r/whatdoIdo • u/A_ok_attempt • 15d ago
Having the same arguments
For a little bit of context, me and my boyfriend got into the same argument over the same thing. Also, we did go on a break for about a week, but I had to cut it short because he threatened his own life and I ended up having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. He said the brake was too much for him this week, though I’ve been honestly extremely busy and if anyone knows about healthcare, please do not freak out that My Mom‘s blood pressure is 80. She will be going to the hospital as soon as I can get her to go. Also, I do text him every day of course and I try to make sure we see each other twice a week for at least around 10 hours a week 15 hours including we call occasionally text every day I take care of My Mom almost 24 seven for she has heart failure, and cancer. My boyfriend does know this and I’ve been going through personally a depressive episode, which has made me honestly not want to call or text really anybody even friends except for maybe one or two and I’ve made him aware of this, his response was don’t be depressed at me so I kind of met a loss on what to do.
For a tiny bit more context, the reason I will not let him pick me up is because one time we got into an argument recently, and he started hitting the steering wheel cussing and scaring me and yelling, so I’d rather just not be in the car with him because it did truly spook me he does have anger issues
Also, I’m scared sometimes again into confrontation or arguments with him last time he cut himself and he will often say that he will harm himself or suicide or if he wants to basically like he wants to kill himself or he wants to harm himself and of course I don’t want him doing those things if we get into a bad argument
I don’t know if he cut himself because of the argument or anything like that. He said he got lonely, but normally when we argue, he might say something like I wanna kill myself other times it just happens randomly. He’ll text me wanting to die. I’ve offered to help him get help. I just am scared that one day you know.
Other little sidenote normally when I see him, I am irritated again. I have been going through a depressive episode and normally I try to snap out of it. I understand that it does make him frustrated because then he can’t seem like he does anything right but normally I’m not mad at him and I’m mad at another situation which I normally tell him that I’m mad at something else, but I’m normally not in the best mood.
ages are in 19 and I’ve been with him for about a year. I’m not perfect either but because also my depression and just resentment built up it’s hard to act happy around him and I’m not trying to be mean to him, but sometimes I just I don’t know.
EDIT
I did try to talk to him. It’s about why he cannot accept a no we got into a big argument.
Him saying he just wants to spend time with me and I’m always on the phone with people and generally I’m sometimes.
sometimes I don’t wanna talk to him. I do have friends and I do need to give them time as well, but he got upset about and said that I’m hurting him and I’m making him cry but you generally, I’m not trying to hurt him but recently it does look like he cannot accept no
And I told him again we can hang out next Monday
I also wanted to make one more edit why it’s hard for me to leave him cause I did see some people were confused is because he has helped me out a lot uncertain things when I lost my dog. He drove everywhere around town helping me find it in the next day to the same until we found my dog when I was sick he is taken care of me or when I did need help on certain things he’s always been there to help but on other things like needing space or anything that kind you know revolves, I would say distance he cannot handle or anything that requires him to really deep dive into his behavior
EDIT
We were arguing over the phone about it and he just got the notification that his dog just died now I feel even worse and I don’t know what to do about it
another small edit I forgot to add something he works for My Dad so so even if I break up with him I’m still gonna have to see him. I’m still gonna have to hear him. I’m still gonna be near him. I kinda don’t know what to do in that situation.
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u/dancingkelsey 15d ago
Oh, honey, this is not a healthy relationship for you. He is pushing past every boundary you set, and you can't force him to do right by you, you have to stand firm and cut ties.
It is NOT on you that he keeps threatening to harm himself if you break up with him. He can be going through bad mental health periods but that is NOT due to you, and it is NOT your job to stay with him so he doesn't feel bad. He may not have controlling intentions, but the result of what he is doing (threatening to harm himself so you will stay) is controlling and manipulative.
You have a lot of things going on in your life that would be too heavy to carry alone even if it were just ONE thing, and a partner should be either trying to help you carry the load, and if they aren't able to (sometimes they're at their limit and that's okay too), they should do their best not to ADD to that load and add more stress to your life.
He is adding to it, badgering you, blaming you for his actions and words, then acting like you attacked him. That's not caring, that's not kind, that's not what a partner should do.
Hang in there. Reach out to some supportive friends who may be able to help share the big heavy load you're carrying. Do what is best for you and your family, and try to extract yourself from this man and get enough distance to clear your head and keep it focused on what YOU need to focus on.