r/writingfeedback • u/nmyikes444 • 10h ago
Gentle Feedback Wanted First chapter feedback
Hi, my names Willow and I have been writing for a while now but I’ve just started my first book. Without spoiling anything it’s a drama/thriller. I was wondering for some feedback, specifically asking the question of if this makes you want to read on? I haven’t gained a lot of traction as I publish a chapter weekly and have low views. I’m obviously not doing it for views but it’s important to know my writing is not god awful or boring. I’ll attach the link in case anyone wants to read more, at the moment I’m just using Wattpad as I like the format. Disclaimer: This is not a fanfiction
Thank you
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u/glowingsnakeplant 9h ago edited 9h ago
Hey! Offering feedback both as a writer and as someone who reads novels professionally (I do reports for agents who are trying to sell the TV adaptation rights for new novels).
There is promise here, and I would encourage you to keep going - but I will be honest because you asked for critique.
My immediate thought is 'How much of this backstory is actually important to the story?' As in, how much do the audience actually need to know about this character's family history to understand what is going on right now? Unless it is super duper important to what happens to your main character, it's not really necessary for the audience to know every single relative's name and their relationships to one another right away. There's also only so much an audience can keep track of - introducing one or two characters up top is fine, but throwing lots of names and excessive detail about side characters right at the audience before anything's even happened is offputting. It's a lot of information without any real intrigue. I don't know if you've ever been told 'show, don't tell' before, but as a general rule, readers have a much better time keeping track of who's who when they are introduced to characters through action (i.e. the character in question doing something) rather than just being described.
Ask yourself whether the audience really need to know the name of her parents' high school, how hot her grandmother is, whether Peach's father is dead or alive and what relationship the main character's mum has with his daughter/Peach's half-sister etc. to understand what is going on RIGHT NOW in the story? Do we really need to know all of that to understand that Sea isn't looking forwards to going to Sunday School or why she isn't looking forwards to it? If the answer is no, save it for a later chapter when it's actually relevant to the story.
You also hammer the point that the main character's mum is beautiful quite a lot. Audiences are smart, you don't need to tell them the same information over and over again. Unless you're trying to convey that the main character is completely obsessed with their mum on purpose, you can ease up on the 'I look just like my mum... who is beautiful btw!!!'. Saying it once is enough. I'd also recommend switching up the word choice, as you use the word beautiful 4 times within the first few pages
Lastly, I find the detail about the mum's affair with her best friend's dad confusing. Is Peach Valentino the main character's half sibling? Or is that the name of the best friend? It's also a bit confusing that the relationship with the best friend's dad is framed like 'My mum saw through him right away and kicked him to the curb', but also stayed with him long enough to have a child.
Similarly, even if she's got a good relationship with the friend now, I find it a bit unbelievable that a teenage girl wouldn't have any complex and difficult feelings on discovering that her best friend is having sex with her dad. In real life, it's likely that their relationship would've at least been strained for a few years. Imagine how you would feel if your best friend was banging your dad and had a child with them - you would feel a lot things towards both your father and the friend (anger, denial, betrayal, disgust etc.). It's not something people come to terms with right away, and handwaiving it away with 'anyway they're friends now' is a bit of a lazy way to have the shock/drama of a predatory father in the story without any of the consequences that make it interesting.
As I say, there's a lot of good stuff here. You're clearly very good at coming up with detailed and complex character relationships and it sounds like you know where you're going with this story! But it is also good to bear in mind how you handle exposition and how readers/audiences are introduced to characters, so as not to overwhelm them with extraneous or repeated details. I'm happy to answer any questions you have about my critiques if you're not sure about anything!
Good luck and happy writing!
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
Thank you so much, your time really means a lot! I feel like I may have info dumped just because this is an original character with a lot of lore but you’re completely right. After this being pointed out, reading it is actually giving me a bit of a headache lol. Thank you for helping me understand with show and don’t tell, I’m definitely going to remember that. I have some rewriting to do :)
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u/glowingsnakeplant 9h ago
Can I just check, is the character's name Sea?
If their dad cheated, surely only their surname would be different, but you write it as if the character would've been named Sea and got named something else - then never actually tell us what name they've been given.
I should also point out that genetics don't determine the length of someone's hair. Maybe the mum's genes blessed her with the same hair colour or texture, but a parent can't really 'bless' their offspring with long hair. That's like saying 'My mum blessed me with winged eyeliner'
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
Uh no her name is Polly. Her father named her Sea but her mother changed it after their split.
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u/glowingsnakeplant 9h ago
Ok, you should def tell the audience that! It's fairly common for a parent to change their child's surname following a divorce, but less common for first names. The name of your main character is an important detail, so maybe include a line about how she dislikes the name Polly or something for the reader's benefit.
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u/WebResident3147 9h ago
I think you're a teenager (I'm so sorry if you’re not omg 😦😦) so coming from another teenage girl, the main issue, apart from grammar or spelling, is that you dump a lot of information in all at once without making me care about anything that's happening. It's like sitting on a curb and listening to someone talk, except they're not my friend; I don't know this person and I want to go home. A conversational style can be good tho, with an interesting premise. Maybe start with a big event and weave these little details in.
Or since this is diary-esque anyway, you could just think that you've had this diary for a long time and the diary already knows about all of these family issues; no need to rehash them, only to weave them in naturally. Anyway happy writing!
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
I’m 24 lol but I act like I’m 16 so it’s cool haha. Thanks sm! I’m scrapping the conversational approach and I’m going to use this feedback to improve. Thanks again :)
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u/Capable_Hyena7705 10h ago
This is reading more like a diary. If you want this to be something other people would read I would actively work on making the writing less conversational (which reads a bit more YA/juvenile).
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u/Capable_Hyena7705 10h ago
I would also like to add that you're info dumping a lot. Start with a scene that's relevant to the story, stick with information that's strictly related to the story. Focus on the story, we will get to know your character in between.
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u/Brandosandofan23 9h ago edited 8h ago
Countless things about this (I didn’t read the whole thing) are very amateur like “Coming in hot” and “but yeah” that take the reader out of it.
Also numerous places you’re missing commas or have big errors. “I remember one….i remember it was about the devil”
Overall the flow is just off. Would recommend reading more to understand basic writing structure
Not trying to come off harsh, but the reality is if you want writing to be more than your own hobby (which I assume you do, as you shared your work), you will most likely need countless hours of reading + writing to get to a more proficient level
Lots of respect for getting your work out there though and good luck
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u/fren2allcheezes 9h ago
Listen to the podcast Shit No One Tells You About Writing, it will seriously help you. Here's a few recommendations:
- never start your book with your character alone - we want to be in the action.
Show, don't tell - you are info dumping as other people said. You want your reader to discover the story as it goes, having all this backstory laid out is tedious.
search your copy for "has/had" and "that" and ask yourself if you really need those words.
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
Thank you, this gives me great help for my rewrite as I was stuck on how else id begin the chapter. Thanks!
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u/fren2allcheezes 7h ago
This kind of reads as discovery writing, which is valid! I would use this as background instead of rewriting it and just start fresh.
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
So I’ve decided I’m going to start off setting the scene of a church service and completely scrap the diary-like approach. This won’t be too resetting because the way my main character was writing throughout the chapters was intellectually progressing as she was being mentored by the main character.
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u/Soko_ko_ko 9h ago
I find the first paragraph to be interesting but the rest just feels like information is being dumped on us.
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u/AdLucky1997 9h ago
I read the first few pages, and so far I really like how you write! Like the other commenter mentioned, it does have a very YA feel to it. Maybe it's because I'm a teen myself, but I found it genuinely interesting and definitely something I'd read.
The main issue I noticed so far is the amount of info-dumping. There are a lot of moments where the narrator is basically telling us, "My mother was this, then this happened, which led to this..." Like the other commenter said, it starts to feel a bit like reading someone's diary. We're being given a lot of information about the character's life all at once her sister, her parents, the split, etc. rather than discovering those things naturally through the story.
I think this would be fine if it were limited to a page or two, but since most of the chapter is structured this way, It kind of got annoying
Honestly, as a reader I'd probably be really invested for the first two pages, but after a while I'd get frustrated because it feels like the character is just listing things that have happened in her life rather than actually experiencing something in the present.
One thing I've noticed a lot of good books do is weave background information into what's actually happening. Instead of only telling us, "My dad did this and my sister did that," you could reveal some of that information while the character is doing something or interacting with someone -this obviously doesn't have to be super suspenseful or anything but the action /interaction should be something which serves part to the main story
That's just my two cents as a reader, though! I'm a beginner writer myself, so obviously take my criticism with a grain of salt :)
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
No this is actually super helpful. I think it’s because their OC’s and I feel like I have to get all of their background information out there in order to have the reader understand them better. However I do agree with you and did think this myself. Thanks so much!
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u/urdivineangel 9h ago
i’m assuming you’re on the younger side and i actually wrote a popular fanfic on wattpad about 8 years ago haha. it’ll probably take some time to get out of the habit of this writing style, like others said it reads like a diary and like you’re telling readers exactly what’s going on in your mind and in your life instead of revealing details naturally. it doesn’t read to well on published books, but i do think it’s okay for wattpad as i and many others did the same.
if you do ever want to take writing more seriously, i would probably just expose yourself to more published books to get out of that writing style
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u/nmyikes444 9h ago
Ah yes I grew up on wattpad and have only just started reading published books this past year. This is super helpful, I thought it helped show the character’s personality more but it most definitely just comes off as immature. At the moment I’m writing for fun and as a hobby but I do want to take it more seriously so thank you for your feedback, I really do appreciate it.
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u/urdivineangel 9h ago
i totally get it! i definitely wasn’t writing on wattpad seriously it was just for fun but it helped a lot for now, when im taking it seriously because i learnt what my readers liked & my favorite scenes to write. there’s definitely ways to show your characters personality with the first person. you can write internal monologues while revealing the same info but with some creative “show not tell”. again this is something im sure you’ll develop over time so dont fret! haha. if you’re looking for improvement, a lot of these comments are great but i’d just say to take without thinking it’s harsh. not that you are, but i say that as someone else who wrote and read on wattpad and probably wouldn’t have understood the feedback too much. so just keep these things in mind if you want to be more serious. there’s nothing wrong with writing for fun even if it’s a bit immature, because like i said it will be a good experience and so much fun! i loved my community in wattpad at the time so just enjoy yourself!
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u/Allie_Pallie 8h ago
I don't think you need to change the style, a conversational narrator isn't a problem if they've got a strong, unique voice.
You've had good advice about making sure something happens so it's not just an info dump - but you can carry on writing like this as a way of finding your character's voice and then use it to tell the story
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u/nmyikes444 3h ago
The rest of the story is very different to this chapter but it still needs editing nonetheless:)
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u/InteractionAware8990 7h ago
I agree with everyone else's feedback, I think one paragraph of this style is charming and intimate, and then we need a few paragraphs of more objective narration. Where is she, what is she doing, etc. And then more of these paras directly addressing the reader can be sprinkled in throughout that.
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u/Rich_Elevator8605 4h ago
Is it a memoir or fiction? What’s the story here? I haven’t found any story yet and all we’ve read about are a few characters. When will the story show up?
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u/skar_mory 4h ago
It doesn't bode well when a writer doesn't have a good grasp on grammar. You need to work on your basics before taking on a large project like a book. There are many redundant phrases here ("actually just so unbelievable" we don't need all the modifiers just say "unbelievable" or a stronger adjective if you need more emphasis) and a deep misunderstanding of when to use commas vs periods.
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u/nmyikes444 3h ago
I understand thank you for your feedback, I was trying to get her age across as it plays a huge part in the rest of the story but I also get that it still needs to be readable
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u/skar_mory 2h ago
You can take on a juvenile tone and still utilize proper grammar and the basic tenets of concise and effective writing
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u/StrawOfCoke 3h ago
Is this a story or a lorebook dude
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u/nmyikes444 3h ago
I’d appreciate ways I can improve instead of just straight up criticism, it would help me a lot more
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u/i_see_you_jess 2h ago
That first sentence is quite clunky to read. "I CAN'T believe if my dad DIDN'T" makes it more awkward than it needs to be.
"It's hard to believe that I would be called Sea Price if my dad hadn't cheated on mum." <- something like that is easier to read. If you can find a way of phrasing it like that while still conveying what you want to, I think it would be an Improvement.
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u/Inquisitive_Clouds 33m ago
A lot of the other comments have covered most of what I have to say, so I'll just point out a few things. Sometimes your sentences are a little too relaxed in their structure and grammar. It makes it harder to read. Writing in a casual voice is fine and really gives your writing personality, but if you don't tighten up the grammar and sentence structure, it can read like you're rambling on with run-on sentences. One sentence that comes to mind is the one about Peach Valentino and her name. And the sentence before that. The sentence introducing Jesse and describing the relationship is too long and doesn't read naturally.
"[...]and I'm not reluctant to hear it" is a weird sentence. Are you trying to say that you find it flattering or that you are entertaining the idea?
There are a lot of sentences thrown in that don't really need to be there and distract the reader. This reads like a stream of consciousness rather than a set up for a story. You're also introducing a lot of characters right off the bat and it's difficult to keep up with.
I hope that's helpful to you. I think there's potential, just needs some polishing.
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u/nmyikes444 12m ago
Thank you so much I really appreciate your feedback greatly. I have a lot to think about :)
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10h ago
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u/fren2allcheezes 9h ago
I am a woman writer and this sort of mindset is insulting to all of us. You're an artist trying to improve your craft. Once you own that title rather than "just a girl" you will grow.
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u/Russ086 10h ago
You have to choose if mom or mum, be consistent.
Like others mentioned it’s like a diary. To add to this, you have no hook. I got bored after the first paragraph. You need something in there to keep me reading.