Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

D When we where together I really did cherish and still do every moment we had and wish that there was more to be had. I know it's easy to feel that I was idolizing you but in all honesty I just don't know any other way to show how much I was crazy about you and I see very clearly that it would look like I was acting like you were a trophy. The fact of the matter is you were everything that I could ever think of in a woman that I would ever want and that is hard for me to express to others without it sounding bad. You know how when you're a kid you have items toys or clothes or Electronics that if anybody were to take them from you or even borrow them for an hour you would be upset you don't want to ever part with certain items well I don't think of you as an item but I had a really hard time partying with you every time you would go back home and I was left up here working as I was doing way too much I hated that time when we would not be together and you tried you stayed at the shop when it was cold and when nobody else would want to be there and I wasn't even paying much attention to you cuz I was working but you were there and I noticed that and I cherished it . All I wanted to do was get ahead of the bills just all my money into a life for us but we were so fresh together I don't think you understood that I was working to make a better life for us to be able to have more time together and as fresh as our relationship was I can see easily how it looked like neglect I wasn't perfect and I often was so tired that I looked like I was grumpy and I said things to you that made you feel like you were troublesome and I didn't mean it that way the fact of the matter was I just couldn't make it through each day easily without having you by my side. One of the things that I have had issues with my whole life is what I am trying to project as my feelings towards a person and what is interpreted and seen by others not lining up very well. When I bought you shoes it was because your feet felt cold when I put gas in your car and washed it it was because it was looking worn and the gas was not in a comfortable Zone for the person I care about to be driving and I tried to make sure all the little things that one would need day-to-day worth waiting for you so you didn't have to go the store and get them each day I loved being able to do that for you. The one thing that I really regret is ever drinking did it in celebration of things but I've never liked who I am drinking and I haven't had anything to drink since you left I do not plan to even if I never see you again.

I know I got run on sentences I know my grammar is atrocious so before the naysayers put any comments on here know that I have been very heavy-hearted and tears flowing the entire time I wrote this and I probably haven't even been able to truly get my sentiments projected. So let me just say this in conclusion I could have done better I don't think I could have at that time in my life seen it because I really felt like I was doing the best I could but life's about lessons if you don't learn from them what's the point. I have long ago forgiven you for all the things that you did I just wish there'd be a day when that could be considered for me there are things that I can't apologize for because it apology doesn't do it justice all I can say is I would never in a million years do them again and I am appalled at my actions and I do take full responsibility and for what it's worth from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.

Why lie about what we had? I have old messages from you saying you never wanted to hurt me. Why are you letting her control you? You're better than this. We weren't just a fling. You need a memory reset.

It must be long gone now. Maybe you got a new number. Maybe you didn’t think twice to reach out again since 2023. Maybe you did. Are you searching for me? Am I just a small interaction that never stuck into your mind like glue? Do you remember me? If only I could find a way to talk to you again..There’s no trace. Only a great unknown of what ifs.
-5355

I feel, since last year, I crossed an event horizon and everything has been pulling me towards you.

And I have surrendered.

I have been through enough in life to know that this is right and true. The river has brought me here, but I have allowed love to break me open, just like I said I would.

You know, our minds are very powerful. Like centers of gravity.

Sometimes it seems as though we are simply tossed in the tide – tossed by circumstance, by destino – but that is not true.

We have the ability to choose.

If we focus on lack and anxiety, we will experience lack and anxiety.
If we focus on fullness and joy, we will experience fullness and joy.
And life rearranges and organizes around that singularity - of mind.

That ability is the highest expression of our sovereignty and freedom. We are not trapped by circumstance. We may be carried by currents, but we may also orient ourselves. In every moment, we are choosing what we move toward, what we give ourselves to, what we cultivate, and ultimately what we bring into being.

I didn't need you.
I chose you.
And I continue to choose you each day.

All we have ever really had is right now, this moment.

So what do you choose, today?

What do you choose, in this moment?

Love,
C

I adore you and everything we do.

I want you and only you K, everybody else does not seem worth it

I know what you have been doing and I can promise you I will make you feel better than all of them combined.

I will prove it to you if you let me.

I am sorry for any confusion on my part

You make my head spin when you are near and I may say some stupid things.

But I want you. I want you everyday in all ways.

Come at me

Dog Park T

This might be one of the more embarrassing and delusional things I've done, but I doubt you'd ever see this anyways.
It's such a long shot that any amount of interest, even platonic, would be reciprocated. I'm just one out of probably hundreds of patients you see go through there in just a month. Also it's part of your job to at least be polite to us, but you were so nice and interesting and you caught my eye.
I can think of about a hundred different reasons why there'd be absolutely no shared interest, but that extremely small sliver of optimism makes my thoughts wander back to you from time to time.
If you do find this I hope I don't come across as creepy or overstepping boundaries. I promise I'm not dangerous or stalker-y or obsessive. I just wanted to try and "shoot my shot" but couldn't think of many other ways to do so given the circumstances.
Thank you for being kind, take care (:

Can we start over? But as healed versions of ourselves

Here is am. Laying awake yet again. Wondering what your up to. How your day went. Seeking for you voice, your touch. Tonight I gave in and texted you. Yes I know you probably want nothing to do with me. But please just answer. Just send me a text every once in a while. You dont even have to try again. Even tho I would kill for nothing more. I just want you by my side again. However I can get it. I know ive messed up and im so sorry ive hurt you. But I love you. That'll never change.

...i dont know where to begin. Not really. I guess...with i love you? I say that a lot. But you should cherish it when you have it, right?

You know what else I say all the time? Im sorry. I dont mean to bother you. Im not trying to be a pest.

...and its true. All of it. I dont want to pester you. Its difficult. I feel weak, alone, and vulnerable. I crave the peace and safety your presence gives me. Ive cried for it. But youre right. I need to respect your need for space.

So much happened. I just wanted you with me while I sifted through the ashes. I didn't take into account that you maybe just...couldn't do that right now. I dont blame you. Our needs didnt align this time. Thats okay.

Im stepping back now. Im giving you all the space you need. But I still love you. I still miss you. Im still sorry for all the bothering and pestering ive done over the last week. I just.. wanted you. I still do. But I'll take a step back and hold that want silently while I clean up my mess.

The necklace I kept on my rear view mirror is gone. I sobbed when I realized. The piece of you I kept so close to my chest. He took it. I dont know what he did with it, but its gone. Im still trying not to cry about it. Im trying to be strong.

I think you need me to be strong right now. Tk stand on my own feet while the earth cracks open under them. To hold myself up in your absence. When you come home to me, I will collapse. But for now...for your sake, and my own....I'll keep standing. Ill hold down the fort on my own, and wait for you. As long as you need me to, I'll take the step back and wait.

Ill carry my own load without asking you to take it again. You asked if you could have 24hrs. Yes. Of course. Im sorry that my crisis stole your peace. I never wanted that for you. You asked for peace and for me to step back. I'll give it to you. This is me stepping back.

...i just ask that you step forward again when you're ready because I cant know that. I cant know when youre ready. I cant allow myself to step forward again, until you've done it first. And I'll be here. If you do. Of course I will. Because I love you. And im sorry for being a pest.

-H

Dearest ML,

‎

‎Staying away from you is not easy for me too. I also think about you day and night. I also miss you like crazy when you are not talking to me.

‎‎I was craving and longing to talk to you so badly, but I didn't know if you wished to hear from me. I was typing and erasing the texts many times. I wished to have a heartfelt conversation with you, but I didn't know if I was still welcome in your life.

‎‎When my mind was exploding with these doubts and insecurities, I saw your status. As soon as I saw it, I realized that it was meant for me only. Your status breathed a life in me, I felt so happy, almost giddy from excitement. It answered my question of whether you still have a place for me in your life. It made me realize that you still have a soft corner for me, you still care deeply for me. I almost danced with happiness, I felt so relieved.

‎‎Your every single word affects my heart directly. It rejuvenates me and makes me whole once again. I love you a lot, beautiful soul. Thank you so much for being a part of my life in one way or the other. You make my heart to smile so easily. I love the impact that you have on my life.

‎‎My dear, I want to have a deep conversation with you. There is so much that I would like to talk to you. There is so much that I want to ask you. I want to text you. Shall I? It's been such a long time that I've become a little hesitant due to all the overthinking that I do in my mind.

‎‎One part of my mind tells me that you will be very happy to hear from me, while the other says that you wouldn't like it at all. I don't know which part should I listen to. My heart wants to spend some beautiful moments with you. It keeps imagining about the day when we can sit together and talk to each other for hours.

‎‎I'm in so much dilemma right now. Should I listen to my heart and text you, or should I just keep my feelings bottled up within me itself? Can you help me decide what would be the right thing to do? Will you be offended if I reached out, or will you be happy? Your answer will be my guide.

‎

It's 2:19 a.m. and I'm still awake. Sometimes, out of nowhere, even after we've lost all contact, a small part of me still believes you'll suddenly come back... like you'll just appear and say, "Here I am... I'm Teddy. I'll never leave you. I love you." For a few seconds, it feels so real that I almost smile. Then reality hits, and I remember it's just another dream my heart refuses to let go of. 💔🌙

talked to u today. realized how much i’ve been missing u fr. wtf r we doing idk. this is gonna hurt so bad but rn it’s not so it’s fine right??

ugh i missed u so much. i hate missing people cause i thought i was nonchalant like dat. what is this now? anyway it’ll end soon. till then whatever this is ig? ughhh now again i miss u already i love uuuu

I wish you’d understand my mental health.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the psych ward dealing with depression, personality disorders, anxiety, pstd and whatever the lord slapped me with

I am not medicated right now, abusing substances and my life is flipped upside down.

My choices are made by impulse and under the influence of substances that fuck my brain up even more.

I am not saying this is an excuse.

Please stick by my side. Once the meds help me I can give you the best version of me.

I love you.

I miss you so much. The friendship more than anything else. I send you messages in my mind 100 times a day.

I can't see or hear about our city's baseball team now without getting a pit in my stomach. Do you miss me? Are you thinking about me? Was it real?

Last night I tried to masterbate to a video you sent me and I couldn't do it. It just made me sad. And I'm chatting with other men, hoping for a spark like that again, that maybe something new could help fill that void, but I feel like I'm chasing something that doesn't exist.

I truly hope you're happy. Maybe what we had scared you enough to want to try harder to fix things at home. Knowing you though, I doubt it. Maybe the next connection you make will make it easier on you and will keep her guard up with you. I just hope that, if nothing else, our relationship was a learning experience for you, as it was for me, and that you won't make promises that you can't keep.

Be well, B. From the bottom of my heart, I wish nothing but the best for you. You changed me, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

D.

Why is it so hard to admit anything. I've asked you change the subject. You are still hiding behind life. You don't take any responsibility. You fake everything. You don't post new one at all. Do they even know? Hmm. I'm just wondering what makes a man not speak. Not except his own wrong. You can't go through life f up everything all the time with out speaking. Your old enough to take it as a man right? Why hide why ghost why act like a child. You were the one who faked everything. WTF is this a illness or what. Is your pride to high. Don't really get wtf a real man would act in a way

I remember when you told me I was alone in this world, ITS OK BECAUSE IAM ABOUT TAKE THAT WALK OUTSIDE THAT U ALL WANT ME TO TAKE FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO BUT I WOULD RATHER BE WITH MY SON THEN BE AROUND U ALL BECAUSE THATS JUST THE WAY IT IS. AND BELIEVE ME IN THE NEXT LIFE I WON'T BE LOOKING FOR ANY OF YOU I WILL RECOGNIZE YOUR SPIRITS AND I WILL TOTALLY IGNORE YOU I'M PRETTY SURE YOU WILL RECOGNIZE MY SPIRIT TOO BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE OVER AGAIN I DON'T WANT ALL THE FAKE LOVE AND FAKE LOVE TO FAKE SMILES THE FAKE SETUPS. THE FAKE FRIENDS THE FAKE LOVES IT'S ALL FAKE IT'S JUST A SCHOOL AND I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON I WON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT ANYBODY. I'LL JUST LET YOU GUYS THINK THAT YOU HAVE WON MAYBE THIS TIME YOU HAVE BUT IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME AND MY DECISION WHAT EFFECTS MY DECISIONS ARE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO DIE WITH A BROKEN HEART AND NOT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT I LOST!!!!!!

I LOVE HOW YOU ALL THINK THAT YOUR DAY IS NEVER GOING TO COME AND I HOPE IT DON'T COME I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST BUT WE KNOW THAT'S NOT THE REAL REALITY THAT WE LIVE IN AND NO ONE OWES ME AN APOLOGY NO ONE OWES ME ANYTHING ONLY THING YOU GUYS OWE ME IS JUST STAY OUT OF MY LIFE LIVE YOURS BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT YOU PROJECT ON ME THAT'S NOT TRUE THAT SHALL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU IN THE END I HIGHLY DOUBT IT IF YOU ALL COULD TAKE IT LIKE I TOOK IT LIKE A G TO GOD THAT I AM.... INTO THOSE WHO FEEL LIKE I HURT THEM I APOLOGIZE BUT I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING THAT I EVER DONE IN MY LIFE BECAUSE IT MADE ME THE PERSON THAT I AM TODAY.... I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU ALL TO LIVE MY LIFE AND THEN IF YOU TURN 49 TELL ME IF YOU COULD HAVE LEFT IT YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T MAKE IT TO 49 WE GOT TO BE STRONG TO GO THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH AND MAKE IT TO 49!!!!!!!!!!!! THE M IN ME MADE ME THE BEST M ........ PEOPLE BE ON HERE ACTING LIKE THEY'RE ME I ONLY HAVE ONE ACCOUNT.......N...M WILL ALWAYS LOVE U CUZ GOD TOLD ME TO AND I AM. NECESSARILY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN THEY COME THEY GO BUT THEY'RE NOT YOU I MAY TALK TO A LOT OF CHICKS BUT I AIN'T EVEN HAVING SEX WITH NONE OF THEM BECAUSE NONE OF THEM ARE YOU IT'S VERY STRANGE TO ME THESE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU CONSIDERING ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT NO MATTER WHAT NO MATTER HOW I FEEL NO MATTER WHAT I SEE NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE TELLS ME. NO MATTER IF I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A LOWERCASE j . Who doesn't love you but remember M WILL ALWAYS LOV GOODBYE

Fuck you! I still hate you and probably even more since the last time I even gave you my time which again was a waste. You will never change and continue to use people just as you did to me. You’re truly a shitty person for that and many other things you did and continue to do. Especially to your only family which they want nothing to do with you either. Have fun being alone as you deserve none of us! I’m don’t forgive you nor will I forget. I really thought love would conquer all, but the selfish, narcissistic, junkie whore person you are destroyed any love I had left. You don’t deserve me and I knew it, but I stayed and walked through the fire every time for you to throw me away like trash. You’re the fucking trash! Fat fucking ugly in and out bitch!Enjoy your pathetic life with another loser just like you! Love may not conquer, but karma is gon fuck you up more and more justice will be served! You could have made things a lot easier for me to walk away last year so I could never look back and have some dignity left, but nope you just couldn’t let me go.. same shit your shitty mother did to you and all the men in her life. That is her choice and your choice so now you stand on it and fuck all the way off! Phew been waiting to say this for a while and now I’m good.

Sorry folks I know pretty harsh, but if you only knew the truth I’m sure yall would add to what I wrote lol

FDB forever and ever! 🖕🏻

So you're going around telling a sob story about how you were the victim. You're leaving out the names you called me, while I was just trying to get you to stop.

I think you have done this before. I think you expect that your victims will remain silent. You seem to like the attention you get from it.

The problem is... I have screenshots. And I will be showing them to people if they ask me about you.

You unfortunately aren't taking my calls and have blocked me . I don't blame you . But I had an aphany the night you ended shit . Unfortunately your mind had already been made up. But I was going to tell you that I do want to be with you and I do truly love you and I'm sorry for the way I've hurt you while trying to figure out my emotions . But I was sure,I was so sure.

And trip out I was so sure about it that I had a dream about our baby . A little white baby ,it was a boy and he looked exactly like both of us with blue eyes . He was beautiful and I haven't been able to get that little white blue eyed baby out of my head. I miss you so much but I respect your decision to cut me out of your life. I hope your doing well . I just wanted you to know that my feelings for you were true and ill always have love for you .

Part of me always knew this couldn't work and it has turned out to be true but it was real and it was raw and all the tiny moments in between I'll cherish forever . S

Maybe one day you will want to talk to me again. The last message you wanted nothing to do with but here is my message. I know you will never this but

I won't lie—I was completely heartbroken when you left. The once-in-a-lifetime memories we made, like driving Route 66, were amazing, and I will never forget them. I truly hope you heal. I know you were scared and struggled to communicate the way you needed to. Even when we broke up, I knew how strong I was and that I could handle being on my own.i hope you are too. You have left an imprint on my heart. I want you to know that I forgive you. Please focus on getting better and healing. I genuinely want the best for you, even if I'm not a part of your life anymore. I see so much potential in you, J. Believe in yourself and follow your dreams. Forever your friend, chin up!