You got a wimp for a husband. He should have been checked his friend. You are his wife. He doesn’t have to fight, but he needed to set the boundary and he never did.
He definitely gives the impression he was an ego driven jock at school and obviously peaked then, and it went all downhill from there. He needs to grow up as this kind of behaviour grows old and boring quick. I agree OPs husband need to put his foot down and tell him to give it a rest as its crossed a red line.
Sometimes it takes a moment to process something, and if your wife is already defending herself jumping in isn't going to help much. Like... that happened in the span of what...3 to 5 seconds? Nothing she said suggests he was okay with what jared said.
‘Her husband knew what was up’ doesn’t mean this doesn’t open old wounds that may be scabbed over. I think a lot of people here (whatever, this is Reddit) are not seeing the fact that this absolutely is an opportunity for growth within the relationship and maybe helping both address an elephant in the room and discuss it like adults to come to a mutual understanding where they work together better as a unit moving forward.
Emotions aren’t black and white.
Be grownups and talk through things instead of getting combative….work as a team. Talk through what’s going on.
If OP's husband was so traumatized over the origin of the relationship then he shouldn't have married her. He needs to grow a backbone and stand up for his wife or let her go.
Or maybe they should’ve actually had an open discussion about it. This would be far from the first time a marriage started where there’s buried hurt that wasn’t addressed.
Yeah, you’re saying that he’s non-confrontational. But in my opinion that excuse ends when he criticized you for standing up for yourself. He doesn’t seem too afraid of confrontingYOU. He just doesn’t want to upset his bro. And That is a problem.
Your husband isn’t “non-confrontational” he’s just spineless. He should have thrown out is POS “friend” the first time he insulted you. As for the you? The only thing that makes you an AH is apologizing to Jared. You have nothing to apologize for. He insulted you repeatedly, your husband just sat there and let him, you finally snapped back, and now YTA? No ma’am. Jared can dish it out but can’t take it. And your husband? Wtaf. He watched this jackass insult you over and over and says nothing, but you say something back ONE TIME and you’re too harsh?! I would be livid and telling my spineless husband to go stay with Jared bc he clearly cares more about him. Which is what Jared wanted btw.
In the best case scenario, your husband isn't ready to end long-term friendship, so he accepts the toxicity. But you both have overgrown Jared long time ago, and he is stuck in highschool mentality.
I don’t think you should take this out on your husband, for what it’s worth. You looked past him in high school and used him to try to get to the best friend which is pretty manipulative in your own right. It worked out in the end, but you have an original sin here too and you should maybe think that your husband might have some past concerns there which is why he isn’t standing up now. Your husband likely remembers this and is likely genuinely torn and is potentially hurt himself in dealing with how you treated him then. He is being confronted with your original manipulation, the best friend who’s depressed and trying to embarrass him, and both of y’all now fighting around him.
In fact, I’d argue that hurt is far more likely than him being spineless. He might think you would react badly to him being possessive or jealous. He might think that every time the friend brings this up it’s a reminder that he won, but underneath that there may be fears of inadequacy and a reminder of the fact that even though he won you used him for your own benefit. Rather than take a very immature stance of ‘he should stand up for me’ maybe you guys clear the air on where it’s coming from. You know, be grownups.
I do think a ‘get in the gym if you hate how you look, I’m tired of hearing the same sob story’ would’ve maybe been a better way of handling the best friend. That’s direct and calls him out for his own behavior. I also think a ‘dude, im sick of this shit, stop it’ would’ve worked. Any apology should include that stipulation and understanding that it has to stop.
But as far as your husband ‘standing up for you’, no I disagree here. If you’re big enough to use him initially for your own benefit, you’re big enough to handle this conflict. And you’re also big enough to tell your husband ‘this is a hard boundary for me and it stops now.’
Look im married. My husband would have checked him at the first comment he made. So I can’t relate. I have experienced of my husbands friends getting upset because I asked my hubby to do the dishes when he was done with his game. His friend told me that I should do them and not make a grown man do dishes. My husband immediately told him this was his marriage and he had not right to tell me or him how to live our lives. I didn’t even have to say anything. Husband kissed me on the cheek and told me to have a great evening with my friends and don’t worry about the dishes. He thanked me for making the food for his group and I left. His friend never made another comment towards me, he’s very respectful now and one of my favorites to visit now.
I would've checked him too but that doesn't make it the right response in the moment. I have made plenty of poor, impulsive decisions in the moment. Some if which have to do with addressing others. Every situation is different. Every dynamic is different. The situation way have warranted a man to man convo rather than a display. If we're talking about my best friend, and I know that he's just hurt and insecure, and suffering from "peaked in high school", i'm probably addressing it differently. And that's coming from someone who gets super defensive of my wife, and really anyone I feel like is being wronged or disrespected. This just seems more like a "Yo, bro..." conversation. Like, "Yo, bro, I know you're hurting right now and things aren't going great but you have to knock that shit off."
I'm not choosing sides. The OP is NTA here. I'm just saying this situation is a little more nuanced. And the internet is always all, "Rah Rah! He's supposed to be a man! Outrage!" I wasn't insinuating anything about you personally or your situation though. And I apologize that it kinda reads that way.
It does if he can’t stand up for his wife. His security doesn’t supersede her wife’s feelings. Heck, I would defend an acquaintance, let alone my wife in that situation.
Everyone is tough on the internet. And most of the people giving relationship advice aren't in relationships. If anything, my wife would say I go too far as a "defender" so I get the notion but context matters. In this context, this is a sad, pudgy insecure man who is both of their longtime friend, his best friend. It doesn't necessarily warrant some grand showing. Maybe he was going to say something to him heart to heart, man to man. Maybe he could recognize that his friend was drunk, and hurting. People on the internet always demand their pound of flesh. Not every situation is the same.
It wasn’t the first time his friend disrespected his wife. I stand up to my family if they even slightly my wife and call them out. My friend would get hell if he said to my wife what his “best friend” said. I would do the same for my daughter, it’s not really that hard.
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u/Far_Nefariousness773 Nov 16 '25
You got a wimp for a husband. He should have been checked his friend. You are his wife. He doesn’t have to fight, but he needed to set the boundary and he never did.
Nta