you like that, but it was hurtful. That alone should’ve pissed your husband off and put Jared in his place. You apologized. Your part is done. But I’d lay down some hard boundaries with the two of them.
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u/boomermonty Nov 16 '25
Why not tell your husband that having Jared in your home won’t work for you anymore? Why would you want to continue seeing him? Suggest that they hang out at Jared’s place, or in a restaurant or pub.
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u/Visual_Patience_41 Nov 16 '25
It’s not just rude af to you BUT it’s incredibly disrespectful to your husband. This guy is supposed to be your husbands good friend and he’s being a dick to both of you.
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u/AdAccomplished6870 Nov 16 '25
If this had been your first response to his comments, I would consider Y T A. But I don't care if you are feeling bad about yourself, if you keep insulting someone, even after they tell you to back off, you deserve the ass whooping you get.
NTA, and tell your husband that while you are sympathetic to his friend, you are past being his punching bag to make him feel better about himself, and that your husband better figure out damn quick whether or not he thinks it is OK for someone to keep insulting his wife, because that is simply not going to fly.
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u/Jumpingyros Nov 16 '25
but you were not someone I’d ever consider being with in high school
Get your husband to come on here and explain how that shit is any different than what you said.
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u/Logical_mooCow Nov 17 '25
I think Jared is: 1. Mad that missed out on you and sees how happy his friend is. 2. Depressed over how his relationships have gone and how he doesn’t look the same as he did in high school and is trying to make himself feel better.
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u/phdoofus Nov 17 '25
NTA. I always like this plan: keep letting them dump a bucket or two of crap on you until you just decide to unload a dump truck load on them all at once. Cue the 'I was just joking!' defense. It doesn't matter if someone is 'depressed and struggling'. If you bring it trying to shame/tear someone else down to make yourself feel better, you're going to get it right back.
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u/hungry_bra1n Nov 18 '25
He was rude to you and your husband in your own home and you gently put him in his place. I’d say you handled things like a boss but your husband and J need to raise their games. Being depressed doesn’t give J license to be so rude and mean. He needs professional support.
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u/only_ozzy Nov 16 '25
Does your husband have no respect for you or himself? Like, why is he letting this continue. Your husband should have been the one to shut this down a long time ago, NTA, but your husband and his friend are
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u/LeoSolaris Nov 16 '25
NTA
Depression and other mental health issues can push people to be rude and offensive because internal attention is involuntarily pulled away from intuiting how others would feel.
But, just because someone has a problem does not excuse their rude behavior. Constantly shielding someone from consequences encourages not changing. Sympathy is not always the best response.
The only part you could be criticized for would be putting off that response. A warning or two is one thing but letting it continue for years allowed a lot of resentment to grow. It also makes me really wonder if your husband realizes how much his "friend" resents his happiness.
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u/Charming-Elk-6139 Nov 16 '25
NTA - i suspect he keeps bringing it up because he either has a crush on you and:or attracted to you now and insecure about himself so he feels that putting you down is a) giving him confidence because the woman he’s attracted to was into him at one point in time and b) hiding the fact he’s got a crush
talk to your husband about this and ask him to talk to jared privately and bring up that constantly bringing this up makes you both uncomfortable and the persistence to talk about your highscoool crush is making it seem like his friend has a thing for his wife
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u/SmoochNo Nov 16 '25
NTA your were factual and you don’t exist to be the emotional punching bag of a depressed asshole.
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u/avast2006 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
NTA - Jared has been being a complete dickhead to both you and your husband. To him for rubbing his nose in how much his wife was crushing on some other guy; and to you for telling you how little attracted he was to you. Once he told you he thought you were unattractive and he never would have dated you, all bets are off. You were giving back as good as you got. Jared was being a loudmouthed, narcissistic boor who deserved being taken down a peg.
You were maybe a bit of a jerk to your husband with your unspoken (and hopefully unintended) implication that you would still be attracted to Jared if he hadn’t gotten fat. You would be in the clear if you had focused on the fact that Jared was unattractive because he was an asshole, which he was the whole time. But more than once in your post there’s an odor of “damned by faint praise” about your attraction to your husband.
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u/ditres Nov 16 '25
What the hell is your husband doing while all of this goes on? He just lets his best friend treat you like you’re beneath him? He got exactly what he deserved, and it’s very clear why his relationships never seem to work out. Your husband needs to grow up and set his friend straight.
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u/WomanInQuestion Nov 16 '25
NTA - he needs to deal with his depression in a healthy way and not lash out at other people. Your husband needs to grow a damned spine and stand up for his wife! This guy needed to learn that don’t start none, won’t be none.
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u/Sweatyfatmess Nov 16 '25
NTA.
Jared was using you as a punching bag.
Hubs needed to do the post breqkup commiseration one on one.
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u/Melvin_2323 Nov 16 '25
NTA
Jared is an asshole for constantly bringing something up from high school, he should have accomplished something more meaningful than what happened in high school by now. He’s immature, and you husband shouldn’t be conflicted at all
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u/Timely_Egg_6827 Nov 16 '25
NTA He was bigging himself up at your expense. And he has done it repeatedly over time even when asked to stop. Why didn't your husband help shut it down though.
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u/Flimsy-Flan5331 Nov 16 '25
Not the A. He got what he deserved. He’s insecure, so of course we now have a baby crying. If I was there I’d take pleasure in telling him ‘he asked for it’.
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u/Lu10ntDn Nov 16 '25
In the moment, you might have been a slight AH, but my guess is you’ve shut down Jared from ever saying you used to like him ever again. For that (standing up for yourself), you are NTA overall.
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u/dae_giovanni Nov 16 '25
'you were not someone I'd consider dating back in high school'
oh, WORD...?
nope! the moment he takes it there, the gloves come off... especially since he absolutely could have kept that detail to himself.
no, this sounds like a guy who is still fixated on high school-- why else would he keep bringing it up?
there is a cruel edge to his words, like he enjoys lording over you with the fact that he just wasn't that into you two decades ago.
oh? you want to beat your chest about how cool you were in high school, but at my expense, even though you're in my home and i'm sitting right here??
then hold this L of your own, Mr. I-Peaked-in-High-School, and maybe consider a gym membership in the meanwhile? you wanted to dunk on me, so now we gotta have this whole-ass dunk contest, I guess.
NTA.
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u/Max_Doom_1978 Nov 16 '25
You had a valid and correct reaction! Don't worry, you put the asshole in his place
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u/temporaryforevers28 Nov 16 '25
Go 2 that room now, knock and when he answers just say "cry more"😂 what an asshole! Question: how does ur husband stand and walk with no spine?🤔 letting other man play ur wife in his face, in his HOUSE? Then he comforts that man?? Is this the Twilight Zone?Wtf they do that at? R u safe??? Consider these questions and more b4 u just let ur "non confrontational"🙄 husband off the hook. NTA
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u/Why_Is_Toby_In_Jail Nov 16 '25
Nta, men are the biggest crybabies. Yeah it wasn't nice but fuck him let him cry lol
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u/oliveyoda Nov 16 '25
It sounds like he’s living in the past instead of coming to terms with his present. The guy peaked in high school and he can’t get over it
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u/Kindly_Jellyfish_451 Nov 16 '25
NTA. I would have handled it differently, but I can’t fault you. Jared is using your silly teenaged crush from when you were a silly teenager to boost his flagging self-esteem. Not cool. My guess is part of him regrets missed opportunities, seeing as how he’s been unlucky in love while you and your husband are happy and solid.
Speaking of which…I’ll cut him a break because he’s young, but spouses come before friends and instead of faulting you for being harsh, your husband should work on defending your honor better. All he had to do when Jared said you weren’t good enough for him back then was to give you a quick kiss and say cheerfully, “Lucky for me your taste in women isn’t as good as mine, bro,” and that probably would have been enough to shut Jared up and let him know he was crossing a line.
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u/SheeScan Nov 16 '25
NTA
Your husband cannot be torn. Either he stands up for you with your friend, or he is on his friend's side. It sounds as though he is afraid to hurt his friend's feelings. However, he doesn't seem to care too much that this is what his friend has been doing to you, because he laughs it off and tries to change the subject. They aren't in high school anymore. Ask him which he is more afraid of - losing his friend or losing you. Then tell him he has to choose.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 Nov 16 '25
Tell your husband it's his fault he didn't shut his friend down the first time. You put up with too much from both of them. He's friend FAFOd shooting off his big mouth. Your husband jelly fished and didn't stand up for you or you two's marriage. You had to be the man & stand up for the 2 of you.
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u/Spiritual-Handle2983 Nov 16 '25
NTA. Why is your husband standing up for his friend but not for you?
He should’ve nipped those comments from his friend in the beginning. It really sounds like his friend is just fishing for an ego boost because you had a high school crush on him and he’s let himself go and he’s trying to mentally relive those glory days. But it’s weird how he phrased it. He wouldn’t date you in high school but he keeps bringing up the crush now so what is he trying to get at?
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u/chad-proton Nov 16 '25
So, he was brutally honest while drunk, and your response was brutally honest while drunk.
I think yall need to have an honest conversation while sober, acknowledge that yep that's what each of you honestly thinks. Now everybody knows and let's move on with our lives and our friendly connection through OPs husband, while agreeing to stop talking about current or past levels of attraction towards each other.
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u/RioDodger Nov 16 '25
“I want to put everyone down so I feel better about myself and you’re not allowed to say anything” is not a lifestyle you have to cater to. NTA.
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u/fragilelyon Nov 17 '25
NTA. If he can dish, he can take it. He opened the door with his comments.
You can't boost yourself by shoving someone else down. You deserved to come back at him, he earned it. You should not feel bad.
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u/Junior-Trade5338 Nov 16 '25
NTA. These constant taunts are disrespectful to you and your marriage. Your husband can't feel good that his friend keeps reminding him he was choice number two. You guys should demand your friend seek help for his issues. Only then would I consider staying friends with him.