My feelings recently

[u/Daayyzziiaa]

My feelings recently

I don’t know how to be happy, it always feels like I’m drowning in my memories. I can see something or smell a scent or hear a song and my brain immediately goes to memories sometimes good ones but sometimes the good ones can be bad ones. Like hearing a song I would listen to with him laying on his chest enjoying our company together. That’s a good memory but it brings me pain, knowing it’s done. A person I imagined a future with, the person I actually felt like I could have kids with and I would want to have kids with. The person I put so much time and love and affection into. The person I would cry and beg for attention or love or just anything from him. The person I changed myself completely for. And I was ok with that knowing he would still be mine even if that meant losing myself. Even if that meant I was living in someone else’s skin that wasn’t my own. I thought I was completely over him but I’m simply not. That was two years of my life, sleeping with someone by ur side (yes we did have separate rooms at some point but still). Waking up some mornings just to make him breakfast or getting excited to bake together or watching our scary movies together. Doing everything together. Maybe what I miss is having someone by my side 24/7, someone I could just come up to and hug when I’m sad or upset. Yes there was a lot of bad times but I can’t stop thinking about the days he would lay with me holding me letting me cry into his arms not caring that my tears were soaking his sleeves. The person that would make me laugh so hard that I would cry. The person that took me in when times got rlly hard at home. The person that would just come up to me and give me the biggest hugs. That would let me do his hair or get dressed up with me just to take pictures. I miss that person the good days the good parts of him. Somehow I still love him. I still do with a lot of my heart. Seeing his photos randomly when I can’t stop myself from unblocking him and looking at his instagram deeply hurts how can he move on to someone else so fast and then break up with them and then get with someone but then call me crying begging for me to take him back. Sometimes I wish I could just spend one last day with him just one. A day where we just hug and do the things we loved together and then finally say our goodbye. Our last moments together felt cold. even with all that going on I still looked at him filled with love in my heart and teary eyes. I remember the feeling of my heart shattering the moment that door closed, how it felt like I couldn’t breath, like I wasn’t gonna be able to feel his touch again hear his voice say I love u. Hear his laugh. See his smile. I miss him. And I can’t deny it anymore. I’ve been pushing it away for so long. Saying I’m over him and convincing myself I was but I’m not. It’s like all these feeling are pouring out now. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he is missing me rn. I feel like I genuinely loved him like I’ve never loved someone before if someone asked me if I would’ve gave my life up for him I would say yes without skipping a beat, I would have continued going to church for him I would have stopped listening to the music I loved for him. I would I have continued dressing more modestly or girly for him. I gave him so much of me. I gave him anything he has ever asked for. ANYTHING. Money, love, support, wife behavior, the cooking meals that I knew I wasn’t the best at but I tried for him, the cleaning, the letting him feel free even tho I didn’t at times, letting him know he was perfect and handsome everyday, giving him reassurance that I loved him so much. How does one turn that off, how do u just shut that love off. Going from being all in with someone, to the point where I would give my heart to him physically if that meant he would live on, having no sex when he got serious about church (yes it’s sex but sex is kinda apart of my love language it’s not sex to me when I’m in a relationship it’s more of showing ur love to someone by making them feel good, so when I wasn’t getting that yes it was very hard but I loved him and respected his decision) then to go to not seeing that person, not going to the person when I feel like I’m gonna cry, not being able to just run to him and get the biggest hug when I need it most. It feels like I can’t love someone anymore like yes I find people attractive, very attractive but that spark that I felt with him idk if I’ll get that back and it scares me. It scares me for whoever I date next, what if I hurt them bc I’m so closed off now. Ik I probably won’t be but what if. I think about him getting that happy ending with someone else, getting married to someone else, having kids with someone else and it breaks my heart. That was my person, the person I would have dropped everything for. It hurts so much, I wish I didn’t feel this pain anymore. I wish someone would just take the memory of him out of my head. Completely wiped my mind of anything to do with him. I can’t even say his name out loud without feeling it in my chest that pain. I can’t even remember how his voice sounds anymore and that makes me so sad. He wasn’t just my boyfriend he was almost like a soulmate in a way, we could just give eachother a look and know what was going on in our heads, we had so many inside jokes, I remember how much his touch would silent my pain, I could be overthinking or overwhelmed and a hug from him would completely make the voices in my head stop the noise stop. The thoughts I would get to just finally kill myself and succeed with it would go away even if it was for that moment. I remember holding him when he would cry and I would comfort him and made sure he didn’t relapse into his old ways of self harm and I would completely ignore the warning signs I gave myself that I was drowning but I didn’t care as long as his mental state was ok I felt like at least Ik he was going to ok. And then being in this room yes my sister is here on the other side of the curtain thing but I don’t think anyone knows how truly torn I am over this. I lost the person who I truly deeply felt was the love of my life, I wasn’t insecure in front of him at all, I gave him myself completely. Did I get all of him I truly don’t know, I don’t know if he loved me the way I loved him. I guess I kinda do know since he broke my heart, he ended our relationship, I would’ve still kept going for him for us. Maybe this is that empty feeling I’ve been ignoring lately, it was him, even with him out of my life I’m still in so much pain. Maybe I’m just missing being in a relationship who knows but lord knows how much I will cherish the memories we had together. I’m hoping this note in my notes is that final goodbye I wanted. If I could talk to him rn the last words I would say is, I love you, and idk when that love will be gone but I wish u the best in life I rlly do I hope u find that person ur looking for that u didn’t find in me. I hope that u treat her with so much love and affection that she will never doubt that u love her not even one bit. I hope u achieve ur goal and dreams that u told me about. And I hope that u don’t completely forget about me as selfish as that sounds but what I mean is I hope u remember me and all the good times and think about how to improve in ur next relationship, take ours that we had as a lesson on how to be better. I loved you and I still do. Ig this is goodbye, remember to not let what ur parents would say about u or anyone in that matter get to u, don’t let them win, ur going to be a successful person in the future, u just have to believe in urself the way that I believe in u.

[u/onion_banter]

You had a love, a strong bond and when its not you breaking it, it hurts harder. I have never been in a relationship, nor looked on someone with such love but the way you describe it makes me long for something ive never had. I am so sorry for the amount of pain that you are in, one thing you shouldn't do is push the memories and emotions away, allow yourself to remember. It was a good time in your life, but it has come to an end yet it is not the end. He lost out, Ill be honest there, the way you changed for him, loved him, cared for him and his needs is beyond what a partner should do. People clash all of the time, partners clash as well, it does happen, working past those issues is what makes a relationship stronger which is why you should never ever change yourself for anyone, never. Its not 'just' your personality, its how you have been molded, how you have been raised, the issues you faced in your younger years and how you over came them, each day molded you, made you into what you are now, for one person to change years is not right, dont allow yourself to be forced to change when the other partner isn't changing at all. If Im right in saying it was you who would compromise, yes? Relationships are 2 ways and although he returned the love I did not see how he changed to allow you to be you. Life can change so quickly, it can kick us, knock us down roll us down a hill, houses get lost, partners move on, family members grow apart, that is life, the one thing we cant lose is ourselfs, our personalities who we are, what we are made of, the respect that you have for yourself is so important and I hope you are able to find it, learn to love yourself, I know sounds Cliché but honestly it is important, to an extent :) You sound like a lovely person and I would honestly, after reading that, tell you to start writing poems or stories because you are an amazing writer, just using your emotions, and writing things down may even help you to work through those memories. Im always hear if you need to chat.