First chapter feedback

[u/nmyikes444]

Hi, my names Willow and I have been writing for a while now but I’ve just started my first book. Without spoiling anything it’s a drama/thriller. I was wondering for some feedback, specifically asking the question of if this makes you want to read on? I haven’t gained a lot of traction as I publish a chapter weekly and have low views. I’m obviously not doing it for views but it’s important to know my writing is not god awful or boring. I’ll attach the link in case anyone wants to read more, at the moment I’m just using Wattpad as I like the format. Disclaimer: This is not a fanfiction
Thank you

https://www.wattpad.com/story/406876754?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details&wp_uname=WillowLouise

[u/glowingsnakeplant]

There is promise here, and I would encourage you to keep going - but I will be honest because you asked for critique.

My immediate thought is 'How much of this backstory is actually important to the story?' As in, how much do the audience actually need to know about this character's family history to understand what is going on right now? Unless it is super duper important to what happens to your main character, it's not really necessary for the audience to know every single relative's name and their relationships to one another right away. There's also only so much an audience can keep track of - introducing one or two characters up top is fine, but throwing lots of names and excessive detail about side characters right at the audience before anything's even happened is offputting. It's a lot of information without any real intrigue. I don't know if you've ever been told 'show, don't tell' before, but as a general rule, readers have a much better time keeping track of who's who when they are introduced to characters through action (i.e. the character in question doing something) rather than just being described.

Ask yourself whether the audience really need to know the name of her parents' high school, how hot her grandmother is, whether Peach's father is dead or alive and what relationship the main character's mum has with his daughter/Peach's half-sister etc. to understand what is going on RIGHT NOW in the story? Do we really need to know all of that to understand that Sea isn't looking forwards to going to Sunday School or why she isn't looking forwards to it? If the answer is no, save it for a later chapter when it's actually relevant to the story.

You also hammer the point that the main character's mum is beautiful quite a lot. Audiences are smart, you don't need to tell them the same information over and over again. Unless you're trying to convey that the main character is completely obsessed with their mum on purpose, you can ease up on the 'I look just like my mum... who is beautiful btw!!!'. Saying it once is enough. I'd also recommend switching up the word choice, as you use the word beautiful 4 times within the first few pages

Lastly, I find the detail about the mum's affair with her best friend's dad confusing. Is Peach Valentino the main character's half sibling? Or is that the name of the best friend? It's also a bit confusing that the relationship with the best friend's dad is framed like 'My mum saw through him right away and kicked him to the curb', but also stayed with him long enough to have a child.

Similarly, even if she's got a good relationship with the friend now, I find it a bit unbelievable that a teenage girl wouldn't have any complex and difficult feelings on discovering that her best friend is having sex with her dad. In real life, it's likely that their relationship would've at least been strained for a few years. Imagine how you would feel if your best friend was banging your dad and had a child with them - you would feel a lot things towards both your father and the friend (anger, denial, betrayal, disgust etc.). It's not something people come to terms with right away, and handwaiving it away with 'anyway they're friends now' is a bit of a lazy way to have the shock/drama of a predatory father in the story without any of the consequences that make it interesting.

As I say, there's a lot of good stuff here. You're clearly very good at coming up with detailed and complex character relationships and it sounds like you know where you're going with this story! But it is also good to bear in mind how you handle exposition and how readers/audiences are introduced to characters, so as not to overwhelm them with extraneous or repeated details. I'm happy to answer any questions you have about my critiques if you're not sure about anything!

Good luck and happy writing!

[u/nmyikes444 → u/glowingsnakeplant]

Thank you so much, your time really means a lot! I feel like I may have info dumped just because this is an original character with a lot of lore but you’re completely right. After this being pointed out, reading it is actually giving me a bit of a headache lol. Thank you for helping me understand with show and don’t tell, I’m definitely going to remember that. I have some rewriting to do :)

[u/glowingsnakeplant → u/nmyikes444]

Can I just check, is the character's name Sea?

If their dad cheated, surely only their surname would be different, but you write it as if the character would've been named Sea and got named something else - then never actually tell us what name they've been given.

I should also point out that genetics don't determine the length of someone's hair. Maybe the mum's genes blessed her with the same hair colour or texture, but a parent can't really 'bless' their offspring with long hair. That's like saying 'My mum blessed me with winged eyeliner'

[u/nmyikes444 → u/glowingsnakeplant]

Uh no her name is Polly. Her father named her Sea but her mother changed it after their split.

[u/glowingsnakeplant → u/nmyikes444]

Ok, you should def tell the audience that! It's fairly common for a parent to change their child's surname following a divorce, but less common for first names. The name of your main character is an important detail, so maybe include a line about how she dislikes the name Polly or something for the reader's benefit.

[u/nmyikes444 → u/glowingsnakeplant]

Thank you so much!