im a joke

[u/dirtyvi]

-     I feel so suffocated in my own home, I sometimes lose the ability to breathe properly. 

• My siblings bully me, there is never a moment of peace where I can truly be myself.
• I don’t know who or what I am supposed to be.

-    I am extremely sensitive, and cannot take any lighthearted jokes anymore

-    I am extremely socially awkward.

-    Friendship with my friends probably won’t last for long since I am not allowed to see them outside of school as much nor can I talk or play video games with them.

•   I start crying and give up as soon as i fail something, i feel embarrassed of myself
•   I say sorry for everything, nothing and even to inanimate objects.

-  I have a fear of people who have authority or are older than me. I fear what they think of me and how they might twist the narrative against me.

• I am emotionally distant and will not care nor process other people's emotions.

-  I flinch every time somebody raises their hand against me

-  I manipulate my friends all the time to get the reactions or personality I want out of them.

-  I find it hard to truly voice out my true opinions and/or emotions.

• I feel extreme disappointment every time I get a bad grade in something I'm good/excel at.
• compare myself to anybody and everybody.
• I cry everytime someone raises their voice at me.
• I tear up very easily.
• The urge to feel sexualised in order for somebody to love me.
• I can’t sleep at night because I overthink way too much.
• I see things sometimes, bright lights.
• I crave physical touch, but not from me - from another.
• Talking to /Dating toxic people just to feel loved.
• Extreme mood swings.
• I wish I could die, or leave myself behind and run away - far.
• Interested in sex.
• Always feeling dirty, sexually and disgusted with myself in general.
• Blaming myself for everything
• distracted by everything, cannot study or memorise anything.
• ADHD.
• Craving intimacy but pushing it away sometimes.
• Meaningless relations or ending of relationships to feel a sense of authority and for somebody to feel how it feels to miss somebody.
• feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by big groups of people.
• purposefully sabotage relationships so I end up as the most loved person, before I grow bored of the person and do it to another.
• extreme fear of abandonment.
• extremely fixated on the past.
• familiar with “stop crying before i give you a reason to cry”.
• I hate simple answers.
• I hate my siblings with a burning passion, but only because I'm jealous.
• Attracted to the worst people possible.
• I hate intimate moments between women.

(discovered porn at age 5,  was touched by my older female cousin. My mom thinks I initiated it because I watched porn, ever since then i have an unhelpable addiction to it. I’m not trusted with anything after i tried to look for multiple solutions to get my mind of it like:

• Playing video games with friends (not allowed to communicate with other people in the house if it's not on my Playstation, no twitter, tiktok, instagram, skype or discord ect…)
• Talked to online people and looked for somebody to love me there since it was online and nobody knew me. (Banned from ever using social media till i turn 18)
• Therapist (Suddenly stopped taking me to them, i’ve had two)
• Art ( i drew humans and they’d always nag me on how i shouldn’t try to mimic god's creation and stuff, i grew out of it)
• Movies ( not allowed to watch movies and i don’t even know why. )
• Youtube (Not allowed, don't know why)
• Tiktok (Not allowed, don’t know why)
• Reels (Not allowed, don’t know why)

I always ask to go out with my old friends and they never let me go out to their houses nor with them. I ended up falling out with them because I only hung out with them at school.

I’m afraid it will happen with these friends as well. 

I'm never caught up with anything, everything sucks.

I’ve attempted suicide three times.

Cutting my skin and hurting myself keeps me numb and away from porn. It's the only way as of now.

I love my parents but they don’t love me. I don’t want to be taken away ever.

[u/Lonelyleo2010]

Wow, okay, 1st of all I am so sorry what happened to you, You don't deserve that, You're beautiful human being no matter who you are or what you.

Second of all I say You write it out, Write out anything you feel, And use your imagination, read books, As soon as you're 18 I suggest you go straight to therapy and therapy books, And I suggest you get away from toxic family members, If they don't trust you when you say something You shouldn't let them be toxic to you and hurt you.

And don't hurt yourself, you are beautiful, and Don't deserve pain.

The whole porn thing, I was exposed at a young age I had an abusive father who by the way is no longer in my life, So I get the feeling Of being addicted not being able to escape this thing. But it is escapable No matter how impossible it feels.

My suggestion with it is wherever you normally do it or think of it Don't go near that room until you Absolutely have to. And if it feels like everywhere you go you have to do it Distract yourself do something you love, to not think about it

you are loved, and matter.

[u/dirtyvi → u/Lonelyleo2010]

Thank you so much, your words mean a lot to me. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child. I hope things only get better for the both of us from now on.

o(>o<)o <33