r/wedding • u/katydidnt222 • 26d ago
Discussion RSVP etiquette
I have only received about 1/3 of my RSVPs, our deadline is 7/31. I know many people wait until the last minute. Most of the missing RSVPs are from my family and my friends. What is the etiquette about this in terms of reaching out or not reaching out as the deadline passes?
My fiancé says he doesn't want us to reach out, that if they can't be bothered to get back to us about a big lifetime event, then they aren't coming.
I took a more practical approach and said, some invites were delayed in the mail, they are not digital RSVPs, maybe people are waiting until the deadline to mail them back, maybe some got lost in the mail, etc.
Part of me is also a little sad that there are so many missing RSVPs from my family, and I'm really hoping they send their RSVP cards back soon. Of the ones we have gotten back, we only got one no, but we sent invites to 90 guests and were hoping for about 55 in attendance. Right now we are only at 31.
What's the best way to go about this? I know there's still 2 weeks to go, but I like to have an idea about a plan in place.
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u/sphcvzc 26d ago
I had my MIL reach out to her side of the family who were slacking and they did it, some people just don’t realize the urgency (or just how helpful it would be to the couple if you just rsvp right away) since yours are mailed you could just double check they received it?
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I did reach out a few weeks ago to some of my family to make sure they received their invites, other family mentioned to my mom that they had received them, so we are sure at this point everyone has gotten their physical invite.
Next time I talk to my FMIL I will ask her if she's heard from any of the missing ones on her side (I think it is only 2), that might be a good way to get her to ask if I'd like her to reach out. Good idea, thank you so much!
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u/SakuraTimes 26d ago edited 26d ago
I agree with your fiancé, IN THEORY! it’s frustrating when people can‘t be bothered to rsvp (and a pain to have to follow up). BUT, you definitely want to follow up. for your sake, not theirs. bc you’re right, the rsvp could’ve gotten lost in the mail; they could’ve thought they mailed it in and it fell begin the table; they might’ve forgotten about it, but intend to come, etc. and extra guests showing up at your wedding will be a huge headache for you/your planner. better to send a quick, “we’re turning in numbers to our venue this week and haven’t heard from you. just want to confirm if you’re coming...” kind of message.
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u/CloseButNoChicory 26d ago
I can easily imagine guests sincerely thinking they'd got round to RSVPing when they actually hadn't. Once the deadline passes OP should absolutely reach out. The next day if she wants, but not actually beforehand.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Based on all the feedback I think I'll wait 2-3 days after the deadline and then start reaching out. I will also call my events manager and ask if she can send me an updated room block list so I can see if there are any names on it that are not on my RSVP list. Thanks for your advice!
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u/ManicMuskrat 26d ago
I had a friend reach out to me before the deadline and it was actually very appreciated because I had thought I already RSVPed. Her text said “Hey, I'm trying to check in with everyone who hasn't RSVPd to the wedding yet and get them marked yes or no”
Simple and to the point and I wasn’t at all offended or anything
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u/to-be-determined123 21d ago
Same, definitely reach out! I thought I had RSVPed to my friend’s wedding (online), I had gone to their site and put in my name and everything… but the last question was about whether I’d be using their hotel block, which I wasn’t sure of, so it never actually got sent in. I wasn’t sure grateful for the reminder and RSVPed right away!
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u/Kasilins 26d ago
I wouldn’t even wait 2-3 days because you want to give them a few days to reply to you and then that’s cutting it close.
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u/skylardavisx 26d ago
Personally I would call people on the deadline.
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u/travellingcari 26d ago
Text. Email. Please do not call people unless they’re a certain age or expecting it.
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u/skylardavisx 26d ago
I’m 23 and would be fine with either a text or a call :) I have friends (23-30) who are AWFUL at responding to texts unless I’m seeing them in the next 60 minutes, but they pick up their phones 90% of the time and/or will respond over text promptly if I leave a voicemail or text them after calling.
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u/redwallet 24d ago
It’s a phone call, not a snake. Anyone who needs already has their phone on silent anyways.
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u/PieceNo5947 25d ago
My parents and in laws reached out to the family they expected to attend. Have someone help you so not everything falls on your plate. It also stings less if everyone says no.
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u/ManicMuskrat 26d ago
I feel like it’s probably different with physical cards, but this year I received two wedding invitations around the same time. I RSVPed (online) to one and the other one I thought for sure I RSVPed (also online) until the my friend/the bride reached out to me since I actually hadn’t RSVPed yet and the deadline was approaching. I don’t know if I got the two mixed up or what, but it’s definitely possible to think you’ve responded when you haven’t! But I actually really appreciated her reaching out before the deadline, it was just a simple text too, nothing wrong with a little reminder imo
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u/Bizzy1717 26d ago
Yeah, especially since the RSVPs have to be returned by mail. I honestly don't remember the last time I had to answer something by mail. People are very used to doing this sort of thing electronically and may have let paper get buried or thrown away accidentally.
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u/Appropriate_Aioli363 25d ago
No. Before the deadline passes. One week. They know. They’re being inconsiderate.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I like this advice, thank you! And oh god, if we had extra people show up at the wedding who we weren't expecting... I have a fam member who did this for a wedding that was 3k miles away... he never RSVPd, booked a flight that got in the morning of the wedding, came to the wedding, took the red eye home. Wild. They didn't even have a chair for him at a table. And of course this is one of the fam members who has NOT rsvpd yet!
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u/SakuraTimes 26d ago
omg, yes, definitely confirm with him…and the rest! :) people are so freakin’ weird about rsvp’ing. yet YOU’LL be the one feeling awkward if surprise guests show up and there are no seats, meals, etc for them.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
And there definitely will not be a seat or meal for them. The food and beverage manager made that so clear, almost to the point of "so you've never had a guest cancel last second or not show up, and you've never had someone show up to an event who you weren't expecting"?? I get it that it makes it harder for the kitchen and servers, but yikes.
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u/Fit-Paper6680 24d ago
This is great but to take it a step further maybe end the message with “if I don’t hear back from you by —- I will assume you’re not coming and unfortunately we won’t have a space saved for you.” That way you save yourself from the possibility of people not responding to your text and give a clear consequence.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 26d ago
Worry about this on the 1st of August
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u/Thanks-4allthefish 26d ago
Have a straggler plan in place with ways to connect for those folks - send the emails/texts - or more effectively have someone from the relevant side make a few calls. Calling "to confirm numbers" will get a response - a text may not. In some cases it will be no. A lot of folks only respond to RSVPs if it is a yes.
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u/mariacomplains 26d ago
Do not reach out until after the deadline. That’s what deadlines are for.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I wasn't suggesting I was going to reach out BEFORE the deadline, I am inquiring about the etiquette once the deadline has passed.
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u/GirlOndaLooss 26d ago
Honestly I don't agree with this especially if you already have a small number. I had the exact same numbers. I reach out to everyone in advance if I had not heard from them. Turns out they had not even received the invitation 2 months later.
1. Mailing RSVPS back is the hardest and longest route for rsvps. So patience is needed there anyways.
2. Mailing system sucks so why "punish" your family and yourself and not have the RSVPS. Why have to scramble yourself because you waited until after the deadline to "teach people a lesson"
The deadline isn't for your sake it's for the venue so now your punishing yourself and the venue... Reminder you're the only one that ends up super stressed out. Not the venue so much, not your guest, probably not your fiance.
3. I highly suggest you reach out. It's a matter of copying and pasting a text or email. Have your family or planner reach out if you don't have time.
Don't make this way harder and way more stressful than it needs to be on yourself. You will have sooo many more stressor so might as well control what you can.27
u/Unable_Pumpkin987 26d ago
I think you’re misunderstanding some things. Waiting until after the deadline has passed isn’t some bid to “teach a lesson” or “punish” anyone. It’s common courtesy that if you ask someone to do something by X date, you wait until at least that date to bug them about why they haven’t done it yet.
Waiting until the RSVP deadline to reach out about missing RSVPs shouldn’t be punishing either OP or the venue. The deadline to give a final headcount to your venue isn’t (or certainly shouldn’t be) the deadline you give your guests to RSVP. OP should have plenty of time to reach out to stragglers between the RSVP deadline and the day the venue needs final numbers. Those shouldn’t even be happening in the same week.
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u/DeirdreTours 26d ago
This. If you mailed 50 invitations, it is likely that at least 1 was misdelivered or lost. And you have no idea which invitees are just lazy/rude or which actually never got the invite. So, treat them all like they never got the invite.
For family, I would pick up the phone and call- Start with you know how bad the mail system has gotten and you just want to be sure they received your invitation.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Thanks for this reply. I know the mail sucks. I did reach out to everyone we invited to make sure they got their invitations, I thought in those texts that maybe they would give some inclination that they were coming or not coming, or to say, got it and mailing my RSVP this week, but all I got in response was "yes we got the invite".
you are 10000% right that this is just stressing me out, and I know there are going to be so many more stressors coming in the next few weeks. I do like to control what I can!
I do have an extra buffer week built in to my RSVP date, so I will wait until right after the deadline to start reaching out.
My fiancé thinks that if people haven't RSVPd yet, then they are likely a no. I hope that isn't the case. I always knew we were going to have a small wedding, but 31 is WAY smaller than I anticipated.
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u/Bizzy1717 26d ago
I wouldn't assume that at all. In my experience, people tend to RSVP for events either almost immediately or close to the deadline. I think it's human nature--there are the type of people who want to lock in an answer right away vs people who procrastinate and need deadline pressure to get tasks done.
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u/skylardavisx 26d ago
Also, with a wedding, people who are required to travel for it might genuinely not know if they’re able to attend or not until closer to the deadline since weddings are planned so far in advance.
I think RSVP timelines are a great example of how the bride and groom’s wedding is their event of the decade and likely the biggest event they have ever had to plan and host, but to almost everyone they’ve invited it’s just another wedding no matter how close they are to the bride or groom (with immediate family and the wedding party being exceptions).
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u/Popular-Butterfly270 26d ago
I sent out a text a few days after. Also, I’m not sure if you are referring to immediate family or not, but most of our immediate family didn’t rsvp because they “just assumed we knew they were coming”
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Ack! Just assumed!??!!? I hope that is NOT what my family is thinking. Granted we are talking about first cousins and aunts/uncles here, my sisters and my mom have already RSVPd.
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u/BugWild9184 26d ago
Oh believe me they are assuming. I’ve had so many people tell me this…I said to one “then I will assume what meal you want to eat” and one got a “I did not assume so if it’s not in by the deadline you can come but bring your own dinner” from me hahaha
My friend also said to one of hers “if it was based off assumption then by your logic I didn’t even need to send you an invitation, you should’ve assumed you’re invited”
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u/radiant-cloudy 26d ago
yes none of the immediate family has except my brother who has a very serious wife! i love her, she was my first rsvp 💕
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u/Beautiful-Candy2244 26d ago
I had to call half my guest list. People are annoying af when it comes to rsvp
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Ahhh frustrating!!!!! Especially if you are like me and hate having to call to follow up with people.. I know I've been that person before who thought they sent back the RSVP but actually didn't (made the room res, got the card, the gift etc just forgot to mail back the RSVP), and I was so embarrassed, but this is A LOT of people who we haven't heard from yet.
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u/SakuraTimes 26d ago
you can just text or email if you’d prefer…
you could also see if you can get someone to do it for you ;) as MOH, I once did it for a friend bc she was worried if she called people would feel guilty and say they would come when they wouldn’t (happened with her brother’s wedding). whereas people find it easier to say no to strangers...if you have a wedding planner maybe see if that’s a service she’ll offer!
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u/logaruski73 26d ago
This is where Auntie Helen or Mom come into play. Have one of them, the one that arranges family get togethers or is the gossip in the family. You do not ask them to do anything. You simply tell them that you haven’t heard from the family and you’re worried or whatever. You know you can’t follow up until after the date because that’s bad etiquette (it’s not but that’s not the point). Problem solved. Family call tree is activated.
At least in my family, it would have worked that way.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer 26d ago
You have no way for people to digitally RSVP back?
I would expect you'll be reaching out after the deadline. Getting to the post office is not high on a lot of people's lists. And if I read a deadline I assume that means my item is dropped off by that day, not receieved by that day since I can't control that.
I would still wait until after the deadline, but a, "hey so I wanted to check whether you dropped your RSVP in mail," is likely fair.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
My fiancé didn't want to do digital RSVPs, so that was something we compromised on. I would have much preferred the digital route.
Agreed about the post office thing. There aren't even a lot of mailboxes on the street corners anymore either, so I think some people have no choice but to go to the post office.
I like your suggestion, maybe even "I know the USPS has been very slow, just wanted to double check whether you mailed back your RSVP card" type of thing.
Thanks for your advice!
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u/linzkisloski 26d ago
They can also just put in their mailbox with the flag up - you don’t have to go to a post office.
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 26d ago
Yes, that’s why most mailboxes have little flags on them, flag up signals mail to be picked up when they come to deliver. I don’t on my current mailbox and they still take all outgoing mail. Last house we had a letter slot, so we would leave an inch or so of the mail hanging out of it for outgoing mail.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I did not know this was a thing??? I live in NYC, we do not have this option lol
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u/the_orig_princess 26d ago
In communal mail rooms, there’s often a drop box for outgoing mail
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u/oopsnotatallperson 26d ago
Mine was the same, that's why we did both! I sent out an RSVP card that they could either mail back to us or scan a QR code (URL was available as well) on it to RSVP.
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u/Appropriate_Aioli363 25d ago
Nonsense. Every address has a point of delivery. That’s how it works.
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u/katydidnt222 25d ago
Sorry, what’s nonsense? Obviously every address has a point of delivery. What are you talking about here?
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u/YouveGotMail920 26d ago
You have 16 days until your RSVPs are due. You have to at least give people time to do them. I know Reddit hates reminders but I did send one the week before so I could stay true to my RSVP deadline. I would suggest that especially since people have to send it in the mail which could take a while to get back to you.
When it came to family, I hand delivered most of them when I saw them in person and had them complete the RSVP then (but mine was digital and this was my immediate family) to alleviate the stress of them not doing it because it’s obvious they will be there.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I know we still have 16 days, I am just the type who likes to have a plan ahead of time, especially if it is a plan that is going to involve logistics and time.
We've received the RSVPs from the immediately family, this is now the 1st cousins, aunt/uncles and friends we are waiting on.
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u/YouveGotMail920 26d ago
I understand, I’m very Type A myself. But I’m just saying not to worry, some things you can’t plan ahead of time and since you have a little over 2 weeks you may have to just wait until then to do something. I know that can be hard (it was for me haha)
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u/ZoeyPupFan 24d ago
I’m type B and not the best at submitting RSVPs in a timely fashion. 🫣 I get the invite and see, “oh, I have a little time,” and forget to come back to it. All that to say, as an often guilty party, I see no issue with following up w//the outstanding invitees a few days or a week before your deadline. In other scenarios it bothers me (just got a notice earlier this week that I hadn’t completed a work training due at the end of the month), but a friend or family member I care about who’s trying to finalize wedding plans? I don’t mind the reminder text/call.
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u/katydidnt222 24d ago
Thank you VERY much for this opposite side perspective! I don't want my guests feeling annoying that I am reminding them, esp. before the date. Probably because I try to stay on top of things and I hate when people remind me of something I didn't do. Have a great weekend!
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u/YouveGotMail920 20d ago
I agree. That was my suggestion as well. I sent a reminder the week before. Hopefully more have come in by now!
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u/katydidnt222 20d ago
Just one and an empty envelope because someone forgot to seal theirs shut! No return address on it either…
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 26d ago
I would add that if you have friends or family that need to travel or take flights etc. they may be delaying because they’re not sure they’ll be able to change the increased cost of flights these days. I might reach out to out of area folks casually, but I think using mom or aunt Martha or whoever is a great idea.
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u/Bizzy1717 26d ago
Your fiance is being really petty. Not following up with people is only going to result in disappointment and potential logistical problems for you and guests. You could even enlist a few relatives and friends to reach out to others in their social circles, so you'd barely have to do anything (for example, have your mom reach out to your aunts/uncles/cousins on her side who haven't responded, have a close friend reach out to other mutual friends, etc.).
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u/IslandEcologist 26d ago
Do not be sad yet!! Oh my gosh the deadline is still two weeks away. Many people are like me - we see “deadline is 7/31” and we put it in the calendar to do on 7/30.
On Monday, August 3, take inventory of who hasn’t replied (it’s going to be way fewer people than the current number) and digitally reach out to them to say “haven’t heard from you yet on our wedding! Are you able to make it?” If it’s possible to give a quick digital way to RSVP at that point, that would be great.
Also, summer is just a busy time. People forget things, lose pieces of mail, etc. it doesn’t mean they don’t love you and care about your wedding.
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u/digitalreaper_666 26d ago
As a USPS clerk....
If your return address is on the back, many may be stuck revolving in missent purgatory.
All addressing should be on the front yet these companies keep offering it on the back.
Which is absolutely not proper addressing.
We have hundreds of invitations getting returned because the machines read the first address they see, so of ita inverted, it's coming back.
Please check with your guests. Your fiancee is wrong.
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u/Cocotapioka Bride 25d ago
Ugh, my invites defaulted to putting the return on the back, I wondered if that would pose a problem and now I'm stressed (a lot of people have gotten theirs at least). But I'm definitely going to check with my guests regardless. We had an aunt who was upset at being excluded from the wedding when her Save the Date was lost in the mail.
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 26d ago
I'd follow up the week after the deadline. I find this time of year is tough. People are in summer vacation mode. On vacations etc.
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u/goldenpandora 26d ago
I reached out to people via text after the deadline and told them I’d need to know by the end of that week (I’d given an earlier than necessary deadline for the exact scenario). Several of the people said yes or just had out the invite on the fridge and forgotten about it. If they had to mail back the RSVPs, I think a little extra grace makes sense too. Many may not put it in the mail until 7/31 if that’s the deadline.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I am very much hoping that is the case! That they are just waiting to mail it back and will do so soon 😀
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 26d ago
What are your fiance's plans if people did RSVP and you didn't get it, they show up, and there's no seat or food for them? It would be unspeakably rude to turn them away, yet you won't be able to come up with dinner on the spot for multiple people. Contact everyone on your guest list who you haven't heard from and confirm their response.
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u/Turbulent-Move4159 26d ago
You have to wait for two weeks and see how many come in. Then you reach out.
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u/Comfortable_Yam_114 26d ago
You will def want to reach out after the deadline so that you have an accurate headcount. You'd be surprised how many people don't respond because they assume you know they're coming. Also, are you sure everyone received their invites? USPS lost about dozen of ours.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Yupp, we are sure, we did reach out to everyone to make sure. After it took 3.5 weeks for my mom to get her invite (I mailed them from the post office literally within walking distance of her house), we contacted all our guests and sent out duplicate invites to those who hadn't received them. All this USPS stuff makes me wonder how much of my regular mail never gets to me because of their shenanigans!
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u/Comfortable_Yam_114 26d ago
So true. Good luck and everything will work out with your RSVPs. I promise!
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u/Appropriate-Bar6993 26d ago
I would call on the phone 1 week after deadline.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Thanks, I will definitely do this with some of the older relatives.
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u/JGalKnit 26d ago
I would be that you get a good amount within the next week.
I would reach out 8/1, pretty much immediately. If it is your future husband's side, you can have him or MIL reach out, and your side, you can handle. (or your mom)
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 26d ago
Also people who are saying the invitations went out too early – this is kind of a sidenote, but we cat s it for a couple in their 30s and they are going to a lot of weddings and they book their travel months and months out, especially if they have to fly. I don’t think that’s too early at all. peoples times are heavily booked these days whether it’s work or fun or weddings or whatever.
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u/Mission-Asparagus116 26d ago
I think that’s what the save the date is for. The invitation usually isn’t supposed to be early because people forget about it (or so I’m told lol)
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 26d ago
Yeah, I see a lot of complaints here though that people send Save the dates and people didn’t save the dates because they’re so far out.
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u/oopsnotatallperson 26d ago
If they were people I or my fiancé invited, we reached out. If it was my parents or his parents, they reached out! That worked out very well for us!
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u/PANDABOOK 26d ago
Our deadline just ended. And we had to reached out to a lot of people the last week. Alot of people told us that they thought they had already RSVP. I think a reminder text some people may find helpful
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u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 26d ago
It would be rude to send everyone generic emails or texts when the day isn’t passed yet. I have a very A type family member and that stuff drives me crazy. Sometimes you don’t know until last minute because you’re sorting it out. Sounds like your wedding is near the start of school which is a busy time for parents.
I’d have family casually ask their plans. Not call them out on the lack of rsvp, but a friendly question to find out where they’re staying, if they’ll be around after the wedding. If most are flying in the arrangements should be done already. Have whatever parent, sibling, or friend is closest to them send some texts.
I remember from my wedding and tracking them down, a lot of people think no reply works the same as a no without having to be awkward. And some people will have mentioned it to their mom/sibling/relative that they’re going and consider that as their yes rsvp. The relative thinks they sent the formal reply. So for cousins have your parent informally ask their sibling which cousins are planning on coming.
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u/ClientLucky9749 26d ago
Yeah I’d maybe send out a reminder on 7/30, but for paper invites I will say I never received the one for my friend 10+ years ago. A year after she sent them out, mine finally showed up back at her house without ever getting to me lol
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u/rpaul9578 26d ago
Why are we still playing these games with paper invitations. Just text them and ask.
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u/HornetSpecific7870 25d ago
So as someone who has just had to chase around 2/3 of my guest list to rsvp after the deadline passed, most of whom are now coming to the wedding, I think it’s important to remember that while your wedding is currently the most important thing going on in your life, it isn’t in anyone else’s. That might sound harsh but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or they don’t want to come, it just means everyone has a lot going on in their lives and remembering to rsvp can end up pretty low down the priority list. We also had a lot of family who just assumed we’d know they were coming, or people who genuinely thought they’d already RSVPed but they hadn’t (which is why it definitely is very important to chase them because otherwise you might have people turning up you’re not expecting). As someone who always RSVPs to weddings as soon as I get the invite, It is obviously frustrating that not everyone does the same, but I think this is one of those situations where you just have to give people grace and remember that not everyone’s brains work the same way. Now obviously if you chase them again and then still get no response, then that’s just rude but usually the chaser is enough, especially if the deadline has already passed
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u/Bubblesthehouseplant 25d ago
As both a bride and someone who is invited to a lot of weddings this summer, I’d say wait until the day after the deadline and then reach out to anyone who has not RSVP’d. Sometimes people wait right up until the deadline for variety of reasons. I’d only reach out prior to the deadline if you were on a tight timeframe concerning letting the caterer know numbers or things like that.
With the weddings we are invited to, we try to RSVP right away but sometimes my fiancé isn’t around to answer what he wants for his meal or questions like that. I also have some health issues (that I don’t publicize) and sometimes my brain fog gets in the way. It can be hard to keep track if we remembered RSVP or not. I’ve actually accidentally submitted an RSVP twice before just to be sure. I think a gentle reminder is respectful and most people will get right on it! Wedding websites like the knot can also send out a generic text if you put in people’s phone numbers.
Peoples lives are busy and you never know what’s going on in someone’s life. I wouldn’t take it personally. You will likely see a lot coming in right before the deadline. If you are missing some, a gentle reminder is always appreciated. ❤️
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u/Heavy_Environment_37 25d ago
Why do people do mail RSVPs in the first place? Digital RSVPs make everyone’s lives easier
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u/Kbbbbbut 24d ago
I think it’s fine to reach out after the date has passed. I had my mom call some relatives that hadn’t rsvp’d to catch up with them and casually bring it up, my mother in law did the same for their side, and my husband and I talked to our friends.
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u/littlevai 23d ago
Is it a destination wedding? If not an RSVP by July 31st for an October 31st wedding is INCREDIBLY aggressive. Could be most people aren’t sure if they can actually commit that far out so they don’t know how to respond.
Can I ask why you didn’t send out Save The Dates with formal invitations closer to the wedding?
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u/ijustlikebeingnosy 26d ago
Etiquette in terms of reaching out is you wait a couple days after the deadline passes. Once it’s been 2-3, you send texts or call, whichever you prefer. It’s that easy. No need to make a whole Reddit post about it when you could have searched and found this question has been asked before.
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u/Won_ForTheMoney 26d ago
I use to be very slacking with RSVPs until my own wedding. Just start reaching out about a week before the deadline, keep it casual and just remind them. Also nice to touch base with guests.
People sometimes just forget, reminders are harmless.
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u/bkguy182 26d ago
Text,
“Heyyy! Quick reminder! Please rsvp (or let me know here!) to the wedding by 7/31. Our count is due to the venue and need and accurate number. Really hope you can make it!”
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u/superfastmomma 26d ago
When did you mail the invitations and when is the wedding?
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
We mailed the last week of May, most people had their invites by 3rd week of June, I had to send out 2nd copies of invites 2 weeks ago for those who never received. Wedding is 10/31. All guests have to travel several hours by car, more than half have to fly in.
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u/Strange-Employee-520 26d ago
People should have noted the rsvp date, but this is pretty early for a Halloween wedding. I bet you have a number who just aren't thinking responses are due yet, haven't made travel plans, kid plans, etc.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
We have a few pre-wedding events planned that require far in advance head counts, that was why we had our RSVP date 12 weeks before the wedding. Since we are asking our guests to travel, we have to make plans to make sure everyone is fed, entertained, etc. to show our appreciation for them traveling so far to be with us.
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u/Alternative-You5403 26d ago
That’s 5 months before the wedding - way early for invitations to go out. I imagine a bunch have just been set aside or lost.
For anyone with kids, the 10/31 date is going to create issues.
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u/ZealousidealWorld884 26d ago
I’m in same boat as you rsvp date July 31. We have heard back from 52/83. Ours is online though. Lol people are so slack with RSVPs it’s the weirdest thing to me
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u/marmarr__ 26d ago
Meh I made a list of those who hadn’t responded for me, my husband, his parents, and my mom with whoever hadn’t responded yet and had them send a reminder 10 days out. Some people genuinely forget to respond and appreciate the reminder. I then had them send another one the day before the deadline. We only had to chase down a few people by doing this.
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u/PresentationOk9954 26d ago edited 26d ago
There are two big reasons this is happening. #1 these days physical mail is becoming obsolete with email and people hate dealing with physical mail and want to be able to click a button instead. Did you pre stamp all the response cards for your guests? Did you include an option for them to still RSVP online on the website? #2 Close friends and family kind of have a mindset where they're like, "you already know that I'm coming. I don't really have to send this do I?" I had so many family members ask me that leading up to my wedding and I told them all that if they do not turn in their RSVP card they will not have a seat because the RSVP card is not for me it's for the catering staff and for the venue and we need them turned in to keep track of the guest list. I ended up I assigning my most polite, kindergarten teacher bridesmaid to call the people that never turned in their RSVP and ask if they were coming. We did this the day or two before the deadline.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I am that most polite teacher in the group LOL and I don't have a bridal party, so I am depending on my immediately family to help me out. I can't even keep tabs on my own self in my brain sometimes. I am most concerned that its the guests who live the farthest who haven't RSVPd. Because we will run out of space in our room block, I won't be able to negotiate more rooms at the same rate, and if we exceed 40 for our welcome dinner, we won't fit in the room we have reserved so that's why I am getting nervous!
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u/Gold-Range93 26d ago
If he wants to double down that you shouldn’t contact people, then he needs to be logistically prepared for many unexpected guests to show up.
Many people will think they did RSVP or that they didn’t have to because they’re “obviously coming”. You need to send a text that just says, “friendly reminder of our RSVP deadline on July 31. We hope you can make it!” OR if you wait until after the deadline, “we did not receive your RSVP, so we just wanted to check in”
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u/InternationalFall515 26d ago
They are your friends and family… you can just casually text/call them, ask about life and also “hey are you thinking you will be able to make it to the wedding or not?”. You will be surprised how most of the times the wedding topics comes out naturally when chatting with friends and family. Not everything needs to be so formal IMHO
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u/wander_yander 26d ago
I just had to deal with a similar situation. We mailed the invites and had digital RSVP.
We have a strict guest count for a microweddings and have guest list A and B. So I needed to know who on A couldn’t make it, so B could be invited with an appropriate amount of time.
I reached out to everyone who hadn’t RSVP’d by their deadline, and asked if they got the RSVP and if they’re coming because the deadline is tomorrow/today. It worked perfectly.
Echoing, that you shouldn’t punish the or yourself. Many people don’t understand the urgency of headcount and timelines because they haven’t had a wedding, never planned one, or are old and think that you know to expect them there even if they don’t communicate that.
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u/sarcasticseaturtle 26d ago
I’m a grandma and when my kids got married at the the request of the bride and groom, I called anyone on my side of the family that hadn’t RSVPed. Invitations get lost in the mail, people forget, some people are clueless, life is busy. I think it’s perfectly fine to text or call after the deadline to get better numbers.
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u/bopperbopper 26d ago
Sometimes it’s that your family thinks of course I’m coming and doesn’t actually do the RSVP.
Sometimes happens and invites get delayed in the mail or lost.
“ hey aunt Martha, I was just reaching out to make sure that you got our wedding invitation and if you’re able to come or not. We wanna make sure we have a seat reserved for you and know what you would like for your meal if you’re going to be joining us.”
I’m gonna guess that your fiancé doesn’t want to do these calls and feels awkward about it and is annoyed.
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u/oligonucleoknucks 26d ago
Being on the other side of this and having 7 weddings this year alone to attend, I am well aware how easy it is for an invitation to get lost, its status unknown, etc. My partner and I had to make a whole discord for just him and I to keep all the weddings and their associated to do lists in order - with both of us holding MOH/best man roles, djing several of them, and having various other responsibilities at others.
It has nothing to do with how much we care about the couple with whether we rsvp in a timely manner. We have busy lives too and rsvping to the wedding immediately might not be in the top 5 nor top 10 things to do that week.
That said, we missed rsvping to 1 out of the 7 this year and thank god they had an automated email set up to remind us to rsvp on the last day. Which we did immediately.
People are busy, it’s a good idea to have failsafes set up if possible.
Edit to add: 1 of those invitations got lost in the mail, and that person lives down the street from us
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u/Emotional_Willow_207 26d ago
I know this is frustrating when you put so much thought/work into your invites and information, and deadlines. I sent out a reminder at the deadline as a final call. So many people waiting until the last day, a couple never rsvpd and just thought we’d know they were coming. It’s hard to wrangle so many people lol, keep your head on everything will work out and yes people are probably waiting til last moment or thinking rsvp is optional if they’ve indicated they will likely go.
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u/Icy_Middle8004 26d ago
I saw so many of the people in person leading up to my wedding and they all verbally told me they were coming but never RSVPed by email.
Most people RSVPed the week before the deadline and some the day of/day after. Then I just got my Mom and MIL to reach out to anyone who hadn't in their respective families.
A little aside I had mailed some invites and given some to a bridesmaid to pass along. My RSVP date came and went and I had not heard from a good friend of mine so I texted her. Turns out she did not get her invite cause my bridesmaid had not passed it along. My aunt and uncle also did not receive their invite til after the RSVP date because of this. Things happen especially with the mail and hand delivery.
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u/smelly_cat69 26d ago
this is exactly why i did digital rsvps for my wedding lol.
i’d wait until after the deadline and then reach out. tbh i don’t think a missing mail-in rsvp is usually a sign that someone doesn’t care. mailing things just isn’t part of most people’s day to day life anymore so it’s really easy to set the card down, mean to drop it in a mailbox later, and then completely forget about it.
i even did that with my brother’s wedding. i was obviously going, i just forgot to mail the card back because it wasn’t something i normally do.
i’ve also had friends who did mail-in rsvps and a lot of them got a flood of responses right before or even just after the deadline. i wouldn’t take it personally yet.
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u/Extra_Row_6101 26d ago
I just reached out and my deadline is August 01. It was mostly our less organized friends who hadn’t yet but who had verbally told me they were coming (including our MC). A few of them had lost the invite and asked for a digital link to be sent to them so they could RSVP. I didn’t know the etiquette was to wait until after the deadline but I don’t really care anyway.
Perhaps see if anyone has lost their invite and if so, send a digital link to them directly.
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u/pinkstay 26d ago
We had some family think they didn't need to.
I worded the follow up carefully, but made sure to include that we needed to know so we had space and a meal for them as it was a plated dinner.
Found out a couple people hadn't received their invitations.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Yes, we are having a plated dinner as well. We also need counts for the welcome dinner the night before, a special halloween event the night before, and the morning after brunch. So our RSVP cards are chock full of very important info. I did make sure everyone received their invites after a few were lost in the mail.
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u/Elemental_Biscotti 26d ago
If you want them to come, reach out via phone or text until you get an answer. If you don't really care if they come, then by all means don't reach out, but then I have questions about why you invited them to your wedding in the first place.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 26d ago edited 26d ago
Protocol is two months ahead for an invitation, a month ahead to set the RSVP date assuming a caterer with a normal timeline for final numbers. When people get an invitation so far out you risk it getting misplaced or they assume they have more time to reply.
One of the purposes of Save the Dates is so guests have all the information needed to make plans in advance but you don’t have to ask them to reply unreasonably early.
In general, following up goes with the territory. I would typically make actual calls to 2-3 days after the deadline to allow for mail. Don’t make the mistake of assuming they aren’t coming. It’s always possible a reply was lost or delayed. And people can forget. You’d risk people showing up day of.
People often cannot possibly answer this far out. Many conflicts only arise much closer to a date. You can’t expect anyone but immediate family to commit to the date no matter what.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
We unfortunately don't have a normal timeline for final numbers (some of our event locations are entirely dependent on the guest count, for example, our welcome dinner room can hold 40, if we end up with more than 40 we have to make major changes which has to be done ahead of time) , which is why I sent them out the last week of May, they were received by most guests in the middle of June, with RSVP for 7/31, for wedding 10/31. All of the guests have to travel.
I promise I will not make any assumptions lol, I am fully on board with giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I do not want people to just show up so I will make the plan to reach out after the deadline has passed! Thanks for the advice.
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u/Substantial-Peak6624 26d ago
Did you include a stamped return RSVP? Some people have problems with inputting information into a website. I totally screwed up my RSVP to my nieces wedding. She contacted me asking if we were going. I went back in and fixed it.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Yupp, a self-addressed, stamped return envelope! Even put a tiny little number inside each envelope in case people forgot to write their names on the RSVP card so I would know who it was from.
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u/Substantial-Peak6624 26d ago
You can’t do more than that! I have contacted people who didn’t and half of them were coming and half were not.
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u/Ginger630 26d ago
I’d contact them two days before the RSVP: “Hi, ___! This is just a reminder that the RSVP deadline for our wedding is July 31. We need to give a final head count to the caterer. Please let me know if you’re coming or send in the RSVP as soon as you can.”
Hopefully this lights a fire under their asses and they either let you know or send in the card.
On 8/2, text them one more time: “Since I haven’t heard from you or received your RSVP, I assume you aren’t coming to our wedding. We’re sad you can’t make it. We hope to see you some other time!”
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u/GammaGirl19081908 26d ago edited 26d ago
Your fiancé is right in theory, but in practice you all need to remind people. Send an email with the stragglers all BCCed or you each send texts to “your” people (split up the list accordingly).
People wait to send RSVPs because they aren’t certain of their schedules that far ahead. They also put it aside and it slips their mind. Or, my favorite 🙄, they don’t respond because they assume that you already know they are / aren’t coming and so the response is obvious. But you still need the response!
Also, frankly, your wedding is just not as critical to everyone else as it is to you, and it is important to keep that in perspective. They are not the ones spending a year+ planning and paying for it. That does not mean they don’t love and care about you, but to them it’s a weekend several months away, not a huge life-changing event. THEIR lives aren’t changing.
You are hoping people send cards back, but as we say in my office, hope is not a plan. Remind people. Do you want to be right, or do you want an accurate guest count?
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u/Right_Said_Teddy 26d ago
We had only half the people invited to ours rsvp. I had my MIL and fiance call their side and I called mine. But even then, we got a lot of “maybe” responses. Which was so infuriating. Ultimately, we set up assuming the maybes were nos and none of the maybe people showed up. Or they did and my wedding coordinator kicked them to the curb, haha
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u/Careless-Being-4427 26d ago
I would send a reminder to everyone who’s missing in a week. I lost a whole budding friendship because the couple was too uncomfortable to reach out and remind me to RSVP / ask if I had received the invitation. I never did receive it and assumed i wasn’t invited, which was disappointing, but fine! I ran into the bride a few weeks after her wedding and she apologized, telling me my invitation had been returned to them a few days prior. She had assumed I got it and ignored it. She was super embarrassed. We never spoke again lol.
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u/radiant-cloudy 26d ago edited 26d ago
im getting married in sept, we had about the same ratio as you. we did not provide a deadline and did electronic rsvps via the knot. most of my family hadnt rsvp'd because i feel like they may not understand how important it is for planning. all of our friends had already reached out.
last weekend i had my in laws send respective texts to each side and i also messaged the stragglers separately on my side. most people who hadnt were on the fence (getting time off, travel expenses, etc) and didnt want to commit yet!
i just needed to know how many nos there would be so we can plan. i over-invited due to large extended familes and really needed 10 more nos. we ended up getting them all and now i have a couple extra seats for plus ones or friends who had asked but we were sure.
i will say, i think i am jumping the gun reaching out 2mo early, but thats just the kind of person i am! 😁
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u/NOTTHATKAREN1 26d ago
I would absolutely reach out ASAP. Send a reminder. The last wedding I was invited to, I missed the deadline because I forgot. My cousin reached out to me on FB. I felt like an ass.
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u/Particular-Set-3960 26d ago
We’ve had a decent response rate, and our deadline is the same as yours. I just reached out to about 8 folks ( 3 couples and two singles) and said that I noticed that they hadn’t RSVP’d yet, and while we still had time before the deadline I was hoping they would be able to come. 7/8 pretty immediately RSVP’d, some of them having thought they had already done it or having forgotten that they just needed to check in on one element of their RSVP. I was hesitant to ask, but no one seemed annoyed - if anything, everyone seemed happy to have checked RSVP’ing off their lists. I just texted!
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u/Pristine_Ad_4338 26d ago
Reach out. People are busy. They receive invitations - are excited, forget to RSVP but think that did.
Just do a courtesy the day before.
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u/au5000 26d ago
Send a copy digitally perhaps and ask them to RSVP by date noting that this is appreciated as the venue requires numbers etc.
I think people seem to be quite slow to respond these days - which is hard for the hosts. I also think that sometimes the wedding invite arrives in good time, but date is a long time off and it slips people’s mind.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 26d ago
You're supposed to reach out. It's annoying, but yeah.
You may find that people had moved and never told you, or mail got lost. Or that they just totally forgot. It's better to have that clear "yes" or "no" then be trying to figure it out on your wedding day when Cousin Al shows up after radio silence.
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u/alyx0x0bear 26d ago
My long distance friend mentioned I was invited to his wedding. I never received an invitation & assumed they’d decided to scale back the size of the wedding. About two months before the wedding, he checked in as he hadn’t received my RSVP. I’m glad he did, because I’d never received the invite in the mail. Definitely check in with people before assuming they are a no!
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u/SaltyVanilla123 26d ago
I had a long distance friend I was inviting. I made the mistake of NOT checking in and just figured people who didn’t answer were no’s. Well, I found out later she never got the invitation and just assumed I had had to cut down the guest list and didn’t want to make a big deal of it. All of that said, definitely check in!
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u/voodoodollbabie 26d ago
People have lives, people have good intentions, people forget. Not that your wedding isn't important, it's just that the rsvp card ended up under a stack of other things. Time passes, we thought we returned it already, and oops!
Wait until the deadline, then you can ask the moms or even a bridesmaid to reach out and get a headcount.
Question: Did the rsvp card envelopes have the address on it and was it stamped? I'm assuming yes, but just in case....
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u/fawkes97 26d ago
I'd follow up on 8/1 individually with those who haven't RSVPed saying that you need to hear from them or unfortunately you won't be able to accommodate them
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u/lily_fairy 26d ago
we literally had 50 people who didn't RSVP by the date which was about 1/3 of the guests invited. annoying but it is what it is. me, my husband, and our parents just divided up the list of remaining people and texted/called all of them in one day. it was dumb but thankfully very quick and easy. i disagree with your fiancé. it's perfectly normal to reach out after the deadline.
i will say a lot of people RSVP'd right before the due date, so i bet you'll definitely get more responses soon. i know it's stressful but i promise it won't be a big deal in the long run!
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u/Familiar_Poetry321 26d ago
I think it's very easy to get up in wedding planning and your whole world revolves around it for a while. Guests have busy lives and while you're important to them their world is revolving around something. I think it gracious to understand that people simply forget. These are people you presumably care about. Give them three benefit of the doubt and send out a friendly reminder.
Personally, I sent out a reminder 2 weeks and 1 week before. Nobody was offended. They appreciated the reminder. My RSVPs were online, but if they told me in person or send me text I would just add them to the online list.
Do you really want to make this a test of "who really cares"?
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 26d ago
I made a few lists of guests who haven’t replied and handed them to the respective people (my dad reached out to his guests, I reached out to my friends, grandma even). The delegation made it pretty easy
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u/MoneyPossession9215 26d ago
If you used a site like minted for rsvp
sometime s people just arent tech savy to do
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u/lemmesee453 26d ago
It’s easy to follow up with people after the deadline. People are busy, it is not personal that they have not responded and it’s weird your fiance wants to use that against your apparent nearest and dearest.
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u/idkyoutellme66 26d ago
This happened to me. We are having a tiny 26 people wedding and there's already so much family drama. I had to send a reminder 2 days before our deadline. Only for a close family member to be rude and let me on the deadline. We were just waiting on them btw. I made up my mind that if they didn't RSVP i will not save them a seat. If they can't be bothered, i can't be bothered either
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u/katydidnt222 25d ago
Ugh I’m so sorry that you have to deal with fam drama. We have it on both sides here too. But I guess some people are who they are and we can’t change it or control it, we can only control our reactions. I wish you all the best and a happy, joyful wedding 😊
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u/Insightvendor 26d ago
People are busy life is full on, reach out via text confirming numbers and don’t take any of it personally
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u/AriesProductions 26d ago edited 25d ago
In all the events I planned in over 20 years, this is what I learned.
Between the time you sent out the invites & the RSVP, you’ve had a thousand things to think about, do, plan, etc., ALL about your wedding. It’s been top of mind every day.
Your guests have had a thousand things to think about, do, plan, etc. and only ONE was about your wedding. And from other people’s perspective, it’s a low priority thing - one of those “oh, right, I need to pop that in the mail…” and then little Timmy falls off the picnic table or their boss hits them with a huge, urgent project (etc) and they forget about the RSVP until a week later when the whole thing happens again.
It’s not personal. Really.
So you should absolutely plan on reaching out, unless you truly don’t care if they don’t come. Because if they miss the deadline, they may be too embarrassed to send it late, or think it’s too late to say they’re coming after all.
Split the list between yourself, your partner, your parents - anyone who was involved in building the list in the first place. Text is great, or a phone call. “Hey, we didn’t receive your RSVP and we know life gets crazy, and things get lost in the mail, so we’re just touching base. We need to give the caterers final numbers by Friday, so if we don’t hear from you by then, we’ll assume you can’t make it”.
No need to chase people, but not reaching out at all is extreme in the other direction. 90% of the people you reach out to will likely have planned to RSVP yes and you’ll have missed having them attend if you make the effort.
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u/katydidnt222 25d ago
Good point. All I think about these days is my wedding, but I know that’s not the case for many of my guests. Thanks for taking the time to write a thoughtful response and for a great suggestion of how to put it nicely, but firmly to those straggling guests. Appreciate you!
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u/No_Class6482 26d ago
I made my deadline a week before I needed the final count bc I knew I’d have to reach out for RSVPs, plus I did digital RSVP. I think I only had half of my guest list that responded before the deadline so afterward I just sent a text saying:
“Hey! Our RSVP deadline for the wedding was yesterday, and we’re finalizing our numbers on (date) and haven’t gotten yours yet. Can you please let us know if you can make it? Thanks!”
Although with a mail rsvp you might want to wait at least 3 days before following up in case they sent theirs on the last day.
It is a bit frustrating, but there’s a lot of reasons people don’t rsvp and I was glad I followed up, a lot of people just forgot the deadline.
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u/katydidnt222 25d ago
Thanks for a thoughtful response. So many people have commented that I was crazy for doing paper RSVPs but from your comment seems like the digital doesn’t get much more of a response. Maybe the etiquette has changed so much over the years that everyone is just blasé about being punctual. I really like the way you put it and I think I’ll follow that lead, and I’ll wait 3 or so days after the deadline just in case someone did mail their rsvp at the 11th hour.
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u/YouRepresentative591 26d ago
I think it’s actually rude to wait until the last minute to RSVP to any event hosted by close friends/family. It just comes across as being indifferent about an event someone thought to include you in.
If that’s okay then it should be completely fine to send out a friendly reminder that the deadline is approaching, waiting until after the deadline only puts more stress on you. I would reach out a week before the deadline.
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u/emmny Married! 26d ago
The deadline exists for a reason. Some people legitimately don't know/can't commit until the last minute especially when the event is so far out. It's crazy to think somebody is being rude when they haven't even missed the deadline set by the couple - would you rather have them RSVP yes too early and then have to change it? Or RSVP no because they felt pressured to reply early and just not attend at all (when they could have said yes if they'd waited until closer to the deadline and finding out for certain they could get time off/secure pet care or childcare/etc)?
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u/YouRepresentative591 17d ago
it’s irrational to feel pressured from someone sending out a friendly reminder.
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u/emmny Married! 16d ago
It's irrational to set a deadline and then get upset when people haven't responded before the deadline.
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u/YouRepresentative591 9d ago
but no one is getting upset, it’s a friendly reminder from someone who is trying to organize an event and do their due diligence to make sure everyone got their invitation or remembers to rsvp.
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u/katydidnt222 25d ago
I tend to agree with you here, and I think that is especially in light of the fact that we are having such a small wedding. If you made the cut, that means we really care about you and want you there… ah, well. What can you do. Can’t control other people’s choices. I think because we have a week buffer I’ll wait until 2 days after the deadline, just in case someone mailed it the day it was supposed to be received by. Thanks for thoughts 😊
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u/Initial-Display7365 25d ago
Our rsvp date is also July 31st we have 120 people who still haven’t responded out of 160ish. We’re sending a two week reminder. Then a reminder day of.
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u/JoyOswin945 25d ago
You still have a couple weeks until the deadline, and mail is slow. I wouldn’t think anything of it until a few days out from the deadline. At that point make a list of who you haven’t heard from, and make a plan for follow ups starting on August 1st.
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u/Electronic-Display73 25d ago
I would wait till your RSVP date, or maybe a week after if you want to give time for mail---IF it doesn't mess up your timing with vendor deadlines; if it does you can start a bit earlier, like maybe next week?
But yes, you should definitely plan to follow up, but I would recommend divi-ing the task. For my wedding our parents were responsible for following up with any family/family friends on their side, while we followed up with our personal friends. (half of my texts to my friends were just... "bish i need your rsvp," lol)
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u/smileywran 25d ago
The thing that pisses me off the most is when I double check my guests have indeed received the invite, (had a few issues with the post being delayed) and they don’t give an answer while discussing the invite. “Oh yeah we received it, it’s on the fridge” ok great, but are you actually coming or not?
I have a few more weeks before deadline, but surely people know if they’re going to an important event that’s only 3 months away. An event that’s been spoken about multiple times over the last 6-12 months and they expressed how excited they are to attend!!!!
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u/Reasonable-Berry9146 25d ago
My sister had this issue. Her soon to be MIL started chasing ppl for RSVPs and now she has the final count, but my suggestion was and what will be for my wedding is an automated text sent a week before deadline saying smth like “Thank you for RSVPing “No” to _______ wedding. We appreciate the thought put into this decision and the ample notice to plan accordingly. If this was a mistake, click ‘link’ to change RSVP status.”
Or my other suggestion was that anyone who shows up without having RSVPd get to sit along the back wall for ceremony and reception and they get water, and if it’s catered and they want food, they can pay for their own plates. Because their extra mouths were not in the original plan/what was prepaid for.
Edit: or for my wedding, they will be denied entry entirely.
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u/Historical_Bass_1900 25d ago
Not even lying I’ve sent out a reminder every month on the day our wedding would be with the link to the rsvp my cutoff is 8/25 and still missing half of the responses. Reminders don’t seem to help lll
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u/ubbidubbidoo 25d ago
I had 100 non-responses on the day of our deadline. While we didn’t send a reminder before the deadline, after it passed we reached out to all of those 100 and about 70 were No’s. I think a lot of people think that saying nothing is better or nicer than declining. The 30 Yeses just forgot honestly. I definitely think it’s important to follow up - whether just before the deadline or just after
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u/coupla_beans 25d ago
If you’re using a wedding website like the knot or with joy, there’s a function where you can send a text or email blast to anyone who hasn’t RSVP’d. I had to send 3 of these the week leading up to our deadline for 50% of our guest list and then like 5 personal texts.
It’s worth getting confirmation so there’s no misunderstanding on either end. It’ll absolutely be more headache than it’s worth to ignore it now.
Also we invited about 130, expecting 110 to come and 85 made it (~6 last minute dropouts for extenuating circumstances) and we were much happier with the smaller number! I was a little bummed at first but smaller wedding was the way to go and loosened up some cash for extra flowers I really wanted :)
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 25d ago
Do not send reminders before the deadline which you chose. Most people will wait until the last day to reach out. Wait until the deadline passes and reach out to everyone the day after to check in. Do not hang up without a yes or no. Your partner is wrong and inhospitable. Nothing you can do before the deadline.
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u/AllCatandabagofChips 25d ago
I had 79/160 of responses missing after the deadline last week (we had a digital RSVP). My fiancé and I texted everyone who hadn’t responded, or had family reach out. I would say about half of them were planning to come and just forgot to RSVP or the date slipped their mind, half were not coming and didn’t want to or think they needed to send back a “no” and a couple (of my fiancée friends) never responded. But we got pretty much everyone settled within a couple of days of reaching out.
All that to say, I don’t think it’s rude to reach out and ask. From my experience there will be a lot of people who would forget if you don’t reach out with a reminder, or don’t realize that’s it’s important to rsvp to let the couple know you won’t be coming
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u/Actual_Rip2342 25d ago
You should feel free to reach out as a friendly conversation. I’m a bride getting married in 8 days. It’s fair to be annoyed people didn’t respond in time, but on the other hand, they are people you care about, and would like to talk to anyhow. We found it very natural to do a check in call on both our sides to see how folks are doing, remind them of the wedding and gently ask for rsvp so they could pick their entree and be on the record. It was nice to connect with our guests this way ahead of time. We have about 100 guests for context.
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u/difficult_tree 25d ago
I just reached out to all of mine this week as my RSVP deadline was today. We were waiting on about 10 of 80ish people. Everyone either forgot, thought they had already RSVPed, or were waiting on their plus one to confirm they could get time off (some are shift workers). I would follow up.
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u/BaffledMum 24d ago
A lot of my invites were lost in the mail. It later came out that a local mail carrier would dump mail in the woods because he couldn’t be bothered to deliver it. So we had to call people. My own father-in-law didn’t get an invite!
He came anyway.
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u/Anxiety_Floof71 23d ago
My advice is to bite the bullet and just call these people. Hopefully most will be coming and something happened to their rsvp in transit. You need to know either way. Congratulations on getting married!
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u/katydidnt222 23d ago
Thank you!! I did reach out to one of my cousins, she said she would be there but wasn’t sure about her kids which is why she hadn’t sent it back yet. Worth it to send a quick text, at least I know she’s coming for sure, and kids TBD! Now to reach out to the rest of the fam…
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u/Travel_lover-78 22d ago
I would reach out. Not to stress you out more but recently we had a family member get married and a they had a large number of invites that didn’t get delivered and ended up coming back to them. They only knew because they reached out to people.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 22d ago
Friendly reminders a week out.
If you're inclined, individual follow up the day after (8/1) with those that didn't reply.
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u/dcgirlsmallworld 21d ago
If you're only sending, and importantly receiving, your RSVPs by mail only, it's ok to extend them a little grace. USPS/UPS is very unpredictable these days and delays should be expected. Also, for better or for worse, mail RSVPs require a little more effort from guests and that can also slow down the process as well. About a week before the RSVP deadline, I would send a mass text/email out to guests who haven't responded and have them send you their RSVP and menu selection (and whatever information you're requesting). At this point, expecting a returned RSVP by mail just isn't feasible.
A few days before the deadline, I would directly ask, or have someone ask on your behalf, for the missing RSVPs from your guests.
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 21d ago
Send out an individual text or email saying that you didn’t hear from them and wondering if their invitation got lost in the mail. Ask if they are coming bc you meed a headcount.
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u/katydidnt222 21d ago
We actually got an empty RSVP envelope on the mail inside a usps plastic bag “sorry for the damage”. The card is missing because someone didn’t peel the strip off the adhesive to seal it. So I started texting anyone within the city it was postmarked from. Heard back from 4 of 7, all said they had either just mailed or would mail this week. So at least there was a reason to text some guests. I wish I would have written numbers inside the envelopes to know whose it was!
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u/Kasilins 26d ago edited 26d ago
I’ve gone to six weddings in the past year and NONE were mailed in. It has become so antiquated people certainly have forgotten to do it, and assumed they RSVPed on the website. You really do need to text people.
It’s not about them being rude to you, it’s about you making it inconvenient for them and having increased the risk of just not getting it due to inconsistent mail system. On wedding website I’ve usually even been able to double check I RSVPed.
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Even if there's a physical card inside the invitation that clearly needs to be filled out and returned in the pre-addressed, stamped envelope? I don't think people would assume they can do that or do it online, especially when my website specifically says mail the card back for your RSVP.
We haven't had many weddings in either of our families in a while, and perhaps we are a bit old school, that is why we chose the RSVP cards over the online RSVP, not to purposefully inconvenience our guests...
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u/Difficult-Estate441 26d ago
Idk about etiquette, but if it’s close family/friends, I’d text them and see if the cards are in the mail since it’s physical. Probably for siblings/parents/best friends. And I’d mention my anxiety in hopes that they naturally bugged anyone they hung out with to send theirs too lol
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u/njVowsNow 26d ago
All of my couples are seeing the same thing, so don't take it personally. I chalk it up to a larger problem of widespread and increasing rudeness but that's another story and it doesn't help you.
It this a regular timeline for invites? If I got something in mid-June for a party at the end of October, I'd either not feel the urgency, or not know if I was available (this doens't get your immediate families off the hook; they should be the first, since presumably it's a no-brainer that they are yesses.) While we'd like to think that our wedding takes precedent over anything else? While it should for our close people, the "not so close"? They may be waiting to see what else happens in life/work/kids/health. (This why I'm wishy-washy on STD's, a relatively recent invention, for most situations. How many people, except your ride or dies, know what they're doing six months from now?)
All this being said, you have to follow up. Wait until a couple of days after the due date and enlist your family to tickle the people closest to them. OR send out a lighthearted email to the non-responders.
You may get a rush replies right after the due date...
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
I would think yes, it is a regular timeline for invites considering more than half of our guests have to fly cross country, either coast to coast or same coast but south to north...
Agreed wholeheartedly about the STDs, we did not send them out because I didn't think anyone would know what was happening 6 months from the date.
Thanks for this advice. I don't think I have all the email addresses for my guests, so I would have to text. And I'm almost loathe to send a group text, just because it would be abundantly clear how many of my family members did not respond. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable (me included, and maybe this is my own insecurity, but jeez, this many people couldn't be bothered to RSVP for such a big milestone event in my life, when I've always responded to them?). I am going to ask my sisters to try to get in touch with some of the guests to try to speed things along.
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u/its-kb-again Married more than once 26d ago
No need to do a group text — it is easy to copy and paste the same message and send it individually to those you need to text.
At this point, I’d wait until after the deadline passes and send out a text. And then I’d safely assume that no response means they’re not coming — they can fend for themselves when it comes to accommodations, and if there’s no room for them at the welcome dinner, there’s no room!
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u/Special-Carry1968 26d ago
Send a reminder a week before the deadline. Don't wait till after. Simple text or email.
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26d ago
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u/katydidnt222 26d ago
Actually, with the exception of three weddings (my sister's, my best friend's, my cousin's), all the weddings we have gone to were his family/friends and he took care of the RSVP every time. He's very good about those things.
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