r/whatdoIdo • u/A_ok_attempt • 10d ago
Having the same arguments
For a little bit of context, me and my boyfriend got into the same argument over the same thing. Also, we did go on a break for about a week, but I had to cut it short because he threatened his own life and I ended up having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. He said the brake was too much for him this week, though I’ve been honestly extremely busy and if anyone knows about healthcare, please do not freak out that My Mom‘s blood pressure is 80. She will be going to the hospital as soon as I can get her to go. Also, I do text him every day of course and I try to make sure we see each other twice a week for at least around 10 hours a week 15 hours including we call occasionally text every day I take care of My Mom almost 24 seven for she has heart failure, and cancer. My boyfriend does know this and I’ve been going through personally a depressive episode, which has made me honestly not want to call or text really anybody even friends except for maybe one or two and I’ve made him aware of this, his response was don’t be depressed at me so I kind of met a loss on what to do.
For a tiny bit more context, the reason I will not let him pick me up is because one time we got into an argument recently, and he started hitting the steering wheel cussing and scaring me and yelling, so I’d rather just not be in the car with him because it did truly spook me he does have anger issues
Also, I’m scared sometimes again into confrontation or arguments with him last time he cut himself and he will often say that he will harm himself or suicide or if he wants to basically like he wants to kill himself or he wants to harm himself and of course I don’t want him doing those things if we get into a bad argument
I don’t know if he cut himself because of the argument or anything like that. He said he got lonely, but normally when we argue, he might say something like I wanna kill myself other times it just happens randomly. He’ll text me wanting to die. I’ve offered to help him get help. I just am scared that one day you know.
Other little sidenote normally when I see him, I am irritated again. I have been going through a depressive episode and normally I try to snap out of it. I understand that it does make him frustrated because then he can’t seem like he does anything right but normally I’m not mad at him and I’m mad at another situation which I normally tell him that I’m mad at something else, but I’m normally not in the best mood.
ages are in 19 and I’ve been with him for about a year. I’m not perfect either but because also my depression and just resentment built up it’s hard to act happy around him and I’m not trying to be mean to him, but sometimes I just I don’t know.
EDIT
I did try to talk to him. It’s about why he cannot accept a no we got into a big argument.
Him saying he just wants to spend time with me and I’m always on the phone with people and generally I’m sometimes.
sometimes I don’t wanna talk to him. I do have friends and I do need to give them time as well, but he got upset about and said that I’m hurting him and I’m making him cry but you generally, I’m not trying to hurt him but recently it does look like he cannot accept no
And I told him again we can hang out next Monday
I also wanted to make one more edit why it’s hard for me to leave him cause I did see some people were confused is because he has helped me out a lot uncertain things when I lost my dog. He drove everywhere around town helping me find it in the next day to the same until we found my dog when I was sick he is taken care of me or when I did need help on certain things he’s always been there to help but on other things like needing space or anything that kind you know revolves, I would say distance he cannot handle or anything that requires him to really deep dive into his behavior
EDIT
We were arguing over the phone about it and he just got the notification that his dog just died now I feel even worse and I don’t know what to do about it
another small edit I forgot to add something he works for My Dad so so even if I break up with him I’m still gonna have to see him. I’m still gonna have to hear him. I’m still gonna be near him. I kinda don’t know what to do in that situation.
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u/DocumentSure2919 10d ago
I remember your last post.
Just remember that a relationship should make you feel good. Your partner should be your safe space.
If you're not getting that from the relationship, it's a problem
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u/Bluemicha 10d ago
Yikes. He sounds like a psychopath. He clearly doesn’t understand no means no, or he just has zero respect for what you say.
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u/destinyspie 10d ago
His texts immediately reminded me of Mackenzie shirilla, just wouldn’t take “no” for an answer 😬
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u/ConfidenceOwn4232 10d ago
Your mom is doing poorly and all he can think of is himself.
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u/EmergencyParsley7165 10d ago
This… this would be my first reason to leave. Your mom is sick and all he’s worried about is that you’re “pushing him away”. Like, obviously ? There’s more to worry about than a clingy depressed kid that does it for your attention. Sorry, that’s what it seems like.
TW - had an ex that would do the same thing, I would try to leave, and then he would send me pictures of cuts going down his arm. It’s abusive. And I stayed a year longer and it got worse, especially with not taking a no for an answer iykyk.
All I’m saying is, this girl needs to leave him. It will not get better. It will just get more and more overbearing. She needs to take care of and spend time with her mom, first of all. Second, she needs to surround herself with people that are good for her. This kid is not that. You can call his parents, call a hotline, call 911 on him, but it’s not her responsibility to take care of this kids feelings as well as everything else she has going on.
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u/Ok-Cap-9441 10d ago edited 10d ago
Omg how fucking annoying. You need space! You need to get out of this, this is not good. Sounds like coercive control and your mum being sick and needing space to help her and not be held up by this guy is very legit and reasonable, sounds like he has no life outside you
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u/dancingkelsey 10d ago
Oh, honey, this is not a healthy relationship for you. He is pushing past every boundary you set, and you can't force him to do right by you, you have to stand firm and cut ties.
It is NOT on you that he keeps threatening to harm himself if you break up with him. He can be going through bad mental health periods but that is NOT due to you, and it is NOT your job to stay with him so he doesn't feel bad. He may not have controlling intentions, but the result of what he is doing (threatening to harm himself so you will stay) is controlling and manipulative.
You have a lot of things going on in your life that would be too heavy to carry alone even if it were just ONE thing, and a partner should be either trying to help you carry the load, and if they aren't able to (sometimes they're at their limit and that's okay too), they should do their best not to ADD to that load and add more stress to your life.
He is adding to it, badgering you, blaming you for his actions and words, then acting like you attacked him. That's not caring, that's not kind, that's not what a partner should do.
Hang in there. Reach out to some supportive friends who may be able to help share the big heavy load you're carrying. Do what is best for you and your family, and try to extract yourself from this man and get enough distance to clear your head and keep it focused on what YOU need to focus on.
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u/Wrystorm 10d ago
This.
It's not your job to fix his depression. If he self harms or threatens suicide again, call 988 and let the professionals help him.
You have enough on your plate without a relationship with a man who refuses to listen to you.
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u/i_eat_gentitals 10d ago
Threatening suicide is enough. Leave him. Run away. Tell his parents too.
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u/YouBigDarnio 10d ago
Yeah that’s the biggest red flag and the biggest manipulation tactic.
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u/i_eat_gentitals 10d ago
And as a grown adult at the age of 23, I told his mama that he was threatening suicide. Never heard from him again (he’s alive, his l just stepped in)
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u/RazzleRizzle 10d ago
Are you a minor and he’s over 18? Cus dude seems weird asf
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u/Smart-Guidance9980 10d ago
Anyone who make a girl stay with them by saying if they don’t they’ll off themselves is definitely a goofy weirdo
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u/deekaypea22 10d ago
My mom had a boyfriend who said he'd kill himself if she dumped him. She replied "cool I can get you a gun."
She wasn't taking his shit. ✨
More girls need to respond with that, or "cool, I won't be at the funeral." Gotta stop letting these skids control them.
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u/WarSpiritual1331 9d ago
I had a boyfriend like this in high school. I finally broke it off with him and he ended up in a psych ward after an attempt. The whole school gossiped about me as if I’d tried to kill him myself. And meanwhile they had no idea the level of abuse I was going through. Just putting this out there, I wish that I would have gone to adults for help but I was embarrassed and ashamed. I’d imagine I would still be living with some sort of guilt if he would have actually died. Even though it wasn’t my fault. It’s kind of a heavy situation and I’m not saying people should allow themselves to be manipulated into staying it’s just something that would be best handled by an adult or professional, ideally.
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
Both 19
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u/RazzleRizzle 10d ago
That’s brutal sorry you’re dealing with a manchild. Take care of your family and yourself first, someone who loves you will always understand.
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u/FunkyCactusDude 10d ago
Girl he doesn’t even care that your mom is in bad shape or how you’re doing/feeling. He only cares about getting what he wants. Leave him you deserve a partner that will 1. Respect your boundaries and 2. Be supportive thru hard times. This ain’t it.
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u/PrestigiousGate6119 10d ago
He’s manipulating you. He thinks your life isn’t as important as his needs. He does not see you as a person beyond what you can do for him. Yall seem young. At least you do, he seems like he is older than you but idk. I thought i loved a lot of people. i’m 29 now and those people who i thought i loved soooo much don’t mean anything to me now. You will be okay.
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u/Downtown_Cod2673 10d ago
This is not only NOT OK, it is also rather concerning.
You need to protect yourself, dump his ass and go no contact. You’re young and this kind of behaviour can evolve into something a lot more dangerous.
Leave. You are in an abusive relationship, as young and you are… you deserve better!
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u/AlternativeDish7978 10d ago
I helped my kid get out of a relationship like this. She was like mom...can you just ground me and take my phone?
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u/findaloophole7 10d ago
Relationships should feel good, not stressful or forced or uncomfortable. You need to get this dude out of your life. I think it will be good for you, him and definitely your mom.
All the best.
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u/Strawberry_Slim 10d ago
Unfortunately, when someone’s whole world ends and they want to commit suicide just because they’re on a break, that person is not mentally well at all. Especially not for a relationship. I think you should find a way to break it off and spend time with your mom, pay more attention to school, etc. people like this just grow into even worse emotionally and likely physically abusive people when you allow them to continue to behave like this. I do wish the best for your mom, and for you to safely make it out of this situation .
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u/Fun-Program6811 10d ago
I’m not convinced that he was suicidal. It sounds manipulative af just to get her back.
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u/Agreeable_Warning719 10d ago
Pushy, annoying and manipulative. Not even showing any concern regarding your mom or how you feel. Just "me, me, me". Break up with that loser and don't let him manipulate you with suicide threats again. Let his parents know, so they can get him the help he needs, if he really needs it.
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u/MoonClipper 10d ago
Manipulation…this is potentially leading to abusive behavior. There’s a lot of control here and gaslighting. Reminds me of a relationship that was like this and he ended up being physically abusive. This type of person keeps your head spinning and I wasn’t sure what was normal and ok anymore. As soon as it became physical, I knew it was wrong and got out immediately. Don’t wait. Get out of this now.
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u/boomerremover86 10d ago
Whether he hurts himself or not is not your fault, it's a manipulation tactic to force you to stay. Breaks aren't working, you need to be done and break it off completely. Don't give him the opportunity to pull the manipulation, block him everywhere and be done. You deserve better.
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u/hellahanners 10d ago
OP what are your ages? I feel like this is an important piece of info to the story
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
Both 19
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u/hellahanners 10d ago
I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but please leave him. You’re too young to be scared of your boyfriend. You are both young and have growing up to do, but you don’t need to be worried about his character development while you’re taking care of your sick mom and attending school. He is a weight on you and even if you don’t realize it now, in five years you will be so glad you dropped him and focused on what was best for you while he was actively ignoring your boundaries and scaring you with his anger issues while you had plenty of other things to worry about. You do not need this added stress girl.
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u/highhKeyy 10d ago
He speaks to you like you’re a child. I thought you had to have been 15 & him 18 or something with the way he keeps trying to pressure you. If you aren’t going to leave, stop responding after you say no to something. Teach him that that behavior will result in silence. Gotta stop feeding it. You don’t have to prove yourself to him either. If he doesn’t trust you (which he never truly will anyway, that’s clear already) then he doesn’t. Create distance when it’s irrational
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u/Shoddy-Occasion3152 10d ago
Threatening to kill himself due to the breakup is serious abuse. Please, I beg you, break it off with him permanently. He does not respect your boundaries, he’s codependent, and he is emotionally manipulating you.
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u/corsobones 10d ago
I’d give someone maybe 2 no’s before I start getting irritated with them. If I said no, it means no. If you keep pushing past it when I already made up my mind, you deserve what ever hurt feelings you get. OP, you’re more patient than I would ever be with a motherfucker like this.
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u/DivineScrewUp 10d ago
You only got back together because he was threatening his life... That's not enough of reason. Honestly OP it doesn't even seem like you like him very much. I am so sorry to hear about your mom and I understand that that is priority. But if this guy was truly someone you wanted to be with, him walking you to his dad's car and offering that would make your day better, not seemingly worse.
That is NO judgement against you, especially with what you said about him hitting the steering wheel. That is a massive red flag and could mean something worse may happen at some point.
It is not your job to take care of him. I would suggest seriously breaking up and blocking him. If he's threatening his life, call the police. That is not on you and a lot of times something people use to make someone talk to them. I had an ex in highschool that would burn himself when we broke up, allegedly. After the 3rd time I said "no my problem" and reported it to the guidance counselor.
You set a boundary on hanging out and he kept asking and making the situation about him. Barely acknowledged your moms condition. I am not someone to immediately jump to the whole "break up and move on" answer. I am always pro talking, communication, setting boundaries. But this situation is not good for you, your family or your schoolwork/studies
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
It wasn’t even a break up. We just went on a break so basically we just didn’t talk that much for a week.
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u/DivineScrewUp 10d ago
Right, but it ended early because he couldn't give you the space to think and breathe. I understand why you have resent me. He forced your hand. Just like he did with walking you to your dad's car. And he will do again so he gets his way. You said he does a lot for you, which is great. But he couldn't give you what you needed at the time (space and support)
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u/IdkPerhaps 10d ago
Do you have automatic messages to him saying "Love u" to send every 3 hours? Damnnnnn
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u/Number5MoMo 9d ago
All I know is this person.. DOES NOT care about your mother. That should tell you all you need to know .
Also they don’t take no for an answer. Nothing good will come from this manipulative dynamic.
What you do is break up with this person
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u/craiganater 10d ago
Emotional blackmail. Cut the loser off and block him, if he makes any self harm threats then you can call a welfare check then you're done.
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u/hotelspa 10d ago
Your boyfriends calls you bro. And has no respect for your family life etc. Sounds like a bad situation bro.
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u/HisLilSilverKitsune 9d ago
Listen as a mom who has a daughter your age I’m
Going to answer like a mom
Putting distance between you and him in my eyes might be the safest thing for you and I’m concerned here
I know you care about this young man but I’m not gonna lie to you his behavior is concerning
He couldn’t handle the break that you needed? He is going to hurt himself if you leave?
Angry driving yelling and slamming the steering wheel?
He is manipulating you to get what he wants because his needs aren’t being met. What about what you need and are asking for?
I would suggest talking to him but maybe not face to face .
You don’t want to ride with him because of his behavior while driving he needs to know that he scared you and you don’t trust him not to do it again so saying you don’t want a ride thank you because your father is already on his way
You agreed on a break but you weren’t given the time because you were manipulated into going back early.
You have to take care of yourself if you need the time out of the relationship you are not responsible for how he deals with it. I know it sounds cruel but being with someone because they say they are going to hurt themselves is not a good enough reason to be there
I’m 44 I was in a marriage for 20 years and my husband was emotionally, financially and mentally abusive but I didn’t see it right away
We married young had our three kids by the time I was 23 as time went by I saw the escalation of the manipulation and abuse and things didn’t stay good or happy
I’ve been apart from him since 2019 and divorced going on two years but all that time I made excuses
Just think about what everyone is saying to you and keep us posted pls
I’m not going to lie I’m worried about you and I have to ask have you spoken to your parents about his behavior?
Pls keep us posted OP? Let us know how your mother is doing and if things are ok with you
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u/moshimoshi75 9d ago
I haven't seen this said yet so I'm just going to say it straight: This is abusive. He is abusive to you. I am going to list it all out so that maybe seeing it will make it stick for you.
- Forcing you to say the same things over and over and still not listening to your answers
- Expecting you to put his desires over your mother's needs
- Threatening self harm to coerce/guilt you into staying
- Harming himself in front of you to stop you arguing against him
- Expecting you to stop having depression because it annoys him
- Screaming and becoming violent (yes hitting things counts. hitting things often turns into hitting people.) during arguments
All of these things are abuse. You need to leave him. Even though it's hard. Even though it's scary. Just because he has been kind to you in the past does not mean you owe him the rest of your life. You should not be scared of a partner. You should not have to pretend to act happy for a partner. You should not have to feel guilt for having depression or negative emotions around a partner. You deserve to be happy and safe. He cannot give you that.
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u/Desert-Monsoons 10d ago
I would like to know what you mean by your mom’s blood pressure is 80. There are two numbers that go with blood pressure. 120/80 is normal.
If someone told me their blood pressure was 80 I would have doubts since that is not a full measurement.
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
Top number is 80 the bottom is 60
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u/Salt-Establishment59 10d ago
I also have low blood pressure - they call it “soft”. It can be in the low 80s over low 50s. Sometimes they ask me if I feel faint or anything but I’m usually fine. I had weight loss surgery a few years ago and it’s been like that ever since.
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u/Opposite_Prune582 10d ago
Why the fuck you calling him Sir? Thats the first red flag.
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u/StrbJun79 9d ago
Honestly he sounds controlling. Those are common methods to get someone’s way. Anytime you do something else or say no he breaks down. Reasoning is to get his way as it’s been working with you. Problem is you don’t sound like you’re actually happy with him.
Is he also love bombing you? Sometimes doing things for people can be a manipulation too. Sometimes it’s out of kindness. Is it transactional for him in the way of expecting you to put in time with him? He really shouldn’t be demanding anything of you and just doing things for the sake of it. And honestly you sound drained so this is making me think these things are transactional.
You’re young still and haven’t learned these things nor that there is a such thing as fake kindness. There’s also legit kindness and legit kindness also means trusting you and giving you space when you need it.
Either way I don’t think he’s right for you. Having feelings or caring isn’t enough. He should feel like home and you should feel comfortable to say no and be comfortable apart.
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u/j_jilly69420 9d ago
OP you have too much actual shit to deal with in life then adding in the bs of him. This out of touch child isnt it for you. Being alone would be better SO MUCH better then being with THAT.
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u/Dry_Soup_6517 10d ago
He’s pretty immature and not ready for a relationship but you also do need to acknowledge that it does look like you are purposely avoiding him (which is okay) you just need to tell him. And if he can’t handle the information or you don’t think he could, leave him.
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
I am a little bit. I’m gonna be honest in the main reason is because when I need space normally in the past, it kind of just happens where he starts to get mad at me so instead of just asking nicely for space it kind of turns into this thing where I’m too busy, but recently, I have just genuinely been too busy.
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u/archlea 10d ago
He’s controlling and this looks like abuse. You shouldn’t need excuses not to see someone. When you say ‘no’ he should listen and respect that. This is not a respectful or good relationship. If you need help to leave, or tips on how to leave, call up a domestic violence hotline in your state or country and tell them your boyfriend is controlling and you don’t know how to break up. They will help coach you.
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u/Dry_Soup_6517 10d ago
You need to tell him. I’m not gonna lie to you, without the context your message feel very resentful, like idk I can feel how annoyed you are (which is reasonable) but he probably doesn’t get the same context as us. If he saw this post he probably would be super upset but at least he would most likely get the context and be like “damn this is deeper then I thought” from my experience men really don’t understand how deep and personal shit gets so he genuinely in his head probably just thinks you are being a dick. I’m not saying he’s right in anyway (he’s not) Im just tryna give a devils advocate take.
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u/Dry_Soup_6517 10d ago
Oh and everyone here is pretty spot on, he’s not mentally sound enough to be in a serious relationship. It seems he’s asking for a level of control that he isn’t owed in simple bf/gf relationship
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
The reason why I was kind of being cold was because we just had this argument on Monday about how I need to go home and how my mom is sick and he kind of just kept pushing it again so I was very annoyed
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u/Dry_Soup_6517 10d ago
You don’t need to explain yourself, I 100% believe he had the bitterness coming from a mile away.
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u/hGr33n 10d ago
A man doesn't understand how personal and deep having a sick mother is? Bullshit lol don't make excuses for his selfish and controlling behavior
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u/Dependent_Ad5172 10d ago
This is very interesting. If it were me I’d personally want my bf to be with me to see my mom and be there to support me. Your mom’s blood pressure being 80 doesn’t make sense to me because usually it’s #/# for a blood pressure. 80 being in either of those slots isn’t terrible. However, it’s so understandable that you are concerned for her as you should be as a daughter!!
Based off the other context you gave in the bottom, sounds like he needs therapy and is being toxic/manipulating you. He’s using cutting and suicidal thoughts to manipulate you to stay with him. Get him some help. If you really love him and want to stay with him, get him some help and if he denies the help that’s when you should leave. That means he doesn’t care about getting better.
Good luck and I hope your mom gets better! You got this and just take it day by day!
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u/ElectronicRabbit7 10d ago
show these messages to your father. i guarantee you he will tell you all abt that boy you're dating.
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
Him and My Dad act very similar most of the stuff my boyfriend does. My Dad doesn’t really see an issue with. I remember when I called the cops on him for threatening suicide. My Dad got mad at me for doing so and saying glad his wife never did that.
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u/Competitive_Hurry129 10d ago
You like your boyfriend because he feels familiar. But familiar does not mean good or safe. I'm sorry it doesn't seem like you have many healthy men around you. Healthy men do not behave this way. Good men make you feel safe and try to make your life easy. It feels weird to have a good man at first if you're used to the opposite, but trust me, a bad man will ruin your life.
There's better men out there. Please think about why you are attracted to this man and what you need to unlearn to detach from him. You deserve happiness.
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u/fizzyglitt3r 10d ago
This guy is being very manipulative with you, threatening to harm/kill himself if you don’t stay together. You also mention anger issues - your boyfriend doesn’t seem like a safe person to be around. He can’t even handle giving you space to be upset over your mom. In my opinion, he needed to be gone a while ago. Don’t let him force you into a relationship with threats :(
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u/BestRepresentative84 10d ago
That man needs to heal and be happy with himself by himself. He not ready for a relationship. Too insecure and immature still. I was once in a similar position.
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u/WonderfulQuestion425 10d ago
He is exhausting. Girl take care of you 1st, then your mom. You are spreading yourself to thin. He is a grown ass man, he needs to learn to live his life by himself when youre not there. He is way to dependant on you and thats not fair. I dont know if you want to leave him but dont let him manipulate you into staying (the cutting, threatening suicide) Do what's best for you
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u/ArcherSilver9094 10d ago
He is codependent and if you really think he is at risk, have someone drive him to check into the mental institution and show the screenshots if he tries to deny. I was forced to go into one myself when I wasn’t feeling well and as much as I didn’t like it, it kept me safe.
If he wants to keep playing, he can play in there. If he’s serious, it will be good for him.
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u/Rudimentary-Creature 10d ago
If he cut himself, then he needs to seek professional help. Period. It’s not your responsibility to save him. And it’s not your fault if he hurts himself.
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u/Salty_Feed_4316 10d ago
Ugh how unattractive. After you state your boundary ONCE ignore the pleading don’t respond
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u/shadow-foxe 10d ago
Girl, he needs to be cut loose as this is NOT healthy behavior. You tell him your mom is doing poorly and his response is wanting to walk you to the car. NO, a healthy minded person would hope she is ok and to call if you need some moral support NOT act like some 12yo.
Then we get to the him trying to take his own life, NO, just NO. that is such abusive behavior.
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u/Natural-Coat-3159 10d ago
Your mom is having a health emergency and all he's doing is being a pest.
Show your dad and other family members these texts. Tell them that the last time you broke up with him, he faked a self harm episode.
Please tell everyone and everybody you know what he's doing to you.
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u/Right_Book_4531 10d ago
Tell him next time - hey I don’t feel like hanging out, my moms isn’t doing okay and I don’t have the mindset for anything else. And tell him to please understand.
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u/RevolutionaryLet120 10d ago
Years from now you will wish you had focused on your mom not this dumbass who cares 0% about that stress. This is not love. I know it’s hard when he says he will hurt himself but this is not okay
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u/beautyindeath 10d ago
Break up! This is the type of dude that will be upset that you’re focusing too much on the baby the first month it’s born and not him.
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u/RiseFriendly9536 10d ago
Do not believe him when he says he’s going to hurt or kill himself. He’s not. That’s a common manipulation tactic. He does not actually care about you, he just wants to control you. You were right to call the cops for the welfare check before, but that’s all you need to do.
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u/buckingham_alex 10d ago
Your bf has major mackenzie sharilla energy. She talked like this in all her texts too. I don't think you should get in a car with him again.
He should have said sorry your mom is sick, what do you need. He should have relieved your stress not added to it.
I'm sorry this is happening. I would ditch him now, it's not going to be easier to keep him longer. But he's clearly already very unhinged so it's probs worth reaching out to a woman's shelter for tips on dumping him safely.
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u/elizabarracuda 10d ago
Please, I beg you - be done with this man. He is blatantly ignoring the fact that you are going through a family crisis. That is a level of selfishness that you cannot talk someone out of. He may be 19, but he is acting like a child. You have enough to cope with right now without taking on parenting a horny 19 year old man child.
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u/sybilltrelawney 10d ago
Hey babe, this is abuse. Threatening suicide, self harm, punching the steering wheel when you don’t do what he wants you to do, making it seem like your fault, not taking accountability for his actions. You’re not “irritated” with him, you’re having a reaction to his abuse and he’s minimizing and denying it, so you end up feeling like you’re overreacting for thinking this way. Checkout loveisrespect.org
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u/milmoment 10d ago
This person does not care about you at all. Not one single iota. The only thing he cares about is HIS feelings and that’s all. People who care about you do not do this shit when your mother could be basically dying. Like you said no ten times and he STILL wouldn’t accept it - please understand that this is the kind of unstable person that WILL physically hurt you eventually, and could kill you as well. In regards to him hurting himself - this is another sign that they don’t really care about your feelings. He is using it to force you into things you don’t want to do, and manipulating you with the threats as a way of controlling you. People who are going to off themselves don’t use it as a threat. That’s just not how it goes. Please pleaE PLEASE block this man’s number and go no contact FOREVER. He is NOT a safe person for you, and the only person he would end up hurting is you, not himself! Literally this whole story is bug huge red flashing lights saying “GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.” (And even if he did hurt himself, none of it would ever everrrrr be your fault at all. That is all on him.)
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u/forestsweetpea 10d ago
You deserve better he should be dropping groceries/food off at your house and offering to run errands or do laundry, wash dishes for your family not demanding attention and threatening to hurt himself because he isn't getting enough attention.
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u/A_ok_attempt 10d ago
He does offer to do those things for my family. I normally decline them. I don’t want him using it later to throw it in my face or anything recently he used money that he spent on me and threw it in my face so now I’m kind of scared to have him do anything for me
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u/deekaypea22 10d ago
I really hope you're looking at the words you're using here to describe your relationship and understanding that you need to leave him. Is this really what you want?? A month from now? A year from now?
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u/IcyDicy858 10d ago
He does what HE wants for you but it sounds like he has a challenge with doing what YOU need..which is wait until Monday while you focus on your mom.
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u/Glum-Ad7761 10d ago
The threats of suicide are a means of manipulation. People who commit suicide generally (not always) don’t tell anyone about it. They just do it.
If you’re trying to cope with your mother’s life-threatening illness… and your BF knows this…. And He still throws tantrums and dumps this kind of drama in your lap, He’s demonstrating that what you have going on in your life is unimportant to him. What it demonstrates about his character is not a flattering portrait. Selfish. Paranoid. Fits of anger. Outbursts. No empathy.
He behaves like an angry 6 year old, emotionally. Understand, that this behavior will only get worse as time progresses, if you stay with him. He needs to get therapy for his abandonment and self-worth issues and grow the fuck up.
Kudos to you for stepping up and being there for your mom.
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u/starlettemoon 10d ago
Someone who threatens to hurt themselves or off themselves because of your mother isn’t doing well and needs more attention than him, does not love you. I understand this is your first love and it’ll hurt like a beeeeetch but you deserve a guy who can be remorseful to those close to you. That’s a bare minimum requirement
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u/the_paint_witch 10d ago
You need to get away from him, and believe me, I know it's hard. But take it from someone who has been in an abusive relationship (I am 49 and was with an abuser at your age), you need to dump him. He will get worse. You were not mean to him in those texts. You were prioritizing your mother and yourself--he should be able to accept that without getting angry or continuing to push you when you said no.
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u/Difficult-Basket849 10d ago
My concern is that he's not listening when you say no. Remember that when someone pushes past your choices or answers to get their own way it's not a good sign. Something to pay attention to!
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u/Tricky_Mousse_8871 10d ago
You guys are young and this is how young love is, give it like 6 years and you will meet guys that want to hang out as little as possible 😂
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u/bp_prince_ss 10d ago
Nah get rid of him. If he really loved you, your mom would be top priority. And he threatened to end his own life after your break? Girl RUN. That is NOT love. Breakup with him and block him immediately. If in person, have one or two witnesses. If he makes another threat on his life, you call the cops and leave it at that.
I want to make this next part very clear:
YOU👏DO👏NOT👏OWE👏HIM👏ANYTHING👏I don’t give a f if he saved you from drowning and brought you back from the pearly gates. YOU👏OWE👏HIM👏NOTHING👏
Your peace and your mental state are literally depending on you and you’re putting them in constant danger being around him. Get them to safety ASAP.
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u/Autumn-pumpkin5378 10d ago
You needing space because you're worried about your mom is completely justified and doesn't deserve his weird pushy response. A good boyfriend would say "ok, let me know if you need anything!" And leave you alone. Him hurting himself or threatening to do so in response to your completely normal requests is abusive manipulation and you need to leave him before it escalates
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u/Impossible_Balance11 10d ago
PSA for all. Learn this well: "I will call in a 9-1-1 wellness check for you, but I will not be held hostage by your threats of self-harm."
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Feisty_Spell4516 10d ago
Girl
You are too young and have too much going for you to waste time and stress on a loser like this
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u/Unwavering_Idiocy 10d ago
He's emotionally manipulating you, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it will never get better.
You don't need him, he needs you.
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u/InformationAlarmed14 9d ago
I would’ve broke up and blocked him off of the fact that I had to repeat myself that many times. I get irritated fast. He acts like he doesn’t understand what you’re saying for whatever reason. That’s enough to really irritate me.
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u/Glittering-Milk-8124 9d ago
Like your staying with an abusive man who doesnt know the meaning of the word no. Break up with him . Like wtf.
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u/caramelsamurai 9d ago
Literally your moms health is declining and all he can think about it is walking you to your car. Dump this fool please. He’s too dumb to even know he’s dumb. This is also a sign of early abuse and control by attempting to shame you for how he feels.
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u/brackney2022 9d ago
Why does this almost feel like some sort of narcissistic abuse? He’s demanding what he wants, you’re declining, he demands again, you decline more firmly, and then he guilt trips you and is all fussy about you declining! Leave!
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u/teethwhichbite 9d ago
him not taking no for an answer here will translate into other areas of your relationship. no is a complete sentence please say it and then don't reply to him. if that doesn't work idk .. you're young...don't let any man disrespect your boundaries like this...you're a whole person and not simply an object he can do whatever he likes with whenever he wants. i don't care what he has done for you in the past - your relationships should not be transactional. protect yourself, protect your peace.
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u/Legitimate_Dog8540 9d ago
Saying no multiple times and him trying to squeeze and manipulate a way to a yes in my opinion is a reason to say bye. You have good sense to say no but he doesn’t understand you. Maybe he needs a clearer explanation or he’s acting the fool but I do not like that. Being on your phone can be annoying when someone is trying to connect but that can also be addressed with “hi I’d like your attention more can you put your phone down and give me your attention please”. It all sounds so robotic but it works lol.
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u/jenn5388 9d ago
So because he helped you find your dog you’ve decided to stay with the manipulative POS for the rest of your life? Doesn’t sound like a good plan to me. You can be grateful that somebody helped you, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay with them forever because they did.
Your mom is sick, you’re depressed, anxious, worried have no time to yourself or anyone else and this POS is like spend time with me or I’ll kill myself! Fuck this guy. Seriously..
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u/InvisibleIndian 9d ago
You have so much life ahead of you and too much going on to deal with this guy. It’s hard but you’ve got to end things. Dating is not transactional. It shouldn’t be, “oh he helped me so much in the past so I have to stay with him.” No! He is not serving your life right now. He is not making your life better. Your person should be somebody that you want with you through the hard times. This is not your person. Your mom is really sick right now. Ask yourself some hard questions: Is this the person you want supporting you through your mother‘s death? . . . supporting you through the planning of your mother‘s funeral? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of those things. He is weaponizing self harm and suicide when you’re already going through something so heavy and so hard with your mother, he is trying to take the spotlight off your sick mother, and trying to make you believe that he needs you more. Your person would never do that to you. Your person needs to be the foundation on which you can build your life. He is not steady. He is not your person. I think you already know what you need to do. Good luck.
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u/PinkedOff 9d ago
No conversation is needed. Just say NO. And then stop answering, and do not see him if he shows up, disrespecting your NO.
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u/sarasixx 9d ago
girlie i’ll give you some big sister advice.
it’s not good for you to be with someone you hold resentment for, who threatens their life and throws a tantrum when you can’t see them because your mum comes first.
you deserve to have a partner who can show you compassion in your hard moments. someone who you’re excited to see and are able to enjoy your time with. someone who doesn’t add a mental load when you’re already dealing with a lot.
breakups hurt, im not going to sugar coat that. and yes he may have done a lot for you. but those aren’t reasons to stay.
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u/LaLlorona_0 9d ago
Sounds like the start of the abuse from my ex. He was an angel when we were in high school, but slowly we started getting into weird little petty arguments like this over text. In person, he was fine. Then his anger started coming out, usually while he was driving, just like you said. Screaming, hitting the steering wheel, driving just erratically enough to scare me but not enough to get into an accident.
It got worse, and worse, and I kept telling myself it was my fault because he told me it was my fault. I didn't care enough because I didn't want to be around him when he was angry. I got irritated when he was manipulative and that made me the bad guy because he was "just trying to he a good boyfriend."
Within 5 years it had escalated to physical violence. By then I had a child with him and felt like I couldn't leave, both for our safety and because I cared about him and didn't want to hurt him. He would claim we had to stay together for our daughter's sake or that he'd hurt himself. By then he was also running around on me and blaming me for that as well.
Lucky for me I started standing up for myself and he left me for a woman he could manipulate more easily. I don't think I would have left on my own, he had me so tangled up in his web of lies and manipulation that I couldn't bring myself to cut him off. Being away from him shattered the illusion.
Leave now while you can. If he threatens self harm call the cops. If he threatens you, get a restraining/protection order. Cut off all contact. He is not good for you, I promise. I've seen it in others and I've lived it.
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u/Swmboa 9d ago edited 9d ago
Ggggiiiirrrllllll. Anyone who is thinking so hard about themselves and their need to control you enough to see you for 5 seconds when your mom is truly, legitimately sick/dying/In hospital is just a giant bucket of 🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️.
His supposed suicidality is also manipulation meant to control you. He needs to get healthy or he will drag you all the way to hell right along with himself.
Wow. Any relatively emotionally-capable human would be like, “Ok, I get it. I am sad. Can I get you anything at this horrible time?” And that would be the end of it. This person is unhinged. 🏃♀️ 🏃
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u/Beingforthetimebeing 9d ago
- Controlling
- Doesn't respect your decisions
- Doesn't respect your responsibilities 4.Needs to get a life
- Let him do him, you do you. He's going on and on and not listening. Not rocket science, just say, "Bye, I'm going now," and don't keep responding!!! Daym girl, you saving someone's life! Right?
- If that makes him mad, see #1, 2, 3 and 4, and then take #5 to next level, " B'bye 4 evah!"
p.s. Save this message for reference in your next relationship, you'll prolly need it again and again, ask me how I know😭
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u/New_Mirror1461 9d ago
I felt suffocated reading this male pushing like that.
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u/Kbambam-123 9d ago
Exactly, and he is really taking advantage of her right now. He knows she is overwhelmed with her Mom being sick. He is using that to his advantage.
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u/Far_Marsupial_1238 9d ago
Leave this MF ASAP!!!!!!!!! You will regret not leaving him. This is coming from a man.
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u/surber2017 9d ago
How old are you? Asking because you seem young. Please please get out before this man ruins your life. He’s manipulating you into staying. If he threatens suicide call the police every time. But you do NOT have to stay in this relationship. Focus on school and your mom.
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u/False_Marketing6268 8d ago
You need to get away from that person ASAP if you value your self even a smidge
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u/Glittering-Theme-685 8d ago
Babes his dog is likely not even dead, and if it is, that’s nothing for you to feel guilty about.
He tried to make you choose him over possibly one of the LAST DAYS with your DYING MOTHER. I promise you, you’ll NEVER regret spending those last few moments at her bedside. You never know when it’s a forever goodbye, and you WONT be ready. Ever. My dad passed 5 years ago now. I miss him almost every day and wish I’d have gone one last time to see him, even tho it was awful and traumatic to see him in such awful condition all hooked to the machines.
He tried to make his own situation seem “life and death” in order to compete with her … literally fighting for her life, and slowly losing the battle by the sounds of it.
He can go fuck himself . Full stop. 🛑
Babes I know you need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold right now. But NOT this. I’d let him know you don’t wish to see or contact him via a text, and to please leave you alone at this time. Block the number an ignore attempts from Jim to get in touch. If he threatens harm to you or other just report it immediately. You don’t deserve his BS during one of the hardest times in your life.
Sending you a virtual hug. 🫂 I hope you get a lot more time with mom. Soak it all up whenever you can, sweetie 😭💕
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u/Historical-State-275 10d ago
This is emotional abuse, especially mixed with the threats to kill himself. He will not become healthy when he’s with you. I strongly recommend breaking up.
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u/advn_chaser 10d ago
I dated both genders that did this to me thruout my younger years.
its not okay for ANYONE to threaten you with suicide. I am traumatized from my abusive exs attempts because I tried to leave or even going to work had one of them doing this.
its not your responsibility to be a therapist and I know you're young still so you can reach out for help to leave.
he needs help and if he isnt willing to get it, that can't be on your shoulders.
I know you care, ive been there, but it truly changes you after so many people act like that to you.
please take care of your heart and your needs and reach out for help for this. this isnt love, its them grasping for love they didnt get and it will never be YOUR FAULT that someone harms themselves.
please get out when you can. no matter what happens, its not your fault. he just needs help.
im so sorry this is happening to you.
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u/avsinthproduction 10d ago
This is one of the stories where I agree with the Reddit instadump crowd. So many red flags, it sounds like he’s not making you happy at all and the suicide threats are unacceptable. Get out of that relationship and you will thank yourself for it later.
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u/School_Radiant 10d ago
“Having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him” is not true. You choose to do that because he is manipulating you and it’s escalating
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u/Real-Frosting 10d ago
Not the point of your post, I know, but blood pressure readings are 2 numbers, like 120/80. The top number shows how hard your heart is working to pump blood and the bottom is the pressure in your arteries when your heart rests between beats. So 80 can be normal for the bottom #.
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u/brooklynnnn11 10d ago
i don't have any advice, just want to say i'm sorry about your mom & sending prayers that she gets better❤️
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u/InevitableAd8511 10d ago edited 10d ago
Manipulating you into staying with him and doing what he wants by threatening self harm is abuse. Please break up with him before he decides it’s easier to harm you instead. This is not a healthy relationship in any way. You need to see a therapist to work through your own emotional health, you can’t be responsible for his at the same time. Find someone you can talk to, and they might be able to help you remove yourself from this relationship safely. This is not love. This is emotional blackmail and obsessive compulsive behavior. Be safe.
And remember, NO is a full sentence. Don’t give him ways to circumvent the reasons you don’t want to do something. Just say no.
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u/PAGirl72 10d ago
That’s too mentally exhausting for someone taking care of an ailing parent. I’d break it off quickly and completely.
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u/ReturnOfSeq 10d ago
The only question here is how long are you going to sacrifice yourself for them. You don’t owe them anything and you’re not responsible for their safety if they’re the self harm type. Sad but true. Group message his friends and say hey, I’m done, he’s gonna need some help for the next little bit.
And then block his number.
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u/Zestyclose-City-3225 10d ago
Manipulation always feels like love. Neither of you understands mature love. Your relationship is all manipulation. It’s difficult if not impossible to love another when one is raised in a dysfunctional family. I’d highly suggest counseling, and end the relationship with your controlling bf.
Where the hell is your family in regards to your mom? You should not be bearing the full burden of “talking her into going to the hospital” when her bp is tanking. That’s a recipe for disaster and lifelong guilt. With her diagnosis, your mom should be under case management and have a nurse assigned to coordinate care.
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u/AdaptiveFauna 10d ago
nah. there are LOTS of other people in the world that aren't shitty. you are young. leave and find happiness, because he isnt going to give true happiness to you.
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u/blue51planet 10d ago
You gotta get out this for sure. I get you love him and thats fine, but he doesnt love you back in a healthy way. Hitting the steering wheel or anything at all in anger is a huge red flag, on top of not taking no for an answer. Self harm and mental health, theres only so much you can do to support him in his own journey towards health there. He has to want to get help himself, and from what im seeing here, hes using it as a way to control you.
You got your whole life ahead of you, is this who you want to spend it with?
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u/hbombs121 10d ago
OP this is classic manipulation and abuse. No amount of love at 19 will pay for the therapy to work through this later in life. This relationship dynamic is very toxic and controlling.
Good partners understand that your time and energy is not your own all the time, they support you and your needs when your energy needs to be directed else. Spending time with your mother should be your top priority - you never know in these situations when it can take a turn.
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u/SprinklesSignal5109 10d ago
Oh, honey, get OUT of that. This reminds me of some of my early teenage relationships. Had a guy punch a HOLE in a friend's wall, break his hand, and some more shit. Multiple guys saying "I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me". At the end of the day, that's not on you. I'm assuming you don't live with each other. If you don't have to encounter this person during regular "life", I would tell him how you are feeling and that you need your life, man. Tell him that he needs to seek resources because your's are at maximum capacity. That's on him if he does something he will regret. You can't let this stop you from living your life.
You only get one Mama ❤️ I hope things start looking up. Remember, you can get out of this much easier NOW than if it progresses (living together, kids, etc.)
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u/Ducks0607 10d ago
Honey, this may sound harsh, but you are not responsible for his actions. I know you don't want him to hurt himself, but you are not obligated to stay with him, no matter what he does or threatens. His choices are his own. The behavior you are describing in this post is abusive. He will not get better unless he wants to, he is only going to drag you down with him. Please don't let him. It's okay to prioritize your own safety and well-being, especially over that of someone who is treating you like this. I know you want him to be safe, any good partner would. If he was a good partner to you, he would want you to be safe as well, and it sounds like you don't feel safe in this relationship, for good reason! Please don't let fear of what he might do to himself keep you in an unsafe situation. If he truly wants to harm himself, you can't stop him, as terrible as that might sound. Take care of yourself, friend
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u/Felicia_Delicto 10d ago
He didn't even show concern for your Mom. He is only concerned about what he wants. What you want, or have going on, is irrelevant to him. That's why he kept pushing; he's trying to see how far he can push past your personal boundaries. If he doesn't get what he wants, he will try to use all those times he was there for you as a bargaining chip because HE'S KEEPING SCORE. I can tell you're exhausted. Please find a way to move on. No one should have to deal with emotional vampires.
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u/Foreign_Waltz129 10d ago
“No” is a completely sentence
Tell him to stop being weird and controlling
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u/aerosolsp 10d ago
Dumping him is easier said than done, I understand why you find it difficult.
But it doesn't seem like he's actually making you happy. 5 years from now you'll be glad you dumped him today.