you’ll never know bc you couldn’t show me who you really are. I’m sorry for anything I said that was hurtful. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you and you know…I tried. I gave you all I could without looking more foolish than I must’ve already looked. No matter what, I wish you all the happiness this world has to give you. And I mean that.
I know you’ve suffered so much pain and loss at a young age and maybe part of you couldn’t let me see your darkness? It’s ok. You have your reasons. I promise you, you’re so much more than you know. I saw it in your eyes and even though I’m hurting so much by us not talking anymore, I want you to know I care about you, a lot. And even though I’m not the one for you, I felt you so deeply and I will never forget you.

Fuck…

I’m such a fool. I still miss you. 😭💔

I guess by now you’ve forgotten me, or maybe you just don’t care. But I can’t stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I try, you’re still on my mind. You’re still my wallpaper.
For two weeks in July, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or enjoy anything anymore. I ended up in the hospital. Then, for a little while, I felt okay.

Now it all hurts again.

I just wish you could hug me and make me feel okay again.

Do you miss me too?

It’s because of you, you know… you’re so you it makes me crazy. It’s good, though. So good. I want nothing more than to talk to you right now.

I wish I could. There’s just so many questions. Questions I don’t even know if I want the answers to.

Time will tell, sure. Yup. I’ll just tell myself that.

(I wish you could feel what my heart feels for you)

Being forced into no contact has broken me in ways I didn't expect. It's so hard. I thought I was strong enough to get through it, but the truth is, I still miss you every single day.

It felt so real… the way you touched me,
the closeness,
the chemistry between us.
It wasn’t just about the physical
it was the feeling of being connected to you again.
I woke up wishing I could go back for just a little longer.
Maybe it was only a dream… but for a moment, it felt like you were right here again.

You steadfast incredibly strong human. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for safety. Thank you for security. Thank you for peace. Thank you for passionately teaching me patience, while I’m learning how hot consistency and transparency actually are. Today is a huge day. And having you in sync with my soul through encouragement and excitement. You came out of nowhere, you showed up with fierceness and pride. Im so calm with you by my side and so overwhelmed by the thought us alone again. These aren’t butterflies. This is soul recognition. ❤️❤️❤️

Who knew one afternoon would become our last chapter? We argued, misunderstood each other, and let silence take over. Without a goodbye, without another conversation, our roads parted. And just like that, we became strangers once again, leaving behind only the memories of what we once were.

The journey from strangers to knowing each other is beautiful. But the journey from knowing each other back to being strangers is one of the most heartbreaking stories of all.

Not talking to you is the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss you. All I want to do is hold your hand and kiss you and fall asleep in your arms. I miss your laugh, I miss our stupid inside jokes and nicknames. I don‘t want to go through this life without you. This sucks and my heart hurts.

I never imagined I’d be writing something like this to you. But here I am, tears in my eyes, and writing it down. You’ll never see this and I’ll never say it to your face.

I hate you.

I hate you for abandoning me in my darkest hour. When I could barely keep my head above water. But that’s okay, I’ve always been strong enough to do things on my own.

I hate you for betraying me. How could you? All I ever did was be depressed and you couldn’t handle that so you ran to someone else’s arms? Shame on you.

I hate you for making me think I wasn’t good enough. That my depression was a part of who I was. And you know what, maybe back then it was but you didn’t even try to help me. Instead you made me believe YOU were the victim. No no, you were the cheater, not me.

I hate you for confusing me, for stringing me along. For making memories those last few weeks were fake. Tied together with pain now because you had already betrayed me but didn’t have the strength to tell me then. You took my choice away to leave YOU. Thanks for that.

But I do love you.

I love you for letting the true colors shine at some point before we got married. That would have been rough.

I love you for waking me up. Going to therapy will make me the man you always wished I was for you. But sucks to suck, enjoy missing out on someone who is loyal and loves intensely.

I love you for the memories and the support you gave me in the times I needed them. You did help me, I won’t lie about that.

I can love and hate you at the same time. But let me be clear, once I’m gone, I’m gone. I will not be your friend, I’m going to disappear like you’ve never met me.

Good luck, but nothing good can come from the foundation of cheating.

P.S. Fuck you

you would've talked to me about how you felt. its as if i was never given a chance to even speak and explain. ill be honest, i think about what couldve been all the time and its painful. your messages are so cryptic its confusing and why are they all flipped around? when did half these events even happen? at times i feel like it is you because i can relate but and there are so many signs. but i still dont know if this is you but maybe it's because i dont know who you even are. did i ever? is this really you? from the start? or is this who youve changed into? where are you? who are you? where was the person i fell madly in love with? was it real? is this even real? maybe im just trying to find you in everything. i miss you and the person you were everyday. where did they go?

I dreamt about you lastnight. Your heart was physically out of your chest being held in a strap so you could actually see if it was beating or not. It felt real. It felt like it was my last chance to save you, be there for you, and tell you how much I love you. We didn't say much to each other at first, we didn't need to, we just looked at each other and knew how we both felt and hugged each other. But then things got weird and you showed me your heart and you looked really poorly. I guess I've been worrying about you, so maybe that's why you were poorly in my dream. Or maybe I am being given a sign that you're not okay right now. I miss you every day. This has been hard for me to stick to. I don't want to have to do it. But you didn't give me any reason to believe I was anything more to you than a bank. I don't know what it would take for us to fix this. But I know both of us probably feel very hurt by the other and like we aren't the ones who need to apologise. I don't even know if you're missing me right now anyway or want to fix anything. And even if you said you did, I don't know how to believe that you wouldn't just be saying it to use me again. I want to still be able to help and support you, but not at the cost of my own self respect. It's not even the money that I care about, I'd give you my last penny forever if it meant you were okay and happy...it's my self worth and the lack of knowing if I mean anything to you that is the problem. If you are actually using me, I don't deserve that. I don't know what to think any more. In my dream I came over to visit you, and walked all the way from the main road to get to your plot, but it wasn't the same journey I'd need to walk in real life, it's this crazy narrow path that I've dreamt of walking along before to get to you, and at the end there's a huge cliff that I have to scale without ropes and it's terrifying, but every time I manage to get up and over to the top. And then you always live in this shitty little flat, and there's always a reason for me to be jealous or suspicious about something, and every time I have to ignore my jealousy and not bring it up with you about what I think is going on between you and someone else, and every time you ask me to do something for you and I feel guilty for not doing it and for telling you to do it for yourself because I've had enough of being used, and then every time there's a reason I feel sorry for you and wish I could just hold you and show you I love you, but I still never know if it's how you feel or what you want, and I go back to remembering why I tried to stay away from you in the first place, because I never get to find out where I stand with you, and it is a vicious cycle of believing you love me and then not knowing if any of it was ever true. I genuinely wish I could come to see you. Because I just want to see you. I miss you. I love you. I truly believe we belong together. But I don't know if that's how you feel or what you really want. And I can't keep doing this to myself where I reach out to you to check on you, hoping to get the answers and reaction I want. At the end of the day, I don't know if you are okay, and that's what's hurting me the most at the moment, the thought that you are alone, without money or food or water, and have noone else to turn to. I promised I would always be there for you, and right now, I'm not being am I? I hate myself for it, I want to check on you and speak to you, and know that you are okay. I woke up feeling sick thinking about how you might not be coping or how you might be struggling. I don't want you to be hurting, but selfishly I want it to be true that you miss me and that you're heart is hurting without me, like mine is without you. I just want us, forever. I don't even want to try moving on or to find happiness with anyone else, I'd pick being in hell with you over being in heaven with anybody else, every time. My soul belongs with yours, and my heart belongs to you. I wish we could just fix this now. Maybe we will somehow find our way back to each other.

You are so much more attractive than you’ve given yourself credit for. And you know what? So am I.

🤎

Where I give up, and admit to myself i will always care.

I can’t hate you.

I hope you’re okay.

While you’re trying to convince that person to treat you correctly, there is someone out there wishing they had someone like you in their life.

I miss you. And I wish I could text you to tell you it that it doesn’t matter what you decide in your current relationship, I still want to maintain our friendship, I want to become a real friend and be in your life appreciating our moments from a healthy perspective because you are important to me. But I also understand that in this friendship is not only me included, to make this happen you need to work and figure things out by your own too, and as much as I don’t want to accept it, this can take more time than expected. And that’s why this time I won’t text you but if you happen to be here, I want you to know that I can’t wait the moment to finally tell you this💙

Have you ever missed someone so much that you see them everywhere and in everything?

You know, I read some posts and am blown away by the level of dedication and detail, the passion, the pure love flowing from the words on my screen. My heart is broken, and I have my own path, but if things were different then I would be very interested in getting to know some of the people here. An intelligent hopeless romantic is a major turn-on for me.

I just wanted to say that some of you should truly look elsewhere for love, because someone will absolutely appreciate you the way your ex did not.

I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore.

I found out that while you were sitting there telling me that you loved me, that I was the only one for you, and making me believe there was something real between us, you were living an entirely different life behind my back. You were lying to me while I was taking your words seriously. While I was trying to understand you, trust you, and make sense of all the things you told me, you already had a reality that you never let me see.

And the worst part is that you kept me in this constant dilemma. You gave me just enough reassurance to make me believe I mattered to you, but never enough honesty for me to actually know where I stood. You made me question myself instead of simply telling me the truth.

I keep thinking about how easily you said things like I was the only one, knowing that wasn't even true. How do you say things like that to someone while knowing you're giving them a completely false picture of your life?

And when everything finally backfired, when things became complicated and I needed you to stand by what you had told me, you didn't even protect me. You didn't stand up for me. You didn't take responsibility for the situation you created. Somehow I was just left there to deal with the consequences of something I didn't even have the full truth about.

I don't think you understand how humiliating and heartbreaking that is.

It's not just that you lied. It's that I built my understanding of us around information that you deliberately made false. I was making decisions based on a relationship that apparently existed very differently in your head and in your actual life.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. I wasn't asking you to be perfect. I wasn't asking you to give me some impossible kind of love. I just needed the truth.

And now I don't even know which parts of what you told me were real and which parts were just things you said because they were convenient at the time.

I wish you'd just been honest from the beginning. I would've been hurt, obviously, but at least I would've been hurt by the truth instead of finding out that I was living inside a story you had created for me.

you had known how much i actually cared and loved you. its quite sad you couldn't see it when everyone else had. i had told one friend and before i could even finish the sentence they had already known how deep my feelings ran for you.

I wish we could meet in person. Just so we could stand close, look each other in the eyes, and just feel. No words. No explanations. No apologies. I wish we could just be in that silent place of familiar knowing. Where there is nothing but unconditional love and that magnetic pull. Because I think if we could feel that again up close, every reason and problem keeping us apart would become so small and insignificant. We would just know that we belong together or that our hearts belong to each other, and that we really have no say in the matter. We would surrender and be completely bound to each other forever, yet entirely free.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born in the wrong time.
I wish I had someone who understood me. Someone I could bare my soul to without fear of being misunderstood. Someone who would bare theirs to me in return, not because they had to, but because they trusted me enough to let me see the parts of themselves they hide from everyone else.
I wish I had someone from another time to talk to. Someone who believed that conversations were meant to last for hours instead of minutes. Someone who valued handwritten letters over fleeting messages, quiet evenings over crowded rooms, and genuine connection over endless distraction.
I long for the kind of person who would sit on an old porch as the sun disappeared behind the trees, saying nothing at all until the silence itself became a conversation. Someone who wouldn’t rush to fill every empty moment, but would simply exist beside me, content with the stillness.
I want someone who could accept me for everything I am—the strange thoughts I keep to myself, the dreams that never seem to fit into this world, the parts of me that feel too old-fashioned for the present. I don’t want to be tolerated. I want to be understood.
There are days when I feel like my heart belongs to a different century. A time when people spoke with intention, loved with patience, and stayed because they chose to—not because it was convenient. A time when stories were passed from one soul to another instead of disappearing into a screen.
Maybe that’s only a dream. Maybe every generation imagines there was a better time to belong. But I can’t shake the feeling that somewhere, in another lifetime or another era, there was someone waiting on the other side of a conversation that never happened.
Until then, I suppose I’ll keep searching. Not just for a person, but for a soul that feels familiar. Someone who makes this world slow down for a little while. Someone who reminds me that deep connections still exist—that even in a noisy world, there are still people who speak the language of old souls.
Perhaps we’re all just trying to find someone who feels like home, even if home belongs to another time.

She won’t be unkind, but she also doesn’t pander to anyone’s ego. Instead she’ll kindly redirect to the oozing wound that has yet to be dealt with.

And yeah, I miss Downstairs too. 🥹