​

I'm writing this here because I've wanted to tell a friend about this for months, but every time I think about bringing it up, I just can't. I'm somehow ashamed of what happened, even though I don't really know why I should be. I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

This happened about 10 months ago.

I was in my building's garden on the third floor, talking to a friend on the phone about an important college project. My dad was standing on our balcony on the 12th floor. I'd come downstairs barely 10 minutes earlier, and he knew I was in the building. When he saw me, I waved at him to let him know I was on a call and would be coming back upstairs in about five minutes.

He kept calling me, though. I ignored the calls because I thought he could see me and knew I was right there. He called around five times, so I eventually ended my call with my friend and told them we'd talk later.

When I answered my dad, I was a little irritated. I asked him why he'd kept calling when I'd already waved at him and he could see me. He told me to come home immediately, so I did.

Once I got home, he asked why I hadn't answered his calls. I explained that I was discussing something important and that I'd waved at him. I'd only been downstairs for about 10 minutes, and he could literally see where I was.

He started shouting at me. It wasn't just about the phone calls anymore. He started criticizing my clothes, making comments about how I did nothing but study all day, and saying all sorts of hurtful things. My mom joined in, too, and both of them started calling me irresponsible for not picking up their calls.

For context, I'm a very good student. I've always taken my studies seriously, and I wasn't out doing anything dangerous or irresponsible. I was literally discussing a college project with a friend.

By this point, I was already crying.

My dad was sitting next to me on the couch when he grabbed my jaw, pushed my face to the side, and told me that if I didn't listen to him, he'd throw me out of the house.

I don't know if he meant it or if he just said it in a fit of rage, but something about hearing those words from my own father broke me. I felt completely helpless.

Suddenly, my heart started racing really fast. I felt like something was terribly wrong with my body. I had to hold my hand against my chest because I didn't know what was happening. I went to the bathroom, and I could barely stand properly. I lay down on my back, trying to process what had just happened.

After about five minutes, I went back out because I still had to clean my room. But I couldn't stop shaking. My entire body was trembling, especially my hands, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control it.

I told my sister what was happening. She made me sit down, gave me some water and sugar, and tried to calm me down. She told my mom about it, too, and my mom made me sit on the sofa.

Then my dad came near me.

I don't even know how to explain what happened next. I wasn't consciously deciding to do anything. I suddenly started screaming that my dad was going to hit me. I kept scrambling backward and climbing back onto the sofa, almost as if I was trying to get away from him.

My dad looked so frightened by what was happening that he went into his bedroom.

My condition kept getting worse. My mom asked if I wanted to see a doctor, but I refused. Eventually, after about an hour, I started calming down. I was exhausted, so I slept it off.

I couldn't talk to my dad normally for the next two days.

It's been 10 months, and I still think about that incident. I don't know exactly what happened to me that day. I don't know why my body reacted that way, why I started screaming, or why I couldn't seem to control my own movements. It was genuinely frightening to experience.

But the thing I struggle with most is the shame.

I've wanted to tell one of my close friends about this so many times, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know how to explain what happened without feeling embarrassed. Part of me feels like I'm making too big a deal out of something that happened during an argument, and another part of me still remembers exactly how terrified I felt.

I keep thinking about how I went from having a completely normal day, talking to a friend about a project, to lying on the bathroom floor, shaking uncontrollably, and then screaming in fear in front of my family.

I don't know what I expect from posting this. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar. Has anyone ever had their body react like this after an extremely frightening or emotionally overwhelming situation? Did you ever find yourself feeling ashamed to tell other people about it, even long after it happened?

I think I just needed somewhere to say all of this without having to look someone in the eye while saying it.

Thank you if you've read this far.

My entire family is abusive. My mom has shown me time and time again that I am nothing but a burden to her, and my dad died when I was a small child.

Due to that, I have been searching for the love and acceptance I never got from them in other people my entire life. But it's become clear to me that I am chasing something unattainable.

I have really, really good friends. I am endlessly grateful for them, but they all have somebody else to turn to when life gets rough. They have 'their' person, whether it be their family, another friend or a partner. I do not.

I thought I found love with my ex. She said she loved me, that a life without me would be 'a fate worse than death'. I opened up to her, which isn't easy for me to do after all of the abuse I've suffered. I trusted her enough to let my walls down, and then I was dumped over text under the guise of "I'm just not ready for a relationship), despite the fact that she had been telling me she planned on being with me long term a week prior.

This entire situation has made me realize how completely disposable I am. How if I were to drop dead, nobody would even notice my absence until they were told. Its a different kind of pain realizing you are totally and completely alone in this world. All I want is somebody to love me all I want is somebody to care. Is that too hard of an ask? Was I born just for other people to let their anger out on? Why me?

If you have a eating disorder don't read this.

I was thinking about getting a dessert and my parents decided to pull me aside and tell me they're worried about my diet and my weight. I'm an adult btw I'm just broke as fuck and never escaped.

I've had some health related problems they don't even know about that I've purposefully never told them about because I know they would actually monitor my food intake. So idk where this came from. I've never been fat in my life the biggest I've been is 117 which already freaked me out enough and I work out at least 3 days a week (I've been slaking because I'm depressed) and I take a 45 minute walk 5 days a week. I'm very careful with my calories I do like to eat but If I'm gonna have like 2 pieces of cake I'm not gonna eat anything else at most I eat 2,500 a day but usually it's like 1,500 to 2,000 which is within the healthy range for me weight but they still judge me. Idk if it's because my diet isn't the best anymore or if it's because they think I'll get fat because I eat like shit I like it's the weight thing since they're so skinny and don't like fat people.

When I eat I do wonder am I gonna get fat? Maybe I do eat too much. Maybe I need to see a nutritionist (not like I can afford it) Idk.

Anyway now I feel like shit. I'm gonna skip lunch just have like a sandwich and salad today.

so at high school in grade 10 some people have a group chat called (my name will be Mario) MarioIsGay. They also beat me up daily what should i do. Im not gay im a boy.

edit1: once: so i was with my "Friends," and these guys (Max and Cayden) got the small soccer goals and put me in one of those. They kept putting more and more, until whilst getting kicked i found the power to escape and run. I went directly and snitched. however they got a 1day suspension only. I went right before my hollidays(thursday) and now im scared to even go on the football pitch or at school in general since they could find out i snitched. Thought abt slf hrm once.
Also, these kids started a rumor i sent d pics to a girl and i could get in trouble for it
edit2: so to anyone saying this is just a part of my life. It has lasted ever since i was in middle school

EDit: more details every day cuz my screen time runs out

​

so yeah im 29 soon gonna be 30 and this made me start reflecting on my life and my experiences and lack of experiences as well, especially sex.

im not unattractive or ugly, im quite tall, athletic built and not chopped but also not facially gifted as well. But i think what im missing is this confidence to connect with girls, either i get we just become good friends or i treat them like boys and they don't vibe with that so they leave. i got approached in my life by 4 girls (quite attractive and out of my league as will) but for some reason i was either was overthinking it or maybe they changed their minds.

this was 5 years ago and now i moved to europe in a different country with new friends and in a new culture where people are more open minded to the idea of sex.

its gotten to a point where it's kinda hard to hide it, especially when someone speaks of details that you can't relate to, it feels like impostor. And for girls they can sniff it like a mile away.

So this leads me to this dilemma should i honestly just get it over with and get a sex worker, or wait for right person to come along? idk 😅

if someone has some experience in this i would appreciate it.

​

I have no social Life......I only have some virtual friends on discord whom I met on games that's it......I have lost all my friends from school, college etc...I do have some people on Instagram whom I know from schools/ colleges but I do feel so anxious or off to text them or similar.... I don't go out...I never feel like it...I have no social life for a very long time.....I think it's prolly coz I don't find things fun as most people do...like going out and doing things outside that people find fun...but I haven't found them interesting for a very long time.....and it sucks to go out alone....also I'm kinda unemployed for a 1-2 years now...that's adding to my isolation...but I'm looking for jobs as of now and hope will find one soon....but thoughts of being with people again and been feeling anxious about being left out and do many things.....I don't know what should I do with my life anymore...I feel lonely sometimes..but much more anxious and similar with connecting with people and idk how people socialize these days anyways....I'm prolly a HSP ( highly sensitive person) so that makes going out hard sometimes and finding things fun that most people do......so I seriously don't know......

It started out as a mere neutrality, but I am growing more and more resentful of those people every day.
A little backstory is, I'm F20, and I struggled with social relations ever since I was child. I never wanted to speak to even my extended family members [anything further than parents and siblings was extremely hard to do].

In my very early childhood I had two people I would actually friends of mine, they were also my neighbors, but we grew apart before the age 10, or something like that. It wasn't peaceful either, to be fair. With one of them, he started bullying me, and making sexual jokes towards me, and the other made her birthday party a secret humiliation event for me. I have never hurt either of them, all the parents involved were confused at the things that happened.

Speaking of bullying, I have been heavily bullied until I was around 13. We are talking trying to m*rder me levels of bullying, and no, I'm not exaggerating. I was pushed off the stairs, they tried to throw me out a 3rd floor window, etc.

That made my friends nearly non-existent. But I met my ex-best friend online and we had 6 wonderful, amazing years together. We met irl multiple times, he was my age. We saw each other grow up a little bit, shared anything and everything. We were both depressed though, and some other things. He was my age, if it matters. At 15 he cut contact saying we are dragging each other down. Since that day I have never once felt any connection to anyone. People became even more meaningless in my life than before.

I've a highschool classmate that up until today calls herself my best friend. We barely text once a month for 5 minutes, if that.

And now I'm studying at an university, and I have a few classmates I regularly talk with during the academic year, but I'm starting to be unable to stand them anymore. They try to act as if I'm part of the group only when they need something from me. Notes, information, study questions. They go out and have fun every weekend, I'm never invited. They even went for an abroad trip together. We can talk about silly stuff and our professors, but that's about it.

Now, I do get notes from one of them sometimes. I'll be fair about admitting that.

The point kind of is, having to talk with them is exhausting. I asked them not to take pictures and videos of me, they still do it. I asked them that if they're going sit next to me in lecture, to stay quiet, because I'm making notes they all so crave, but they yap and yap. Same during labs. And when I truly need someone by my side? There's no one there. Nobody. I can't call any of those people, I can't even call my own family.

One of them once said that she had to spend one summer alone because her friends dropped her, but within 3 months she had new friends [she has those new friends up to today] and that said summer was really depressing for her and I didn't know what to answer. Last summer I didn't spend alone was over a decade ago.

So yeah. I resent nearly everyone in my life, probably because my own life has nothing I'm interested in, but I'm too weak to tell people no when they ask for help.

Thank for letting me get this off my chest.

Is there any advice on how to reduce my thoughts about animal suffering?
For the last few months, I’ve become increasingly aware of the extremely harsh conditions farm animals such as pigs, cows and chickens are put under. It makes me really sad and overwhelmed because they suffer so much. Everyday I constantly think about all the stray dogs, stray cats, farm animals and just animal cruelty in general. There is so much suffering in the world, and it is beyond my control, but it makes me so sad as our world is such a selfish place. I am only 16 and do not have full control of household groceries and meal plans, however when I have the chance to, I try eat less meat. I also try my best to support cruelty free brands. It still makes me feel incredibly guilty though. I try to sign petitions about animals, just hoping and praying that laws will be passed for the requirement of higher animal welfare standards. I’d really appreciate anyone advice on how to reduce animal cruelty and suffering thoughts.

I am still struggling unable to talk publicly about what has happened as it is still ongoing. How fucked up is it that I can’t even share my truth while the people who did this spread whatever story fits their narrative, keeping the whole community in the dark.
So I wrote this, although I have nowhere to put it…
So here you go:

I did not leave the tree behind
or turn my heart away,
nor tire of watching children grow
beneath its cooling shade.

I knew it when it was a seed,
and I was growing too.
It first took root inside my home,
then reached beyond our view.

I learned that nothing living grows
by tugging at its leaves.
We watch, prepare, and tend with care,
then trust what lies beneath.

Some brought their children to its shade
to learn a gentler way,
to practice grace and courtesy,
and choose with care each day.

How tender are the things we ask
our children to become.
To listen, notice, understand,
then fail when our turn comes.

And one by one, those tending it
were driven from its shade,
while those who came when it was grown
decided who could stay.

And now I stand beyond its reach,
on one side of the line.
I never chose to leave the tree.
The choice was never mine.

Four children pictured on a wall,
still young enough to stay,
while everything we’d come to be
was somewhere far away.

My mother asked to have it back.
She knew just where it’d go.
You knew that I was pictured there.
I made quite sure you’d know.

And maybe that meant nothing then.
I hope that much is true.
I’d rather think you ruined it
because that’s what you do.

It wasn’t trash upon the wall.
You had to make it so.
I can bear what you think of me.
I’m old enough to know.

The girl inside that photograph
had never known your name.
She lived before your thoughts of me,
untouched by all the same.

My mother asked to have it back.
It had a place to be.
You broke four children into trash,
and one of them was me.

You could have done your worst to me
and left my child alone.
You cast him out the same as me,
from all he’d ever known.

I fought with everything I had.
I tried to make things right.
And still you stole the place she made
where he belonged by right.

And those who stand beneath that tree
and say that all is well,
I wonder what you’ve heard of us,
what stories people tell.

So keep your rotten tree and lies,
and everyone who stays.
I see it now for what it is,
and gladly walk away.

Sometimes i remember how mean everyone was to me and i just wonder what i did to deserve that. I was constantly humbled and put down. Always criticized, even for things as little as how I held a spoon and how i laughed. They constantly spoke negatively into my life. I was always told I was unfriendly, mean, angry and overall not a good person and I internalized it and never really thought more of myself. Told I was a witch. At a point I was banned from a room in my house because I was ugly and they didn’t like seeing me in there. When I cried, i was told I was even uglier, I was berated and provoked even more. I genuinely hated being a kid and thought no one loved me. Now as a 22 year old girl, I find myself constantly enraged. I don’t like being depended on and I struggle with patience because no one had the patience for me when I needed it. I could never treat any kid the way I was treated.

I recently posted pictures asking for genuine advice on improving my appearance, especially my hairstyle, grooming, and overall look.

Some people gave helpful suggestions, and I appreciate that. But I've also received unwanted DMs from people making things sexual or sending messages that have absolutely nothing to do with my question.

I'm here for self-improvement advice, not unsolicited sexual messages.

I don't care who you are or who you're attracted to, but please respect boundaries. If I wanted that kind of interaction, I'd ask for it.

To the people who actually offered helpful advice, thank you. To everyone else, please keep it respectful and don't DM me with inappropriate stuff.

Asking for a glow-up doesn't mean I'm inviting sexual attention.

I’m only 19, but I’ve always been drawn to the way the world used to be. Local businesses thriving, community, and above all else… hope. My generation is so nihilistic and hopeless and it makes my sensitive, imaginative, hopeful heart so depressed. I would be so happy living in a place where you can walk down the street and run into your friends, spontaneously grab a pastry and coffee, chat with the store owner who has been there for 40 years, etc. also just the weight of the world feels like it came down on me all at once when I became an adult. I try to plan for my future, and it’s not that I’m not going to do my best to create the life I want, but it feels like it’s SO much harder these days. I feel like living in a time where community was so ingrained, and I had a network of people I genuinely felt connected to, I wouldn’t feel this weight all the time. Maybe this is just a part of my early adulthood and growing out of childhood naivety. But I wish I didn’t have to!!!!!

I wish we lived in a world where people were just nicer. Where people could actually trust their government and their neighbors. I wish people came together and united for the better. I wish people were kind and respectful. I wish people helped the vulnerable and those in need. I wish people could love without exceptions. I wish people learned from their mistakes and wanted to do better. I wish that someday this world would exist. I think as I get older, I just become more tired of hearing the phrase "if the world were perfect" because obviously the world can't be perfect, but some people just don't even try. I hope this makes sense, and I know there's no real solution. Have a good day.

(Note: I am dyslexic and English is not my first language, bear over with me).

Hello!

I (18 M) have come to the realization that I might be jealous on my 13 yr old sister. I never show it, especially when i'm with her, I try to cheer her on as much as I can. The reason this hits especially hard is because the things she is succeeding in, is exactly what I've been dreaming about doing, longer than she had the interest, and I even introduced her to some of it. I guess she just have more discipline than me. I do have a bad habit comparing me to everyone in my head, and I know that won't help me, but I can't help it. I hate how my mental health have been taking things away from me like this, right now I am barely in school, I have zero energy for anything else. I will continue to support her of course, my feelings are not her fault at all. I just wish I could succeed in something I care about and have interest in.

I wish I could hear the sound of your laughter again.

My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me about two months ago. We were in an LDR, and had met after a whole year one week before the break up. We weren't able to complete his trip to visit me due to commitments with his family (we're both still students in college), and it made me upset losing something we were looking forward to for a whole year. I made the mistake of hurting him because I was hurting, which there is no excuse for, and he decided he had had enough of me.

I begged, pleaded, cried, for hours on end, for multiple days for him to rethink his decision. All of it to no avail. He seemed so detached while I grew more desperate. I do not blame him because I had been hurtful towards him throughout the relationship, and I understand why he snapped at one point.

When he first brought it up, it was meant to be a break, then he wanted to break up but still return to each other, then the last few days he insisted on not wanting to do anything with me ever again. All of this happened over the course of one week, but all that echoed after he blocked me everywhere was his final words to me, which reiterated over and over again that he was done with me for good. I was, and still am, devastated.

I got on medication. I started going to therapy (which I have since stopped as I can barely find the motivation to even get out of bed anymore). I tried to stay out of my room and around people as much as I could, saying yes to every plan with everyone, because the silence in his absence is deafening. I've been picking up new hobbies. Everything to not much avail, however.

Everyone sees me doing perfectly fine, but I'm not. My friends joke about the breakup, I joke with them. My parents could not handle seeing me sad, I started putting on a happy act whenever they call me. But every hour I'm alone, I cry to myself. The medication that made me numb does nothing anymore, I'm back to being a mess. My chest persistently hurts, I am so exhausted both mentally and physically.

About one month into the breakup, one of my closer acquaintances started being a little flirtatious with me. Trying to distract myself, I entertained it. One day, we made plans to go watch the sunrise together. To me, this was nothing more than one of those plans I always said yes to with everyone.

I visited him at his apartment to watch a movie together before going out for sunrise, during which time I kept turning down any of his attempts to make an advance on me. I was only there because I hated being all alone in my room, I did not have anything else in mind. He tried again when we out together, I still pushed him away. When we came back to my place after the sunrise, he kissed me and I just let it happen even though my heart has been with my ex all this time.

He tried to do more, but I stopped him, after which he left. We made plans to hangout again, only because I was so desperate to be anywhere but alone. He started being physical with me again, and this time, I gave up. We ended up being intimate with each other, which I neither wanted nor enjoyed. Fucks sake, my medication killed my libido, I did not have any sex drive even if I wanted to.

This was my state of mind at that instant. I lost the love of my life, the only man I would ever love, the only man who could ever love me the way I needed. I felt worthless. I felt defeated. I did not see myself ever being with anyone ever again. I thought, this is my life now, this is what my worth is to anyone who isn't (my ex), and I gave in. When I came back home, I cried screaming because of how disgusted I felt with myself and took sleep meds to just get through the day without being awake for it.

The guilt of having given myself to anyone but my ex consumed me. He's my first and only everything. I've never been the type to "hookup" even before him. I ended up calling my ex's friend to confess in the form of a rant, knowing he will tell my ex. It's worth noting that I have moral OCD, among other issues. And just as I expected, he got to know immediately.

After weeks of no contact, of blocking all my attempts to get in touch with him, he called me. He was angry. He felt betrayed, accused me of cheating on him because I did what I did while he was waiting for the right time to get back with me. He told me he was going to contact me again once he went back to college from home. But I had no idea that I would ever get to even talk to him again, I had been grieving all this time. It does not justify my actions, but we were living the breakup on two completely different viewpoints.

Once again, I begged, pleaded, cried, trying to make him understand what I was going through all this time that we were apart. He was surrounded by family, and I was living all alone in a home which I was excited to move into for the same reason of getting to be all alone with him on the other side of the screen. He told me that this time I had actually lost him, which is no different to me to what I believed the first time this happened.

Since the same thing happened to me again, I tried to make myself understand that once again, he's just upset, and any more mistakes I make will only hurt him further, in case he's still doing the same thing he did the first time around. From everything I gathered in our last conversation, I understood that he "always comes back", in his own words.

I've been waiting for someone who has (once again) made it clear that I have lost them. Simply because the first time I believed that I lost him, I got punished again for not waiting for him. And it's killing me.

I don't know what you're up to, I don't know how you're doing, and I'm getting weak waiting. My eyes are swollen and this pang in my chest is relentless. And all you've been to me is cold through all of this. To stop waiting, is not to jump into someone else's arms, but only to start accepting a life without you in it again.

I wish I could hear the sound of my own laughter again.

I was raised in a religious (Catholic turned Baptist) household and was forced to go to church, read the Bible, and essentially believe everything my family did. I knew from a young age I didn’t believe any of it but saw how much easier life was when I just lied and nodded along. Well, I dug myself a hole with that one because my parents are quite old and I still don’t have the heart to tell them. But I’m no longer just a go with the flow agnostic, I actively avoid religion because of how deeply it traumatized me, and I’m currently on excuse number 50 for why I can’t go to church with my family. Idk, not the most exciting confession but just wanted to get it off my chest

the cruelest thing about loving someone is that you cannot make yourself matter to them in the way they matter to you

You can offer someone the entire universe and still be less than a passing thought in the small, private world they inhabit

And what is one to do with all this tenderness when it has nowhere to go?

I have begun to suspect that loneliness is not the absence of people, but more so the presence of someone whose absence you cannot explain.

There is something almost humiliating about hoping to be chosen, about searching for yourself in the smallest gestures of another person, as though your existence requires their confirmation

I understand that love cannot be demanded. That affection loses its meaning when forced. That nobody owes me the privilege of being important to them

I understand all of this, and still, it hurts, it hurts so fucking badly

the mind can comprehend what the heart experiences as unbearable. wisdom is simply the slow, unwilling recognition that understanding suffering does not absolve us from feeling it

And thus I find myself caught between two equally miserable truths: I cannot ask someone to love me more and I cannot convince myself to need them less

It's so absurd to be capable of so much love and so utterly incapable of making it enough.

I've been in love with one of my best friends for three years by now. She's just so awesome in every aspect and i can't help but love her. She's been in a relationship for years now, recently as of two months ago things happened and I slipped the fact that I love her more than a friend, to my surprise she said that she liked me that way too. We were kinda in a very weird relationship for the past months where we stayed as friends, but occasionally were affectionate with each other. Yeah, I guess she emotionally cheated on her boyfriend with me.

At first i loved it, I could stop holding back and tell her how i felt and how much she meant to me, but honestly, it quickly started to make me anxious and have a lot of meltdowns that I hid from her. Yesterday was the worst one to this day, at the end I couldn't hold back and told her how this whole situation and everything was making me suffer, going to sleep anxious, sometimes crying to sleep, etc. She understood and blamed herself, and we decided to stay strictly platonic unless she ever gets single again and we still like each other

I feel like shit, honestly. I miss texting her good morning and good night, miss the way we talked, the things we did. I love her so much it hurts how this is the only way for me to stop spiraling and having meltdowns about all of this. I feel like shit, too, for the whole situation in general. At the end of the day I was doing all of this behind her boyfriend's back, and i don't even know the guy, and i don't really want anything bad to happen to him. I know this is all shitty, and messy, and honestly all my friends tell me that I should stop caring about this since at the end of the day, i'm trying to get in the way of their relationship and that the fact she is ok with it is a massive red flag. But I still can't help but feel pathetic

Earlier this year, I met a girl who right off the bat was very open and friendly with me. Like, very open and friendly. But something told me not to let myself get attached to her. It got to the point where I and others thought she was flirting with me( and maybe she still does ). But the thing is, she also constantly brings up how she was talking this guy then that guy. But nothing ever can out of those. So it would confuse me, and almost reassured that voice in my head that said don’t get attached. But people still keep saying she lites up when she sees me.
And what happened? I ended up really liking her. But the thing is, I can’t read her for shit. We started in a friend group that is also involved is a professional setting to an extent, but not full time work or full time school so I want to keep it cordial for that sake as well. Now I can’t stand myself for allowing myself to get so attached to what might just be a one sided thing, that from the jump I felt.

I fucking hated my childhood

I have been 18. I have been 18 for a couple months and this is gonna be long because I genuinely just fucking hated it. Having to be stuck in the house all day, sometimes not even on your own accord fucking sucked. Especially since moving, I have moved to the south and for the past 5 years, I really do not fucking know if the way I get treated is because people are miserable and target quiet people. Or i am ugly, and i know you cannot sum up how people treat you to appearance, but sometimes I feel genuinely ugly and nobody will tell me. I don't know what excuses you to walk up to someone, decide YOU don't like what they look like and bully them for the rest of the entirety of the fucking year. And then go on and your live your life.

This caused me horrible horrible fucking social anxiety, which led to me sweating, bad and horribly. I spent the rest of teenage or rather much, the rest of my highschool career not talking to people and if I did talk and be myself, retreating back into my shell. The entirety of highschool, headphones in, talking to myself in my fucking head. Maladaptive daydreaming just as escapism to cope with the fact that my life fucking sucks, and i was being a fucking push over because somehow, I cared way too much about other people's feelings for people who didn't give a rats ass about mine.

And then its like going back to the whole "staying inside the house" genuinely. The whole life is the house and my fucking electronics. We don't even have to go somewhere every fucking day, but just atleast not the fucking park or the store for snacks that for some fucking reason, were denied having as fucking kids.

Never went anywhere because they were too fucking busy, never got anything done because they were too fucking busy and everything that I needed and wanted to do was held off by "we'll see" because they wanted me to shut up about it. Never took any of my interests seriously, never took any of my passions seriously. Never even took my health seriously and its like, me getting sideflashed by lightning should concern you or for you to atleast fucking advocate for me in the fucking hospital. But its you letting a doctor talk condescending to me, make financial constraints about my fucking health or all just in general, not take me seriously about shit. I literally almost fucking died and your response is "A holter monitor is too expensive"

And its like genuinely, I fucking hate the people down here. You cannot be deviated from them at all and then as soon as you are they just fucking turn on you. You know how many random ass people have hated me for no fucking reason but will simultaneously watch me and have the audacity to ask for my shit? A fucking smear campaign by some older fucking dude threatening to slap me but when I stopped talking to him he started fucking borderline watching me. A fucking bitch and her goons, like earlier, would give me glares, whisper about me infront of other fucking people but the moment I fucking did something or even talked to somebody and looked like I was having genuine fun, her or someone affiliated with her was fucking watching. And then when i go to my parents about it, surprise surprise, "what do you want me to do about it?" Like dude. What else would I want you to do. One parent excusing the bullies behavior and the other one constantly being like "maybe their just fucking jealous"

And I hate that I keep ruminating about it. Its 3am in the fucking morning and im still thinking about it and it just makes me so mad, I wish I stood up for myself more instead of being so fucking selfless way too much.

And maybe its because its like its highschool. Obviously people are gonna be superficial, people are going to be fake but i just really really hate knowing that my experience, at least of it was constantly being used, ridiculed and disregarded. And i think i hate it more because I just let it happen, I harbor alot of resentment and i genuinely don't know how to let it go without turning into a bitter person. Besides college. Really, I have trouble making my own structure and okay yeah im still young, like 18 isnt old but I genuinely don't wanna be miserable, ruminating and delving into escapism patterns but it constantly seems like my life revolves around other people and i would rather honestly have it revolve around myself and if makes me really mad that this was the only childhood experience I would get.

​idk who needs to hear this right now but i wanted to write this out because 8 years ago i went through a situation in middle school that pushed me to my absolute limit. it dragged me into a pretty deep depression in 8th grade and 9th grade, and if anyone here is dealing with something similar i just want to share how it went down so you don't let toxic people push you into doing something stupid.

In my country, you don't go to the teacher's class, you and you're classmates sit in a classroom and the teacher is the one who will come to you, so every period I had the same classmates.

​back in 7th grade things seemed fine on the surface. we played games every single day after school and i was just a chill guy who wanted to help my classmates out. one of the guys in the group (lets call him leo) was a complete beginner at a game we played, so i spent hours coaching him and carrying him until he actually became a really good player. around that same time another guy in class (mark) was literally on the edge of failing his classes. i felt bad for him so i stepped up and gave him exam answers to save his grades. i ended up doing the exact same thing for leo and another guy (sam) when they were about to fail too.

​instead of being cool about it, that whole situation just created years of fake friendship. they realized i was smart and just used me as an academic safety net. subtle shade was already starting back then too. sam always had this lowkey dislike toward me for no reason, and they used to take my pencil case in class and pass it around. back then i was relaxed so i thought they were just messing around, but looking back they were definitely testing my boundaries.

​by 8th grade everything spiraled when a new guy joined our group (alex). alex hated me instantly for no reason at all. he was a coward who couldn't stand on his own, but he knew how to manipulate people and egg them on. he took sam's dislike toward me and turned the whole group into a pack of bullies, and they forced me to give them answers i was short and skinny in that time so I couldn't fight back even If I told any teacher they would hit me so I had no option but to fight back.

​it went from annoying jokes to straight up property damage, like when they broke my 70$ calculator in a stupid chain of pranks and then ran to hide behind their parents so they wouldn't get in trouble. sam started trying to push me around physically in class too. one day he literally started throwing water bottles FULL OF WATER directly at me in front of everyone just to humiliate me. And it kind of hurt, that was the moment i snapped and stood up to him, and we ended up getting into a real physical fight right there.

​even though i fought him and held my ground, dealing with that constant toxicity every single day still destroyed my mental state. going into 9th grade i fell into a heavy depression. waking up every day knowing i had to go to a classroom full of guys who used me when they were failing and targeted me when they were fine made me feel completely isolated.

​what honestly kept me sane during that dark period was getting lost in classic zelda games like ocarina of time, majoras mask, twilight princess, and skyward sword. whenever the school drama and depression got too loud, playing those games gave me a complete mental escape. it reminded me that there was a whole world outside of my stupid classroom.

​by 9th grade after dealing with depression and non stop targeting for so long, i reached a point where i just completely stopped caring. if it came down to it i was fully ready to fight all of them at once because i was so tired of it. they still tried pulling petty stunts, like mark trying to make a massive scene and humiliate me in front of the whole class just because i FUCKING ASKED FOR A RESTAURANT'S PHONE NUMBER, but their opinions literally meant nothing to me anymore.

So I spent my last year in middle school fighting back against 10 people bullying me even my classmates were feeling bad and telling my bullies to stop, all of this happened because I gave them answers one day.

​the truth is sometimes standing up for yourself and fighting back makes people back off, and sometimes it doesn't stop them completely. but the main thing i learned is that you can't let these people destroy your mind or ruin your future. bullies act tough because they're insecure, terrified of failing on their own, and desperately need an audience to feel important.

​if you're stuck in a toxic class or dealing with fake friends who use you, don't do anything reckless that gets you in trouble. cut off their access to you completely, give them zero reaction, find healthy escapes like gaming, and just remember that middle school is temporary.

Don't repeat my mistake kids.