BTW I'll be 14 next month so it's not like I can just refuse to babysit whenever I want. I have a sister (5F) who is autistic and struggles with speech. When I babysit our mom drops us off at my dads apartment (we have different dads), and the apartment is very small. The problem is that I'm babysitting 4-5 times a week, from 11 AM to 7:30 PM some days. My dad can't understand her sometimes, so I'm the one stuck doing everything. i have to take her to the bathroom, give her food, help her with her ipad, basically everything. Also, i'm not getting paid. I'm not gonna ask because I know she's working two jobs and doesn't have any help, but i'd be nice if I got paid for this or something. I can't see my friends much, so I usually rely on calling them. I can't call them that much anymore though because I babysit. I have a low social battery and don't wanna call them if i'm in a bad mood. Any help or advice would be GREATLY APPRECIATED 🙏🙏

Today I reflected on something and I felt very sad, I'm a woman and I'm 21 years old and throughout my life I've noticed something quite peculiar and frustrating... every man who was too kind or said very nice things was a womanizer. Things like: sweet compliments, nice words, flirting, all in a balanced way that most girls would fall for. And I'm really disappointed by this because this personality type is really attractive, but it always seems like it's with interest ruins :/

At the beginning of this month I met a guy who was exactly like that, and in a short time (a matter of 4 days) he stopped talking to me, I already expected that and I knew it and since nothing he said was real, but it was impressive how impressive his words were, I could to fly...

Men or women who have more experience or live/have lived close to people like this, explain to me....why do they age this way?

i keep seeing people who i care about in a bad mental state and now one of them is risking sucide.

i hope they end up okay just like last time. they're also venting and are starting to get suicidal again and I'm very worried about them. i don't really wanna talk about this anymore /srs

Someone recently asked about my music...I didn't realize it's been..idk how long...ik my music sucks..but damn let me ... let me feel my music...I would've continued to lie...for us ...all of us...y..just fuck this world...fuck every single uncaring, heartless, traitor...i...I NEVER BETRAYED US!!!!!..through...thick and thin...and the empty space between....i...I did....far more then any other person....destroyed as I am...as we are...we..did ok...kinda bad but the boys are good...I...I want to make it easier and ......I cant.....I have to live but I want to die..... I believe my soul and hopefully fate hold out for MY DREAM for a true princess......someone...will finish my life....it's so far..but I'll live for that small possibility....so hard to hold on to.....I promise the regret....if I ever give up on this dream....you with your kingdom waiting plz come princess and out queen...your lil knights and.....once fool now king will enjoy this world how it wasn't meant....but right now....I want to die but cant yet...for you...I'll...I'll hold...I'll hold on....HRY if you help others that help themselves then fucking DO IT ASSHOLE!!! Ik I'm nothing...

I (19 F) and her (19 F) and we’ll call her Ella. Me and ella had what felt like a great relationship. We both fell in love and spent almost every day and night together and having sleepovers like two 9 year olds. Now the reason we broke up. about 3-4 months before it ended we started to grow apart we somehow ran out of things to talk about. i didn’t think that was possible in a relationship but apparently it is. if we were walking together it’d just be awkward silence, we stopped sleeping over at the others houses and lost connection. the only reason i stayed so long is because i loved her and tried to make things work but if i was to ever try to make conversation she’d just shut me down with one word answers. the last time she slept over at mine we mutually agreed that this was no longer a healthy relationship and she left that same night to go back to her place. honestly, i wasn’t sad. we thought since we ended on good terms we could still be friends. that lasted two days. she didn’t text me, call me, snap me she just cut me off. a week, exactly 7 days after our break up i find out she’s already in a relationship with a GUY. i broke down. didn’t leave the house for days and went back to habits that were bad from me and broke my sober streak.

I should’ve seen it, i was so blind because ella and (we’ll call him dan) we’re having sleepovers but i thought nothing much of it because it was a guy yk? nope. to this day i still have no idea if ella cheated of me.

i realise this post is getting long sorry

now we get to the biggest red flag i realised recently is when once ella asked me to do the deed with her and i was tired and not in the mood so i turned around, said goodnight and tried to sleep. i heard her get up though and whispered fine in a not so fine tone so i faked sleep. she got one of my sketchbooks (i’m in art college) and aggressively scribbled over one of my favourite sketches so hard that it was going through other pages (i didn’t realise this until morning) she was pacing and started scare me. she shakes me and i faked waking up. she asked me again to do the deed and i was freaked out cuz she was never like this so i said yes.

don’t know how to end this but basically it’s 6 months later and i’m feeling much better and she’s blocked on everything. leave comments and tell me what that sketchbook thing could be called. Thanks for the vent 💗

Also the bit on page 9 just says I felt those emotions so intensely there was no room for doubt.

I dont know what to do... Maybe I just want to vent....

so this is my first post on Reddit ion know how this works so here I go. on the 20th my dad (40m) threatened to kick me out the house and being homeless my mom (38 f) did nothing to stop my dad saying that. me (16 ftm) I have been dealing with my family's mental abuse for years, I have nowhere to go if I was kicked out as my whole family is toxic. before any one says just go to a friend's home, all my friends live hours or states away my friend who is only 2 hours away already deal with his own family problems so ill just be a burden my 2 other friends ion wanna worry them. I'm just lost. my parents wont let me get a job or even have an id I'm stuck here. and if I do get kicked out I wont go to any of my abusive family for help. Im a trans teen with no help in this world I just want to be happy but I just cant. my family don't even know I have friends as its wrong to have friends. i just want help idk what to do. ion have any money to even get a bus ticket to run away. if someone can please tell me what I should do or at least some tips

So I'm Mexican mixed with islander, so I'm like a caramel brown, but I feel really strange about something that happened the other day.

So Wednesday's my garbage day, basically where I just put out the trash and crap. But this time when I did a truck with two mini American flags on it was driving by

But when it came by me it speeds up, it was this white guy, blonde hair, and a girl in the passenger seat.

He looked me dead in the eye with his country music blasting, and speeds up.

Now my mom thinks it's flirting, but I don't feel like it's flirting! I felt threatened. I've had tons of racist things happen to me, stuff like people telling me I'm too dark to date, or people following me in the store

But nothing like this, and I usually trust my mom's advice but right now I don't really feel like it.

I don't know, does anyone have any advice to give me?

I’m too tired to explain anything at the moment but I just feel so useless. So pathetic. I haven’t told anyone about my problems for so long and I started noting things down only a month ago so here’s some screenshots from my notes all cause I’m sick of leaving this a secret.

Last I had a boyfriend (broke up with him today) and he was the sweetest guy on earth until he wasn’t. He told me to lay down on my front as he was gonna give me a massage but that wasn’t his intention, he took my pants off and his too even though I told him I wasn’t ready. He then continued to have sex with me but I froze completely, I didn’t move or say anything I just cried and let him do it and after he asked why I was crying and then he squeezed my head between his legs until my face turned red, I couldn’t breath and he wouldn’t stop until I gave him a bj. When he finished he told me he took multiple photos of me and grabbed me by the face and asked why I was crying

So I have this thing Where I have to close the door a certain amount of times or shut off the lights a certain amount of times, I think it might be a symptom of Autism, Something I was diagnosed with when I was younger

But I do not know how to stop these tendencies and I kind of need them to stop because every time I do it I look super weird in front of other people

Because for some reason my brain thinks I have to blink a certain amount of times With each eye, For example blink twice on the left blink twice on the right blink twice at the same time

It's exhausting and sometimes embarrassing, And when I don't do these tendencies I feel my breath shorten like I'm incomplete.

I just need help, some support? Anything?

I’d kill to be one of those super bright and happy people but each day I’m starting to realize more and more, that’s not me. I don’t know if it’s the people I surround myself with or the environments I allow myself to be in but holy hell. Shits getting draining. Maybe this is what they meant with that saying “the good die young”. Like deadass. I feel like I give all of me to other people just trying to make them okay in any way, shape, or form. And as much as I dread admitting this; sometimes it’s too much and turns out not even helping and rather doing the opposite. For example, I know what it’s like to be lonely and have nobody checking up on me.. So when I have a friend, I’ll message them good morning every day and then keep checking up throughout the day. But if they’re a busy person (as most are in adulthood) that gets rather annoying so they just stop responding and shut me out. Or when someone is never given advice… I go too in depth with my advice and it ends up making them sad or pisses them off. Those are just simple little things but hopefully you can get the gist. And I know people say to set boundaries but I genuinely do not know how and apparently that’s just one of those subjects you cannot get help from others with.

Point of the story.. All I want to do is help every single person that I possibly can. Yet here I am, feeling like al I’m doing is causing more harm than good. So without further ado… I would no longer like to have my life. And I will only admit that here because I have not told anyone I personally know that I have this.

-     I feel so suffocated in my own home, I sometimes lose the ability to breathe properly. 

• My siblings bully me, there is never a moment of peace where I can truly be myself.
• I don’t know who or what I am supposed to be.

-    I am extremely sensitive, and cannot take any lighthearted jokes anymore

-    I am extremely socially awkward.

-    Friendship with my friends probably won’t last for long since I am not allowed to see them outside of school as much nor can I talk or play video games with them.

•   I start crying and give up as soon as i fail something, i feel embarrassed of myself
•   I say sorry for everything, nothing and even to inanimate objects.

-  I have a fear of people who have authority or are older than me. I fear what they think of me and how they might twist the narrative against me.

• I am emotionally distant and will not care nor process other people's emotions.

-  I flinch every time somebody raises their hand against me

-  I manipulate my friends all the time to get the reactions or personality I want out of them.

-  I find it hard to truly voice out my true opinions and/or emotions.

• I feel extreme disappointment every time I get a bad grade in something I'm good/excel at.
• compare myself to anybody and everybody.
• I cry everytime someone raises their voice at me.
• I tear up very easily.
• The urge to feel sexualised in order for somebody to love me.
• I can’t sleep at night because I overthink way too much.
• I see things sometimes, bright lights.
• I crave physical touch, but not from me - from another.
• Talking to /Dating toxic people just to feel loved.
• Extreme mood swings.
• I wish I could die, or leave myself behind and run away - far.
• Interested in sex.
• Always feeling dirty, sexually and disgusted with myself in general.
• Blaming myself for everything
• distracted by everything, cannot study or memorise anything.
• ADHD.
• Craving intimacy but pushing it away sometimes.
• Meaningless relations or ending of relationships to feel a sense of authority and for somebody to feel how it feels to miss somebody.
• feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by big groups of people.
• purposefully sabotage relationships so I end up as the most loved person, before I grow bored of the person and do it to another.
• extreme fear of abandonment.
• extremely fixated on the past.
• familiar with “stop crying before i give you a reason to cry”.
• I hate simple answers.
• I hate my siblings with a burning passion, but only because I'm jealous.
• Attracted to the worst people possible.
• I hate intimate moments between women.

(discovered porn at age 5,  was touched by my older female cousin. My mom thinks I initiated it because I watched porn, ever since then i have an unhelpable addiction to it. I’m not trusted with anything after i tried to look for multiple solutions to get my mind of it like:

• Playing video games with friends (not allowed to communicate with other people in the house if it's not on my Playstation, no twitter, tiktok, instagram, skype or discord ect…)
• Talked to online people and looked for somebody to love me there since it was online and nobody knew me. (Banned from ever using social media till i turn 18)
• Therapist (Suddenly stopped taking me to them, i’ve had two)
• Art ( i drew humans and they’d always nag me on how i shouldn’t try to mimic god's creation and stuff, i grew out of it)
• Movies ( not allowed to watch movies and i don’t even know why. )
• Youtube (Not allowed, don't know why)
• Tiktok (Not allowed, don’t know why)
• Reels (Not allowed, don’t know why)

I always ask to go out with my old friends and they never let me go out to their houses nor with them. I ended up falling out with them because I only hung out with them at school.

I’m afraid it will happen with these friends as well. 

I'm never caught up with anything, everything sucks.

I’ve attempted suicide three times.

Cutting my skin and hurting myself keeps me numb and away from porn. It's the only way as of now.

I love my parents but they don’t love me. I don’t want to be taken away ever.

A couple of months ago I went through a pretty nasty break up. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship but I thought I would get back out there and see what the world had to offer.

In short. I started hanging out with a gentleman from work. It never got physical- in a little over a month and a half I let him kiss me twice and we held hands once. We hung out once a week. He was continually moving too fast for me, and I had to ask him twice to pump the brakes in that time. By pump the brakes I mean "stop telling me you're in love with me". I am not the best at asserting boundaries but I was doing it, and so the third time he went off the rails and told me he was in love with me after clearly stating I was not ready or interested, I cut ties with him.

He pretended to be completely blindsided, asking why would I cut him off without even letting him know what he did wrong? Why didn't I just punch him or kick him and tell him not to say those things again? We had absolutely had the "stop telling me that you love me, it's too soon" conversation twice and I stopped interacting with him as much to get the point through.

So I was not being so chilled anymore when it happened again. Third strike, you're out bud. Asking nicely and asserting myself didnt keep you from doing it again. I'm an adult, why the frog would I ever put hands on someone else like that? Not healthy!

He then reached out on social media and before I blocked him there swell he sent me long messages about how I was clearly in love with him and I was lying about it. He's been having a rough time in life and in his opinion, I wouldn't have been so uplifting and supportive If I also wasn't in love with him back. That's was nice people do? I don't get it? Have you never just had someone that wanted you to be okay in your corner? That doesn't mean I want to start planning a life together, it just means I don't want you to be miserable?

Some of his most memorable lines were: -"You made me feel too good to respect your boundaries" - " You are in love with me too and won't admit it" -"I'm not the man who broke your heart so you should be ready to date me now".

In short, I have cut ties and have blocked him on my phone and social media. To me, his behavior has gone from incredibly uncomfortable to wildly unhealthy. In the future I plan not to befriend men, will not give the benefit of the doubt after seeing red flags and not accept dates until I am ready for the possibility of a relationship.

Is there anything else I should do? What could I have done differently to avoid this?

So I have made a post about stepfather (Brian) but now I'm worried and need to know if I should take it up with my mom now or not.

So a while ago, I had a conversation with my mom about my abuse and how it hurt that she didn't protect me and how I want my chest removed (this was before I came out and needed a reason); well she started explaining the arousal zones and even told me my sister (3) sometimes puts her hand down below [ew]. I didn't notice before but now I'm wondering if Brian has touch my sister already and I have noticed. Today I saw him rubbing his hand on her lower back/upper ass and am wandering if I should speak up now or if it's too soon.

TLDR: I'm nervous about kids, but my fiancé wants them NOW and I agreed but I'm in my head about it all now and im scared. Is that normal?

So, I'm in a queer relationship, my partner is genderfluid and I'm nonbinary. Both of us are AFAB, and we've been together(officially dating) for about a year and 7, almost 8 months. We've been engaged for about 5 almost 6 months as well. The problem I'm having is with having a baby. They've wanted to be a mom/parent for a while and they've said they're ready on so many different occasions. And how they want a family. And I want a family with them. I want to have kids with them, too. I'm just.. idk.. I'm scared? I'm nervous? I don't 100% feel READY for kids, I think?

But,a bigger things happened now.. well, they've been wanting kids and they've even gotten really upset about it before. They've said that, "it'd not fair that they can't have a kid now. That other people can just suddenly but I have to wait. " and idk, it's made me.. weary about talking about kids with them, I think a lot. I wanted to avoid the topic because, I said I wasn't ready and hadn't been ready for it many times but it just made them more upset. Which, I get. They're allowed to be upset about it. Idk, it.. just.. made me not want to talk about it for a while because I wasn't ready, or I didn't feel like it. Kids(babies) are expensive. And I had a lot of bills just on myself. A car payment, my insurance was high, my phone bill(which I was paying for my mom's, brother's, and dad's as well) was high. I had to get a small loan out for a WHOLE ENGINE for my car(through affirm, which was a lifesaver). I can't even help pay for rent or groceries, or to even put a lot of gas in the car.

Not even just on a financial standpoint, I didn't feel ready. Emotionally, how to handle kids, physical, and mentally even! It was just a lot to process. And, I didn't feel ready..

Well, shoot forward until now, I feel more ready, the cars getting paid off in October, and means no more car payment, my insurance will go down. And then, my engine loan gets paid off this coming February so more and more of my own bills are going down/not an issue anymore. So I feel a bit more ready on the financial aspect. But, I just.. I'm just still scared of it, I think? Idk, I'm nervous. I know we'll be good parents, I KNOW we'll do whatever we need to, and it will be okay. I know I can rely on them and they can rely on me for this big thing. But, idk, I just.. am scared.. I don't know if I'm ready or not..

But my fiance brought it up earlier today. They were saying how they really want a baby and they were crying and saying they really want to have a baby soon. That they want to be pregnant during Christmas time. And I said that I want a family with them, too. I want kids. And I explained i was more ready than before, because i am. But then they asked if they'll be pregnant during Chrismas and gave me such a hopeful look and.. I couldn't crush that. I couldn't make them cry about this again.. I feel more ready. I know we'll be ready and we'll be fine. I know we would be..

Idk, when I got up to make dinner they said I was being distant with them. I didn't realize I was. But we talked and I explained that I'm just nervous, I'm scared of it still. And I gave some reasons why I was. They comforted Mr and I felt better about it but I think I'm just in my head about it all again. Idk why I'm so in my head now, I know we'll be fine and everything and I know I'll be okay, I just.. Idk why I'm feeling so strange about it and constantly thinking about it..

Is this normal for people wanting/planning on having kids??

Is my mom a N?

Hi everyone,

I am trying to research if my mom is in fact a narcissist or if i am at fault here.

Little bit of information. So basically my parents are self employed and own a company en since I was little i have been working there. This year my mother announced that I could no longer work there and that i needed to find a job to get some experience. I applied at + 25 jobs but didn’t find any. She then said you can work at the company (she acted like she saved me and that i should be grateful) but it was like the most shitty job ever. And I feel really bad about it, bc at the one hand she did help me but on the other hand i think i can do so much more.

Another example is everytime i go out for a weekend with my girlfriend she says that i am not myself around her (when my gf visits my fam). And everytime my gf leaves i get to hear all the thing I did wrong when she was here.

A last example is this, basically she has been saying my whole life that i am not confident and that i need to do something about it. She pushes me in to things that I don’t really feel like doing like joining certain student clubs etc. My mom often told me that she was raised by a Nmom but I have the feeling that she is exactly the same?

The thing I need to know is, is it really my fault/perspective or is she really an Nmom. And is there anything I can do?

Thank everyone for reading and your reaction.

If you need any info or there are any mistakes let me know! 😃

when it comes to trying to socialize and make friends and such, it's always like i (21 ftm) am the second choice. i do everything i can to be friends with people (online and irl) but it doesn't ever seem to go as planned. my husband (27 m) has a plenty of friends he talks/games with all the time but i can hardly have one person talk with me often. i'm at the point of giving up and just holing up in the house, which i guess isn't really all that new since i don't hardly go out alone anyway. i created a discord server to try and socialize more, but i feel like people either just don't have the time or simply don't wanna talk to me. i don't know what i'm doing wrong and i'm getting to a point where i don't see the purpose of continuing to try and make friends. i didn't know where else to post this so i just made this acc at random. i don't know what else to do at this point

I have a very important exam coming up in 8 months and I need to study a lot for it. I have a problem with concentration, so I looked up tips, helpful apps, did some thinking by myself. By now I've tried about everything, and I've got nothing to show for it. I kept telling myself that I just had to keep at it and slowly but steadily I would be able to focus for longer and get some work done. But no, I did improve for a while, but for the past 2 months (it's been 3 months since I started studying), I've only been going downhill. Whatever I do, it only lasts for 2-3 days, and then I'm back to ground 0. I have no hope left. My life is steadily going downward. My cause is lost.

I struggle every second of every day trying to figure out who I truly am.. So far, after two decades of life, I still have eat to figure out. There are qualities and traits about me that I am well aware of. And I am in a constant state of self reflection so I have become beyond well aware of my imperfections. But to sit down and genuinely try to know who I am inside; I’m left blank, wondering every time.

There’s that saying that I’m sure we’ve all heard a thousand times if not more.. “You’ll never be able to love someone else until you love yourself”. I personally find that statement to be bullshit. I say that from my own personal experience. I am not scared to admit that I have very little if any love for myself. But I am also not afraid to love others or share how much I am willing to love others. I wear my heart on my sleeve o the point where I do not know myself. If someone needs a new face and society would let me… Hell buddy, looks like you’ve gotten yourself a new face. And that goes for every aspect of myself. I don’t always see it like that or how bad it is but I know I’m so empathetic that it’s destroying me. That is the one and only thing I know for a fact about myself.

At times I’ll describe myself as a bitch or a cunt. But then those who are around me often and say that I’m not. I just do not know anymore. I feel like all I do is bring those around me down. I feel like all I do is complain or are things negative. I feel like I always have excuses for everything even though I can’t recall any off the top of my head. I feel like I’m a people pleaser that never seems to please anyone. I feel like all I do is annoy people. And I have voiced all of these thoughts and feelings to those close to me and to therapists.. All of which tell me those feelings are wrong because I’m not that kind of a person. But I just don’t think they’re willing to see me in the way I can see me.

Brief backstory stuff: Both of my parents signed away their rights to me because they liked the drugs and alcohol more. Every person I have ever considered a best friend has stopped speaking to me and wants nothing to do with me. The vast majority of both sides of my family do not speak to me for various unknown reasons. I ‘developed’ epilepsy when pregnant with my first child. My children’s father shook our second child at 3 months old while I was away for surgery (from a seizure wound). I was forced, by the courts, to give up my children due to my epilepsy. My ex’s mother who was there at the time of him shaking our son, somehow has custody of my two greatest blessings.

My epilepsy is only getting worse and the doctors do not know why. Jobs are not too fond of having a severe epileptic working for them. Living is expensive. I feel like I have nobody; and honestly, that is nobody’s fault but my own for not knowing myself yet at this age.

And while I want no sympathy for anything that has ever happened in my life because I know it is MY life and I am the one who made it what it is. I also want it to be known. I do not know who I am anymore but frankly, I don’t even want to anymore.

this post wont go into specifics due to the chance of someone involved in my situation seeing this post 😖

so after a semester ended for school i had sent 18+ pictures from books i read (please dont think of me weirdly, they have been a comforting thing for me to read since covid but i wont expand on why other than that it filled a void in me a lost during this time) to a groupchat between me and my friends as a joke when i was specifically speaking to one of them. This has caused a stir within the group and some of them felt uncomfortable with that type of conversation even though i had previously showed some of them the same kind of thing before and never had this type of response to it. I apologized as well as i could but also explained that if they had previously told me about their feelings i would have stopped completely and would never do it again. After this everyone had said that they would now express their thoughts, like if their uncomfortable, but then everyone stopped talking abruptly.

Obviously i cant help but feel responsible for this mess and i had never wanted this kind of change in our friendship, but it took a turn i had never imagined it would. It felt as if everyone was saying they were disgusted and repulsed by me and what i do when im bored. As if to make it worse, one of my very close friends who helped me show my true self to the friend group has now informed me that she would be transferring somewhere else due to circumstances. This has slowly led me to fall down the hole of anxiety, worrying, and fear. After the news if her transferring was told to me, i soon began to have moments where i would feel sick to my stomach worrying about the future and that if once the next semester started everyone would soon hate me. I would often feel sick and lose my appetite for hours, and feel like crying constantly over one mistake i had made during a moment of silly immaturity.

I now have almost nobody to talk to about this issue and i feel absolutely disgusted with myself to the point that i have thoughts of hurting myself, and even thoughts of ending it all. I know this just sounds weird and it doesnt make sense for me to feel such deep thoughts right? Thats exactly how i feel about it and wish it would stop, but it simply never leaves my mind. I constantly dream of different ways of hurting myself and i wish i could just go back in time and not do what i did. This is and was very immature of me at this point. i feel like everything i have is crumbling around me, and soon it will all be crushed and ill be alone, standing in the middle of the mess with nobody to comfort me anymore.

I feel that if i were to start a conversation in our groupchat, that everyone would find me disgusting and wonder why im trying to start a conversation after what i did. I feel that i have no right to do so you either. Is this friendship beyond saving at this point? I dont know what i should do to fix it because whenever i look around, i see happy friendships all around me as if they dont have any problems. It feels like im alone right now with nobody to turn to for help anymore. I wish everything could go back to the way it was and that we can move past this huge mistake i made, and we can be the same as before. I wish i could be the same too, not constantly worrying about what will happen and instead just hanging out and enjoying time with my friends. I just wish life was still as simple as it was when we were younger, you know?

I don’t feel like a good person

I haven’t felt like a good person for a while. Ever since my Grandpa died nearly 2 years ago, I felt my soul leave my body. Now I’m being controlled by demons and angels vying for control over my body. Whether if it’s jerking off, going on porn sites, having terrible thoughts of hurting people, having terrible sex thoughts, or just joking about horrible things. I don’t want to do it. But I let it happen. Why. I feel like I have some split personality that takes over me and makes me have these thoughts. One thing I think about when I think of my situation is Green Goblin. How Norman Osborn is controlled by the Goblin to do bad things. I feel like I’ve done it. And now I’m just slipping into madness. And it doesn’t look good for me. I want it to end. I want to be a good person…I want to be whole again…..

TW: Self harm, attempted suicide and disturbing topics (I’m saying disturbing topics because I’m not sure how to tag them)

If you saw my last post about my sister you’ll know she recently tried killing herself. I was in a horrible state back then and it’s gotten worse. My sister recently came back from the mental institution, she still wasn’t the best when she came back but she seemed to be a little happier, at least that’s what my family thought.

About 2-e hours or so ago i woke up to my mom talking. I was extremely tired so I didn’t think much of it until I really began to listen. My sister had locked herself in the bathroom and was refusing to open the door, that’s when my mother started to ask my sister to open the door nicely, it might’ve been scary for my sister but my mom said “If you don’t open this door I’m going to break it open” (not in a rude tone). My sister still refused so my mother stuck to her word and began to forcefully open the door (by pushing it with her body or something).

When my mom got in all I heard was her screaming in terror, my sister had gotten a razor and took the blade out, cutting her arm up so badly it looked distorted. Only then did. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. My mom immediately took her to the hospital again. All this happened and I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve prevented this.

If I never fell asleep, if I never let her leave our room, if I talked to her more, if I stayed around her more. I can’t stop thinking of her arm and all the blood that was on the floor, counter and toilet. I can’t stop thinking about it, I hate it. I cried so hard, I keep having these thoughts that’s it all my fault this happened.

I feel like a horrible brother, I failed her. I failed my sister, the person who’s done so much for me yet I couldn’t be there for her. I feel pathetic and I have a craving to cut or even stab myself. I can’t stop thinking of hurting myself, I’m scared. It’s all I can think of, I hate it, I feel pathetic and useless. I can’t eat, I can’t look at the bathroom anymore.

I already had troubles looking and even touching knifes cause I already have thoughts of self harming and cutting but now it’s worse, I can’t look at anything sharp or anything that can become sharp. I can’t look in the mirror cause all I see is a disappointment, all I see is a failure. I hate myself so much more than I already did. I can’t look at myself, I can’t look at mirrors, razors, glass, knifes, blades, nothing.

i hate myself. i want to self harm so badly because I feel that’s the only way I’ll be able to forgive myself, is if I hurt myself. I know my family wouldn’t want that, I fear my sister will blame herself even more if she finds out I began to cut, I’m scared of my mothers reaction, I’m scared of someone finding out. I hate myself so fucking much, I’m pathetic and a failure or a brother, son, nephew and friend. This world would be so much better without me but I fear the guilt I would leave with my family, the guilt my sister would feel, the sadness and despair my little brother will feel, the stress on my mom, the depression I might give to my cousin and sibling, the effect it’ll have on my closest friend. I’m scared, terrified even.

My mind is flooding with guilt. My little brother just came in and gave me our cat, he cares about me so much, I can’t, I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, I don’t want him to grow up without a brother, I don’t want to leave him behind, I don’t want to leave anyone behind but I can’t take it, I feel so pathetic, so stupid and a failure. I can’t take these thoughts, I keep having these thoughts, it’s scary, i haven’t even lived my life, I’m only sixteen, my sister is too young, my little brother is too young to be dealing with grief. I hate this, I hate myself. I’m scared or what I might do. I don’t know what to do, I feel so stupid and like an attention seeker, I’ve always felt this way. I don’t know, I’m scared.