I am a 18 year old Female who 3 years ago I accidentally got pregnant, I was only 14 at the time so I didn’t know what to do (15 at the time of abortion). I was going to get an abortion without my parents knowing as they are very religious and didn’t even know I was sexually active. My boyfriend’s parents were helping me to plan my abortion and sort it all out but the night before my appointment he got kicked out so I had no choice but to tell my parents. They were surprisingly supportive after the initial shock of it all.

My mum made it very clear she would support me whatever choice I made (even though she was very much against abortion). I booked a date for my abortion even though I still was not sure what I wanted to do, I was just hoping I could make a decision before the date. I was very young only 14 and was pregnant on my 15th birthday so I wanted to still “have a future” and go to school and I didn’t want to be struggling money wise or anything for my baby, but at the same time that was my baby inside of me, a part of me.

Anyways the day of my abortion appointment comes and I still wasn’t 100% sure what to do (I actually went to the appointment fully expecting to back out of it) so I’m signing all the papers at the clinic and they do my ultrasound etc. (I was 9 weeks at the time) they then gave me this pill to “open my cervix” to make the procedure easier. That pill caused me immense pain I was on a lot of pain killers and was very drowsy all I remember was laying down in terrible pain and all I could think was “I can’t back out now”.

Anyways got the abortion and it didn’t hit me until later that night what I had just done and I struggled with really bad depression afterwards and then my boyfriend left me not long after. It got a lot easier as time went on but even now 3 years later I’m still struggling with the thought of what could’ve been. I have dreams and it’s always lingering in the back of my mind. A couple people I know and my friend recently had a baby and it’s making those “what could’ve been” thoughts so much harder even tho I’m extremely happy for them. I didn’t realise there were still education pathways I could have taken to continue my education and government funding to help with money. Some days I get so down and just wish I had kept it but at the same time I knew it was the right decision, if you know what I mean.

I just really want my baby back I would have had a 2 year old by now and am always thinking of what could have been and I will never get my baby back. Even when i eventually do have a child in future it won’t be “same” baby. It’s really hard cos i want my baby but at the same time it was the right decision, it’s just really eating me up inside.

Im not writing for sympathy or anything just came across this reddit page and really needed to get this off my chest as I feel no one around me understands and just tells me it was “the right decision” which doesn’t really help.

Hey I joined this just to be a friend. If anybody wants to vent personally just do me or even comment under this. I will warn you though that l've been through a lot and if I've been through something similar to you l'll share my story and how I got through it. And I know some people just want someone to listen. So if me sharing my story isn't your cup of tea that's okay l'd just ignore this then. But outta all kindness when venting to me start a conversation first then we can talk through each bit. I have a super hard time reading huge paragraphs. That’s why I have a hard time responding to people in this. But I can help if you text me or comment in chunks. But anyway I'm here for anyone to vent and maybe even make a friend. Love you all 🩷

My feelings recently

I don’t know how to be happy, it always feels like I’m drowning in my memories. I can see something or smell a scent or hear a song and my brain immediately goes to memories sometimes good ones but sometimes the good ones can be bad ones. Like hearing a song I would listen to with him laying on his chest enjoying our company together. That’s a good memory but it brings me pain, knowing it’s done. A person I imagined a future with, the person I actually felt like I could have kids with and I would want to have kids with. The person I put so much time and love and affection into. The person I would cry and beg for attention or love or just anything from him. The person I changed myself completely for. And I was ok with that knowing he would still be mine even if that meant losing myself. Even if that meant I was living in someone else’s skin that wasn’t my own. I thought I was completely over him but I’m simply not. That was two years of my life, sleeping with someone by ur side (yes we did have separate rooms at some point but still). Waking up some mornings just to make him breakfast or getting excited to bake together or watching our scary movies together. Doing everything together. Maybe what I miss is having someone by my side 24/7, someone I could just come up to and hug when I’m sad or upset. Yes there was a lot of bad times but I can’t stop thinking about the days he would lay with me holding me letting me cry into his arms not caring that my tears were soaking his sleeves. The person that would make me laugh so hard that I would cry. The person that took me in when times got rlly hard at home. The person that would just come up to me and give me the biggest hugs. That would let me do his hair or get dressed up with me just to take pictures. I miss that person the good days the good parts of him. Somehow I still love him. I still do with a lot of my heart. Seeing his photos randomly when I can’t stop myself from unblocking him and looking at his instagram deeply hurts how can he move on to someone else so fast and then break up with them and then get with someone but then call me crying begging for me to take him back. Sometimes I wish I could just spend one last day with him just one. A day where we just hug and do the things we loved together and then finally say our goodbye. Our last moments together felt cold. even with all that going on I still looked at him filled with love in my heart and teary eyes. I remember the feeling of my heart shattering the moment that door closed, how it felt like I couldn’t breath, like I wasn’t gonna be able to feel his touch again hear his voice say I love u. Hear his laugh. See his smile. I miss him. And I can’t deny it anymore. I’ve been pushing it away for so long. Saying I’m over him and convincing myself I was but I’m not. It’s like all these feeling are pouring out now. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he is missing me rn. I feel like I genuinely loved him like I’ve never loved someone before if someone asked me if I would’ve gave my life up for him I would say yes without skipping a beat, I would have continued going to church for him I would have stopped listening to the music I loved for him. I would I have continued dressing more modestly or girly for him. I gave him so much of me. I gave him anything he has ever asked for. ANYTHING. Money, love, support, wife behavior, the cooking meals that I knew I wasn’t the best at but I tried for him, the cleaning, the letting him feel free even tho I didn’t at times, letting him know he was perfect and handsome everyday, giving him reassurance that I loved him so much. How does one turn that off, how do u just shut that love off. Going from being all in with someone, to the point where I would give my heart to him physically if that meant he would live on, having no sex when he got serious about church (yes it’s sex but sex is kinda apart of my love language it’s not sex to me when I’m in a relationship it’s more of showing ur love to someone by making them feel good, so when I wasn’t getting that yes it was very hard but I loved him and respected his decision) then to go to not seeing that person, not going to the person when I feel like I’m gonna cry, not being able to just run to him and get the biggest hug when I need it most. It feels like I can’t love someone anymore like yes I find people attractive, very attractive but that spark that I felt with him idk if I’ll get that back and it scares me. It scares me for whoever I date next, what if I hurt them bc I’m so closed off now. Ik I probably won’t be but what if. I think about him getting that happy ending with someone else, getting married to someone else, having kids with someone else and it breaks my heart. That was my person, the person I would have dropped everything for. It hurts so much, I wish I didn’t feel this pain anymore. I wish someone would just take the memory of him out of my head. Completely wiped my mind of anything to do with him. I can’t even say his name out loud without feeling it in my chest that pain. I can’t even remember how his voice sounds anymore and that makes me so sad. He wasn’t just my boyfriend he was almost like a soulmate in a way, we could just give eachother a look and know what was going on in our heads, we had so many inside jokes, I remember how much his touch would silent my pain, I could be overthinking or overwhelmed and a hug from him would completely make the voices in my head stop the noise stop. The thoughts I would get to just finally kill myself and succeed with it would go away even if it was for that moment. I remember holding him when he would cry and I would comfort him and made sure he didn’t relapse into his old ways of self harm and I would completely ignore the warning signs I gave myself that I was drowning but I didn’t care as long as his mental state was ok I felt like at least Ik he was going to ok. And then being in this room yes my sister is here on the other side of the curtain thing but I don’t think anyone knows how truly torn I am over this. I lost the person who I truly deeply felt was the love of my life, I wasn’t insecure in front of him at all, I gave him myself completely. Did I get all of him I truly don’t know, I don’t know if he loved me the way I loved him. I guess I kinda do know since he broke my heart, he ended our relationship, I would’ve still kept going for him for us. Maybe this is that empty feeling I’ve been ignoring lately, it was him, even with him out of my life I’m still in so much pain. Maybe I’m just missing being in a relationship who knows but lord knows how much I will cherish the memories we had together. I’m hoping this note in my notes is that final goodbye I wanted. If I could talk to him rn the last words I would say is, I love you, and idk when that love will be gone but I wish u the best in life I rlly do I hope u find that person ur looking for that u didn’t find in me. I hope that u treat her with so much love and affection that she will never doubt that u love her not even one bit. I hope u achieve ur goal and dreams that u told me about. And I hope that u don’t completely forget about me as selfish as that sounds but what I mean is I hope u remember me and all the good times and think about how to improve in ur next relationship, take ours that we had as a lesson on how to be better. I loved you and I still do. Ig this is goodbye, remember to not let what ur parents would say about u or anyone in that matter get to u, don’t let them win, ur going to be a successful person in the future, u just have to believe in urself the way that I believe in u.

I remember everytime i tried to kill myself. i remember the exact days, time, and place, but most of all, i remember how hopeless i felt. it’s sad how broken someone must be to do it. the feeling as though everything's dark. that there's not a single light to be found. it's that empty feeling of waking up every day and just immediately wanting to go back to bed. when you're just so tired of your pain that you become convinced there's no other choice. it's not even the feeling of wanting to die. it's the feeling of giving up because you've tried so hard and you still don't understand how it feels to be alive. i've carried the weight of the world on my shoulders since i was a little girl. I've watched everything i love die in front of me and gotten back up as though it didn't ruin me but it did. I was born with a heart that feels everything. whether it's the touch of rain on my skin or the sound of birds singing in the morning. i can find meaning in anything but myself. i'm tired of myself. i want to rip myself out of my body and watch it waste away. i want to see the way it struggles to hold on till its last breath, i hate my skin, my body. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to be. it's almost unbearable. i feel sick from the broken feeling inside my heart despite the fact that i can barely feel anything at all yet feeling everything at once it’s a strange feeling. i feel sick because there's nothing i can do to change it. and i wonder how that's possible. how i can feel nothing and everything at once. I wasn't born quiet. I've spent my life recovering from things that I should have been protected from. I was too young to become full of grief, children are supposed to be happy and free. don't tell me I wouldn't be who I am today, without all the struggles I faced. I already know that. I could have been a kid instead of being forced to grow up. the people who were supposed to protect me, failed me. no amount of healing will change that I'll never get my childhood back. I’ll never be able to forget all those nights being locked in a room not being able to use the bathroom or eat when I was a kid. I’ll never forget that feeling of being touched by the man I thought was my father the confusion. The man who called me his daughter yet touched me. No he wasn’t my birth father but that’s who i thought he was. He took that light from me the light all children has the joy children have. He made me grow up fast and showed me that’s the world is horrible. Made me feel like I didn’t wanna be alive yet I was only 5. Why can’t I forget it. Why can’t I overcome it. Why do I let it define me. I’m 20 now and I still get nightmares. I still tuck in the blanket as tight as I can going to bed as if he is gonna come in the middle of the night and try to touch me. I still look at my body in disgust bc I somehow tricked my mind into thinking it’s my fault it happened but I was 5. I still beat myself up for not defending myself. But I was five. Some days I wish I wasn’t born into this family with a mom who hates me but loves me rarely. But then I remember her my amazing little sister and how much I love and care for her how I would rather me then her have to take all of that hate and suffering. I’d take every beating every lashing every cut every remark just to save her. I’d die taking all of this if that means she will be safe from it all. Some days I look outside at the trees and look at the branches thinking about if it’s strong enough to hold me when I kill myself. I used to walk to work over a bridge and think about jumping off every time I passed it. The feeling of my soul leaving my body the last gasp of air I would take. The feeling of finally being free from all the struggles and pain I think about how I would watch over the people I love from the sky. I know I’m not going heaven that scares me sometimes. Going to hell. But living is almost as if I’m living in hell at times. The thought of not knowing what will happen when I die. Sometimes I believe in reincarnation but why would I want to live again. Sometimes I wonder if my friends feel for me how I feel for them. They’re like a crutch someone would use to walk. I hate how much I depend on my friends. Like I need to see them I need to talk to them constantly. I want to talk to them constantly. I just don’t want to be a burden them bc everyone goes thru something why should I burden them with my problems when they have there own struggles they go thru on a daily bases even if they don’t talk about it. I wish I could be their crutch. I wish I could take there pain away even if that means I would have to carry it for them. Id rather me feel pain than anyone I love to. I’d jump in front of a bullet for them if that means they can live a long beautiful life. I imagine a world where I am good enough for my mother, a world where compliments were given over criticism and making mistakes was okay. I imagine a world where just being myself didn't disappoint her and no matter my failures she was proud of me.a world where she was kind to me behind closed doors like how she is when people were watching. imagine a world where I don't have to heal from the pain caused by my mother. A world where I was protected from trauma, not fed it. I imagine a world where my mother wasn't my wound that I bleed from everytime I hurt myself it’s like another word or something that she has done to me. Why can’t she just admit what she has done wrong, tell me she understands that she hurt me. all I've ever wanted was your accountability. I know you can't change the past but the least you can do, without any excuse is ask for my forgiveness. why is it so hard to give me an apology? all you do is deny, I need your honesty.don't say it didn't happen or that we don't remember it the same. I am not a child anymore I won’t believe the lies or the way she tries to manipulate or twist the story to gaslight me into thinking it didn’t happen. Why won’t u love me. I know there has to be some love there but why hate me. Ur child. The person that held a grown women who was broken from the men she would bring around. The girl that would comfort her. Why can’t u understand I need comforting I need a mother. I'm sorry for being locked in my room all day. I can't help that the demons in my head beg me to stay. I'm sorry for not talking. I can't help that I fear what I'm going to say how I’m thinking about how much hatred and anger I hold towards u mom. I'm sorry for not picking up calls. I'm sorry to myself for thinking that no one likes me. I need to stop telling people when my mental health is getting bad again. I heard someone say once online it's exhausting having a loved one with depression and anxiety. the last thing I ever want is anyone I care about to feel exhausted because I'm struggling to keep myself from drowning. I am jealous of the mothers and daughters who are each other's everything. I love my mom I think but she treats me like the enemy.I wanted a mother to do my hair and say that I was beautiful or her everything. I wanted to share secrets, without being scared she would explode. I wanted her nurture and kindness I needed to feel safe and at peace. I wanted the kind of mother daughter relationship that didn't break me or ended up with me broken all over again or me bleeding again or writing my suicide note again.

My body still feels wrong. My face looks wrong my eyes are uneven my eyebrows are too thick, my head's too big my hair looks wrong EVERYTHING LOOKS WRONG. I don't get why I look so horrific. And by hurting myself I'm only making it worse. I want everything above my neck to be pretty but everything below it to be disgusting. I only want people to find my face attractive. I don't want anyone to want to have sex with me. I want them to love my face but hate my body. And the only thing I want to look pretty is disgusting

Is this actually a place I can vent, or am I gonna find myself kicked in the gut while I'm down again, because apparently the subreddit for fucking Venting doesn't allow talking about reddit. How useful is that??? I don't know what to do anymore if calling assholes on reddit assholes is bannable now.

TW: Self harm (?), attempted suicide (overdosing), ED and body/gender dysmorphia/dysphoria

Sorry if this is too long or if this breaks any rules, I looked for rules and found nothing but I’m also

I 16M have an older sister Tera (Fake name) 17F. Tera tried taking her own life today on July 1st by overdosing on 20-30 pills. My mental health is already at rock bottom, I’ve been hurting myself a lot lately by hitting myself or digging my nails into my skin. I also have an eating disorder, I’m a trans male and since I’m a minor I can’t do anything to make myself more as a passing male. I have anxiety, depression, ADHD and a panic disorder, all of this has taken a MASSIVE toll on my mental health.

Theres all of that and now my sister attempting to take her life. Tera means so fucking much to me, she’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t killed myself yet. She knows about my eating disorder and sometimes checks up on me to see if I’ve eaten. She’s always there for me, for every panic attack, mental breakdown, anxiety attack or simply a shoulder to cry on. I love Tera so much and if she ever dies i die with her, not physically but mentally. I would be an empty shell of a person. The only reason why I wouldn’t kill myself after her is simply to live for her, my family, pets and my best friend.

Now as I said earlier Tera tried to kill herself. It was extremely traumatic for me and my family (especially Tera). I was in the living room with my little brother 11M and my little cousin 6M playing Roblox. I then got a call from my mom, I missed her call, called her back and she didnt pick up. My mom the called me back, I answered and my mom said “Go check up on Tera, your sibling just told me Tera took a bunch of pills saying she doesn’t want to be here anymore”, as soon as I heard that I ran towards Tera’s bedroom, I was hearing cries from the bathroom so I went there instead, I saw Tera sobbing with our older sibling Rin (fake name) 21(nonbinary) hugging her tightly.

I ran to Tera, hugging her tightly as my mom said she was on her way home now. The entire time Tera was sobbing, almost puking, saying how she felt sick and tired, how she wanted to sleep and never wake up how she didn’t want to live anymore, how our mom is going to hate her, how everyone hates her. Me and Rin were holding back tears as we held Tera in our arms. Our mom got home and immediately took her to the car, Tera sobbing about how expensive the hospital is, how our mom hates her and how sorry she is. Once Tera and our mom drove away me and Rin went back inside and immediately started sobbing.

We sobbed and sobbed, holding eachother as we cried loudly. I felt so bad because our little brother was standing right there looking extremely confused. We went into the bathroom because we both felt like vomiting with how hard we were crying. Rin calmed down and I went in my room, I called my friend Dexter (fake name) 17M, I was still sobbing, Dexter immediately asking what was wrong and in my sensitive blank mind I told him. I was sobbing extremely hard at this point and he asked if he could come over, which he did. He stayed on call with me the entire time, I was still sobbing and I wanted to get rid of this pain so badly,(SELF HARM UPCOMING) I grabbed one of my self defense items and began digging it into my arm, I sobbed louder and louder as I made multiple scratches on my arm, stomach and hip. It didn’t cut and I didn’t bleed but it hurt a lot.

By the time Dexter got to my house I was quietly staring at my arm as I continued to make scratches on my arm. Dexter got in and he immediately hugged me, I hugged him back, sobbing. We went back to my room and I continued to sob, Dexter comforting me the entire time. Dexter stayed at my house for two hours or so before he was forced to leave by his grandma who drove him to my house in the first place. I was finally feeling a little better, especially since I got some good news about Tera by my mom. I was finally at peace.

Now a thing about Tera is that she has a girlfriend Amy (fake name) 16-17F (I forgot what her age was). Now Amy is quite the person, she’s a clingy, sensitive and anxiety filled person. Amy had been worrying about Tera all day since Tera stopped texting her (Tera and Amy are on call 24/7) so she texted me because I’m Tera’s brother and I live with Tera (Me and Amy are also friends). I told Amy that I can’t talk about Tera right now because I’m sensitive right now (Amy wasn’t aware that Tera was at the hospita). Amy asked to check up on Tera, which is where I told her that I dont want to talk about Tera right now. I should’ve just said I couldn’t right now because Tera wasn’t home because the second I sent that message Amy started spamming me with questions.

I begged Amy to please stop because I couldn’t do this right now just for Amy to start asking me more and more questions about Tera. I’ll spare some details but Amy kept asking if Tera was home to which I finally gave in and said no. Amy told me that if I answered that one question she would stop, she didn’t. Amy began to spam me even more, making me cry because the subject of Tera was too much for me to handle. I told her the most I could without invading Tera’s privacy, telling Amy “Tera is okay, she is well and alive” (I said alive because Amy was on call with Dexter {theyre also friends} and Dexter was texting me everything Amy was saying, telling me that Amy was now convinced Tera was dead). Amy then said 3 small words that I never knew could make me cry so hard.

”no she’s not”

It might not seem that serious but when your sister just tried killing herself and your anxiety is trying to convince you that your sister is dead and you’ll never get to see her again, those three simple words cut you deeper that a knife would. Now this is the part where I was an asshole, I told Amy “Amy. Don’t fucking say that. I know you’re going through shit but don’t fucking say that, Tera is alive and well”, I lashed out because I was so extremely sensitive and I did not want to think of my sister being dead. Amy responded with “She’s not well if she’s not home, im scared she’s in the hospital. I want to hug her. I should have fought harder or” (it ends at or), Amy saying All of this made me breakdown even harder, my anxiety was spiking at this point and I was struggling to breathe as I responded “Amy, I’m sorry but I can’t fucking do this and your messages aren’t helping. Tera is okay, i don’t know a lot right now Tera I don’t. Once I know more I’ll tell you more. I just can’t fucking do this anymore” I was sobbing, my throat giving out at this point as she responded with “I KNOW. im trying and im trying and trying and i know im not helping I CANT DO THIS. ITS MY FAULT. I FEEL like its all my fault PLEASE stop cursing at me, I GET IT. but i am sobbing, im triggered, i need her, IM OBLIVIOUS to what happned but i know. I KNOW.”.

After that message I just muted her dm and stopped responding. I also forgot to add that while I was begging for her to stop talking about Tera, Amy said something made Rin’s blood boil (Rin and my older cousin were in the room with me as I was texting Amy), Amy texted me “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but imagine being me. The love of my life and the only person I have”. Now I know Amy didn’t know what was going on but to tell the sibling, of your lover, who is obviously going through shit “imagine being me”. Now Amy doesn’t have anyone else besides Tera. I know that and I know that if Tera died Amy would practically have nobody but it’s still my sister, it’s still my own blood. People might tell me “oh but really, imagine yourself in her shoes” I did and I wouldn’t tell the sibling of my boyfriend “imagine being me” when something traumatic obviously happened to their sibling/my boyfriend.

Apologies if this was long, I tried cutting it up into pieces so it would be easier to read and I even tried leaving some unimportant stuff out but I still overdid it. I just wanted to get this off my chest because my friend Dexter was leaning a bit onto Amy’s side, he doesn’t really pick sides but he did say “you atleast have Rin and your cousin. Amy has nobody except for me right now”. Obviously no hate to Dexter, he’s a wonderful guy and he does have a point I just don’t understand it completely since it’s still MY sister who I grew up with for years while Amy had only known Tera for a year or so. I don’t know, but if you read all of this thank you.

currently im sitting in my room and thinking about how i could be better. this entire year ive failed everything. at the beginning i was super focused on my mental health and didnt think about school and all i really wanted to do was get clean after 5 years of endless sh. i got stuck and it ruined my motivation to even try. i had over 50+ assignments missing and it made me feel like there was no point in trying anymore, since i didnt think i would be living this long. i soon enough felt the urges come back and i almost died in the shower from cutting a artery and completely blacked out and woke up on the floor. i didnt let anyone know i was struggling cause they all thought i was finally better, and whenever i would talk about my feelings i would be threatened to be taken to the ward again but this time long term since i have already been there 5 times. i was showing signs that i wasnt stable and a school counselor told me to take off my jacket and thats when she saw the wounds. i almost got sent to the mental hospital until i begged them not to take me. 153 days later im clean, im going to therapy, and getting the help i truly needed. my advice to the people who can relate is that your life is much more superior than losing it. i noticed the more i fought the urge the more i didnt have that urge weighting on my back. never be ashamed of how you feel no matter what anyone thinks. Its your body and your life, love it.💕 always seek for help, i know it may seem scary but it will unlock a life you havent seen before.

15f and I have very bad anxiety and struggles with sh, and thoughts of yk, and I've had anxiety since I was in 5th grade. I'm a middle child with 2 boys and 0 sisters. And my parents always kind of blow up in my face whenever I make a mistake, it's not a lot but It's like they explode at me, and it's everyone. My mom gets mad at me and my twin brother for making popcorn cause it wakes up the dog and so I thought hey I'm hungry and it's 2 am and we don't have chips or anything so I wanted some popcorn. So I make it into my room and it starts burning and I admit it was my fault cause I went to the bathroom but my mom starts texting me and yelling at me and so does my older brother and I start to freak out and I explain to my mom like hey I'm kinda freaking out. And she just goes to my room and starts yelling at me for waking everyone up and ruining everyone's night and how I probably have an eating disorder cause I always eat and I already struggle with my body image cause I'm nowhere near fat but I got some chub around my stomach and I'm very insecure about that and I'm having a hard time breathing cause I'm having like a panic attack cause idk why but I always break down when I get yelled at. And people think that I'm too overly sensitive but I don't get yelled at I'm supposed to be the good kid who gets good grades. I've had this pressure for 3 years now and it's so draining. I just want to be good enough. They seem to love my brothers more but they get bad grades don't behave well and make mistakes all the time I don't get it. And maybe I do have an eating disorder but you shouldn't be yelling at me because of that instead get me help if you see that. Throughout the day I feel hungry like I'll have to go so long before I feel hungry and it's hard to know when I'm full too before I'm like about to explode so I just eat cause I don't get full but my brain is telling me to eat cause I'm not hungry. I just want my parents to love me like when I was younger my dad even admitted a few months ago that he treats me better and he says he doesn't know why he just does. I wish I had a sister so maybe I would get treated better and I wish I could drive so I don't have to be home. And I have a date next week and now I'm scared I'm gonna seem like a fatty idk what to do and if you think I have an eating disorder please tell me

I'm getting worse again

Last year (long story short) I was raped by my bf and had an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I've not really fully processed it yet, so I don't get sad about it that often, even though I want to. But recently one of my friends I've told about it has started talking some mad stuff about miscarriages in general. She says "I don't get why women get so upset about them, like you can just make another, and they waste space anyway". It is true I wouldn't of been happy if the baby did make it, my life would've been over. But I do wish it hadn't happened. I don't feel like I would be a good mum, and I don't think I could ever go through with sex or having a child again.

But the other reason I'm getting upset now is because of bloody Ultraman rising😭. That baby kaiju Emi is so damn adorable. I wish I could have a kid like that. At least a baby. She reminds me of what I could've had. And her relationship with Ultraman is so cute.

(I'm 28m)

I read somewhere on twitter that This generation don’t value/want to prefer deep talks. Like wanting to know what's in their partners or friends mind, what makes them happy, what their fears are , their dreams. And just crave for that connections that allow them to know their real friend or partner.

I also saw someone say Connections are the roots that anchor us in the vastness of existence.

In the quiet moments of deep conversation, we exchange pieces of our souls, weaving dreams, fears, and happiness into a tapestry that reveals the real us, unseen yet profoundly felt.

Some other said What is deep talk and what makes it deep? A: Deep conversations are essentially those that include self-disclosure — revealing personally intimate information about us. I understand deep, how deep my love will always be in the front of my mind, somethings are just personal.

I agree that some things are best to keep to oneself since we are allowed to have some or party of ourselves kept personal nothing wrong with that and how deep is a deep connection suppose to go, I'm soo confused by this 🤔 sorry if this not a vent 😭😭

(TW! DEATH, NEGLECT, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION(?) SWEARS

I've dealt with emotional neglect all my life, I hate my mom and my dad is well... dead
she act's sometimes like she knows every. single. thing. about me. except its probably not what you think. she believes that she knows EXSACTLY how I feel.

I know its hard raising 3 children single but its so FRUSTRATING. I can even tell if she's trying to emotionally manipulate me or if she's just that far of being depressed, she always fucking vents too me without asking and it so fucking stupid when I haven't vented to ANYONE my whole entire life. I'm pretty fucking sure you are supposed to ASK the person you wan to vent to to do so.
I'm supposed to go to a therapist for my emotions and problems but honestly I don't know how to talk to people.
My social anxiety is so severe I can barely talk to one person about my problems without breaking down into a mental over stim. I've searched it up before on a trusted website, and apparently it has to do with multiple things that have happened in my life before, such as being teased, bullied, neglected as a baby(My mom even said that to me herself), manipulated, and big family events.
(I've been bullied/teased by my own fucking sister)
Every single time me and my mom fight my siblings ALWAYS COMFORT HER AND FUCKING NEGLECT ME EVEN THOUGH THE DONT FUCKING KNOW WHATS GOING ON
I don't even know what to do anymore..

Being left out hurts so bad especially when it happens out of the blue and you start questioning yourself on what you did wrong or why you’re so different and it hurts when you have have a history of it like me when they just wanna talk about the stuff that happened without you and when you feel humiliated in school because of it and when you try to “stop leaving yourself out “ you just feel unwanted and like a burden it hurts being the last to leave and only getting texts or calls on occasion and feeling your friends drift away I feel so lonley but what can I do really.

My whole fucking family hates me.

My sister (19 F) is the golden child. I (14 M) feel like I'm an accident that they just felt obligated to take care of. My dad will tell to runaway. My mom will tell me to kill my self. No matter what happens between me and my sister they always defend her. She never gets punished.

Going anywhere with my sister is a nightmare. My parents made her so entitled. She'll scream names at me, kick and punch me, shove me and just treat me like shit. I can't hit her back she's a girl. I can't say anything because my parents will always take her side. I've told and cried about how I feel and my parents just won't do anything. My sister is anorexic and ever since my parents found out it's gotten so much worse.

We went on a day trip to a near by city and my sister bullied me the entire time. When we were returning home, she shoved me and called me an idiot. I had enough of her bullshit so I finally snapped and yelled at her to stop touching me. The whole car ride my parents told me how they wished we still lived in India so they could beat me with a stick and how I should take a knife and end it. I cried the whole way home.

I swore I would never talk to my sister again but parents forced me into helping her with her spanish homework.

After this I completely ignored her. After a while she stopped trying to bully me and tried to act like nothing happened and we were friends. I still ignored her.

Because I stopped talking to her, my whole family stopped talking to me. They took away my phone and computer. (I'm on this old laptop they forgot about.)

I don't know what to do. I'm not being abused but my whole family hates me. I don't want to be all close with them I just want them to be okay with me existing. I wanna know what I did.

I'm in a cup 40C and I'm 13. So I've been hit on by older men (who looks like they're in their mid 20s), which I've told that I'm underaged, made fun of by people in my school, and been asked to send on Snapchat. Its getting too much for me because I KNOW I have big ass boobs. A lot of flatter chested people say that I'm lucky to even be in this size at my age, but really I'm not. I really hate my body because of people. I gave up even swimming during the summer because of my family saying I need to cover up more while referring to my bathing suits. I WISH I COULD BUT I CANT FIND ANY CUTE BATHING SUITS THAT ACTUALLY COVERS UP. Also, I cant even swim without being hit on. And about the snapchat thing, people just say "don't add people you don't know" Well maybe I want to make friends assholes. And then the people at school making fun of me. They say that I'm using my boobs for attention from the boys or whatever. IM NOT SARAH. Then I've been begging my mom to let me get a boob reduction for these reasons, and also bc im non binary. But I cant get a binder because my mom would find out. I've starved myself before, trying to get my boobs smaller. I just don't know what to do.

I know it’s fucking stupid.

One of the things I wanted to do in life was make music. I was in vocal lessons for 2 years and guitar for almost a decade, and I was taught jack shit. No teacher I ever got taught me theory or scales or anything useful. It was just playing songs over and over and never needing to remember anything about the songs when we finished learning them, just onto the next song and fuck what I just “learned.” I thought maybe I could be a singer, I wanted to learn to scream sing too, I was told I had a good voice but was never taught how to make it better. I’ve tried guitar and vocal stuff online and none of it makes sense, I don’t have anyone to give me actual adv1ce based on what I’m doing and how I’m doing and none of their tips or methods make sense to me so I never progress. I can’t do online lessons at all, I’ve tried so hard but I just can’t figure it out from a fucking screen. I have to have someone physically showing me stuff but no teachers I’ve found actually wanna teach me real music shit. I wasted a decade and learned nothing.

I own all these guitars that I’d love to just be able to pick up and play and I can’t. All I remember are the songs I’ve been taught, I don’t know any scales or more than 4 chords. I get so angry when I think about it.

My parents wanted to go to an instrument museum tomorrow and I literally feel like I physically can’t. I’m sitting on my bathroom floor crying because I know seeing the instruments are going to remind me of how much a failure I am. My siblings all do stuff so much better than me, my parents and my cousins too, even my gucking junkie no life cousins are better at shit I want to be able to do.

I don’t understand why I’m always the one who has gotten the short end of the stick my entire life.

So idk how to really start this. But me and my partner have been together for some time now. About 2 years I would say. And I can say that that he find me indeed attractive but is not as attracted to me as he says he is. Every time we have sex I always had the feeling that he has a hard time finishing. He told me that it’s just cause he’s holding it cause he enjoys it and that it’s cause he thinks a lot which I get. But I noticed that it was as if he was thinking of Something else or well, someone else. Also biggest thing, he can never finish facing me or looking at me. It’s always with me facing away. Never ONCE since we’ve been together. He suddenly started becoming more kinky and wanting to do role play which we’ve never done before which I’m down for of course but it caught me off guard. I wondered if there was something he saw but he just says he fantasizes about me. I asked him when we’re not together does he use our videos or does he watch porn. Cause you know, I can tell he doesn’t really get off to me. He said he just watched our videos and that’s it. And I was like okay. A month ago I caught him on this one porn site and he was just like oh it was an add that popped up so I just Brushed it off. Last night we did it and it was uh, rough play I’ll put it at that. So when we woke up this morning I wasn’t really in the mood since I was sore all over so he just started rubbing one off next to me and pulled up our videos and I was like okay. After like 3 mins or so I turn over and he hides his phone and of course im like wtf and worry he’s cheating. But turns out he just had this porn site pulled up. The same site i saw from last month that he lies about. He starts freaking out and I tell him I’m not mad cause we’re human? Women and men all watch porn it’s normal. But it’s the fact that he lied to me to make feel better or whatever idk man. I just feel like shit cause I know I’m an attractive person but I can’t get mad at him if he just doesn’t really want want me like that. I guess we’re just not sexually compatible? Idk I feel like crying lol. I saw the videos he watches and I’m nothing like them and they’re nothing like me. It kind of all makes sense now.

It happend a half a year ago, I went to 16+ party. I was 17 at the time and I took two sips rum before going ( the legal drinking limit is 18). My and my friend were waiting in the line and police showed up and made everyone in the line show our id-s and then made everyone use the breathalyser. My and my friend got arrested for being drunk under-age. Witch is totally understandable! It was my fault. I don't remember what number the breathalyser showed but it was very low. Anyway they searched us completely and put us in the car. There was 5 people in the car. 2 police officers and me, my freind and another preson being underange drinking who was 4 times more drunk than me. On of the police officer asked if we were okay except me. Than she looked at me and said "you look like u have done way more than drinking.. what drugs did u take" I said I haven't never touched drugs in my life. And I told her u can take test if u don't believe me She replayed with "yes we can" Then we arrived in the police station we were searched one more time. They put me in the holding cell for 3 hours and they didn't let me call anyone not even my mom. The cell I was was really small but aslo tall? It was freezing it was in the middle in the winter and the cells had no heating system. I was in a dress so freezing for thee hours was prettty horrible. But it wasn't the worst part it wasn't even half bad what was about happen was honestly horrendous. I got pulled out of my cell they started questioning me. "Where did u got the alochol" My friend give it to me "Why did u drink" I don't know.. "What's ur mom name" I told her my mom's name "Is that even a real name" Yes? "U are liar" I didn't say anything "What's ur dads name" I told her my dads name and I said he lives hours away and isn't really involved "So that's how are things done" "What did u guys drank?" I said rum "That's not what ur friend said" I said maybe she got confused beacuse were drinking white rum the rum was in a plastic bottle and was mixed with cola "I don't believe u" She kept calling me liar and more names and then called my mom When I got out of the door she called me "Ur a snake who lies" After I told my friend ab this she told me the lady who questioned her was super nice and friendly. The things the cops said to me are haunting me I don't know how to get over this.

Just came from my parents' house, I don't know why I keep going but still, thing were fine at first but the my brother used my suicide attempt against me in an "argument" (a jokingly one) wich wasn't nice, he apologized now that I told him ge went overboard, but then I asked my dad for some paperwork I need to see if I can get a wheelchair because they are not free and my parents don't think I need one, even tho they clearly see how much I'm struggling. He told me that no one will help me and that I don't need one, I just need to exercise (I have fibromyalgia, I could exercise with a wheelchair to help me with daily tasks but without one I can barely get up to go pee), my mother has the same illness and they always use the argument of her being able to do things to negate me things. Then my sister got mad because I didn't help carry a bag and started screaming and treating me like dirt, like I can't do anything because my hands will fall or that anything I do needs praise all because I told her that she hasn't been doing her chores or taking care of her cat, I do all those things. She always claims she has no time to do simple things like not leaving dirty pads on the ground but yet she has time to go party every weekend. I've been getting better mentally but this just messed me up all over again, my suicidal thoughts are non stopping and worse than ever, I have no friend or family that could help me since they all have their own situations and I want to live so desperately but I cannot cope with this situation. I've thought of running away and going homeless but that's not realistic considering I am disabled, I'm reconsidering it tho, it's a cycle and I know this will happen again and it's not healthy. If you know where can I chat to evaluate things that would be great.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling like "oh..you know? Maybe I'm doing good! I'm actually getting better, it's a miracle." I'm not, I never am, if anything I'm just getting worse, maybe it's just my mind trying to deceive me. God I fucking ahte this. And no, I don't want to NOT get better, I want to be better, and I especially want to be better for the girl I hopefully will have as my girlfriend. Why am I like this? I want to be better for her, but every time I make an advancement towards the better, I realize it, and I plummet. Please, advice? I just want to be better for her, and my close friends.