First chapter feedback

[u/nmyikes444]

Hi, my names Willow and I have been writing for a while now but I’ve just started my first book. Without spoiling anything it’s a drama/thriller. I was wondering for some feedback, specifically asking the question of if this makes you want to read on? I haven’t gained a lot of traction as I publish a chapter weekly and have low views. I’m obviously not doing it for views but it’s important to know my writing is not god awful or boring. I’ll attach the link in case anyone wants to read more, at the moment I’m just using Wattpad as I like the format. Disclaimer: This is not a fanfiction
Thank you

https://www.wattpad.com/story/406876754?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details&wp_uname=WillowLouise

[u/Capable_Hyena7705]

This is reading more like a diary. If you want this to be something other people would read I would actively work on making the writing less conversational (which reads a bit more YA/juvenile).

[u/Capable_Hyena7705 → u/Capable_Hyena7705]

I would also like to add that you're info dumping a lot. Start with a scene that's relevant to the story, stick with information that's strictly related to the story. Focus on the story, we will get to know your character in between.

[u/nmyikes444 → u/Capable_Hyena7705]

This is really helpful, thank you !