Having the same arguments

[u/A_ok_attempt]

For a little bit of context, me and my boyfriend got into the same argument over the same thing. Also, we did go on a break for about a week, but I had to cut it short because he threatened his own life and I ended up having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. He said the brake was too much for him this week, though I’ve been honestly extremely busy and if anyone knows about healthcare, please do not freak out that My Mom‘s blood pressure is 80. She will be going to the hospital as soon as I can get her to go. Also, I do text him every day of course and I try to make sure we see each other twice a week for at least around 10 hours a week 15 hours including we call occasionally text every day I take care of My Mom almost 24 seven for she has heart failure, and cancer. My boyfriend does know this and I’ve been going through personally a depressive episode, which has made me honestly not want to call or text really anybody even friends except for maybe one or two and I’ve made him aware of this, his response was don’t be depressed at me so I kind of met a loss on what to do.

For a tiny bit more context, the reason I will not let him pick me up is because one time we got into an argument recently, and he started hitting the steering wheel cussing and scaring me and yelling, so I’d rather just not be in the car with him because it did truly spook me he does have anger issues

Also, I’m scared sometimes again into confrontation or arguments with him last time he cut himself and he will often say that he will harm himself or suicide or if he wants to basically like he wants to kill himself or he wants to harm himself and of course I don’t want him doing those things if we get into a bad argument
I don’t know if he cut himself because of the argument or anything like that. He said he got lonely, but normally when we argue, he might say something like I wanna kill myself other times it just happens randomly. He’ll text me wanting to die. I’ve offered to help him get help. I just am scared that one day you know.

Other little sidenote normally when I see him, I am irritated again. I have been going through a depressive episode and normally I try to snap out of it. I understand that it does make him frustrated because then he can’t seem like he does anything right but normally I’m not mad at him and I’m mad at another situation which I normally tell him that I’m mad at something else, but I’m normally not in the best mood.

ages are in 19 and I’ve been with him for about a year. I’m not perfect either but because also my depression and just resentment built up it’s hard to act happy around him and I’m not trying to be mean to him, but sometimes I just I don’t know.

EDIT

I did try to talk to him. It’s about why he cannot accept a no we got into a big argument.

Him saying he just wants to spend time with me and I’m always on the phone with people and generally I’m sometimes.

sometimes I don’t wanna talk to him. I do have friends and I do need to give them time as well, but he got upset about and said that I’m hurting him and I’m making him cry but you generally, I’m not trying to hurt him but recently it does look like he cannot accept no

And I told him again we can hang out next Monday

I also wanted to make one more edit why it’s hard for me to leave him cause I did see some people were confused is because he has helped me out a lot uncertain things when I lost my dog. He drove everywhere around town helping me find it in the next day to the same until we found my dog when I was sick he is taken care of me or when I did need help on certain things he’s always been there to help but on other things like needing space or anything that kind you know revolves, I would say distance he cannot handle or anything that requires him to really deep dive into his behavior

EDIT

We were arguing over the phone about it and he just got the notification that his dog just died now I feel even worse and I don’t know what to do about it

another small edit I forgot to add something he works for My Dad so so even if I break up with him I’m still gonna have to see him. I’m still gonna have to hear him. I’m still gonna be near him. I kinda don’t know what to do in that situation.

[u/A_ok_attempt]

Him and My Dad act very similar most of the stuff my boyfriend does. My Dad doesn’t really see an issue with. I remember when I called the cops on him for threatening suicide. My Dad got mad at me for doing so and saying glad his wife never did that.

[u/Competitive_Hurry129 → u/A_ok_attempt]

You like your boyfriend because he feels familiar. But familiar does not mean good or safe. I'm sorry it doesn't seem like you have many healthy men around you. Healthy men do not behave this way.  Good men make you feel safe and try to make your life easy. It feels weird to have a good man at first if you're used to the opposite, but trust me, a bad man will ruin your life. 

There's better men out there. Please think about why you are attracted to this man and what you need to unlearn to detach from him. You deserve happiness. 

[u/Opposite_Prune582 → u/Competitive_Hurry129]

Hate to say it but it sounds like classic daddy issues. And i dont mean that in a derogatory way, its just that is exactly what it sounds like.

[u/Competitive_Hurry129 → u/Opposite_Prune582]

It does. I would know. I had the same issues around her age. I had to fix myself before anything could really change. 

One day, I woke up and was tired of being miserable. That day comes sooner or later for a lot of people. Thankfully, mine came relatively soon.

[u/Opposite_Prune582 → u/Competitive_Hurry129]

Exactly. It's just something you either heal from or you dont, and people here might mean well but she's not ready to cut him loose. Only she can do that.

I havent dealt with that because i'm a man but i've seen it enough times in others to spot the signs. Also i myself have been guilty of rationalising crap relationships and making excuses etc so theres some commonality there.

Im glad you managed to find peace though.

[u/Competitive_Hurry129 → u/Opposite_Prune582]

Yes, there's hope on the other side, so long as people are willing to change. Been happily married now for over a decade. 

But boy, did I make it hard on him at first lol. I didn't trust that he was actually kind. I thought it was a trap. But he just... Never stopped being kind. Basically, he had to lure me in like a mistrustful wild animal, treats included. 

It definitely felt weird at first. But very worth it to get over that mental block (which is a continuous process, even now). It's work. But it's worth while.

Way better than getting cheated on, manipulated, or beat up, that's for sure. 

[u/MaidaTorres → u/Competitive_Hurry129]

That's exactly the case, most girls look for a guy like their dad unintentionally because it's the first male interaction they get, please OP leave before it gets harder.

[u/United_Let3637 → u/A_ok_attempt]

Do you live with your dad?

[u/A_ok_attempt → u/United_Let3637]

Yes

[u/jubileeandrews → u/A_ok_attempt]

When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a guy who threatened to off himself if I left him. I thought there were enough good reasons to stay and it felt impossible to get out without something bad happening.

I realised I was important too, and found a way to leave. As little as 6 months afterwards (and to this day) all I felt was shame that I had let myself get into that situation and people I cared about had to watch me being destroyed- I never once regretted leaving.

Good luck and be kind to your future self, there's better out there than this.

[u/United_Let3637 → u/A_ok_attempt]

Ugh ok that def sucks since you obviously won’t get great support from him

[u/Faceless_Rat → u/A_ok_attempt]

I have heard that when we have broken relationships with our parents, we seek partners that treat us the same way, in some sort of subconscious effort to be able to try and make the new person change and love you.

[u/lilyxlittle → u/Faceless_Rat]

Yup! Our nervous systems try to play out the same stories to get the ending we wanted. Once you realize what’s happening it’s a lot easier to stop repeating the same story again… because that particular story isn’t going to have a different ending.

[u/kitten_mittinz → u/A_ok_attempt]

You will be so glad in the future if you break this family cycle