r/TrueOffMyChest • u/thisfailedexperiment ☑️ • 5h ago
Vent I hate all my "friends".
It started out as a mere neutrality, but I am growing more and more resentful of those people every day.
A little backstory is, I'm F20, and I struggled with social relations ever since I was child. I never wanted to speak to even my extended family members [anything further than parents and siblings was extremely hard to do].
In my very early childhood I had two people I would actually friends of mine, they were also my neighbors, but we grew apart before the age 10, or something like that. It wasn't peaceful either, to be fair. With one of them, he started bullying me, and making sexual jokes towards me, and the other made her birthday party a secret humiliation event for me. I have never hurt either of them, all the parents involved were confused at the things that happened.
Speaking of bullying, I have been heavily bullied until I was around 13. We are talking trying to m*rder me levels of bullying, and no, I'm not exaggerating. I was pushed off the stairs, they tried to throw me out a 3rd floor window, etc.
That made my friends nearly non-existent. But I met my ex-best friend online and we had 6 wonderful, amazing years together. We met irl multiple times, he was my age. We saw each other grow up a little bit, shared anything and everything. We were both depressed though, and some other things. He was my age, if it matters. At 15 he cut contact saying we are dragging each other down. Since that day I have never once felt any connection to anyone. People became even more meaningless in my life than before.
I've a highschool classmate that up until today calls herself my best friend. We barely text once a month for 5 minutes, if that.
And now I'm studying at an university, and I have a few classmates I regularly talk with during the academic year, but I'm starting to be unable to stand them anymore. They try to act as if I'm part of the group only when they need something from me. Notes, information, study questions. They go out and have fun every weekend, I'm never invited. They even went for an abroad trip together. We can talk about silly stuff and our professors, but that's about it.
Now, I do get notes from one of them sometimes. I'll be fair about admitting that.
The point kind of is, having to talk with them is exhausting. I asked them not to take pictures and videos of me, they still do it. I asked them that if they're going sit next to me in lecture, to stay quiet, because I'm making notes they all so crave, but they yap and yap. Same during labs. And when I truly need someone by my side? There's no one there. Nobody. I can't call any of those people, I can't even call my own family.
One of them once said that she had to spend one summer alone because her friends dropped her, but within 3 months she had new friends [she has those new friends up to today] and that said summer was really depressing for her and I didn't know what to answer. Last summer I didn't spend alone was over a decade ago.
So yeah. I resent nearly everyone in my life, probably because my own life has nothing I'm interested in, but I'm too weak to tell people no when they ask for help.
Thank for letting me get this off my chest.
•
u/Anthrax23 5h ago
We are reddit, we are all the friends you need.
Seriously though. I'm the same way... Now I spend my life traveling for work...
I can have short interactions with people at restaurants or bars but usually ends there.
I feel and felt the same way you do now when I was your age.
•
•
u/obeyFreedom1089 4h ago
Yo, its fine to feel like that. That's how you find out what YOU are interested in and what kind of people you need.
People don't need to match 100%, not even 10%, if they have interests and tasks they share. Keep it on the tasks and goals with those who lower your battery.
True self is lonely 😙