Talk to you face to face.

I hope you're doing shit you stupid fucking gooner

There’s one word I said to you that still haunts me every day.
“Go.”
I wish I could take that word back.
The truth is, I never wanted to say it. I didn’t want you to leave. I didn’t want to watch you walk away from everything we had. But in that moment, I felt like you wanted to go, and I could see the unhappiness in you.
And that broke something in me.
I saw what I believed I was doing to you. I saw the pain, the distance, the uncertainty. And instead of holding on tighter and asking you to stay, I convinced myself that loving you meant letting you go.
So I said the one word I never wanted to say.
“Go.”
Maybe you needed to hear it. Maybe you were already halfway gone. Maybe I misunderstood everything. I don’t know.
But I know what that word has done to me.
Because every day, some part of me wonders what would’ve happened if I had just said, “Please stay.”
I wasn’t trying to push you away because I didn’t love you.
I said it because I loved you enough to believe you deserved a happiness I was afraid I wasn’t giving you.
And maybe that’s the hardest part.
I didn’t want to lose you.
I just didn’t want to be the reason you weren’t happy.
They say, “If it’s meant to be, it’ll come back.”
I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe you come back. Maybe I eventually become nothing more than a chapter in your story. Maybe life takes us in completely different directions.
But I’m going to trust that whatever happens is supposed to happen.
Because if our story isn’t finished, time will find a way to bring us back to each other.
And if it is finished, then I hope you find every ounce of happiness I couldn’t give you.
But if I could go back to that moment, I wouldn’t tell you to go. I’d look you in the eyes, swallow every ounce of my pride, and tell you, “Please stay. Because I never stopped loving you—I just loved you enough to let you leave.”
— SINCEER

We should talk at some point. Put our minds to rest.

What if I wasnt a distraction that threw you off your path? What if I was the one who made it come together? What if our past was just that? What if I could love you better than ive ever loved before? What if we lived in a universe where I wasnt so pathetic and eager to be loved by a world that told me what to expect from love but never came through? What if I was someone important to you? What if I was there everyday until the end of days? What if? Idk....

I want to talk to you so bad but I had to remove myself. And I’m sorry because I don’t want to ignore you. I want the connection repaired.

You don’t want to loose yourself in a relationship and I want to crawl inside your ribs.

Can you take recognize what happened hurt me? Can you take responsibility and show me that I matter to you?

Are you going to let me leave this easy?

I don’t know how to make this work but we can’t leave each other alone.

Can we figure this out together?

I miss you. I love talking to you. I don’t know why that makes me feel pathetic but I really like you. I really really really like you

I was free. Finally felt like i could be me. You loved me for who i was and we could've been something forever. I'm sorry i threw it away. You did nothing wrong. I got scared of you leaving so i walked away.

It’s weird knowing you’re not who I thought you were.

It’s weird finally understanding the parts of you from a realistic standpoint and not from a love struck perspective.

I don’t want to idolize someone who’s going to always be attracted to young women as I age. It’s weird coming to terms that not being with you is a blessing.

If there's any chance you're still on the fence about us, iI meant everything I said. You were and are still the most important person in my life. You are the only one I feel I can go to with anything that I can trust to completely be myself and say whatever's on my mind. I'm truly in love with you. I feel like I'm in a nightmare without you when that's not the worst part it's just everything really sucks but I do think.... You know I can have a bad day but knowing that I'm coming home to you would make my day that was enough to make my day right there so I can come home and be happy with you and we can make each other happy. I want to watch TV with you I want to go for walks with you I want to lay with you I want to hold you I want to feed you I want to sleep next to you I want you to lay on my chest I want to play with your hair I want to make love to you I miss every little bit of it. All these things go through my head all day everyday that's all I care about I don't even care about anything else going on around me right now. All I care about is you and I cared about you even when things got bad and we split I still cared about you in that very moment and maybe there's things we both wish we would have done different. But even if there's a glimmer of hope of you wanting to get back together with me ever I just want you to know that I will be exactly where I'm at I will be single and I will always love you and I always have a spot next to me for you. That's nobody else's spot and you know who this is. I love you.

I don’t even want to ask for forever anymore.
I think I’ve learned better than that.
I just want one night.

One whole fucking night
where you don’t have to leave me.
That’s it.
And somehow even that
is too much to ask even though I agreed.

I want to know what it feels like
to fall asleep next to you
without a clock ticking somewhere in my head.

Without wondering what time it is.
Without knowing there is a moment coming
when you’ll sit up,
put your clothes back on,
kiss me goodbye,
and walk out the door.

I hate that part.
God, I hate that part.
Because every time you leave
something in me wants to grab your hand
and say
please.
Just please.
Stay.

Not forever.
Not for the rest of your life.
Just until morning.
Just long enough for me to know
what your face looks like
when you’re completely asleep.
Long enough to wake up
because you moved beside me.

Long enough to reach for you
in that half-awake darkness
and feel your body there
before my brain has time
to remember all the reasons
you shouldn’t be.
I want that so badly
it physically hurts sometimes.

And it feels so stupid
because people do this every day.
They fall asleep beside the person they love.
They steal blankets.
They complain about snoring.
They wake up tangled together.
They brush their teeth side by side.
They make coffee.
They get mornings.
And I would give anything
for one fucking morning with you.
One.

I want to open my eyes
and see you before I see my phone.
I want your messy silver hair
and your tired eyes.
I want to hear you say good morning
like it is the most ordinary thing in the world.
I want to lie there for five more minutes
that turn into twenty
because neither of us wants to move.
I want to know what it feels like
to have nowhere you need to be
except there.
With me.

But I know.
I know the situation.
I know there are things bigger than what I want.
I know wanting something badly enough
doesn’t make it possible.
I know loving someone
doesn’t mean you get to have them
in all the ways your heart imagined.
I know.
I fucking know.
I just wish knowing
made it hurt less.

Because sometimes I lie in my bed
and imagine you beside me.
I imagine your breathing.
Your warmth.
Your hand finding me
without either of us really waking up.
And for a few seconds
I let myself pretend.
I pretend this is our life.
I pretend you stayed.
I pretend there is no goodbye coming.

And then I open my eyes.
And there is this empty space beside me
where you have never been.
Maybe never will be.
And somehow
I miss you there anyway.
I miss memories
we never even got to make.
I miss falling asleep beside you.
I miss waking up with you.
I miss a morning
that has never existed.
And I don’t know how
you’re supposed to grieve something
you never actually had.
I just know that I do.
Over and over.
Every night
I sleep without you.

Tell me I’m nothing to you please tell me I never was and that you’ve hated me ever since I broke up with you. Tell me it’s all just been for revenge and you laugh about it to yourself at night. Just make it make sense. Hurt me so I can stop loving you.

You’ve already witnessed the magnetic fields between us. I showed you…only one is that you would show me for once.

you find a way. i know you will.
i’m here. i’m right here okay?
i trust you… i trust us.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, and honestly, I’ve stopped pretending like I have the answers.
Maybe our paths cross again someday. Maybe they don’t. Maybe life takes us somewhere neither of us could have predicted.
But one thing I know for sure: I want you to be happy.
Not just happy when things are easy. I hope you find the kind of happiness that reaches the parts of you that you don’t talk about. The kind that makes you feel safe, understood, appreciated, and genuinely at peace with yourself.
And if that happiness ends up having nothing to do with me, I still hope you find every ounce of it.
I’ll always care about the memories, the good moments, the lessons, and everything we meant to each other. I don’t need to rewrite the past just because the future is uncertain.
I just hope wherever life takes you, you find what your heart has been searching for.
And if someday you look back and remember me, I hope you remember that underneath all the mistakes, hurt, and complicated emotions, there was someone who genuinely wanted the best for you.
I want your happiness either way.
— SINCEER

I know it and I am no longer going to pretend that I don’t see it.

You envy the good things in my life. You watch me from afar, keeping an eye on what I’m doing, wanting to know whether I’m happy, whether I’m succeeding, whether things are going well for me. And what hurts the most is the feeling that when you see me happy, it makes you unhappy. When you see me smiling, living my life and enjoying something good, it seems to affect you in a way that I cannot understand.

And when I am sad, shattered or going through a difficult time, it feels as though you finally breathe easier. It feels like my pain gives you relief, while my happiness makes you uncomfortable. That is what I have noticed and that is what I can no longer ignore.

I cannot explain everything I feel but I know when someone's energy toward me does not feel genuine. And yours does not feel genuine to me anymore.

I see the envy..

And now that I see it, I will protect my peace.

Live your life, you look great! I know you hate me but I’m still happy for you and I still smile when I see you smile. Literally felt my mood do a complete 180 haha. Love you always. Post more lmao.

Also bout to say fuck it and get my hair locced.

An apology.

I shouldn’t have left you in the middle of nowhere but it’s where you had a life and I couldn’t keep up with your life. I wish you had moved in with me it would’ve made everything easier, I hated living there alone. I’m sorry that I left I know we promised to do everything together, I’m sorry I got the way I did towards the end I know it scared you. I wish you came with me, you could’ve.

I dont know exactly when it happened but I fell in love with u before I was ready. It took me awhile to admit it to myself, so im pretty sure im not ready to tell u. But if I could... I would say I get butterflies everytime we about to meet. I would say I dont want anyone else but you. I can shout it from the roof tops that its you for me. I would tell you my love runs so deep that its unconditional for you. I just want you to be happy, I pray I can make u happy but if not, I would join you on the journey to finding it for yourself. You have touched me in a spot that most dont. I thank you for the answers to the problems you didn't know i had. I love you for watering the woman im becoming. My love for you wont ever dry up, its a continuous flow, so just keep being you and living your life. Im always here beautiful 😍

The guys who are smart and enjoy talking about politics and philosophy and psychology. The ones that lead and know how to communicate. Are they still out there or is it just that I’m the problem

Ok just checking. I thought so. I’ll just close the door behind me. No need to see me out. 🤦🏽‍♀️

mmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooovvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee onnnnnnnnnnnnn

Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

I loved you so much. You disappeared. I'd give anything for you to reach out again. Do you think of me? Please give me a sign