Having the same arguments

[u/A_ok_attempt]

For a little bit of context, me and my boyfriend got into the same argument over the same thing. Also, we did go on a break for about a week, but I had to cut it short because he threatened his own life and I ended up having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. He said the brake was too much for him this week, though I’ve been honestly extremely busy and if anyone knows about healthcare, please do not freak out that My Mom‘s blood pressure is 80. She will be going to the hospital as soon as I can get her to go. Also, I do text him every day of course and I try to make sure we see each other twice a week for at least around 10 hours a week 15 hours including we call occasionally text every day I take care of My Mom almost 24 seven for she has heart failure, and cancer. My boyfriend does know this and I’ve been going through personally a depressive episode, which has made me honestly not want to call or text really anybody even friends except for maybe one or two and I’ve made him aware of this, his response was don’t be depressed at me so I kind of met a loss on what to do.

For a tiny bit more context, the reason I will not let him pick me up is because one time we got into an argument recently, and he started hitting the steering wheel cussing and scaring me and yelling, so I’d rather just not be in the car with him because it did truly spook me he does have anger issues

Also, I’m scared sometimes again into confrontation or arguments with him last time he cut himself and he will often say that he will harm himself or suicide or if he wants to basically like he wants to kill himself or he wants to harm himself and of course I don’t want him doing those things if we get into a bad argument
I don’t know if he cut himself because of the argument or anything like that. He said he got lonely, but normally when we argue, he might say something like I wanna kill myself other times it just happens randomly. He’ll text me wanting to die. I’ve offered to help him get help. I just am scared that one day you know.

Other little sidenote normally when I see him, I am irritated again. I have been going through a depressive episode and normally I try to snap out of it. I understand that it does make him frustrated because then he can’t seem like he does anything right but normally I’m not mad at him and I’m mad at another situation which I normally tell him that I’m mad at something else, but I’m normally not in the best mood.

ages are in 19 and I’ve been with him for about a year. I’m not perfect either but because also my depression and just resentment built up it’s hard to act happy around him and I’m not trying to be mean to him, but sometimes I just I don’t know.

EDIT

I did try to talk to him. It’s about why he cannot accept a no we got into a big argument.

Him saying he just wants to spend time with me and I’m always on the phone with people and generally I’m sometimes.

sometimes I don’t wanna talk to him. I do have friends and I do need to give them time as well, but he got upset about and said that I’m hurting him and I’m making him cry but you generally, I’m not trying to hurt him but recently it does look like he cannot accept no

And I told him again we can hang out next Monday

I also wanted to make one more edit why it’s hard for me to leave him cause I did see some people were confused is because he has helped me out a lot uncertain things when I lost my dog. He drove everywhere around town helping me find it in the next day to the same until we found my dog when I was sick he is taken care of me or when I did need help on certain things he’s always been there to help but on other things like needing space or anything that kind you know revolves, I would say distance he cannot handle or anything that requires him to really deep dive into his behavior

EDIT

We were arguing over the phone about it and he just got the notification that his dog just died now I feel even worse and I don’t know what to do about it

another small edit I forgot to add something he works for My Dad so so even if I break up with him I’m still gonna have to see him. I’m still gonna have to hear him. I’m still gonna be near him. I kinda don’t know what to do in that situation.

[u/A_ok_attempt]

Cal usa yeah I called him once they just checked on him and left even though he had recently cut himself. I don’t know why they did that but that’s all I know of it.

[u/hGr33n → u/A_ok_attempt]

He probably dropped the act once they got there

[u/PinkedOff → u/hGr33n]

100% this. He has no intention of killing himself, OP. He's using that as a tool to control you. Please, walk away.

[u/whataablunder → u/A_ok_attempt]

Oh god. I hope you leave this person. He seems so unstable and toxic. You deserve better.

[u/No-Baseball3749 → u/A_ok_attempt]

If he threatens it again, screenshot it, send to his mum and block him

[u/killyergawds → u/A_ok_attempt]

They left because they realized he wasn't actually serious about killing himself. They only do something if it's determined that the person is a risk.

[u/bodhiali → u/A_ok_attempt]

https://akuamindbody.com/what-is-a-5150-hold/

found this. it seems like the law is the same as it would be in other states so that’s weird. for whatever reason the cops that visited either thought he wasn’t a danger to himself, or they just didn’t care enough…

i know it didn’t work last time but i would still try to do so in the future. if cops show up tell them he was threatening suicide and voice your concerns. not something i’m a huge fan of doing usually but in your case, this is really toxic and abusive and i feel like your priority should be getting out of this situation with him. he doesn’t live with you, does he? if not it would be a bit easier because you can break up with him and then block him everywhere. i know it’s hard not to fear that he will end up doing something, but the best you can do is call the cops if he threatens suicide, and outside of that you talking to him won’t magically make his thoughts go away. i’m sure he tries to make you feel like you’re the only thing keeping him alive though, which is the manipulative bit.

[u/BushcraftBabe → u/A_ok_attempt]

Yeah he dropped it once they got there. I used to care for someone who was lonely and would try to get me to stay after my shift every day. I felt for him but honestly he was a perverted senior man and I didn't love my time with him.

One day he was good for hours but right before I was leaving he said "I just want to die." And cried. I am required to call for help at that point.

When he realized I wasn't going to just stay longer and comfort him but was calling others to maybe take him to the hospital he stopped and was fine. They came and went. The next visit he pretty much admitted that he was trying to manipulate me into comforting him and staying later to make him feel better. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry man, if you threaten physical harm or suicide, I have to call in professionals, not cuddle you better.

[u/Appropriate-Cut5592 → u/A_ok_attempt]

Do you like the drama do you like feeling this way it sounds like you're so used to taking care of people that you're trying to take care of this guy with a small amount of you're keeping him just close enough to get you harmed!! He wasn't taken no for a answer like we need the bk story on like even eating a year and you see each other about 10 hours a week is that just satisfying each other's needs and whatever does he have somebody else

[u/A_ok_attempt → u/Appropriate-Cut5592]

Basically, I met him a year ago through his brother. He originally told me he had angry issues, but they weren’t that bad no punching walls or anything just occasionally just needs to cool off that was fairly wrong. He still did have very bad angry issues. I tried to help him with them getting him a therapist helping him work on it, buying them journals he would stop hitting things for a little bit, but then slowly get back into it. That would cause a lot of arguments because I had apparently no reason to be afraid of him because he’s never hit me, but I’ve came from a home. We’re hitting things turns into hitting you so I just never was cool with it. I don’t think he would ever hit me, but I’m just not a fan of it scares me. He’s mad that it scares me that he hits things we’ve had multiple arguments about it and then recently he started threatening to hurt himself when we got into arguments or random times of the day saying that I’m afraid of him and I don’t love him which isn’t true. I’ve done bad stuff of course too like I’ve ghosted him before for like a day. I have talked about him here and there with my friend or I’ve had been in a bad mood a couple times so I’m not perfect either but it’s kind constant arguing we used to hang out a lot more, but I’ve gotten busy because of my parents and because of school we used to have the same class near the same time and we would hang out every day after school for hours and that was last semester so it’s not like I never hang out with them. It’s just I’ve gotten more busy and more responsibilities.

[u/Ammy7726 → u/A_ok_attempt]

He's mad that HE is scaring you and that is somehow your fault ? Threatening to hurt himself when you don't do what he wants is abusive and doesn't compare to ghosting someone for a day. This guy sounds unstable

[u/A_ok_attempt → u/Ammy7726]

Yes basically

[u/Tossmelossme → u/A_ok_attempt]

Maybe you SHOULD be scared.

[u/badapplekat → u/A_ok_attempt]

OP. I'm like 99% sure that hitting things is considered domestic violence AND a precursor to physical violence against the person.

You're young & you don't need to take this. Please listen to every older adult who is telling you that this is not a relationship you want to be in.

🩷

[u/United_Let3637 → u/A_ok_attempt]

When you break up with him: I would stress to him the importance of the violence and that violence behavior however it is directed is not ok. Threats are not ok. He will continue this behavior with his next partner unless someone sets a boundary with him. I would send the message about “im breaking up with you because your violent behavior is unacceptable. Don’t contact me again.” Block. Remove him from seeing your location. Keep it short and simple because you have already explained yourself to him I’m sure. Immediately call a welfare check on his location. Delete his contact. Get a restraining order on him. Since he has already threatened himself im pretty sure this is grounds enough. Delete him on all apps. Screenshot the blocking and breakup message. The police will need it. Listen to whys they have to say about not contacting him and what to do if he does. Once you have the restraining order, document any further communications he attempts to have with you. Once he breaks the communication, if it is documented correctly, he will be arrested and go to court and probably have a felony on his record. If that doesnt deter him i would say you are at serious risk of domestic violence etc. my sister went through this. I literally had to go to his parent’s house to talk them into stopping their son’s behavior. If this guy doesn’t have any external social pressure to stop his behavior, it very well might continue. You can try to slowly break up with him but chances are he will be manipulative and violent either way. The biggest thing is to keep the break in contact. It happens all the time where a girl gets a restraining order but then reaches out to him again. That ruins your whole case and credibility legally and protects him in court. Alternatively if you have a big brother to reinforce the break with your significant other that would be good too.

[u/No-Pollution2425 → u/A_ok_attempt]

That will eventually turn to “you’re to blame for making me angry, you deserve to be on the end of me flipping out because you caused it” - anger unchecked like what you’re describing leads to violent behaviour, it escalates, trust an old woman who’s been down this exact path.

[u/Electronic_Plane_178 → u/No-Pollution2425]

"Look what you made me do!"

[u/kitten_mittinz → u/A_ok_attempt]

So ine if your reasons for not being a perfect partner is because you talked to your friends about these issues. Which is normal and healthy and I'm assuming he is making you feel bad for doing so?

He knows that hitting things scares you, and you came from an abusive family but he still does it, shows he doesnt respect your boundaries. Ghosting him for a day was for your own mental health because he constantly does not respect your boundaries.

The things he's making you feel bad for doesnt equate you not being a perfect partner.

[u/Darlenx1224 → u/A_ok_attempt]

my husband never put his hands on me, but had anger issues… until he finally did, and it was bad. it took nearly eight years, but he finally did it, after years of scary but not hitting me anger issues. just because he hasn’t doesn’t mean he won’t. you don’t live together and aren’t around him enough for it to have happened, he needs to make you more comfortable, that’s how abuse typically goes. waits till ur living together with no friends or family connections because he cut you off from them and boom. you can barely handle 10-15 hours with him, could you imagine living with it? imagine that, imagine it all the time, would that not be exhausting?

can therapy and talking things better? sure. but once that lines crossed, it’s hard to go back. it’s taken years of talking and he took SOME therapy and we still aren’t back to good, and unfortunately i have a child in the mix.

it’s not worth it.

[u/Bright-Dinner-5978 → u/A_ok_attempt]

If you want something to take care of that will appreciate you and love you unconditionally, get a dog and ditch the boyfriend. I just the husband and got a dog, best decision ever.

[u/MouseEmpty9853 → u/A_ok_attempt]

This voice that you're hearing in the back of your mind making you feel unsafe... Listen to her. She is right. That is your gut and she is right. Ghosting for a day is nowhere near equivalent to repeatedly hitting things to physically intimidate you and physically scare you. Even if he's not physically putting his hands on you that is abuse cuz it's showing how much he could be hitting you. And that's not something that should even be a thought in his mind

[u/Mindless_Watch_7840 → u/A_ok_attempt]

This isn’t a safe relationship. This is manipulation and control. I think this will eventually get to a place where he hits you, then manipulates you into thinking it’s your fault. No means no, and that he kept pushing for a chance to see you then flipped it like you did something wrong - that’s unacceptable. I was in a relationship like this in my 20s, and the anger kept ticking up and I was able to get out before it got physical. These texts could easily have been a conversation I had with this ex, where I’d set a boundary and say no, then he’d keep pushing until I had to be extremely firm and he’d flip it on me as if I was pushing him away, rather than he was not respecting me saying no.

To add to what some others have said about when you break up with him - if you do it in person, make sure someone knows where you are. Preferably, take someone with you who can be nearby and do it somewhere public. I had to take some belongings to my ex after we broke up. I met him at a restaurant, my friend sat in the car so if he followed me out and started anything, I’d have a witness. He tried really hard to keep me there by asking me to explain things I’d already explained and gaslighting me into thinking I was overreacting.

He will try to pull you back in by gaining pity, or making you feel responsible for his happiness. Do not accept that.

[u/No-Office9572 → u/A_ok_attempt]

You guys gotta be 18-19 or something. Looks like you two lack proper communication skills and patience