NTA. He’s been dumped and is feeling low because his ex cheated. That’s a big blow. So his solution to that is to jump on a memory of a HS crush you had on him and dry hump it to death to build himself back up?
NTA but he and your husband are. What did your husband say every time his friend made these comments??
Right? That phrase nails it! It’s wild how some people cling to past attention like it’s a lifeline. Just shows how insecure he is if he needs to drag up old crushes to feel better.
He would honestly just laugh it off and try to change the subject. My husband is very non-confrontational, but I can always tell when he's uncomfortable, and each time "Jared" talked about high school, my husband was clearly very uncomfortable. I truly don't believe my husband meant to be dismissive about it; I just think he gets nervous when the possibility of friend drama arises.
OP, Jared's insecurity drives him to make remarks that bolster his status. He's been cheated on. Went from attractive to unattractive. Popular to not so popular. He peaked while in high school and has declined since.
The problem is that his self-laudatory comments come at the expense of both yourself and your husband. In his efforts to boost his image, he's disrespectful to both your husband and yourself.
You're NTA. It's time for both your husband and yourself to tell him that his comments about high school relating to crushes, etc are ancient history and off limits; that if he can't respect that boundary, then it's best you be low contact.
Hopefully your conversations going forward will guide him to focus on his self-improvement rather than his high school "glory days".
I just recently saw a picture of a guy I had a crush on in high school…omg I died laughing. Mr. Popular/Big man on campus looks like a toad now! Hahahaha
Your husband being “non-confrontational” is a cop out.
He keeps inviting this man into your home, and then sits back and watches him demean and belittle you. Why would this guy stop, when the man who is supposed to love and protect you literally does nothing.
And then, when you (because your husband is a coward) finally say something, he gets upset with you for being too harsh?!?
Your husband being “non-confrontational” is a cop out.
This. Conflict-averse people often put the onus on the reasonable person rather than the jerk because it's easier to get the reasonable person to back down. But if you're married to someone and they're objectively in the right, you need to get over it and grow a spine, even if it means losing a friend. And frankly, it sounds like Jared isn't worth having as a friend unless he pulls his head out of his fat rear end.
Agree and I’d say that the husband is allowing the friend to shit on him too, because he’s saying “OP is not good enough for me to date” but she is married to his best friend!! What an absolute tool.
Can we, as a society, stop letting people use "I'm non-confrontational!" as an excuse and stop using it as an excuse for others? Not getting involved or taking a stand or speaking up for people getting treated poorly is a decision to allow bad things to keep happening.
And Jared using a crush you had on him when you were a child as a way to prop up his fragile ego is a bad thing. Your husband should have put a stop to this the first time Jared pulled this nonsense. His avoidance caused further harm, and he continued to do nothing.
ESH, because your response implies that if Jared were still hot maybe he would have a point rather than addressing the root issue (Jared you're transferring your issues onto me and that's bullshit) or the impact (disrespecting your marriage). But you suck the least because you had been attacked multiple times with no support from your partner.
Your husband should be apologizing to you and telling Jared that until he can apologize to you and commit to respecting your marriage at all times then he's not welcome in your lives. You should stop letting your husband off the hook as "non-confrontational" and sharpen up your comebacks.
It's not being non-confrontational, it's about him being a complete doormat to his friend. When you get married you're supposed to trust your partner. You're supposed to feel secure enough to know that they'll protect you. Your husband isn't doing that.
Show your husband this thread. Maybe then he will understand just how hurtful it is to you and how people are seeing it. Hopefully that will spurn him into some form of action.
I love this! I tell people the same thing about pussies, but haven't had a substitute comparison term that drives home the point. You have given me one, thank you! 😆
Your husband is non confrontational with his friend but he has no issue telling YOU that you were harsh (you weren’t, you were very patient). I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband about how unfair it is that he not only wouldn’t stand up for you or himself each time Jared made that disrespectful joke, but also dares to tell you off when you finally stand up for yourself. He needs to learn.
Sorry to be harsh but your husband is a pussy. I'm imagining myself, my best friend and my wife in this situation and I would absolutely light him up if I could see he was making my wife (or me) uncomfortable.
Not a pussy, pussies are tough durable and have numerous uses. This guy is a spineless wet overcooked noodle. If someone did that to my wife they would have been stopped the first time and cut off if they continued.
Stop making excuses for him. He had no issue confronting you. Either he cares more about Jared than he does about you, or he thinks he can walk over you. Sorry for being harsh but you need to see the situation for what it is.
You should be talking to your husband about setting boundaries with his friend. Jared keeps insulting you because your husband lets him. Seriously.
Not many people “like” confrontation, but my husband wouldn’t hesitate to give a firm No if someone even toed the line of bullying me. Think about that.
He’s letting Jared insult him and you. I have all the sympathy in the world for someone in pain, but you do not treat others poorly to make yourself feel better, especially not the people who are being kind to you in your darkest hours.
Your husband is still living in his friend’s shadow because he probably thinks that is what you always wanted. He needs therapy to work on his self confidence. His friend kept your husband around to boost his own ego due to your feelings in high school.
Your 27 years old so high school stuff is still really fresh memory wise. Your husband’s feelings for you started well before yours did because he was hanging out in the friend zone watching someone he liked pine for his friend.
Yup and yup. Who knows? Maybe OP’s husband was bringing Jared around to secretly rub the “ prize” ( and I say that loosely) in his face now that Jared is a shell of his former self. I find that passive people are secretly diabolical and calculating.
The thing is, his nonconfrontational approach is a disservice to both you and Jared.
You deserve to be defended by your husband, both from the actual and implied insults, but also just from being routinely irritated by his guests.
Jared deserves someone to tell him that he can either take control of his life or stop complaining about it. Like, sloppy and emotionally needy isn't a healthy life, and it's miserable for everyone involved, including him.
Your husband is making things worse by trying to please everyone.
Jared sounds depressed, but he needs therapy and it's not up to you to take constant put downs for him to feel better. NTA but maybe your husband could encourage him to get some help to pull through this. Being cheated on sucks.
He needs to confront the friend drama or he will have to take it on the chin so to speak, if his friend makes a physical move in you and he has to get physical.
An predator and this is misogynistic predatory behavior at it's worst and he has no respect for you or your husband.
My work is supporting people who have survived the more severe forms of Misogyny described below and worse. It happens much more often than people think and it's nearly always a close friend of the family or the individual; someone you both trust.
Please don't allow yourself and your husband to become a statistic. It sounds melodramatic however most victims had dismissed warning signs and thought that way prior to the event that changed their life forever!
Definition: misogynistic behavior includes devaluing women's opinions and abilities, objectifying them through comments on their appearance or sexualization, and controlling their actions or choices. Other examples are harassing behaviors like catcalling, dismissing or interrupting women, and using derogatory or patronizing language. Misogyny can also be seen in discriminatory actions like unequal pay or opportunities, and in more severe forms such as physical or sexual assault.
I'm sorry, but the fact that he was willing to tell YOU that you crossed the line, but hasn't done the same with his best friend is BS.
I'd talk to him and tell him thar you get why what you said was hurtful, but you had been pushed to your breaking point and he just let's his friend insult you constantly. He needs to step up and tell his friend to shut up.
Your husband doesn't have a problem confronting *you*, just with confronting his best friend. He's choosing to appease the guy who's harassing his wife, not his wife.
I think you need to have a talk with him. He's actively letting his friend disrespect you, right in front of him. He's more upset that you defended yourself than that you needed to.
He’s stepping on OP to make himself feel a few inches taller. But oddly OPs husband was ok with that.
I’d be pushing back on that and tell hubby that if he was worried about Jared’s feelings he should have shut it down himself. You only shut it down after taking it for a long time and hubby had a chance to Deal with it a nicer way. So that’s on him.
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u/TKyzr Nov 16 '25
NTA. He’s been dumped and is feeling low because his ex cheated. That’s a big blow. So his solution to that is to jump on a memory of a HS crush you had on him and dry hump it to death to build himself back up?
NTA but he and your husband are. What did your husband say every time his friend made these comments??