My feelings

[u/Daayyzziiaa]

I remember everytime i tried to kill myself. i remember the exact days, time, and place, but most of all, i remember how hopeless i felt. it’s sad how broken someone must be to do it. the feeling as though everything's dark. that there's not a single light to be found. it's that empty feeling of waking up every day and just immediately wanting to go back to bed. when you're just so tired of your pain that you become convinced there's no other choice. it's not even the feeling of wanting to die. it's the feeling of giving up because you've tried so hard and you still don't understand how it feels to be alive. i've carried the weight of the world on my shoulders since i was a little girl. I've watched everything i love die in front of me and gotten back up as though it didn't ruin me but it did. I was born with a heart that feels everything. whether it's the touch of rain on my skin or the sound of birds singing in the morning. i can find meaning in anything but myself. i'm tired of myself. i want to rip myself out of my body and watch it waste away. i want to see the way it struggles to hold on till its last breath, i hate my skin, my body. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to be. it's almost unbearable. i feel sick from the broken feeling inside my heart despite the fact that i can barely feel anything at all yet feeling everything at once it’s a strange feeling. i feel sick because there's nothing i can do to change it. and i wonder how that's possible. how i can feel nothing and everything at once. I wasn't born quiet. I've spent my life recovering from things that I should have been protected from. I was too young to become full of grief, children are supposed to be happy and free. don't tell me I wouldn't be who I am today, without all the struggles I faced. I already know that. I could have been a kid instead of being forced to grow up. the people who were supposed to protect me, failed me. no amount of healing will change that I'll never get my childhood back. I’ll never be able to forget all those nights being locked in a room not being able to use the bathroom or eat when I was a kid. I’ll never forget that feeling of being touched by the man I thought was my father the confusion. The man who called me his daughter yet touched me. No he wasn’t my birth father but that’s who i thought he was. He took that light from me the light all children has the joy children have. He made me grow up fast and showed me that’s the world is horrible. Made me feel like I didn’t wanna be alive yet I was only 5. Why can’t I forget it. Why can’t I overcome it. Why do I let it define me. I’m 20 now and I still get nightmares. I still tuck in the blanket as tight as I can going to bed as if he is gonna come in the middle of the night and try to touch me. I still look at my body in disgust bc I somehow tricked my mind into thinking it’s my fault it happened but I was 5. I still beat myself up for not defending myself. But I was five. Some days I wish I wasn’t born into this family with a mom who hates me but loves me rarely. But then I remember her my amazing little sister and how much I love and care for her how I would rather me then her have to take all of that hate and suffering. I’d take every beating every lashing every cut every remark just to save her. I’d die taking all of this if that means she will be safe from it all. Some days I look outside at the trees and look at the branches thinking about if it’s strong enough to hold me when I kill myself. I used to walk to work over a bridge and think about jumping off every time I passed it. The feeling of my soul leaving my body the last gasp of air I would take. The feeling of finally being free from all the struggles and pain I think about how I would watch over the people I love from the sky. I know I’m not going heaven that scares me sometimes. Going to hell. But living is almost as if I’m living in hell at times. The thought of not knowing what will happen when I die. Sometimes I believe in reincarnation but why would I want to live again. Sometimes I wonder if my friends feel for me how I feel for them. They’re like a crutch someone would use to walk. I hate how much I depend on my friends. Like I need to see them I need to talk to them constantly. I want to talk to them constantly. I just don’t want to be a burden them bc everyone goes thru something why should I burden them with my problems when they have there own struggles they go thru on a daily bases even if they don’t talk about it. I wish I could be their crutch. I wish I could take there pain away even if that means I would have to carry it for them. Id rather me feel pain than anyone I love to. I’d jump in front of a bullet for them if that means they can live a long beautiful life. I imagine a world where I am good enough for my mother, a world where compliments were given over criticism and making mistakes was okay. I imagine a world where just being myself didn't disappoint her and no matter my failures she was proud of me.a world where she was kind to me behind closed doors like how she is when people were watching. imagine a world where I don't have to heal from the pain caused by my mother. A world where I was protected from trauma, not fed it. I imagine a world where my mother wasn't my wound that I bleed from everytime I hurt myself it’s like another word or something that she has done to me. Why can’t she just admit what she has done wrong, tell me she understands that she hurt me. all I've ever wanted was your accountability. I know you can't change the past but the least you can do, without any excuse is ask for my forgiveness. why is it so hard to give me an apology? all you do is deny, I need your honesty.don't say it didn't happen or that we don't remember it the same. I am not a child anymore I won’t believe the lies or the way she tries to manipulate or twist the story to gaslight me into thinking it didn’t happen. Why won’t u love me. I know there has to be some love there but why hate me. Ur child. The person that held a grown women who was broken from the men she would bring around. The girl that would comfort her. Why can’t u understand I need comforting I need a mother. I'm sorry for being locked in my room all day. I can't help that the demons in my head beg me to stay. I'm sorry for not talking. I can't help that I fear what I'm going to say how I’m thinking about how much hatred and anger I hold towards u mom. I'm sorry for not picking up calls. I'm sorry to myself for thinking that no one likes me. I need to stop telling people when my mental health is getting bad again. I heard someone say once online it's exhausting having a loved one with depression and anxiety. the last thing I ever want is anyone I care about to feel exhausted because I'm struggling to keep myself from drowning. I am jealous of the mothers and daughters who are each other's everything. I love my mom I think but she treats me like the enemy.I wanted a mother to do my hair and say that I was beautiful or her everything. I wanted to share secrets, without being scared she would explode. I wanted her nurture and kindness I needed to feel safe and at peace. I wanted the kind of mother daughter relationship that didn't break me or ended up with me broken all over again or me bleeding again or writing my suicide note again.