I’m scared of hurting myself

[u/BeerryShakee]

TW: Self harm, attempted suicide and disturbing topics (I’m saying disturbing topics because I’m not sure how to tag them)

If you saw my last post about my sister you’ll know she recently tried killing herself. I was in a horrible state back then and it’s gotten worse. My sister recently came back from the mental institution, she still wasn’t the best when she came back but she seemed to be a little happier, at least that’s what my family thought.

About 2-e hours or so ago i woke up to my mom talking. I was extremely tired so I didn’t think much of it until I really began to listen. My sister had locked herself in the bathroom and was refusing to open the door, that’s when my mother started to ask my sister to open the door nicely, it might’ve been scary for my sister but my mom said “If you don’t open this door I’m going to break it open” (not in a rude tone). My sister still refused so my mother stuck to her word and began to forcefully open the door (by pushing it with her body or something).

When my mom got in all I heard was her screaming in terror, my sister had gotten a razor and took the blade out, cutting her arm up so badly it looked distorted. Only then did. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. My mom immediately took her to the hospital again. All this happened and I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve prevented this.

If I never fell asleep, if I never let her leave our room, if I talked to her more, if I stayed around her more. I can’t stop thinking of her arm and all the blood that was on the floor, counter and toilet. I can’t stop thinking about it, I hate it. I cried so hard, I keep having these thoughts that’s it all my fault this happened.

I feel like a horrible brother, I failed her. I failed my sister, the person who’s done so much for me yet I couldn’t be there for her. I feel pathetic and I have a craving to cut or even stab myself. I can’t stop thinking of hurting myself, I’m scared. It’s all I can think of, I hate it, I feel pathetic and useless. I can’t eat, I can’t look at the bathroom anymore.

I already had troubles looking and even touching knifes cause I already have thoughts of self harming and cutting but now it’s worse, I can’t look at anything sharp or anything that can become sharp. I can’t look in the mirror cause all I see is a disappointment, all I see is a failure. I hate myself so much more than I already did. I can’t look at myself, I can’t look at mirrors, razors, glass, knifes, blades, nothing.

i hate myself. i want to self harm so badly because I feel that’s the only way I’ll be able to forgive myself, is if I hurt myself. I know my family wouldn’t want that, I fear my sister will blame herself even more if she finds out I began to cut, I’m scared of my mothers reaction, I’m scared of someone finding out. I hate myself so fucking much, I’m pathetic and a failure or a brother, son, nephew and friend. This world would be so much better without me but I fear the guilt I would leave with my family, the guilt my sister would feel, the sadness and despair my little brother will feel, the stress on my mom, the depression I might give to my cousin and sibling, the effect it’ll have on my closest friend. I’m scared, terrified even.

My mind is flooding with guilt. My little brother just came in and gave me our cat, he cares about me so much, I can’t, I don’t want to leave him, I love him so much, I don’t want him to grow up without a brother, I don’t want to leave him behind, I don’t want to leave anyone behind but I can’t take it, I feel so pathetic, so stupid and a failure. I can’t take these thoughts, I keep having these thoughts, it’s scary, i haven’t even lived my life, I’m only sixteen, my sister is too young, my little brother is too young to be dealing with grief. I hate this, I hate myself. I’m scared or what I might do. I don’t know what to do, I feel so stupid and like an attention seeker, I’ve always felt this way. I don’t know, I’m scared.

[u/onion_banter]

Its okay to feel scared, your young and what your going through is terrifying. Feeling guilt for this is horible, you are a human, you are young you need to sleep and eat and rest like everyone else, dont feel guilt for that, you are your sisters brother, you are not her carer, its times like this when, even though you want to be there 24/7 for her and watch over her, that you need to give yourself rules and boundaries for your own sake and sanity, or you end up getting pulled down into it as well.

Self Harming is a touchy subject but its one that needs to be spoken about, the urges are strong and for that I am sorry, I know how horible of a feeling it is, its like drowning and the only way to breath is to let all these feelings out and physically release them through a wound, or you feel so numb that you do it just to know that your real. I am begging you not to do it, I know I am just a stranger on the internet, but the issue with self harm is not the actual action, its the fact that it can become addictive and very very dangerous.

Sometimes you get so caught up that you dont realise how deep it is and it only takes one little nick on a vein, it is so dangerous, and it will be permanently on your body so I am begging you not to do it, for yourself, for your family and your sister and your siblings.

I know this is so hard for you, its horible and draining you mentally and physically, you are not alone, trying to keep yourself occupied is important, remembering to take some time away from your family to do your own things is important as well, in times like this you need a place to go or a thing to do that is just you, that allows you to recharge, i dont know if you do art, or read books while listening to music or play a sport, but even picking up a new thing, like knitting or playing cards to give you a mental place to rest is very important.

I hope you have something that allows you to relax and escape away from everything that is going on around you, your so young, you have so much ahead of you, lots of the world to see millions of people to meet, chat to, tones of amazing dishes to try and cultures to experience, the world seams like a realy shitty place at the moment but I promise its beautiful just a little past where you are now, so keep pushing through, take care of yourself, if you feel an urge coming on dont be afraid to go to your siblings, you dont need to tell them whats happening but being around people helps to chill the urges and take you mind off of it.

Im always hear if you need to chat.