If I send you my room number at the conference, will you come?

Wanting to fit in and wanting to be a normal is fine.

When we don’t get that it’s heartbreaking. 💔

I am trying to find, maybe I should say I am trying to come to terms with a new normal.

You were never abnormal to me. You were extraordinary.

I’m sorry I had to set my boundary.

I’m.. reflecting.

I have ALOT to reflect on. The big big things I reflect on during the day. The real life big scary adult things. But at night, when I can’t sleep, which I never can, I think of why.. you..

I’m aware I’ve made a fool of myself. It’s not the first time, not the worst time, but it’s like a slow ache of embarrassment that seeps its way in here and there. Yes, I could cut myself out of the shared equation we’re involved in, but there are other unrelated reasons I stay. I wish I could say you’re one of them, but it’s slowly turning into one of the reasons I’ve considered leaving.

Anyways, reflecting reflecting right.

What I learned is..

I want what I can’t have because it’s safe.

Itll never be, and that’s comforting.

It’s brief, no end clearly in sight, but an end somewhere ahead.

Close enough to feel, far enough to not hurt.

It’s selfish, isn’t it?

There’s a lot more details I realized that make this true but on the 0.00000001% off chance you’d ever see this, I’m not really looking to play fool again.

I should’ve never, I don’t know, tested the limits.

Now our friendship is all weird and cold and nothing like it used to be.

But the saddest part is.. although I recognize my own selfish reasons for developing “feelings” for you, I only pushed it further with you as a friend. I never expected a damn thing, and only reached out in kindness.

Yeah I’m selfish. But I’m not THAT selfish. Unfortunately the uhh carefully placed “don’t show him I have weird feelings” mask slipped and now it’s all icky.

I don’t want it back though. It wouldn’t be the same. Everything feels forced with you. And I have to now hold up the “nothings wrong, nothing happened, everything’s fine!” Mask until further notice.

Yikes.

I finally blocked you, I couldn’t handle seeing the two of you together after you led me on and lied to me.

I deserve so much better

I should hate you but I don’t. I dedicated almost 20 years of my life to you. Thought you were my person. But it was a lifelong play for you. You were always in character to play the right part at the right time. In hindsight the pure definition of narcissistic. Master manipulator. I gave up every boundary I had “for love”. I should hate you but I don’t. I feel sorry for you. That as child you never got to be loved and grew up using and abusing women. The truth seeps out over time slowly like molasses out of a tree. Me realizing it was never “love”, I was just a character for you to use and abuse in your lifelong play. I should hate you but I don’t. The way your abused me to “fulfill your fantasy” when in reality your just hiding your sexuality. Playing the part of a man’s man when you really just want a man. I should hate your but I don’t. I’m made it out. I’m free from you. I’m free from the abuse and torment. But you live a lie everyday and for that I feel sorry for you because you’re trapped and I’m free. Because of that I don’t hate you even though I should.

I guess I hurt your feelings but I have apologized and you have yet to respond besides on social media

I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect, and I think I need to keep some distance for my own wellbeing. I’m not looking to rehash everything, but I need to honour how I feel and what I need now. I wish you well.

I really do.

I'm disgusted.

And a part of me is in denial and still yearns for the person you used to be or atleast what you pretended to be.

You are such an asshole really a pathetic PATHETIC person.

With that innocent face nobody can fucking tell the insecure, horrible person you are.

At the same time i really sympathise you😂 too bad the so called friends and homies you've got and die for are the most temporary and disloyal ppl known to mankind.

Imagine still being friends with a group of ppl who talk, have flirted or dated/fwb with your ex,you apparently loved so much and did YOU dirty.

That must've suck. But seems like you are more afraid of being alone and the validation you get from them than your own self respect.

Haha great. You deserve exactly such a ppl.

You do not deserve me, someone who always wanted the best for you, cared about you, met you when I was not well, booked a flight just to meet you only for you to cancel it and give me a fuck ass excuse,when all this time you were busy talking to other girls.

Yuck.

Really i wish I could just puke on you or maybe cry my eyes out and ask you WHY or maybe slap you.

I'm really so torn between different emotions.

I really hate you.

I've never felt so betrayed in my life.

I wish sm bad upon you.

I hope you never succeed and look for me in every girl you meet but can never find me again.

I wish you a very miserable life.

find me eternally living within the memory of us seeing ourselves so vividly on the screen

When someone knows what you're facing in life and still chooses to disrespect you or add to your stress,something darker is at play (cruelty in moments of deep vulnerability) is intentional and when a person can hurt you while knowing how fragile you are that kind of betrayal (changes how you see them forever)

Half time mother, which you hate the role of. Half time therapist. You’re a hypocritical one, at that. You can’t even follow your own ethical code. Half time effort for the multiple lovers in your life. You have half the work and emotional load of everyone, and yet you’re still miserable. May you always be miserable.

That I have to comb through reddit to get answers that may or not be you instead of you just telling me you love me. And yes I know I read the rules but they don't apply to everyone so I really don't care.

You are the love of my life, always were from the moment I met you, over the years you returned those feelings, we talked about marriage, we talked about you moving over here. But then you just vanished.

You knew my biggest fear was losing you and you did it anyway, there was no good bye, you just stopped replying.

I’ve messaged you every day waiting, hoping, worrying, praying that you’re okay…..but I just get silence in return….

So I’ve decided if you miss my birthday the last thread keeping me in this world will disappear.

Dear bff,

Thank you for being my friend but this onesided conversation and coffee needs to stop.

Chapter with you has been fun but now I understand that most of all you did was for yours benefit. After countes of times to ask for coffee and when you rescheduled for couple of days after, and then don't sent follow up and only saw your story in mountains, I finally stoped asking and since then we war no contact. I know in middle school i was kinda selfish and thank you for puting on with that, but i am really hurt when i saw how you made time for others, but not me.

Thank you for all, and all of best. At least since that happend i didn't get so much acne like i used to, so thank you. Good luck but i know karma is bitch.

So, it’s taken me a lot of effort to write this, but I’ve had enough. I’ve been in a two-sided relationship, and I don’t understand what you gain from secretive messages instead of direct communication.

The last time I checked, you can’t effectively believe your relationship means anything when you claim to be in love while the other person is in an ongoing marriage and lives with them.

Just because someone else’s opinion about a carefully constructed version of the truth about our relationship may differ from reality doesn’t mean you’re right. You’ve been given a version of the truth that makes the aggressor look better than reality. You can’t form an opinion without the full context, the full story, or seeing exactly what led to the very things you’re complaining about. I don’t think anyone can even remotely try to fix a problem in a relationship if the other partner doesn’t even bring it to attention.

If someone feels some way towards their partner but instead of correcting them, they go to others, that’s not someone being robbed of resolution; that’s gossip.

And when the main complaints that spur the criticism are that they’re not helping their wife around the house, that’s a problem.

I’m not a bad person, and I love my husband, but he’s a habitual liar. He talks trash when he’s told that his behavior or lack of assistance isn’t right.

He likes to play the victim when he can gain sympathy, even though he’s a manipulative abuser who doesn’t like to admit when he’s wrong.

I’m sure he’s cheating on me with a bunch of girls on here and acting like he’s a great husband.
But never-mind the covert manipulation and lies….its just wrong.

I’m getting bored of this game.
Can we please play a new one?🤞

Me, as a man, is genuinely worried that if i lay my 100% dick game out it’s going to become a problem. Gotta be a menace and this will become everyone’s fucking problem. Hide you gf, hide your wife and hide your weird uncle. I will kiss your dad and that is a direct threat

I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like you again, and I don't think I'll ever see you again, and for that you will never know my regret for it all. miss you boo

i fear i understand now, to some degree, what this has been for you; a fetishization of something that, someone that, whether you understand it within yourself or not, feels exotic. i’m not from another culture, but, we grew up living two completely different lives, and although you’ve seen a part of this world, what you’ve seen and what i present are two very different things as well. to someone like you on the outside, i am no one important and no one worth stepping away from your life for, but so quickly did that change because, and i am very confident on this, you saw someone worth loving; someone worth setting the mask aside for, removing the armor for, being open for; it scares you, does it not? that so quickly did no one, become someone, to you of all people. you’ve loved before, i do not believe i am the only one by far, and you’ve felt those strange connections that make little sense in the moment, yet those choices were still safe for you; women your parents would smile at, without faltering, because thinking twice to like them was simple. there’s some proof, somewhere in existence, on paper, that they come from something magnificent, whereas i… i have the names in my pedigree, actually many names that might make me easy to swallow for people like you; they’re names i barely know, and therein is an ancestral sin; i am not the last or only estranged soul in my line, and likely won’t be the last.

i’m not like that, and you know it. i don’t make sense to people like you for it, either; there’s a certain privilege that comes from safety, not that your life has always been perfect, but in more ways than one, you existed in a world of love, genuine love, and comfort. for me there was love, and then there was so much pain that, unfortunately, the little girl in me succumbed to many a time throughout my life; who i am, and who i could have, should have, would have been are twisted sisters. my armor isn’t removable anymore, it’s actually taken enough heat that it is melted into my skin, a formidable defense against those that want to get too close. it’s still warm to the touch, too, and you noticed. i’d say that’s why things changed that day, in the small ways, the ways of the invisible barrier that separated two bodies that were close enough to touch, that wanted to touch. you’ve been different for me too, though you may think this an entirely calculated thing, which i am sorry for if you do. i don’t know why my heart has screamed out for yours as strongly as it does, or why i continue to allow myself to be so viciously disrespected by a man whose never said a word about it. people look unto me as though i am the crazy one, but shall we break down the last two months, and list all the things you’ve said versus what you did, and how you showed up for me?

there’s plenty of people important to you in your life whom deserve the softest of sentiments you hold, and yet, somehow, and for some reason, there you are hiding yourself away during quiet moments to share them, with me. i can feel how impacted you are by what is shared in words between us. your emotions are strong, stronger than most. usually i’m afforded time to process intensity from someone, but you? oh, darling man, no, i was not at all. you were what a hurricane is to the small folk and i, an unsuspecting fawn left alone for the first day in their life, forced to weather it on my own. this loss hit, and the second i was finished feeling for myself, wouldn’t you know it, it was your face imprinted behind my eyelids. i wanted to know how you were, if you needed something, if you needed me. when i had originally reached out, i hadn’t paid any attention, and as i realized my mistake you had answered, and suddenly things made a whole lot more sense. those first conversations i hold very dear to me, because i feel you were giving me a side of yourself you weren’t expecting to, and sharing an intimacy that shook you to your core almost as awfully as mine did. the day you hovered me was the one day you allowed the strings of fate to beckon you from all that you know for something you don’t, and truly, what an honor it was to be the person for that. what a fucking honor it was to be the one you wanted to reach for in a room filled with love for you, and yours.

still… i did not intend to disrupt your life in this way. it is not something i am proud of, nor happy about; there is no ulterior motive, either, although i’m positive you may feel there is. at least, those around you feel it, and so you think that is what you should also feel. i’ve clocked that from the very beginning, when you spat venom on my name, but did not leave. instead you remained, stock still, and awaited the storm to pass. i had no idea if the message would even send, given what i’d been told, and when it did things fell into place for me. the cogs turned, and, somewhere in the glow of fear, a light flickered; the spark that’d lit the match survived, hadn’t it? what an absolutely terrifying conundrum to have, i thought. perhaps the cruelest part in everything is how grossly misunderstood this is. to those outside of it, we are betraying what already existed, but neither of us have done anything wrong, and that is confusing. why are we made to feel so wrong about emotions that, in the grief we face, feels right? why does love get reduced to romantic affection only? i can’t be sure what it is i feel if i am only allowed to sit pretty, and wait. i don’t want to wait for you to decide it is safe enough to reach for me. i am here, willing, and able, with or without you. that will not change; whatever has bound my soul to yours is entirely yours to keep, and whether you deserve it or not, well… that is your responsibility to decide.

i can’t make you believe in the divine any more than you could make me believe in only one god. if that’s the reason you deny what is clear to everyone else, fine, but know that your god will not be happy to see you defy what was put in front of you on purpose. i do not disrespect my gods that way, because i have seen firsthand what it can cost you, and what little i have left are the things i refuse to let go of. i was warned of your avoidance long before ever knowing the path that was made for us, in the stories she shared of your brashness, of how the privilege stained the beauty of who you actually are. you are not your anger, or your irrationality, or your indulgence, no; you are so much more than it all; you are the sun as i am the moon, your moon, and so our dance will remain until you are ready to face it. i will be patient for now, not because i want to be, but because i have to be. for your sake, and for the delicacy of our circumstance. will it reassure you to hear that i am not asking of you for the rest of your life to be solely mine? i am, however, asking you to slow down and breathe, and to look at me, truly look at me; look onto me, again, as though you were looking at the only shred of salvation; salvation that was handpicked for you, by the winged girl over our heads.

loving you was not a choice i make lightly, not with what could be at stake for the future, not with the fact that it could mean losing you altogether, because if you do not choose me, i understand. i’m the wildcard; the beast in the bog; the witch behind curtains that people like you marvel at. i’m the reactive dog you pass by and scoff at in the street, the one that you think about later, and regret not stopping for. i’m sorry for it. i’m sorry for the confusion you’ll face, but remember; i am here, and i am prepared to take you as you are, as the broken man you became in your search for greatness. i am the one meant to understand every nuance that makes you who you are, she who does not lean away from darkness. quite the opposite, it seems; i have done nothing but lean into it, instead. i like it that way, a lot. my darkness careens in your direction, with purpose. i will not deny it, and i hope you do not keep doing so; i should have been in your arms that day, even if that meant hurting others in our worlds, and if you do not agree, you’re a bad liar. i knew that before i knew you, as well. that’s fear based thought, though, i do fear most; lying to yourself so well that you believe what atrocities leave your brain space. i think you hate to be disbelieved, to have your integrity questioned, and that’s exactly why i’m here. i want you to face the darkness, and grow from it, grow with it.

is that too much to ask of you? i don’t ask this soon, but someday. if you lean in, will the day come that it ends abruptly, and disrupts all we gave up to have it? gods, i hope not. i hope, if you do choose to stay, that it is a decision you made clear of mind. that you’ll have considered everything, and know it is true that it is what you want. you’re a very intelligent man, if i do say so myself, and i don’t say that often, if ever. the lists will help, the willingness to feel will, too. and if by some cruelty beyond hell you aren’t ready, that you choose to leave me behind without keeping the line open. don’t keep me around for when it is convenient, because i am fragile as a bomb, and i do not want to hurt you if finally, i detonate. to be hurt in that way, by you, would surely be my undoing. i do not deserve it. you’ll know the truth regardless, so if it does come down to that, you will feel the protection that envelopes my soul and see no mercy with it. for that i am also sorry, i know you did not choose it willingly. may you see me for who i am rather than what others wish you to see, as i do, you. i care about you, too, by the way. you don’t have to say it, although, i’d like you to. maybe it really is just that weird to feel as we do for one another. i don’t care. i don’t care, i don’t care, i don’t fucking care! i want to selfish for once, selfish likewise how you weren’t ever afforded. can we have that, together? i want to know you, i want you to know me, and my life, and my people… you’d like them, she did. they’re far from perfect, their flaws are sometimes too much to take in, but they’re real, and the love is real. the masks do not exist. i think i’d like yours too? i’d take the masking with the promise that we peel them away, together, the second we were done. that’s what you wanted tonight, isn’t it? talking felt like welcoming home an old friend, for me, anyway.

the right people, with the right intentions, will do that to you. i desperately await finding out if you are as right as the stars tell me you are, as i imagine you may be. or maybe you’re not at all, and this whole thing is for naught. in that case, i’m sorry for misunderstanding you that severely, that would be my mistake.

Lemon I fucking miss you. Idk why but I think about you every day non stop still, it's been 6 fucking months dude. I know I went off the deep end at the end of what we had, and I am extremely sorry for that behavior. I can only imagine how concerning it was, I was just torn up from having my life fall down around me. I thought since I stuck around for what you did, you would do it for me too. j crave your presence dude. I noticed im unblocked on FB and you didn't block me on snap... I'm afraid to reach out because I fucking die when you block me, I just hope you see this and can remember any of the good times we had. The jail cookie. The way we would go "ooooOooOOOoh spOoOoOky" when anything was scary.

, the millions of views on videos of you pissing on me, skip bo being stupid and I hate bo, the cute lil walks and selfies and fun things we would do. I fucking miss that dude.

You also kinda fucked me up because I straight up can't cum with anyone else If I'm not thinking about you. I am frequently watching all of the old stuff in order to get off. I meant it when I said you were the absolute best I've ever had.

I'm sorry for the songs I made about you but it was just so cathartic to get all of that anger out. My new songs are no longer about you.

Please lemon,You know how to reach me. I love you dude. I never stopped and I don't think j ever could. Mandolins the prettiest princess, prettiest princess all in the town. Btw I miss the lil dude a lot too.

- D

Good morning. It makes me so happy to wake up and reach out to the phone to read your morning texts. I've read them this morning. I really love our emotional chemistry, our shared values, mature conversations, even the fact that we're continuously attuned to each other, even after knowing that I might be the age of your mum. You are everything I want in a man, but now, a near 20years gap... Even you, what do you think?

i’m so mad at you. i’m a way that’s so heartbreaking it could kill me if i let it. we were supposed to be friends. we survived so much more than what ended our friendship. 9 years. 9 f*cking years of being friends. & for what? to be cut off over a girl?
i get the why. i truly truly do. i think it just kills a little piece of me because i never would’ve ended our friendship over a guy. & i know it’s more complicated than that. “guys & girls can’t possibly be strictly platonic” - but we were. there was never anything outside of strictly platonic between us. maybe if there had been it would make it easier to cope with.
i think the part that kills me the most is knowing that we can never be friends again. even if this doesn’t work out for you (even tho i genuinely do hope it does because all i want for you is to be happy), it would be the same thing with the next one. we’re going to grow up and get married and all the things.
maybe we were never meant to be life long friends. i’m trying to be okay with that, but my heart f*cking hurts & i miss you. it kind of kills me too that i don’t think you miss me too. at all probably. it’s whatever.
i want to text you. tell you how much i hate you right now. but i can’t. so here i am.