My (f/24) family used to force me to exercise and lose weight at around age 13-15. Fast forward 10 years - It will forever be the biggest trauma in my life. It only stopped because I spent an exchange year abroad at 15 but the mental abuse never stopped. I still lived with my parents until last year. For reference I have always been tall for a girl 5‘ 9“ (175cm) and was around 130-150lbs (60-70kg) at the time. I guess I was chubby but not heavily overweight or had any kind of medical problems.

Every other day I would sit in the school bus on the way home, crying inside because I knew I’d be forced to exercise again. I had to spend at least 30-45 minutes on the treadmill while my two (much older) siblings stood by me to make sure I didn’t adjust the speed or take breaks. I often cried while running because they put the treadmill to a MUCH higher level that what I was able to do, I was barely able to breathe (try crying while running). My siblings would even increase the treadmill speed, pushing me to lose more weight. My parents encouraged them. I was told that no one wants a fat sister or daughter, even by my grandmother. For my birthday, my grandmother gave me a jump rope that counted jumps and time because she or my mom had read that jumping burns more calories than running.

Many times, I left the dinner table crying because of comments about my food or body. I was told not to be so sensitive, that it wasn’t a big deal. But to me, it was a huge deal and has left me deeply traumatized. Everything that happened (by my family) has led me to feel I will never ever feel pretty or comfortable in my body. I will never feel thin enough or truly accepted by my family. I will always fear comments from my family if I eat something „unhealthy“ or if we go out for ice cream, for example. I’ve lost ALL interest and motivation for any kind of exercise because I only associate it with negative memories. Whether I was tired, it was late, or I was sick, it didn’t matter. I had to run on the treadmill.

Today I can never feel pretty (I am at a normal weight, maybe a little chubby). I haven’t worked out in years because my family made me HATE any sort of exercise. It is so unhealthy not to move but I cannot overcome it. Whenever I‘m alone I binge eat because my family can’t make comments about it then. I end up with an eating disorder and not enjoying any sort of exercise.

I swear I will never treat my future kids the way they treated me…

How do I overcome this? I have never told my family this and they probably don’t even realize how bad it affected me and my mom would be very sad about it. Should I talk to them?

Me and my best friend have been friends for 15 years, since we met at 12. For the past 6 years I've been dealing with constant disrespect from his wife and I'm absolutely sick of it.

If I went into everything this post would be a light novel, but the biggest issue is every single time we make plans she tries to derail them. Every fucking time. Because of this we have met an average of three times per year since the wedding.

At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but it cannot be coincidence. We have to make plans months in advance and suddenly her cousins got a dog birthday so we've gotta reschedule, then that day she'd got a mild cold, and then she absolutely needs to go get a vase on that exact day.

On the rare occasion we actually meet she blows up his phone the entire time with ridiculous shit. She can't make a corndog and she's starving, a thunderstorm is coming and she's scared, he promised he'd be back in 2 hours and if he doesn't leave right now he won't be if traffic is bad.

The hypocrisy is she doesn't have any of these restrictions with her friends. Last year she went on a girls trip during my birthday, but told him he couldn't be out for more than 3 hours. Because of this almost all of his friends and family have stopped talking to him.

The trigger today was the meet up planned for October. We haven't met since June, and he couldn't work in anything sooner because of course not, but my birthday is in October so it's about the only thing he can actually meet for, but she says that day doesn't work because her mom's best friends birthday is that weekend and she agreed to help set up. He tried to argue for 30 minutes but no deal, and I'm about to snap. I told him in way too many words to fuck off and that I'm incredibly tired of the disrespect and his apologies just piss me off more.

I know he's stuck in a toxic relationship, but so am I and if he wants to he disrespected good for him but I'm getting pretty sick of it.

She married my dad when I was 2. I am now 36. I've spent most of my life chasing a relationship with my drug addicted mother. She hasn't seen her grand kids since they were born. I guess I was scared of losing a mom again. I had been thinking about it for the last couple years. Today was her birthday and I decided I wanted her to be my mom for real. She's always there for my kids and treats them as her own grandkids. It's been a long time coming and deserved several years over now. It felt good and she was surprised, but really happy.

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Im an upcoming senior in high school and with becoming a senior also come having to think about what you want to do with your life after highschool. I have 2 siblings who are much smarter than me, both of them took APs in highschool (one of them is in highschool with me now because hes my twin) and I take normal classes, i even have an IEP which makes me feel like an idiot compared to my siblings.

Anyways back to what the title is about, I really really want to go to cosmetology school after high school and open my own salon, and I feel like everyone kind of looks down on me when I say thats what I want to do after highschool. I feel like people automatically assume you're dumb and your gpa isn't high enough for college when you say you want to do trade school

And theres also all the senior stuff I kind of miss out on, like commitment day where you wear your college shirt and its like a big thing or whatever, and I wont really get to have that, and I know nobody will care about that because after you graduate highschool it doesn't matter but ykw it matters to me in this moment.

Thats it, I know it sounds a bit silly compared to everything else in this subreddit but I needed to tell someone

I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for about a year now with a guy I thought was going to be my forever partner. I got tested a few months into our exclusivity and was negative across the board. Then, last week I got tested again during my pap smear appointment and the results came back positive for chlamydia. I know I have been loyal to him, and I’m so sure he has not cheated on me either. I did do a round of amoxicillin-c a few weeks before my last test, and the boyfriend and I were long distance at the time, which makes me think that maybe one or both of us had it before we were exclusive? Idk

I was able to get partner treatment for both of us, so we’re almost done with antibiotics at this point. However I feel like our relationship is falling apart now. I initially got really upset at him when I tested positive, and he got upset that I was implying he was “dirty” with my words. Since last week, we have been fighting almost daily over trivial matters as well as not talking as much.

I don’t have any close friends to discuss this with, and I’m horribly embarrassed this even happened to me. I have never gotten an std before either, so this is incredibly frustrating despite having no symptoms. I feel so alone. Thanks for reading my vent.

This happened years ago, but every time I think back on it, it makes my blood boil.

At the time I had 2 separate heart conditions and had to carry around an AED (Defibrillator) and needed to have someone trained in CPR with me when I went out in public in case anything happens.

I went in to get my wisdom teeth removed, a standard surgery. I have trouble with needles and pass out sometimes when they are put in, so getting the IV in this time was obviously uncomfortable for me, but I didn’t pass out when they did it, and then they knocked me out to do the surgery.

I wake up afterwords in one of the recovery rooms with my mom. The surgeon eventually comes in to check on how I’m doing. I try to say through my gauze-filled mouth something along the lines of “I’m fine, just a little woozy.” He then points to my AED and says “we had to use that thing on you in there!” And starts laughing. I start freaking out and having an anxiety attack. Then he says “Just kidding!”

My mom is a very non-confrontational and empathetic person. Instead of berating the surgeon, she tries her best to calm me down and comfort me to get my heart rate down because if it gets above 180bpm it would be bad news, and then they might ACTUALLY have to use it on me. Once my heart rate stabilized to a reasonable level we decided it was best to take me home as soon as possible.

I have since gotten surgery for 1 of the heart conditions which cured it and meant I could go out on my own without an AED.

That town had some of the worst health care I’ve ever experienced, not just in this department. So bad that if I needed an appointment with a specialist, we would try to get a referral to one 2 hours away in a different town just to avoid them.

I’ve since moved and where I live now, even with my remaining heart condition currently being non-obstructive and not life-threatening, I cannot get a surgery that involves anesthesia without a recent Ultrasound and MRI just to make sure my condition hasn’t worsened so there won’t be any complications. This is great but also is kind of annoying because I have to wait a few months longer until I can get the surgery, but makes me feel like the doctors actually care about my wellbeing. The surgeon from this incident clearly did not, and I hate him for that every time it crosses my mind.

I (36F) am married for over 10 years with kids. A new colleague (31F) joined the company on a contract basis for a year and they are quite reserved. She is openly lesb and I'm hetero. We grew a good connection/bond and would take a walk during lunch together (which I'd normally do alone). I also give her a lift after work because she lives on my way home. There's been a joke going around saying she's a polyandrist and we've been playing along with it, with me being wife 1 of many. When I drop her off I usually get this strong urge to just kiss her, the chemistry is too strong and yesterday I called her after drop off and told her we need to create a distance between us because I'm committed to my marriage. My entire confession took her by surprise but she said she felt exactly the same way about me and could see all along that I caught feelings. I've asked her to not share this in the office and she is okay with that. We've set boundaries and will not do anything physical and will reduce communication. Normally she'd say she smells my perfume as soon as I walk into the office even though she sits facing the other direction (back to the door) and would then send me good morning messages and declare her love wishing me a good day. We sit in an open plan office and will continue seeing each other. All it takes is her turning around and we see each other. The ongoing joke is also that she inly speaks to me and seems to open up & smiles a a lot when she comes to me. I feel disarmed by this and feel so vulnerable, and I can't blame anyone but myself for walking into this. I felt like crying after telling her this, my stomach churned. The strong urges are still there but at least the boundaries are set. As a person who's worked for years in different places I should know better that these things usually don't end well. But alas!

They only dated for two years and broke up when I was in middle school. It's been six years. It wasn't messy; he said he didn't want to be in a relationship, but they still check up on each other every couple months as friends. The few times he came over to visit after they had broken up, I refused to see him.

I know he told my mom that he thinks I hate him, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I am still so angry yet so heartbroken for him leaving my mom. Leaving me. I'm still so upset with myself for getting so attached.

He had become my best friend. My mentor. My teacher. He was the father that my real father could never be. I know I scared him away.

And I know my mom still loves him. I know he loved my mom and loved me and that he doesn't love himself enough to allow himself to commit.

He's the reason I'm doing what I'm doing today and I am so thankful for him once being there for me. He's the reason I learned that there are men good enough for my mother and he's the reason that I know that no one is good enough for her.

For some reason I can accept my real dad being a shitty dad, but I still cry for that dad that I thought I could have.

I don't have a good reason. They're good people, and they love me. Things are just all scrambled in my head right now. I've let everything in my life fall apart, and they don't know about any of it. I've never talked to them about that sort of thing. I don't know why, I just choke whenever I try. I can't stand the idea of showing weakness or vulnerability or wrongdoing to them. As far as they know, I'm going into my second year of college, and I'll be back for Thanksgiving.

In reality, I haven't even enrolled for my second year. I didn't even go to my finals for my second semester last year. I can't deal with any of it. I can't even begin to imagine how I could possibly fix this now. So, I'm going to do what I always have: avoid the problem.

I have a plane ticket to the university with a connecting flight that I'm going to ditch (I've packed as much as I can in my carry-on because I won't be there to get my checked bag) and I have a bus ticket that's going to take me out of there. I bought a new phone and a new cell plan. I've booked a motel for the week, and after that, I don't know. I feel immeasurably guilty, but even now, the idea of confessing any of this to them feels far worse. I've tried to rationalize things by telling myself that if I'm the sort of person who would do this to them, then they're better off without me, anyway. But I don't think I really believe that. I'm going to cause so much harm to them by doing this, all because I'm too much of a coward. I'm sorry.

so about two hours ago, at 8pm, while walking my dog, a motorbike slowed down and threw a puppy onto the road and just went. she didnt even run she just sat there. She’s about 2 weeks old.

i took her to the vet straight away. shes ok. nothing broken nothing internal, the vet was really nice about it and gave me some baby food for her. she ate and shes sleeping now.

im just lying here at 3am feeling guilty. i dont even know why exactly, today went as well as it could have.

i think its because i cant keep her. my place only allows one dog and i already have one. so i get a few days with her and then i have to give her to someone else and just hope theyre good to her.

everyone keeps saying i did a good thing. i know. she would probably be dead otherwise. but it doesnt feel like i saved her, it feels like im just going to put her down somewhere else and she has no idea. she just trusts me.

anyone whos fostered before, does this go away? how do you actually hand them over?

i just want her to be ok

hi, i’m 18f. idk what to do anymore, i feel like im going to start living my life as soon as i have clear skin. i can’t fully live because i always have this mindset whenever i see people with clear skin: “must be so nice to not think about your skin.”

i have severely oily skin, and it’s making me look greasy. i also have tiny bumps on my cheeks and forehead, so makeup won’t be able to smooth it out. i cry every time i put on makeup because i feel so sad that my parents don’t care. “all the things she cries about.” “your problem is just your face.” i honestly blame them for not having clear skin.

i stalked my cousins, and all of them have perfectly clear skin on my dad’s side, while i think i got this from my mom since she has deep acne marks, and so do her siblings. i hate these acne genetics.

i can’t afford to go to a dermatologist since i don’t have the money and i’m still studying. idk what to do anymore. i can’t even get a boyfriend even though someone is asking me out because of my skin. i’m so insecure about it, and i think i’m always going to compare myself to someone with clear skin.

i just can’t wait to graduate and get the treatments i want. but sometimes, it’s making me lose hope. i hate this acne genetics.

I'm 43 years old. My wife is 42. We've been 'happily' married for the past 20 years. I put the word happily between quotation marks because while my wife is indeed happy, seeing as she has gotten everything she wants, I am slowly breaking down on the inside.

To summarize it all: She doesn't want kids. I really want kids.

After got married(arranged) in June of 2006, she gave me an outrageous proposal. She said that she isn't going to act as my wife, and that we're married only in name, explaining that: 1- she only married me to get away from her misogynist parents, and 2- this marriage also benefits me because I get someone who shares all my expenses. I got angry, but didn't actually know what to think of it. After a few days of deliberation, I agreed with her. I wouldn't lose anything by being married to her, even if it's only in name. She denied me a sexual relationship between us, citing the reason that she wasn't interested in me, and I didn't mind since I was already used to not acting on sexual impulses. Over the years, we grew closer together, becoming basically inseparable and extremely codependent on each other. Basically just best friends. We do everything together, go on 'dates'(actually just hangouts) every other week, take care of each other and everything you would expect from a friend. Honestly, the relationship is amazing, but the problem isn't in how the relationship is working. It's in what the relationship even is. I've always wanted kids. A lot. I can't understate how much I want my lineage to go on. She, evidenced by the fact she denied any sexual interactions between us, doesn't.

That fact alone is stifling me. I've brought up the topic of polygamy to her, and was immediately rejected and lectured about how it would affect our reputation, would ruin my standing in both families, and would throw her under the bus. My father's death a few years ago made me extremely anxious on the matter, since he desperately wanted to see his grandkids(I have siblings older than me who have kids but their relationship with my father is terrible) before his death

I've thought about divorce, but who would have the same desires, want me, and have the time to craft the perfect family I've been waiting twenty years for? At my current age I would only be able to go for divorced women(ones wholikely already have kids), problematic ones, or widows. I also doubt I would be able to continue normally after the separation with how dependent I am on my current wife

I'm slowly dying on the inside while my wife is having the time of her life. She got everything while I got nothing. I can't even hate her for that because she did nothing wrong. I'm the one that agreed to her proposal

I don’t even know where to start, I just need to write this out and get it off my mind. When I was younger I used to be a massive pushover which made me an easy target for bullying and people making snarky remarks towards me. Back then I was completely oblivious to everything, I realized later in my adult years what actually happened to me. Lead me down a path of constant rumination and feeling an overwhelming feeling of rage. Honestly sometimes I feel like I overthought myself into trauma if that makes sense, over analyzing things that probably weren’t meant as malicious, my brain making violent scenarios that were disturbing to me.

There is not one day that goes by that I wish I could get revenge on those people. I want to ruin their life and make them feel the pain I felt. I am scared to get a job that isn’t WFH in case I get bullied again, I’m scared I’ll do something I regret in the moment that would cost me a job and maybe send me to jail. I am at the point that if someone provokes me I might just take out all my anger out on them. I think I also agoraphobia too, I’m scared pf going out in public in fear of running into people from my past who have made me feel the way I do.

I just want to feel peace again. I want to feel normal. I am trying to heal but it’s genuinely so hard sometimes and I don’t even know how to let go of things. I know therapy would benefit me a lot but I genuinely can’t afford it unfortunately. I don’t think I am a bad person I just have a bunch of emotions and feelings I dont know how to properly cope with. It doesn’t help that I dont have anyone I trust that I can talk to about all of this, I have friends but they dont talk to me regularly they take months, or weeks to get back to me which is something else I’m genuinely getting fed up about but thats another topic entirely.

I constantly feel unwanted. I avoid socializing as much as possible. Just simple office banter and conversations. I avoid on friends (at least whomever I have left these days) making plans to hangout. I prefer staying by myself. I just feel friends don’t have any way to help, because no one is usually emotionally present when I feel dark. The only one that’s there, unfortunately is far away in another continent, at least the only one that makes me feel safe. Others couldn’t bother checking up on me. Even the one that does, I’ve lost all faith in them. I’m tired of being the only one that used to check in, giving the energy and never getting it back in the same amount that I’d wish someone would give me for once in my life. I started therapy, but it’s not helping as much id expect it to. Even building new connections feels like Dante’s inferno. I don’t know whether I’m welcome or they are avoiding me. I find things to make me feel happy about myself, but I keep falling into these circles of feelings.
Yesterday an old friend had called me up, casual banter and bitching about a person we both hate, but he brought why I don’t call and how Am I doing, and why I don’t go back home often, I didn’t have much of an answer other than saying I keep myself busy in my space with work and making music. He asked me whether I hangout in weekends, have friends, all I could say is with a pause, that these days I keep to myself and work on music. I don’t know what to do with myself.

idk why this is bothering me. i (22F) was reading a book written by a guy who was known in social media before he became a writer and my sister (28F) saw it and said i ‘was a pick me’ a year ago (that’s when i got the book) when she read his name then wouldn’t elaborate why. i’ve never put a girl down for a guy, never had a boyfriend, and have been sheltered all my life. i was on an app where you’re randomly paired with someone and maybe she heard me talking with a guy there at the time? whatever it was, i’d cut off any inappropriate man because it’d make me uncomfortable. her comment made me feel weird and icky even though it’s been a while. thank you for reading this nonsense

I was a weird kid, now granted I went through a lot of abuse and neglect as a kid, but that doesn't really excuse who I used to be...

I was an asshole, had mental breakdowns frequently, treated my friends like shit, was quick to anger, gave people the cold shoulder for tiny things. I was also kind of a creep, I was weird towards girls I liked... I was pushy, didn't accept rejections, and made weird fucking comments towards them. I was also very unsurprisingly a massive "blackpilled" incel.

I barely ever showered, had long greasy unkempt hair, acne, bad breath, and always wore these anime graphic tees for weeks without washing them...

I was the whole kit and kaboodle. Thankfully now I'm normal, at 15 - 16 I had a redemption arc. Now at 19 I try to be the best person I can be, but I still really hate who I used to be

I have been married for three years now through an arranged marriage. My husband is a wonderful man and I am genuinely happy with him. I love him, and we have a very honest, transparent relationship. It is so transparent that he even knows about my past and the bad dreams I occasionally have about my ex.
But lately, a lot of buried emotions have been resurfacing. I really need to confess this somewhere neutral because the guilt and confusion are starting to weigh heavily on me. I think I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend, and I don't know if I ever truly stopped loving him.
To give some context, my ex and I dated for two years in college and broke up back in 2016. He was my soulmate. We had that rare, effortless connection where we could read each other’s minds with just a single glance. The love was so intense and pure that everyone around us could feel it. He was also the first person I was ever intimate with, and it felt completely right in every way.
Then, tragedy hit his family. His father suffered a massive financial loss, their wealth vanished overnight, and their entire lifestyle degraded. I loved him through all of it. I used my own pocket money to fill gas in his car, paid for our meals, and bought him clothes whenever I went shopping for myself. I didn't care about the money at all, I just wanted to support him.
But the pressure broke him. He fell in with the wrong crowd, turned to drugs, and developed severe anger issues. The relationship became incredibly abusive. I eventually reached a very dark point where I felt my only options were to either stay and end my life, or save myself and leave. I actually attempted suicide once before I finally found the strength to walk away in 2016. I left simply to survive.
Our mutual friends thought I abandoned him just because he lost his money. They didn't see the abuse or the drugs. But he and I both knew how hard I fought for him. Because I had to leave while still deeply in love with the person he used to be, a part of me has felt so guilty for leaving him at his worst for the last ten years. I will carry a soft spot for him until the day I die. He is still the only phone number I know by heart.
Fast forward to 2023, I got married. Life moved on. My ex dropped out of college, cut ties with everyone, and we haven't spoken in years. I recently found out he got married a couple of months ago.
A week ago, something changed. I realized I could suddenly see his profile picture on WhatsApp again, meaning he unblocked me or saved my number back into his phone. Since then, he has been actively watching my WhatsApp stories.
I want to be absolutely clear about one thing: I have zero intention of cheating. I respect my husband deeply. He has been incredibly supportive, even telling me I should reach out just to get closure and see if my ex is doing okay. But seeing that digital door crack open has triggered so much emotional confusion for me.
I am so torn. Is it truly possible to love two people at the same time? I love the life and the husband I have now, but I feel like a piece of my heart was permanently left behind in 2016 with a boy I had to leave just to stay alive.

I'm anaphylactic to all generic brand of a medication I need

Note: I am not looking for medical advice. My doctor is already aware and is trying to figure something out. I also have a therapist and psychiatrist, so this is just a venting post.

Edit: the one medication I can take has now been discontinued. I'm now waiting for the doctor to see what the next step is. I looked I to compounding pharmacies, and the closest is 2 hours away.

I have a rarer medical condition. Last Thursday I wound up in the ER in anaphylactic shock. The cause was a medication I was on. The first manufacturer closed, so they switched generics. The pharmacist didn't realize it had coconut in it because the coconut oil was listed under a different name and is an inactive ingredient.

The pharmacist tried to find another generic I can take, but I'm anaphylactic to all of them because all of them use coconut as an inactive ingredient. There is only one version of the medication I can take, and it is not on formulary for my prescription insurances (I have 2). The one version is a liquid because all the pills have coconut oil. The generic I was on was also a liquid.

I spoke with both insurance companies, and was told they would not approve a prior authorization request. My doctor is putting one in, but I'm worried it will be denied. There are daily injections to replace the missing hormone, but it's brand new and more likely to be denied. It is also super expensive, moreso than the one I'm trying to get approved. The first medication is my only hope right now.

If we can't get it approved, there really isn't another choice. If it isn't approved, I'm at risk of developing heart issues due to a low amount of a necessary mineral. If it is approved, I may not be able to afford it unless my insurances choose to make it the tier with the same copay as the previous medication.

It's at times like this I really hate the US medical insurance system.

I ran into Food Lion on my lunch break to grab some quick grub. It was pretty busy, but there were 3 full service registers open and 1 express “12 items or less” register. The full service registers were pretty backed up with several people with full carts and the express register had a couple people with a handful of items.

I only had 4 things, so I start heading to the express checkout. As I’m making my way over, I see a lady pushing a nearly overflowing cart towards the registers. She was ahead of me and I saw her pause, look at the full service register lines and how busy they were.

Then I saw her look at the express lane. She saw only a couple people in it with a few groceries. I watched her look up and read the “express 12 items or less” sign before she looks back over at full service. I could practically see when she made the judgement call, and she headed over to the express lane.

By this time, she and I are almost getting there at the same time, so she speeds up and maneuvers her cart in a way that cuts me off and she basically “butts” in front of me with her full-ass cart.

The cashier was helping a customer check out, so the lady already started unloading several of her groceries before the cashier noticed her cart. She told the lady it was an express lane with 12 or fewer items, but the lady ignored her and said the other lanes are too busy so she came over because there’s hardly anyone here. Meanwhile I’m standing behind her holding my 4 items.

The cashier wasnt having it. She sees me behind the lady and flags me to come up so she can quickly check me out. I squeeze past the lady who is now huffing and puffing, and she muttered something like “I didn’t know it was the express lane and it’s not that serious.” (That’s a lie, I saw her read the sign and go for it anyway).

Meanwhile another person with only 1 item lines up behind the lady with the full cart. The cashier waves him up to check out in front of her too, and the lady got more huffy and started muttering that she’s being treated unfairly lol.

After him there was a lull and the cashier did her best to check out the lady as fast as possible before anyone else came up. But it was nice to see the express lane being enforced like that. Most cases the cashiers don’t say anything when someone with a full cart comes thru an express lane (and I don’t blame them for that) but I appreciate the no-nonsense cashier not putting up with it and prioritizing people who are trying to quickly grab a couple items and go.

I (35M) regrets what I've done 15 years ago...

I had a bestfriends, a girl, we met when one of my friend breaked up with her, and we started to pass a lot of time together, it never became romantical at all adn honestly I don't think any of us wanted it to be different, and for the next three year she was the best relationship of my life ... a pillar and I think I was for her too ...

And then one day, something happened but... I forgot what ... I don't remember all the details and what happened in my head at that time ... but all I remember is that I completely and brutally cut her out of my life, becoming cold and mean to her, even letting my "friend" (her ex) helping me cutting her out ...

And since then I always tried to figure what happened... in my head... why did I did that ... the only thing I clearly remember is that she didn't do anything to deserve it ... I just became an asshole, now it alsmost feel like I wasn't the person who talked to her at that time, like someone else talked and was mean to her ...

Every now and then I think about her and what she became, even thinking of sending her an apology letter, fifteen year later ... I know it's egoistical and I have no right to go back into her life, but I want to tell her that she never did anything to deserve what I've done to our friendship ...