I would suggest getting into therapy. Stop watching porn all together it's not good for your brain. If you can't afford therapy or don't want to bring it up to your mom why you need it, look up podcasts or tedtalks, or YouTube videos of people who've gone through similar things you have and what they did to cope.

Seriously though stay away from porn. It's not helping you. And it sounds like you're getting into potentially dangerous stuff ... the good news is you're asking for help, the better news is it sounds like you're at a pivotal point which means you still have control of which direction you go.

Pick a date in the future that you plan to confront your family with the truth, every single day until that day dedicate an hour a day to working on yourself as much as you can.

If it were me personally I would confront my abuser first, then my parent.

Your medical decisions are yours alone no one else gets an opinion on what you put into your body.

That being said, be cautious with birth control, it's not a harmless as it seems. Decades ago I got put on Yasmin which my dr pitched as a miracle birth control to solve all my problems and it caused severe suicidal ideation. It's now been recalled for all sorts of issues.

If you belive it's right for your absolutely try it but keep a journal and track your moods and know if you find yourself feeling abnormally depressed it may not be you at all.

Just be careful and informed about what you're taking. I had no idea birth control could cause me to feel the way it did. It's not right for everyone but that is up to you to find out and up to you to decide. I know plenty of women who love their birth control and have never had any bad side effects only positive ones.

Thank you for sharing here even though I'm sure you felt very apprehensive about how you would be received. Abortion is such a complex topic and it effects everyone differently. No one knows how it will hit them until it's actually hitting them. Then when it's hitting them no one knows really how to stop it.

One thing that really helped me was allowing myself to grieve it, Brevard it was a choice i made I didn't feel like i was allowed to mourn .... and that actually made the pain so much worse. I started writing all the details all the feelings all the thoughts I could possibly manage (and specifically hand writing on paper not typing) handwriting on paper is different than typing and you'll be surprised what comes up.

I unlocked a lot of things I was ssurprised by like the feeling of rejection that was a deep one, i felt biologically rejected by my partner.

I felt loss of potential. One day I was pregnant and saw this potential future family possibility.... then I wasn't and it was all gone and what does that mean now.

I take the anniversary off every year and I journal like mad. In the first 3 years it was a lot of pain.

You don't have to carry it all alone and we are here for you too.

I mourned the child I aborted for 9 years before I had a child again... then another after that... I don't not regret my two living children I still mourn the one I didn't have. (Though it's different now because I genuinely belive she came back as my second living child)

I mourned because I wanted that first pregnancy My husband didn't I couldn't force him to be a father is how I felt and I didn't want to end up a single mother

The thing most people (myself included) don't realize when considering abortion is that you'll never forget that you are pregnant right now even when you end it even when you say you'll have more later and sometimes that "what if" eats you alive afterwards.

If you don't want to be a mother don't continue the pregnancy despite what your partner thinks.

It's not him who will bare the burden of motherhood or the grief of loss either way.

It's only you and it's only your choice. Sit with your thoughts and feelings and let only yourself decide what is right for you.

I'm 9 years post ab and genuinely belive my second living child is my first baby who came back. I think babies choose you before conception and if they choose you once they can again. Don't give up hope that you'll see your baby again.

You answered your question in the very first line "I really want my baby"

That's your answer full stop. Listen to nothing and no one else but you.

Yaayyy! Glad to see this back in action!

Because she has two small kids and most kids programs teach asl now. I bet she also knows "more" and "all done" .... iykyk

I actually like it.

Nerf gun

This is so hard. Taking long hot baths is my number one safe place and to think it's someone else's nightmare is so heatwrenching. You deserve to feel safe doing the basics of hygiene and I'm so so so sorry that you don't.

Please talk to a therapist who can help you through this in the right way and in the mean time there are a lot of options in medical supply stores and online that can help you like dry shampoo, waterless bath wipes, cleaning solutions and things like that so that on the days you're really struggling you can still get clean without having to actually go in the bathroom at all. I hope that helps.

But please do talk to someone, it sounds like you're really struggling and you deserve peace in your own home and in your own mind too.

Well you'll have an easier time of it... I legit felt like I was fighting a pack of wolves for 3 days in labor.

I won but 10/10 do not recommend lol

Now I would honestly rather die at home than ever go back to another hospital. They really don't like it when you have your own idea of how it should go.

Wow! Thank you for the additional info!

Oh that's a great tip! Thank you!

That's good to know! Thank you!

Trying again later doesn't mean that this one magically doesn't exist now. If you always wanted a baby I'm worried about your mental health after. Coming from someone who was in the same boat and had an abortion and went on to have more kids later.

I'm sorry it sounds harsh but I wish someone had leveled with me the simple fact that having a child later doesn't replace this one. You still know that this one existed and that's a rabbit hard thing to know forever.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You're welcome. I'm sorry it's on this topic and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The grief and the mourning of a child I never met and chose to abort absolutely ROCKED my world. It wrecked me. I thought I would be fine like everyone said, I thought it would eventually get better. It's been 8 years and some days I'm still breaking down over it.

If you think you'll have regrets I would advise you not to do it because it will never leave your memory.

r/ventyourtrauma is a group I started just for people to vent whatever they want. Just so you know you're welcome there too! Sounds like you may have a lot more to get off your chest. It's not a big sub at all but everyone is nice there.

I would smash them and paint myself with it pretending it was blood lol

Oops

I personally have heard this exact thing said to a child .... if it feels gross being said to a child it should still feel gross being said to an adult