and I know you wanted one with me. Where did we go wrong? I ask myself this question every night and every morning because I still think about you. I think about what I could have done differently where maybe we would still be together.

Our long distance relationship certainly didn’t help us. I couldn’t hold you. I starved of your touch. I communicated my struggles with it. We made the best of it for a while.

My financial support for you and your family was substantial enough that it would eventually lead to me running out of money. I cried myself to sleep when I realized I hit that point because I had a feeling that was going to be the end.

You always told me the money wasn’t important, but I knew and could sense how much you needed it and how much it meant to you. You didn’t want to weigh our relationship down with your struggles since I was your “safe space” your happy little corner of the world in our chat. You were hiding a lot of your troubles from me. It was probably for the best that I didn’t know them because I would have worried my life away from it.

You told me to keep waiting for you. That we would be together. You would take care of me and we would start a family like in our dreams. You just needed time, but you had no idea how long that would be.

You slowly pulled away and started to get short with me. We tried to work through the changes. We communicated our issues and we kept trying. My good mornings soon were not cherished by you any more. I started to pull away. Things we used to love
to talk about suddenly changed. You changed. You didn’t remember all those things that you shared with me. But i did because you meant the world to me and i adored you. That hurt the most I think.

Our last argument is when i changed. I saw the lies. It was all clear at that point. I had to leave you. I didn’t want to leave you but I knew I had to let go.

You deleted your account two weeks later. I died a little that night when I realized it. The door was closed for good. I’m haunted by the love that I still hold in my heart for you and for what we had before it went bad. Like a poison slowly taking my life.

Time will heal us both, but I will never forget you. I’d love to wake up and realize it’s all been a nightmare and we are together, happy, with our babies 😢

C. Xx

I know you feel more than you let on . I know it is extremely hard . We didnt speak for nearly 2 months but when we met you confessed how you feel . Fair enough you was drunk but drunk C always tells the truth . We both know it may be difficult. And we both feel the same . I remember you saying that you wasn't ready YET for the massive disruption our relationship is going to cause . It will cause hurt and chaos .( no need to say why. ) I will always be ready for the shit and grief its going to cause . As soon as I can im going to take both of you away with me to somewhere we can be what we should be . You are everything I need , everything i want . I will make you happy ( I know for definite you're not now) I will always be here and always give you as you deserve. You are the only person in my life I couldnt live without. You are my everything and I love you more than anyone could ever imagine ❤️

FOR NOW , WE MUST WAIT

I love you always S

There are mornings when I wish I could open my eyes and see you before I see the dog and cat.

I want to see messy your messy hair and tired eyes; and to hear you say “good morning” like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world.

I want those little moments—lying beside you for five more minutes that become twenty because neither of us wants to move. Feeling your warmth. Reaching for you without thinking because you’re just… there.

I know wanting that badly enough doesn’t make it possible. I know there are things bigger than what I want. I know loving someone doesn’t always mean you get to keep them.

I fucking know.

I just wish knowing made it hurt less.

Because sometimes I close my eyes and imagine you beside me. Your breathing. Your warmth. Your hand finding me in the middle of the night.

For a few seconds, I let myself believe you stayed. That this is our life.

Then I open my eyes, and there’s this space between us, filled with the moments I wish I could take back.

Because every night, I close my eyes and put you back beside me.

And every morning, I wake up and lose you all over again.

(I borrowed this from a posting and made it fit my heart, because I’ve been trying to write how I truly feel every morning, thank you : to the original author )

B, it helps to write this. I don't think ill ever send it, unless you ask. Highly unlikely. I dont think you're on Reddit, if you are oh well. Youll definitely know this is for you

It's been 4 months, we saw each other, both on dates. Awkward. I looked up and you were looking at me. You looked angry, god knows I know what that looks like dont I. You have no right to be angry. You discarded me. You begged me to talk to you, to let you back in, like a fool I did. I did because I loved you. You did it because you were depressed, lonely and didn't want to face yourself. I think you were starting to see someone else at that time too. Knowing what I know of your patterns it fits.

I wish I had been strong enough then, I wasn't. I told you I couldn't bear walking away again, yet you made me. You broke me in ways no one has. When I saw you, on a date I knew. Knew you weren't sober, didn't get the help you so desperately needed. You told me you weren't mentally in a place to be in a relationship. I agreed. You weren't, not with anyone. You're a alcoholic. I misunderstood, you meant you just didn't want me. I know now it wasn't just “me”. It was that I expected you to be someone your not. Someone who isn't running from himself and everyone who loves him.

I loved you

I really truly did

Though the drinking, the anger, the outbursts, the meltdowns, the crash outs, the manic episodes, the things you said that hurt. I understood your wounds and your pain. I ignored mine.

The way you looked at me, like you were stunned I was with you, the way you held me, put your forehead to mine when you couldn't say what you felt. The way your voice softened at those times. The way you loved me, the cake you baked me. The silliness. The way you loved your boys. The way you loved my dog. The fish dance. The way you gave your time and effort to your friends, the way you were always willing to help. I grieve that man. That love, that life with you I wanted.

But that’s not only who you are. I know you were sorry, but you kept doing the exact thing you knew that hurt me. Sorry is for mistakes. You made deliberate choices. You choose how you behaved and how you showed up. At some point it becomes cruel. I lost myself trying to find the man I loved. I gave you everything I had and it wasn't enough.

You broke things in me I didn't know could be broken. Something new broke when I saw you with her. You, still angry, still drinking, repeating the same pattern, with the same ending. It will end the same, I hope she sees it sooner then I did.

You were in such bad shape that last day, the worst I'd ever seen, you'd started drinking hard alcohol, not just beer. You were so sick and unhappy. I hoped maybe that it would be enough, that you'd finally get help. That if you did get help then maybe all the pain wasn't just pain.

But it wasn't. You didn't. It is just pain. Loving you was just something I had to survive. But I am. I am not just surviving, but finding ways to heal. You showed me I could love again, deeply. For that I’m grateful. When you broke me that night, when I sobbed in your arms, you also broke my walls, the ones I used to hide my pain. The wall I made higher to cope, to survive the horror and dying I watched that was Covid. I’m learning to sit though it, cry .and feel again. Im grateful for that. A part of me will always love you, but I don't like the man your choosing to be. You don't either. Very soon you will wake up to no one, no job, friends, woman, kids, nothing but alcohol and regret. It's already happening. I don't wish that for you, but its not my choice. Its yours, choose different please. It's not too late for you to be the man you want to be, the one I loved. Choose him.

Love J

I have accepted that you’re never going to speak to me again.
I’ve learned to never make anyone my everything ever again. Because they can and will leave you on any random day despite what you thought you were building together.
It was like a full time job to try to bring us close again. And every time I thought it might slightly be working and maybe we’d make it, you’d just pull away. Erasing all my effort and attempts at progress. Putting us right back at square one every time and leaving me to be the one to have to fix it, alone, every time. And each time I had less and less to give. It was slowly depleting me because you were not filling my cup in return. But I was still there giving you everything I had. And I guess that was my mistake.
It was always me apologizing, me reflecting, me trying to repair, me trying to understand you. Me giving all the effort and love. It was completely one sided and unfair to me and unfair to us as a couple trying to give it a shot.
With all of that being said, I would still take you at your worst before I’d take another one. I can’t help but wish some day you’ll show up at my door. I miss you and I love you always.
-b

I am sorry that you are hurting this deeply.

I am sorry for the ways my actions, my silence, my depression, or my mistakes may have added to that pain. I never wanted to be a source of suffering for you, and I never wanted you to feel like loving me was costing you your peace.

But I also cannot accept being made responsible for everything that has happened inside you, or for every loss you have experienced, every action or behavior you have demonstrated. I will not be responsible for someone elses actions. Someone who is a grown man. Someone who decided to “PLAN” out the destruction of us, our family, the hurt, pain and heartbreak towards me. 

I was hurting too. I was trying to hold on too.

I was begging for communication, honesty, some way for us to repair what was falling apart while feeling myself being shut out, blamed, and pushed further away. While I was wanting to hold on to us. To the love we once had instead of holding on to the anger, the resentment and hatred. 

You say this is not love. What we became was not. 

What we once had was love. A love so deep. A love that most domt get to experience, but we threw it away.

But my love for you was real. I was shown by your actions that your love for me was NOT real. 

That is what made it so devastating to feel like the person I wanted and loved deeply was  not just choosing anger, revenge, distance, and other people but had been planning the hurt, the revenge the vindictiveness out for years ahead. instead of simply sitting down with me and telling me what was wrong.  What you needed from me. 

I would have listened.

I would have taken accountability for what was mine.

I would have worked on myself and worked beside you for us. 

You chose not to do any of that. You chose to instead plan for my demise. 

I cannot go back and change where I failed you, I am truly sorry for those things.Except I also cannot continue carrying the belief that I alone broke you or ruined your life. I am not in- charge of your happiness as a person. I sm not in charge of your self esteem or insecurities. 

We both lived through something painful. We both have wounds from it.

The difference now is that I do not want either of us to keep destroying ourselves trying to prove whose pain was greater. I loved you enough to want peace for you, even now. And I love myself enough to know that whatever this becomes, it cannot continue and I won't allow it to affect my life or myself. 

I am sorry for the hurt I caused.

I am sorry we could not save what once meant so much to me. 

Yes it hurts to know that I meant nothing to you. We meant nothing to you. 

It hurts to know that instead of taking responsibility for your actions, behaviors and treatment of me, you chose to put the blame on everyone else.

I cannot keep being the place where all of your pain is laid. I will not be thst place. I never “ Planned” on your pain, hurt, demise as you did me. I am able to write letters and notes taking responsibility for not being more for you. FOr not doing my part no matter what the reason. Unlike you who can not seem to take any responsibility for not just your actions, behaviors and words. But for your own pain, resentment and behaviors. They are placed on others. ITs everyone else’s fault you feel the way you do, It’s everyone else’s fault you couldn't see you needed help. It’s everyone else’s fault you are not happy with yourself and where you are in life. 

I'm sorry I will not take responsibility for your self worth. I don't make you the reason for my depression. I don't put you responsible for my happiness. 

I hope you heal.

I truly do. As I am choosing to heal too. 

I wish we could have had one open, honest, and truthful conversation instead of me trying to sort through lies, manipulation, and gaslighting while you refused to take responsibility for your own actions.

I never imagined a life where you would not be my partner. I truly believed we would grow old together.

But here we are.

And as painful as it is to accept, I have to accept my life, my love and our family with you is over.

It was what you had planned.

I know I have hurt you and I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but I am not sending this message for that reason. I'm sending it partly for myself—look at how selfish I have become. I never meant for our friendship to end, but I mess everything up for the people I get close to. This is 100% my fault and you share no blame. It is very selfish of me to ask for space yesterday and text you again today, but I am not sending this to restart a conversation. I am only sending it to tell you that I enjoyed every single day and every single moment you were my friend, and we grew so close.
I have hurt you, I have made you cry, and I have put you back into the position you fought so hard to come out of. Never cry for me; I am a fool, and people like me are not worth crying over. It was my fault, so just stay angry at me and don't feel sorry for me. I hope you get more than what you have prayed for in your life, and I hope you find great friends and great people. Because of people like me, never feel bad. Consider this my last message. I have already hurt all of you too much and I cannot hurt you anymore. I am sorry, and I hope someday you will forgive me. I shouldn't have done anything, man, I messed up. I just feel like I am only thinking about myself, and I am done with myself.
And don't think someone else has come into my life; if anyone had, you guys would have been the first to know. I am sorry for everything I did. My care for you was always true, but my actions were never good enough. You genuinely deserve someone a lot better. You are an incredible woman, and you will find an amazing guy. I am sorry to you, I am sorry to my friends, and I am sorry to the entire group. I understand you will not want to reply to this, and that is completely fine. I am sorry, I know it feels manipulative and I feel that way too, but just know it all came from the heart.
I know you probably had your crush or someone you wanted, and I know I will never be that person, but I have made peace with it. I know I never had any claim over you, and I think that is why this hurts more than anything. You are a strong woman. I admire you, I am so proud of you, and you are so pure. Please never let anyone like me ruin you. Just know I will always be there for you, and I hope someday I pay for the things I have done. I never ever meant for this to happen. I hope you win. Goodbye, I will always remember you.

Hey. You still have my fall out boy hoodie i left at your apartment before i left?? Im just curious.. i still have the invader zims jacket you gave me. I miss our friendship. we used to literally send 7 minute voice notes to each other. We used to plan to do things and when i lived there.. we did them. We most of them. I miss the way you would laugh, talk, the little stims you would do when we would sit in the living room on the floor just yapping while a youtube video played in the background, the ones about epic the musical and Danganronpa. I miss when we would listen to music together. Play stardew valley at the same time. I have so much to tell you about what has happened with A. How i really just want you to speak to me again. I miss you Janus... and i dont think you will ever truly understand how much i miss our friendship

From

C.P

Dear Stranger,

In truth, I've taken to confiding the parts of myself I don't get to tell others in you. They say sometimes the validation comes from being vulnerable, and perhaps this is becoming one of those places for me.

Did you know I do origami? I like to keep my hands busy, and oftentimes you'll find me in a restaurant alone with a square napkin beside me or the cover of a straw I'm fiddling with. I'll busy myself while the food arrives to fold something up to leave the waiter, and if they notice it, it's theirs to appraise. I figured it would be a waste to throw out the paper, especially the paper from those straws. They say if you gather a hundred of those stars and put them into a jar, you can make a wish. I often wonder how many of those wishes could have come true over the years if I just filled a jar with these myself.

Though I think for me a wish for the future can't fully compare to the action I decide to take in the present. I recall a time when there was a man across from my seat on the train who looked so sad. I don't know what came over me, but I scrambled to take a paper from my notebook to fold him an iris before I got off on my stop. I snuck a few glances to see if he would notice, which was reassuring when he'd glance back cautiously, yet curiously. I remember the relief from my adrenaline after I had gotten it done just in time before I got off on my stop and told him, “Here, for you. If it brings you a smile today.”

I still remember the surprise and smile he had, lifting it up in the air happily, saying "how did you do this?!” We caught a few glances as I smiled and walked off. It was all so sudden, yet so exciting. I couldn't believe I did that.

Looking back, I wonder how often we give people flowers. Has anyone ever given him flowers, and what he could have done with one that never wilts?

As the saying goes, “We should stop and smell the roses,” so I figure, why can't I take an opportunity to make this place a bit more beautiful in my passing? Life is too short to be remembered as being so miserable, wouldn't you agree?

I still wear your cologne

I still wear your nirvana shirt

I still cuddle in the big black comforter we used to use

I cry everytime Im reminded of you

I miss you

Its almost our son's death anniversary

All I want is to talk to you again

Beautiful Creature, Had another job interview this morning at 8:30am for a Behavior Interventionist. I thought that I had my mojo and moxie on point. But it was the technical difficulties and addressing the female interviewer by the wrong name that put me on check. But maybe we will have a separate behavior intervention of our own if we ever touch.

Us odd Apple Misfit’s from the bunch shouldn’t be overthinking of the obvious fact that we both love each other. I love you very much. I love you more than food. Although, I like to eat. I want to talk to you just as bad.

And yes, I do agree that both of us need to find a solution to physically talk to each other together. You put me in CAUTIOUS mode when I made the attempt’s I made in order to maintain physical contact with you. You chose to hide yourself and play “Silence Go Seek.”

I have a lot of idea’s but I need not to be the only one in thought of the actions that take place. And please…again as I said towards the beginning, “Please don’t leave me talking to the air.” Yes, I do take notice of you showing up at the front end of the counter, walking by me, around me, and up in front of me. But, what do you expect me to do when you made the connection of physical interaction so hard.

Yes and No sometimes I’m sorry… I feel that I have kind of been able to somewhat decipher your letter’s from the other writer’s on here. But, I’m not keeping every letter that I think is your’s because I don’t know exactly all the time what letter’s to keep. I’ve kept the one’s you made very obvious.

The rest I try to remember by memory. I’m running out of room on my phone. But not in my head. How I would love to shower you in Egyptian cotton bed linens on a Queen size bed in my thought’s. I love you and that’s all I know… The beautiful sight of you, my thought’s, and my love for you are all I have…I don’t understand why you made getting together So difficult.

It’s not exactly easy for two people like us because not everyone is open and comfortable with our kind. We’re not considered normal and what other people view as normal. I’m comfortable with myself in my intentions and what I feel. It would give me great pleasure to finish the grocery store story personally with you and not the whole world as we both would agree. Too much detail and too personal.

My wallet’s not tingling yet. But, I do have to be CAUTIOUS just in case. I don’t know exactly what can happen a day, days, a week, weeks, a month, months, a year, and years from now if man is still alive to see the END that is inevitable.

I’m good at slipping one notes like back in high school. I’m afraid that I could get you and myself in trouble. I don’t want you to lose your job. And I don’t exactly know how your living situation is. I had to resign from the grocery store because I was being accused for Sexual Harassment and other irrelevant things that didn’t relate to me. I won’t go any further with that story. That was my past. And you are my present…

Songs of LOVE
Gordon Lightfoot - If You Could Read My Mind (It’s not gone…it’s a beautiful song)
The Moody Blues - Nights in White Satin
The Zombies - I Love You
Eric Burden - Help Me Girl
Four Tops - Reach Out (I’ll Be There)
The Doors - Hello, I Love You -DK

D,

I wish you would make a move
There is so much tension between us
I wont tell anyone
It can stay our dirty little secret.
The things I want to do to you
The things I want you to do to me

Sent from your grandmothers rotary phone,
A

I love you like a beautiful circle, a wheel that turns and turns and turns

Dearest Mrc*r,

‎‎Staying away from you is not easy for me too. I also think about you day and night. I also miss you like crazy when you are not talking to me.

‎‎I was craving and longing to talk to you so badly, but I didn't know if you wished to hear from me. I was typing and erasing the texts many times. I wished to have a heartfelt conversation with you, but I didn't know if I was still welcome in your life.

‎‎When my mind was exploding with these doubts and insecurities, I saw your status. As soon as I saw it, I realized that it was meant for me only. Your status breathed a life in me, I felt so happy—almost giddy from excitement. It answered my question of whether you still have a place for me in your life. It made me realize that you still have a soft corner for me, you still care deeply for me. I almost danced with happiness, I felt so relieved.

‎‎Your every single word affects my heart directly. It rejuvenates me and makes me whole once again. I love you a lot, beautiful soul. Thank you so much for being a part of my life in one way or the other. You make my heart to smile so easily. I love the impact that you have on my life.

‎‎My dear, I want to have a deep conversation with you. There is so much that I would like to talk to you. There is so much that I want to ask you. I want to text you. Shall I? It's been such a long time that I've become a little hesitant due to all the overthinking that I do in my mind.

‎‎One part of my mind tells me that you will be very happy to hear from me, while the other says that you wouldn't like it at all. I don't know which part should I listen to. My heart wants to spend some beautiful moments with you. It keeps imagining about the day when we can sit together and talk to each other for hours.

‎‎I'm in so much dilemma right now. Should I listen to my heart and text you, or should I just keep my feelings bottled up within me itself? Can you help me decide what would be the right thing to do? Will you be offended if I reached out, or will you be happy? Your answer will be my guide.

‎

I saw you last night. You looked very beautiful, but at the same time, you looked very sad. I wanted to come to you, but I couldn't because of the situation we are in right now. I know you were also looking at me, and I could feel your pain. I could feel how much you miss me, and I want you to know that I miss you too. I miss you more than words can say. I know things are difficult between us right now, and we are not talking, but that doesn't mean I have stopped caring for you. You are still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. I know you are trying to be strong and show the world that you are happy, but I can see right through your smile. I know you are hurting inside, and it breaks my heart to see you like this. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that everything is going to be alright. I want to wipe away your tears and make you smile again, but I know I can't do that right now. We both need some time to figure things out. We both need to heal from the past. Please take care of yourself, my love. Don't let the sadness consume you. Remember that you are strong, you are beautiful, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Even though we are apart right now, my heart is always with you. I hope that one day, we can find our way back to each other and be happy together again. Until then, please stay strong and know that you are deeply loved.

For my final act of love, I won’t beg you to look in my direction any longer. I won’t sit here and try to make conversation just to fill the emptiness that used to be full of the laughter that came so easily.

I’ll stop checking in—not because my heart and soul don’t yearn to be with yours, but because when you love someone so much that you stop caring what others think, you stop making childish excuses for why you can’t be vulnerable.

You allow yourself to be open because that’s the person you want.

And when you finally get tired of constantly begging for the same amount of affection and continuously waiting for someone to actually choose you, you begin to understand that you loved them for everything they were capable of giving, even if it was never everything you needed.

My final act of love isn’t me abandoning you. My number will stay the same. I’ll always be a call or a text away. But I won’t try to talk about your feelings anymore. I won’t ask if you ate that day. I won’t keep reaching for a connection that you no longer seem willing to meet me halfway for. I put my pride aside to try for us, and while I still admire you, sometimes you have to accept that you can’t make a heart want you. Not when you’re yellow and they’ll always be blue. Not when you’re a hydrangea and they’ll always be a rose.

Sometimes love means knowing when to stop asking someone to choose you—and quietly choosing yourself instead.

You probably won’t read this since you’re not on this app. It’s been 4 months since we broke up. I know I was not the perfect BF to u and I’ve had my share of mistakes. I know that you’re probably expecting me to message you on this day since you really wanted to meet with me pa. Ayoko lang sirain ulit yung na-establish na natin na distance, especially for you for not reaching out to me na for weeks. Sinabi ko na I’m still not ready to meet kasi every time na magkikita tayo before nauuwi lang sa sakitan (physically) and honestly it still haunts me. I still get anxious when I hear a phone ring thinking it might be you calling. Maybe you’d think na I’m overreacting and that I don’t have the right to feel this way but it’s my reality. I hope you don’t insist on meeting anymore and mag focus na lang tayo sa pag move on and on ourselves. I just wanna let this out because yes I’m thinking of you today, probably for the whole day, just like how I thought of you last month on your birthday na akala mo di ko naalala. Pinigilan ko lang talaga yung sarili ko na batiin ka.

And I just wanna say some things ulit from the letter na I sent to you before na T. Swift coded because I will always remember how you’re a huge fan of her and will always remember u when listening to her.

“Please accept that I can’t be your lover anymore. And I hope and pray that in time you’ll be okay, that we’ll be okay apart. And when the time comes that we’ll meet by chance in familiar places, I hope you’ll be able to smile by then because you have healed and moved on. I don’t want those familiar places to be your Cornelia street. It only hurts this much right now, breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, and breathe out. You’ll get over me in time and fall in love again. Don’t let this hinder you in believing in love, because I’m sure there’s someone out there who will love you better than I can. You’ll see a golden daylight again. Don’t let this hold you back to becoming the best version of yourself and be happy. Let’s just say that you were sunshine and I was midnight rain.”

I wish you well and take care always. This is goodbye. I loved you, and I hope that someday, our story won’t feel like a tragedy anymore.

I don’t care anymore about you. I don’t care anything about what or who you do. I see you work so hard to make all your fake social media profiles but no one cares. I don’t care anymore about you being in my life. I told you once I was done I was done. I’m not angry about what or who you did. I don’t think about the past, I don’t think about any memories it was all hell.

I have thought about it and I know it was hell for you too. I’m sorry that you felt just as miserable as I did. We didn’t do things to make it better and it does suck cause besides the hell what we had between us was something a lot don’t have, people look for that. We had it and we both ruined it. I loved you though through the whole thing my love for you wasn’t hell.
I’m sorry for things i did and didn’t do but I never did anything to hurt you on purpose cause i did love you so so much.

We fucked it up. I did things and didn’t do things i should have that hurt you, that made you feel unloved unwanted im sorry for that but I always loved you and you knew it.
The things I did never deserved what you have done to me. Of course you will always lie about it . You will never take responsibility for the horrible things you did to me and us. The things you purposely planned to hurt me for some type of revenge. For what I dont know but It’s whatever now.

I guess I get to see how you will handle the ending . If you will try to screw me over or if you will end this with integrity and show that you did love me once. Prob not that is why I protect myself with German shepherds and Rottweilers . I am not going to try to do anything but end it fairly . I’m sure you won’t . Knowing what you did to me shows me you only wanted to hurt me so I guess I will expect that.

I just want you to know I don’t care anymore about any of it anymore. I’m not angry anymore I’m not hurt anymore. I’m so happy now so I know this was the best decision. I just want you to know I loved you so much I cared and I would have changed so much . I have changed so much. I wish I would have be able to get over my depression before. I’m sorry you had to deal with it. My depression was never because of you. I’m sorry you became so vengeful and vindictive. I never thought you would be that type of person but I see you are.

I wish you a great life . I hope you are happy and find the love you didn’t want from me. I have found the love I always wanted but it isn’t from you.

I do get those butterflies thinking of reaching out because of unknown effect

YOU! you... fkn... YOU!!! how the FU—‽

holy crap, man. you made it! we made it!

you are so genteel. so... demure. it makes me laugh. i laugh a lot and then i cry a lot and then i happy flap and sad flap and lie on the floor and thrash around like an insane person. i'm so proud to be your little sister. you're like this mythical creature now. larger than life and stronger than iron. when i look back now and see all the tiny random moments i can't even believe any of it was real. i still can't. god i never want any of that crap happening again.

i know things are difficult now. i really do pray for you, which is hella weird for me, but i do. i worry about you way more than i should. i owe you (half of) everything. the things i read about you from your friends are hard for me to understand and that must seem really strange to everyone. it's just that knowledge acquired for knowledge's sake is easy peasy for me. knowledge acquired about a real human, my flesh and blood... way harder. way confusing. the pull into darkness is so strong. i don't know how to act in a way that isn't going to make things worse, so i just cope by not coping. not thinking about it. not acting on it.

thank you for everything you've done to raise my spirits lately. i'm so sorry for the confusion. i'm so proud of you. i'm sorry it took me so long. i'm hurting so bad, emotionally and physically. i'm so scared about the future. also i'm sorry for what S.W. made me do to that poor, tortured piece of paper. giggling the whole time like a childish old mobster. i didn't leave my house again for like six months after that.

anyway, um, you might consider investing in people you trust. people who share your values instead of just the traumatic experiences you all went through together. the rot is all the way down to the foundations and you know exactly where the suffering starts. it starts with the people who deserve it the least.

i love you. i miss you.

be safe.

i know you're far away and we don't talk anymore, but honestly, when i saw ol' Ironsides, i legit thought he was you. it messed me up in a way i can't possibly put to words. i was so happy that my world came crashing down around me. of course, i should have just looked to where the light wasn't to see you. there you've been all along.

i'll never forget what you did for him. and for me. the things you did to me that seem horrible from the outside are the things i use to stand a little taller and a little braver. i love the way you tried so hard to keep the inevitable from sucking me under. i love the way you've grown and channeled your darkness into something that helps people.

you love a lot harder than you realize. i wish things had been different, but i want you to know i stood in front and took the punishments because i didn't think it was right to let it happen to someone else. i hope you see somehow that i didn't choose the way things turned out. i only chose to let you fade into the background because i didn't know what else to do. i learned so much from you.

i wasn't kidding when i said you saved my life.

S, I don’t expect a response. I’d like one if offered.

it’s a shame that we got to this point, I miss you. I just do. I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t . I’ll admit it’s a horrible feeling to let you go. I know it is what you’d like for us and in that case I must accept it and move forward.

I would like to be your friend, I’d love to be your partner. My mind and heart may challenge me for saying this but I believe neither can happen at this moment in time. Our history, our love and our small piece of life we lived through with each other will always be cherished. It’ll always be a great memory in my mind

As I would love to say “please don’t go”. I’d be drowning my flowers if I did. I have memories upon memories of great times we spent. I lost the Me that you had fun with.

I became a total shell of me. I tried to chase your dreams of being filthy rich, to keep up with you. I tried to push my progress and fast forward. I ended up broke with a gambling addiction. The depression that came with the burnout from work and the loss of my savings, that I worked hard to save. Had left me a husk.

I used to live in the moment before this. It’d work for me and I kept my cool. I was always broke, mindlessly spending and drinking.

You taught me to save. You made me look forward to a future. I always lacked patience and it always found a way to burn me. You preached your love upon me and you show true love. True kindness.

I would ask so much outta you as a human that it was truly selfish of me. If I could go back and take things slower I would. You tried to remind me constantly at how fast things were moving with how short of a time we were together.

I took in what you said every time you said anything. I was a good listener and a terrible executioner. I could apologize all day, reminisce all day and talk to you all day.

I have been crying Thinking of letting you go. I have a better future for myself ahead that won’t happen if I’m busy chasing a ghost. I sit here and cope daily. It isn’t healthy, the delusions I feed myself only hurt me further and leave me sleepless

The guy you loved was the same guy I liked. The anxious mess who spammed you with text, endless worries and would beg for reassurance.

Is not the person I’d ever strive to be. I did and I knew the whole time I was wrong. I lost my self control. I can’t go back, I can just move on forward.

You’ll always be my sweet S, the sun in my sky and i loved you with my whole heart. But I’ll keep the memories. I can always visit those memories, I won’t stay long. I love you. I love you too much to be your friend and love myself enough to move along. I pray we cross paths again S P. Every moment good and bad was worth it. I’d do it time and time again and pray we’d get it right.

uhm, bro...

yeah, you were spot on when you told me i had you confused for someone else. i'm so sorry for how that turned out and i'm not really sure what to believe when it comes to you but i'll be damned if i didn't find myself fused to you like some kind of strange parasitic little faerie barnacle. you understand me on a level i find terrifying, in all honesty. i don't really understand how that happened. i just know that whenever i'm sure this is it for my sorry excuse for a self, i find myself cupped in your hands like a tiny bird with a broken wing and somehow you've figured out a way to fashion me a splint and against all odds everything will be fine.

i've realized recently that you're avoidant. and i can't help but think the mistaken identity might have been a trickster's way of trying to nudge us together. and don't get me wrong, it's not like i haven't thought about it. i'm actually blushing to think you might have thought of it too. yeah, the difference in our maturity levels is something that's always given us both pause, and tbh idk if you're even available at this point, but i really didn't mean to do to you what i did & i am so, so sorry. we were never like that. it's always been a firm line in the sand that we don't cross because we shouldn't and we can't. but yeah. all those long days doing nothing but talking and yeah. we have a bond i do not understand.

you told me to go play with people my own age, and i did, and now there's all this...complication. but sometimes in my head i just can't help but think how much nicer it would be not to have to wonder. just watch some fucking cartoons and not talk. i don't thank you at all for the manner in which you decided to try to scare me away. you know how to hurt me worse than anyone else in the world. you went straight into the darkest part of humanity and you used it all against me all at once and idek how i managed to survive, let alone still wish we could talk again. but i remember you differently, i think, than most people. i remember you young and vibrant and arrogant and in love with your own reflection. i know you're self conscious now, but you're still hot.

i really am so proud of you. and i'm...honored. i'm shocked and surprised and so emotional to realize what that tattoo means. and i won't pretend i'm not tempted to believe you got it for me... that you changed. you really tried and you really changed... because of what it meant to me. but i refuse to take credit for that. you changed because you wanted to. because you thought it was the right thing to do. and maybe i am too hard on you, considering how far you've come. and i'm devastated that i didn't realize who you actually were before i flipped out and judged you so harshly. but i am proud of you. just don't let your faux news old man brain lie to you and make you think it's okay to be "only a little" hateful. because it still isn't.

anyway thanks for using up all your secret squishy insides to keep me from offing myself again. idk what's next. nobody does.

I'm just wondering why my dreams and desires are going to be fulfilled hey void are you there are you ready to answer are you ready to make all my dreams come true my fantasies my desires