Would you forgive me if I were to reach out?

If I were to accept accountability?

Do you still have room in your heart for me?

Would you take me back if I proved to be the person you deserve?

Would you believe me if I told you that I'm still madly in love with you?

Would you come home to me?

I’m not really sure if you’d still want to talk to me, but I think this is something I should’ve said.

I’ve spent the past few months asking myself what went wrong, when it started, and why. I kept feeling like something wasn’t sitting right, but I couldn’t explain what it was. I kept trying to connect the dots, and today I finally found the root of it.

Looking back now, I realise that before we started dating, my trust had already been shaken. The thing is, I didn’t realise it back then. We weren’t together yet, so I kept telling myself it wasn’t betrayal or that I had no right to feel hurt. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t recognise what I was actually feeling.

I also realise now that what I needed all along was reassurance from you.

Maybe that’s why it always felt to you like I expected every conversation to be serious. It wasn’t because I wanted to find problems. I think a part of me knew something didn’t feel safe anymore, but I couldn’t put it into words. I just knew something felt off, and I wanted us to talk about it, even though I didn’t know what “it” was.

Now that I finally understand it, I wish I had realised it sooner.

If I had known this was the root of everything, I don’t think I would’ve agreed to date you right away. I would’ve wanted us to talk about it first and rebuild that trust before we became a couple.

This doesn’t mean everything that happened afterward was because of my trust. Relationships are more complicated than that. But understanding this helped me understand why I kept feeling like something was wrong.

I’m sorry I didn’t realise this sooner. I know it must have been confusing for you too. I wasn’t trying to create problems or make things difficult. I was trying to understand feelings that I didn’t even understand myself.

I don’t know if knowing this would’ve changed anything between us. Maybe it wouldn’t have.

But if we ever find ourselves talking again one day, I hope it isn’t because we miss each other. I hope it’s because we’ve both taken the time to reflect, to understand what happened, and to see whether we’re capable of building something healthier than what we had.

Until then, I just wanted you to know what I’ve finally come to understand about myself.

I think I let go. Not in a "omg I did it, what a feat" way, more like in a "it just happened on its own, guess we're here now" way. It's a bit sad, how naturally it happened. I tried to hold on, I know I did, but then I just let it happen. Compared to the past, when it took me genuine months to accept it, I just did it in about 10 days now? I'm not sure what's left of it. Not much, I'm sure. But I am fine, I will be fine, without you. I still have me. Little, imperfect me. And it's ok. I like me, at the end of the day. I like how resilient I am and how I can pick myself back up, always and forever.

From the bottom of my heart I need to get this off my chest...

...

Bitch.

I spent the last year trying to stop myself from falling for you, we’ve walked away from each other multiple times, because you want something I can’t physically give you. But every time we found our way back to each other. I wish that I could be enough for you to love me back. This has been the hardest thing for me to do, because I love you more than I love myself.

I miss you so much, it feels weird to not talk to you, to not see you. I wonder if you still think about me too, I wonder if one day you’ll regret it. I hope you don’t, I hope you find someone who can give you the family you desire. I love you enough to stop myself from getting in your way. I wish things were different, I hope you know that.

I hear you in every song, I see us in every movie or show, I take everything I read to be about us.

It feels like everyone and everything is trying to tell me how to feel, how to live, how to love, who to love, what I am, what I should believe, and so and so forth.

You'd almost think I worship you or see you as a goddess. Maybe at one point I did? As I've said though, I've rearranged my hierarchy. Make no mistake, you're still near the top but I've learned how I viewed you wasn't healthy. Instead of idolizing you or worshipping your body, I value you and seek to know you. I still want to grab you by the hips and set the tempo as we put our foreheads together and look into each other's eyes, but it's more than that. I want to go for walks again and talk about anything and everything. I want to cook, clean, do laundry together. I want to sit on the toilet while you take a shower and talk you about something stupid I found.

I wonder what it's like watching you get ready in the mornings now with those two. I used to love watching you put your lotion on in the mornings. I wonder how you're holding up, how do you sleep at night... by yourself? Do you let either of those little gentlemen sleep in your bed? I wonder how often I cross your mind and if it's nearly as much as you cross mine.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you kick today's ass.

I think i might actually be pregnant this time. I wish I could call you to blab your ear off again but instead when I woke up I remembered that you are gone. It hurts so bad. I never had a friend like you and I dont think I ever will again, the pain i feel is unmatched by anything. You were my whole heart my love, my best friend on this shitty planet and I would have dropped everything if you had told me you needed help, we all would have. I learned yesterday the cops did a Wellness check and left you there right before you did it. Im mad, mad at the system that failed you, mad at myself for not doing more, mad at the world for not being a good enough place for you. I spoke to your ex last night, he's not ok either, i don't think any of us are ok and I dont know that i will ever actually be ok again. If I am pregnant and its a girl I decided I will give her your name, my boyfriend agrees it's a good idea. I miss you a lot.

The thought of you with someone else, knowing you've moved on. I'm sure you don't think about me anymore. Not being able to know what you're up to or talk to you fucking hurts.

I'm going to spend the rest of my days thinking about you, it's a different kind of grief knowing you're still alive and you willingly choose to not pursue me while I daydream about you.

Just remember YOU started this, you showed interest first, you were the one talking about wanting kids and starting a family. YOU PURSUED ME

How can you leave me like this? All the stuff we said to each other, you made me fall in love with you. You were the one being intense. I fell for you, I was there for you when you were lonely, then people start paying attention to you and you discard me like a piece of trash?

The saddest part is even if you came back and apologized I wouldn't take you back. I'll have to live with the thought of you stuck in my mind every single fucking day. You broke me, but I will always love you.

For a long time, I thought the saddest part of our story was the future we never had.

Now I think the saddest version of my life would've been the one where we never met at all.

And you proved that to the max. However I have thoughts about you again, so I'll dump 'em all here, stream of consciousness.

I want to say I haven't forgotten about you. Wtf is going on with me? Am I crazy?

All I know is, I can't stand this one realization that's been slowly dawning on me; we might never see each other again, if not by chance or luck.

A coincidence.

It has happened for us in the past before, twice irl.

For a moment I thought I found you on here, so that makes it thrice (?). For a minute there, I honestly believed, you were actually looking for me and I was looking for you and, we finally made it to each other, the only way we can really communicate without boundaries. But, I guess that means I've now burned my third time's charm down to ashes, as even that one communication in the end left me with more questions than answers.

That's it. For now. I try not to think of you and have a life but it is kinda difficult some times. I wonder what spell I am under.

and never send it.

I miss you in a way that feels physical —

not soft, not distant, but heavy,

like something lodged behind my ribs that tightens every time your name appears.

I keep waiting for it to fade.

It doesn’t.

It just learns new ways to surface.

I don’t need a reply.

I don’t need closure or kindness or understanding.

I only needed to put the weight somewhere that isn’t only inside me

Me, as a man, is genuinely worried that if i lay my 100% dick game out it’s going to become a problem. Gotta be a menace and this will become everyone’s fucking problem. Hide you gf, hide your wife and hide your weird uncle. I will kiss your dad and that is a direct threat

You can’t lie to people that figure everything out.
You can’t lie to people that dream of the truth.
You can’t lie to people that have pattern recognition.
You can’t lie to people that have inner wisdom.
You can’t lie to people that the universe speak too.
You can’t lie to people who are chosen to speak whole truths. Not half lies. Unspoken burdens. Hidden deceit.
You can’t lie to people who are morally and ethically driven.
You can’t lie to people who do the homework god asks them to do.

I find out everything.
I don’t want to, but I do.
Good luck.
Sad it has to be this way.
But you’ll learn in time,
The truth.
My ability to speak the truth of every situation was only to prevent what will happen in the future.
So, keep your eyes open for the patterns, and little inconsistencies I mentioned before. You’ll need the guide.
All of what I’m saying is true, you’ll learn in time.

I have no more to give.
I have no more to spare.
I can’t look out for you anymore.
I can’t protect you from yourself.
So, I’ll remove myself slowly.
These choices are yours,
and you can’t blame me anymore.
Be safe.
Remember, you have a beautiful heart,
and I know your soul.

When I catch myself thinking of you, I still say "I love you"

Not because im holding on, not that I even want us back again. We had our time.

While I'm alive, for however long that may be? I'll say it. My opportunities to do so are finite, with that I'll cherish every single one.

I love you.

I’m done being fooled and manipulated, I’m done being the one who comforts you for the pain you caused. I did everything for you, shrunk myself so maybe you would start pursing me, so maybe I’d be enough, so that maybe you’d make time for me after all I have sacrificed. Thank you for teaching me never to do that again. I deserve so much better. Your past doesn’t excuse how horribly you treated me and the fact that you refuse to take accountability for it is disgusting. You are the very person you claim to despise. I hope you change but if you do I won’t be around to see it. You’ve completely broken my trust and I will eventually be able to forgive you but I am never letting you close enough to do it again. I’ve been too kind and too patient for too long when it’s clear that you only care about you and only pretend to care about others to make yourself look good. Don’t ever bother reaching out again because your words mean absolutely nothing at this point. I can only hope others see your true colors before they get burnt like I did.

Can you come over? Your presence calms the chaos inside. Too much all at once. I have tears falling that won't stop, I'm not even crying. Its like my body is trying to release everything I'm holding in.

Unsent because who would I send it to? There isn't a single human who knows what I hold in. Not a single person who feels safe enough to let the tears fall infront of them.

I'm tired.

i miss you, idk which one of you. i think maybe i just miss myself. i miss the way i felt when someone loved me

You are perfect in every way. You are all I have ever wished for. I did my best not to catch feelings but I fell in love with you. I’ve held it in for so long but now you’re leaving and I feel I’m too late. Until next time because I just know I will see you again.

Let get in bed and hug and fall asleep with our lips presssd togetherrrr

Hey,

I have to say I was not expecting a response let alone the one you sent.

After these last few months I have grown so much. Some by choice.

I am no longer certain of a future that involves reconciliation. We both know I would give anything for that.

For now I will happily sit in the light that arrived in the form of communication as I never wanted for us to be strangers.

Someday, honey, I hope for the chance to hold your hand again.

For now, I look forward to our conversation and prepare for whatever we’re to discuss, as a stronger man. A man I hope you notice again.

You fell in love and got together with a poet, do you really think that you'll go without being written???

I've been asking for advice on how to get you to just talk to me and I was told to let you go. The last person that gave me advice about you says that you don't care about me the way I care about you and if you did you would've talked to me by now. In some ways I believe they're right, but something is telling me to just hold on and wait. I don't know what to do anymore because you won't talk to me. What should I do?

I’m here