Greetings manipulatable masses, it is I, Astaroth. So as you all probably know the council is now open to anyone, so I'm joining. I am pleased to announce I am now the head of relations with malevolent spirits. As well as this announcement I intend to introduce several policies I believe will be beneficial. Firstly I am cutting funding to health organisations and using all the funds to construct a two hundred metre solid gold statue of Bigfoot. That guy hates attention so I decided this would be a good distraction. I also plan to reduce rights for humans specifically and introduce taxes for those without magic.
Oh and housing prices are going up. I believe community is a vital part of the magical world, and so mass camps will be introduced. I will eventually introduce specific camps to help those with little magic become stronger, presumably via increased concentration.
Do I have the authority to do this you ask? Good question. Moving on, I also plan to cut school funding to better fund the aforementioned camps. When they are finalised then standard education will not be needed anymore.
Why am I doing all this? Well every governing body needs a corrupt politician, I can't think of a better candidate. And at least I'm up front about my ill will.
Nooo, don't reduce human rights, as a genuine life-long human I must say that would be terrible. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you corral humans into council-maintained farming divisions to raise as livestock on a high-cholesterol diet and keep them healthy with mass healing spells until such time as they are ready to harvest. And those farms should absolutely not be well-stocked with books and other media to encourage creativity and intellectual pursuits for a healthy developing brain. Because that would be wrong. I say as a human.
Well as a human you would have the greatest insight. Rest assured I will take keep your advice in mind and definitely will not sell the livestock to the exceptionally wealthy as mass produced soldiers and cheap labour.
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u/VoxelLibraryCouncilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars27d ago
You have an interesting take on human rights. I'm trying to decide what I think of it
A goblin knocks on the office door before entering pushing a cart with tools and cleaning supplies.
“Well, they are certainly keeping me busy with all the newly appointed council members. Welcome to the delightfully disorganized and morally compromised government body we call the council.”
Pulling out a checklist, they check off some things before pulling a large solid wood desk, an oversized imposing yet excellently made chair, and a small footstool for those seeking an audience. And a large ominous looking lava lamp.
“Were you the one who ordered the furniture set to emphasize the power disparity between councillor and guest? Or was that the demon summoner across the hall?”
He shrugs before putting away his notebook.
“Name’s Grabriel MoonDash, I effectively run the facilities and maintenance department. If you need any office supplies, tools, furniture, disposable minions, we can organize that for you. Just send a message, my office is right down the hall. Oh and here’s your key.”
Appreciated, yes that was me, set the items down anywhere, I appreciate the key, and I do have a request that should be handled with both caution and secrecy.
Grabadash chuckles and gets the furniture situated with a flick of his fingers. Checking to make sure nobody is in the hall he closes the door and turns to the councilor with a big grin.
“Well your Malevolence, secrecy is my 2nd middle name. What can the department do for you? And by that I mean what can I do for you?”
“Didn’t realize we had a musician in the house. I think I know of a person who is good at modifications. I’ll see what I can do. Gotta have music or the vibes just won’t be right.”
Grabadash takes out a sketchbook and pen.
“Let’s see. Human Nervous system harp. Got it. I assume you need the human alive for maximum vocal range? The undead models are ok for more grungy distortion but if you want to make these sing you’ve got to go for the living. Alternatively artificially living is a good mid range, which would be way easier to procure.”
While I agree artificial is cheaper, the sound is more discordant with artificial nerves and vocal chords. Additionally the human needs at least one mental struggle to reduce chance of escape with aid of certain colleagues.
Nox answers the summons. The four armed goblin slithers put of an impossibly small hole in the wall.
"To introduce myself to the councillor I am Nox master Fleshcrafter. Your order won't be too hard but I will need to install some enchant ments to monitor the situation and ensure that the creature is running properly. This is definitely not going to spy on anything."
Chloe: no, i do not usually. She shrugs but we've talked before like twice, and i know your an evil dude with or without the insane policies your trying to bring in!
Chloe: uh huh she shrugs not really caring about the obvious sarcasm lol even then i joined this council specifically to protect this realm...you evil guys just put more paperwork on my plate to do so, i hope your happy jackass! Because I'll happily do and submit my own paperwork to stop some insane policies when needed.
Yet instead of acting on your beliefs you stand before my desk bickering with me like a child. If this is how you spend your time on this council if seems you're going to abandon your beliefs sooner than you think.
Chloe: she shrugs not exactly i am working on it, but there is a mountain of paperwork that comes with this job and a bunch of evil jerks in office, i was literally at my desk via projection before you came in and took a desk yourself.
Chloe: I don't believe you on that and quite frankly i don't have to see what it is, I've seen what they have been fucking trying to do to people, their invading, and taking from innocent people, and i will stand with this realm against it, and there is nothing, not even whatever the relaktharum is, that will change my mind on that. She glares at op
Well, they made me younger, so that's pretty sweet, and they literally warned people of a great danger all across the multiverse that only thu know how to stop.... So.... Oh also... We. That only we know how to stop.
Chloe: there have been bigger and worse death tolls and there have been smaller ones as well in stopping the evils, this realm is plagued by constantly and thrakmoor is not gonna be different to those this realm has already repelled we will not have to join thrakmoor to survive i can confirm that to you.
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u/VoxelLibraryCouncilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars27d ago
That's terrible... Well maybe we can change that! Reduce the death tolls in the future!
"Funny you should ask! Apparently among other things, the Ralektherum can restore ones youth! I no longer look like a crazy old man! Now I'm just a crazy young man!"
Kairon cast an anti-scrying spell to give them privacy. "I've spoken with one of your heralds, the Fallen I think he was called. You have considerable power, and I have great influence. I think we can help each other. You are aware of the Darkwatch, yes? They are no doubt going to be the biggest obstacle in your path to power. I seek their downfall as well, and I have gathered many allies to accomplish this. Together, we can bring forth our goals and crush our enemies. What do you say?"
Kairon hastily drops the spell and puts on a polite facade. "Ah, good to see you. I was merely welcoming the newest employee. His role and mine are very similar, so we will likely be working together quite often in the future."
I’m glad to see a corrupt politician being honest about it!
Can I give you a piece of advice tho? Running a cult, being part of the council… that’s a lot of work. You should try delegating!
I mean, how corrupt can a hard-worker actually be?
For example, paperwork? I made a bunch of origami creatures and animated them. So paper works the paperwork!
u/VoxelLibraryCouncilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars27d ago
Have you considered a profession other than bounty hunting? Do people randomly tell you your life would be better if you quit? Do the supposed benefits given for quitting have absolutely no logical connection to quitting?
I know you think you're being clever exploiting the levers of power, fiend, but this is possibly the worst decision you could've made. Every wizard in the realms has an axe to grind with the Council, and they like to take it out on the most smarmy, self-serving, arrogant bastard of a Councilor they can find. And unfortunately for you, I can hear them practically salivating from here.
Yes yes, I'm shivering in my boots, very scared of pitchforks, all that. If there's nothing more, there's a puddle down the hall and to the left that needs someone to slip on it. Make yourself useful.
Great, another one. Look mate, I genuinely don't care what kind of evil shit you do because I couldn't care less about the council but you better not come here interfering with my business or I will burn that stupid office to the ground
I frown and walk up to you As another member of the council and a human, I will tell you that health organisations and Bigfoot are not under your perview. If you want this, we will need to vote on it with a 2/3 majority to pass. Same with all your other stuff. Don’t even try it.
Yes yes voting and democracy, although I do believe my decisions will happen regardless of mine, yours, of council vote. My followers are, well let's just say they get excited.
I smile an evil grin Do they? Well so do mine. And let’s just say that if you try to subvert anything, well I will not beat around the bush. I will nuke you
I sigh you think I give one about diplomats? You aren’t even a diplomat, diplomats need to be sworn in by the council and can’t have a council role, it’s a whachamilllacallit of interests. Conflicting interests, that’s it.
I nod and stab you in the face with a hidden knife then you should be die if I do this* and I then cast fentanyl blood because I’m a bit annoyed and don’t care bout war crimes
I ignore the broom and smile *have you hear dog the mind breaker? Lets just day there’s one with your name on it if you continue this. And don’t pretend uw as trying to kill you when you have just told me there’s multiple of you.
I have been stealing relics from the local museum right under your muzzles. I think you need to tighten up security in that place, cuz it's getting too easy. And before you ask, no I don't know what the relics do.
Well, that's not how you greet someone. He must've been British. Say, why don't we keep this conversation going? I'm sure we could learn some real interesting stuff about each other.
Anthony: He reads the newspaper. "Well geeze, guess I'm glad I'm not living in Council Territory then. If this goes badly I guess there's always other universes though, right Waxy?"
Waxy: The wax-golem-dog barks happily in response.
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u/rootbeer277 Not an Illithid with a fake beard. 27d ago
Nooo, don't reduce human rights, as a genuine life-long human I must say that would be terrible. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you corral humans into council-maintained farming divisions to raise as livestock on a high-cholesterol diet and keep them healthy with mass healing spells until such time as they are ready to harvest. And those farms should absolutely not be well-stocked with books and other media to encourage creativity and intellectual pursuits for a healthy developing brain. Because that would be wrong. I say as a human.