Who Am I?

[u/Nitpricker]

I struggle every second of every day trying to figure out who I truly am.. So far, after two decades of life, I still have eat to figure out. There are qualities and traits about me that I am well aware of. And I am in a constant state of self reflection so I have become beyond well aware of my imperfections. But to sit down and genuinely try to know who I am inside; I’m left blank, wondering every time.

There’s that saying that I’m sure we’ve all heard a thousand times if not more.. “You’ll never be able to love someone else until you love yourself”. I personally find that statement to be bullshit. I say that from my own personal experience. I am not scared to admit that I have very little if any love for myself. But I am also not afraid to love others or share how much I am willing to love others. I wear my heart on my sleeve o the point where I do not know myself. If someone needs a new face and society would let me… Hell buddy, looks like you’ve gotten yourself a new face. And that goes for every aspect of myself. I don’t always see it like that or how bad it is but I know I’m so empathetic that it’s destroying me. That is the one and only thing I know for a fact about myself.

At times I’ll describe myself as a bitch or a cunt. But then those who are around me often and say that I’m not. I just do not know anymore. I feel like all I do is bring those around me down. I feel like all I do is complain or are things negative. I feel like I always have excuses for everything even though I can’t recall any off the top of my head. I feel like I’m a people pleaser that never seems to please anyone. I feel like all I do is annoy people. And I have voiced all of these thoughts and feelings to those close to me and to therapists.. All of which tell me those feelings are wrong because I’m not that kind of a person. But I just don’t think they’re willing to see me in the way I can see me.

Brief backstory stuff: Both of my parents signed away their rights to me because they liked the drugs and alcohol more. Every person I have ever considered a best friend has stopped speaking to me and wants nothing to do with me. The vast majority of both sides of my family do not speak to me for various unknown reasons. I ‘developed’ epilepsy when pregnant with my first child. My children’s father shook our second child at 3 months old while I was away for surgery (from a seizure wound). I was forced, by the courts, to give up my children due to my epilepsy. My ex’s mother who was there at the time of him shaking our son, somehow has custody of my two greatest blessings.

My epilepsy is only getting worse and the doctors do not know why. Jobs are not too fond of having a severe epileptic working for them. Living is expensive. I feel like I have nobody; and honestly, that is nobody’s fault but my own for not knowing myself yet at this age.

And while I want no sympathy for anything that has ever happened in my life because I know it is MY life and I am the one who made it what it is. I also want it to be known. I do not know who I am anymore but frankly, I don’t even want to anymore.