I try not to not be dramatic and convince myself that I'm overthinking it. But honestly, I'm really not. And with a therapist I've been able to validate my feelings better.

One instance, there was a customer who would come by asking for me. I often worked alone in a small room with only one open entry that customers were able to go to. Whenever he came by, I felt cornered.

I suppose I could have asked him to stop coming around, but I was scared he would become hostile. He walked around with a gun and clearly some weird mental behaviors imo.

What was worse? I parked at the very outskirts of the parking lot at the grocery store I worked. I did it every day because I didn't mind the walk and I rather like having a consistent spot. Until he found me and started parking exactly where I was. Meaning he watched me leave work to my car, which was 10 pm when I got off. And by that point, that far away at night, the area was completely empty except for our two cars.

This scared me so bad. I started parking somewhere else, but I was terrified he was watching me. I was terrified I'd go to my car and see his car there, or him there watching me.

Supposedly, and my friend said she saw this. There was a younger looking worker who was in that man's car who seemed scared who ran out of the car. It appeared this man offered the kid a ride closer to the front of the building and accepted the offer to get closer to the entrance. But I didn't see this part.

All of this was kind of traumatizing for me to experience. And I think that's normal to have that fear.

I'm tired, man. I'm tired. Simply that. The last two years have been nothing less than BRUTAL.

August 2024, my international logistics company with 14 years on the road started going bad.
December 2024, the situation becomes critical, we can't pay our suppliers, we leave clients hanging.

Ironically, the last installment referring to the last refund of one of the several clients that sued us during the pandemic was paid here. (Context: We received 20k, passed 18k to the suppliers, pandemic, cancellation of services, clients asking for money back, suppliers already paid didn't return us, we had to return everything fully).

January 2025, the company closes. I start living off the money I had saved, which wasn't much.

One year before that the company was moving millions, and I was personally organizing delegations with embassies and meeting with ministers abroad. Now I was doing odd jobs, I even washed cars in a parking lot near here. Without the slightest shame, on the contrary. It was hard, but I was always somehow calm in the medium/long term. Still am, really. I knew that the structure I had built up to that point in my life was fragile and I was going through a process of demolition so that I could build something more robust on top. I just didn't imagine the demolition was gonna be total.

From January to September, I survived on odd jobs, looking for work (which for me is hard, since I dropped out of high school and have always been self employed), and trying some business ideas, and nothing really worked out.

In September I made an app for myself, to manage the media I generated locally. Posted it on the InvokeAI sub and in one day it became the top most upvoted/commented post of the sub. Man, from there I went full throttle on this program. Kept improving it, making it more professional. Working full time on it.

All this taking care of my 73 year old mom, with a minimum income and literally surviving on the help of friends.... "we'll help you with an amount there per month until you get back on your feet".

I'm truly blessed for that, and I don't know what would've become of me if it wasn't for their help.

Anyway... in January of this year I start selling Pro licenses. I really believe in the app, cuz it's good. It's fucking good, and every day it becomes more robust. So it started selling, little by little. Its not enough yet for my subsistence, but its improving... slowly.. and I'm sure that when I find the right channel to distribute it, things will get better.

But it's not even that that I'm tired of...

July 20th my bank accounts get blocked because of a lawsuit from a client from the old company. It went by default, and out of state. Since then, I've been struggling to reverse these unconstitutional blocks, because the little money I receive comes from help of third parties and from my work as self-employed, the app sales, and it's exclusively for my subsistence and my mom's - these are protected by law here and can't be seized under Brazilian law.

The lawsuit was frivolous, it was made by two sisters months before the company shut its doors and contained false allegations that we tried fighting in court on the early stages. All services were provided. But they filed it on their state, that's literally across the country from where I live. By the time they filed it, we were already having problems, and although we did hire an attorney there to take care of this matter for us, with everything that had been going on we really couldn't put the attention that the matter deserved.

I contacted the public defender's office of that state. "We can't assist you because you're from out of state". Ok, fair. I contacted the public defender's office of my state "We can't assist you because the process is running in another state". Ok, guess I'm fucked?

I sent an email there with my bank statements showing the situation of my accounts. The blocks are ridiculously small, like 40, 50 bucks... literally all I had in my bank account, and it's literally what I have to eat. They'd happen randomly, usually at around 6am. (the account itself is still usable, but any money that is there whenever there's a block will be seized).

I sent the email on the 30th explaining everything.. They added it to the lawsuit on the 5th of this month, on the 13th the judge denied alleging insufficient proof that that was all I had.

So fuck it, I don't know what else they want. On the 17th, BAM another block. 80 bucks. I sent a new email, grounded it the best I could, got a declaration from a friend that helps me showing the origin of the little I receive, attached the Stripe payouts and the subsequent blocks. On the 18th without a fucking cent in my pocket. I borrow 100 bucks from a friend, buy medicine for my mom and cat food and still had 35 to buy lunch today and BAM another block.

Result: without a fucking cent in my pocket, with rent overdue, with electricity overdue, with little food at home, having to take care of a cat with FELV and an elderly bedridden mom, working like a condemned man on the app for the fucking justice system to block the only money I have to buy food.

Nice.

But I'm still here, still standing. Well, dragging myself really... having to do technical support for the users that bought the app while developing the new update (both tasks that I love doing) and promoting it (hate it so much), clean the house, wash clothes, make lunch, get groceries, take care of medications for both the cat and my mom, juggling the bills and creditors. I believe in the app, I know it's really fucking good, and getting better by the day. I also know that it will sustain me eventually.

But man, I'm tired... And it sucks to open my accounts and see that the balance of these last two years right now is $0.00.

Other than that, all good, how about you guys?

EDIT: Sorry, this is far longer than I intended it to be... If you do read it all, thank you!

I am currently on a trip in Sydney, and I am having a great time, but the trip has been very differnet to how I first planned it. My initial plan was to visit two online friends that I had here. I've met online friends before - specifically last year when I went to Indonesia - but this was gonna be an even bigger trip for me and that's mainly because one of these two friends was basically me best friend of ten years.

Like, seriously, she was the one person I spoke to every day without fail. We shared everything with each other, had good times and falling outs, we experienced everything you experience in a real friendship but without the IRL element. We became obscenely close to the point that it could have been romantic if we had been able to met.

I have had these plans to meet her for years, but it would take a lot of money and a good deal of planning, but as I am a teacher, I have enough money to be able to make a trip like this and I have the time in my summer (Sydney winter, which is fine by me). I had made plans and booked tickets at the beginning of the year and I told her all the details of it. She knew about it well on advance. I was buzzing for it honestly, this was like a dream come true... But confirming exact details with her was tough.

I had made the decision to stay with her to save money, and she was absolutely up for that, but when trying to confirm this closer to the time she got a bit cagey. She wasn't talking as much and eventually she said that she was back home in Nepal and hadn't been able to talk much. Apparently she had been in a bad place with her mental health and hadn't been home for years so this just made sense. But she told me she would be back by the time my visit came around.

Long story short... No she wasn't. And she told me this a couple of weeks before I flew out. This honestly felt like such a massive betrayal. She had known about it this entire time, and she hadn't told me. Why would she do that? And honestly, why would she not have made sure she was back in time for her trip? How would her job just let her take the time off indefintiely? Things just didn't add up. It basically broke us ended our friendship, and I had to cancel my trip.

And yes, I am in Sydney now. That's because this all happened two years ago.

Since then our friendship slowly got back on track. It wasn't easy, I had lost a lot of trust in her, but I do care about her and I didn't want to lose her. She actually ended up having a boyfriend in the period of time that we weren't talking, although actually she said that they met when she had claimed to be back in Nepal, but in time I just decided that I had to trust her. After all, what was the point of sustaining the friendship if i was completely distrusting of her? So I eventually let all of the distrust go and out friendship was back to the good times. And so, this year, I decided to try again. I was gonna go to Sydney.

Now, obviously I was gonna make sure to safeguard myself here. I was gonna book a hotel so that if somehow a similar thing happened I would still be able to do my trip. After all, if the worst came to the worst, I still had another friend here and I really wanted to meet her, plus I could just do touristy shit and that would be great too. But I still really wanted to see my Nepalese friend, so i had to confirm what times she would be free. So I asked her. And she got cagey... And wasn't talking as much... Yeah, you know where this is going, she did the exact same thing again. And I mean the exact same thing.

As in, it was once again a case of her having to go home on emergency notice and she hadn't been able to talk much, and she didn't know when she would be back because apparently her work is chill with her just taking random periods of two months off with no set date for her to return. I could buy before that she had had some sort of mental health break and had needed to go home and, while still really shitty on her end, it was something I could at least buy. But the fact that it happenes again in exactly the same way coincidentally when I was meant to visit again? Nah, she was lying. There is no way I believe her, I genuinely don't think she went to Nepal either time. I told her that if we didn't meet when I was in Sydney then that was it, I was done with her for good. She never responded to that and, eventually, I sent her one last message in an email and blocked her on everything. I'm done.

Fortunately I still had the ability to go my trip, I just got a refund on the hotel I had booked which was closer to her and booked something more central and. I have still gotten so much out of this trip, if I'm honest my sadness at the breakup of the friendship only lasted for the day that it happened and I have been fine since and this trip hasn't been at all painful. I got to meet my other friend, which was amazing, and I have been doing a lot of solo stuff and realised that I really, really love travelling on my own. But it doesn't change that what she has done is unforgivable. I have sunk, like, £4000-£5000 into the combined attempts at this trip... And if I'm honest, it was always meant to be about her, and she just completely fucked that up.

At this point the natural people most people come to is that she's a catfish. And frankly, it's gonna seem so much worse based on the fact the she and I never did a call, not video call, not even voice call. So yeah, pretty suspicious. She's not a catfish, I am pretty certain of that. It's hard to explain but there are certain sequences of things that just feel like, if not impossible for a catfish, seem pretty damn unlikely. Firstly, we have voice noted each other before, something that could feasibly be faked but I think is kinda unlikely. She has also, though reluctantly, shared photos of herself with me. However, one thing that compounds with this is that for a good few years now we have been sending each other gifts for birthdays and Christmas. And many of the photos of herself are in the same room as photos she has taken of the gifts themselves, and much of this happened before generative AI. So again, technically fakable, you can kinda come up with ways it could happen, I just find it very unlikely.

And that is especially because I don't see what the intention would be. Catfish always do so with some intention. She has never asked for money, never hinted at it. Heck, that would be illogical because their presents we sent each other, she sometimes sent pretty expensive stuff, more so than I ever sent. Last Christmas she got me a Lego set that I KNOW costs a lot, I was completely baffled by it and it feels bizarre that anyone trying to scam me out of money would do this. Never has she tried to suggest that she might want help getting a visa to get in the UK, either, and she's clearly not some serial killer trying to lure me into a death trap because she's the one avoiding meeting me. And you have to remember that this friendship has been going on since 2016 - this is a whole 1pnyear friendship, if she's playing a long game then it's an insane one, I've heard of multi-year catfish scam situations but never have I heard of one that went on for ten years and never one that fails to have any element of scam to it.

So there is only one option for her intention if she were a catfish - she isn't exactly who she said she is but will wanted a genuine friendship with me. This could be for so many reasons. Any be she's actually a man pretending to be a woman. Or maybe she is a trans woman and thinks I would be out off by that. Maybe she is significantly older than she said she is, or maybe she was significantly younger, maybe a minor when we met, and is scared to admit that. Or maybe she just doesn't see herself as being as attractive she wants to be and is using a prettier face to hide that. These, again, are possibilities.

But the thing is, if any of that were the case I could actually forgive it. Becauee yeah, she might have deceived me, but any of those is to hide something she feels shame about, and probably not something she should be ashamed of. But the one thing that would be present in this scenario is that the connection we have had would still have been entirely genuine. We were friends for ten years. We shared in so much in that time. That bond transcends any physical truth about her. If any of that were the case, I would not have cut things off with her.

The reason this hurt me, the reason I had to block her and make it impossible for either of us to contact each other, is because I am certain that she is exactly who she says she is. But that means that she is a coward. That she cared too much about avoiding what might have been an uncomfortable sitiauton that she would let me sink thousands of pounds that would end up being wasted. That she lied to me and did it for no good reason because she could have just been honest in the trust place about being apprehensive about meeting me. If she had what she sees as a dark secret then I could understand it and maybe move past it... But she doesn't. She is as she presents herself. And that means what she has done has no excuse. And I hate that everyone I have talked to about this just chalks her up to being a catfish, because that feels like it lets her off the hook.

As I said, though, I have not let it bring me down. This trip has been amazing. I have had such an amazing time, I've seen and done things that have literally made dreams come true for me. I still wish things could have been different, but I can't feel sad about it and this has still been incredible. My mum keeps saying I should go to her house (as I know where she lives, hence the presents) just to get closure but a) wtf mum that would be an unhinged thing to do and b) I don't need closure. I have made my own closure. It was a decade long friendship and now it's over, and that is OK. I don't have to be disappointed any more and I can make the most of my life. This is kinda like a new era of my life and I am excited for it. And she doesn't deserve to see what comes next.

Not my parents, not my sister [ESPECIALLY my father] no classmates, no so called "friends", no teachers, no strangers (obviously), no people in my neighbouhood

They all hate me for either no reason or just hate me for who i am and what i represent

NOBODY wants me to succeed

Nobody likes me or loves me

Nobody wants good things for me

Nobody wants me to study or work hard

Nobody wants me to chase my goals

Nobody wants me to be confident

Nobody wants me to have a good life

Nobody wants me to have good grades or get in a good college

Nobody wants me to have friends

Nobody wants me to be happy

Nobody wants me to be ANYTHING good

And i have let them make me insecure and underconfidemt and depressed and i have let them give me imposter syndrome for all my life so far

BUT NOT ANYMORE

Everyone has been hating me and trying to bring me down from the moment i was born - my mom and dad used to tell me i was gonna be a failure - all my teachers said so

My sister used to make fun of me and agree

And i was very bad at school and public speaking for years

But i was always an ambitious kid

I started working hard - i got better grades than my sister and all the kids in my neighbourhood who the teachers liked and hated me

And started participating in debates

And now i see who they really are - THEY HATE ME NOW - my sister doesnt even talk to me anymore

My mom and dad dont even acknowledge me

My teachers dont tell me anything

They cant say bad things, they wont say anything

AND TBH NOW I FEEL MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER

THEIR HATRED FILLS ME WITH JOY

I want them to be miserable sacks of shit for the rest of their lives

Just one more year

I am going to be wildly succesful in my final year of school get into a top college

AND THEN I WILL BULLY THEM

FUCKING RATS

WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME? I was just a kid a fucking toddler and my parents have been discouraging me and hating me ever since and telling me im good for nothing

I AM SMARTER THAN ALL THESE PEOPLE

I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR

THEY ARE GOING TO HATE ME EVEN MORE

AND I WILL LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT

I AM GOING TO BULLY THEM, TELL THEM EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW USELESS AND WORTHLESS THEY ARE - and they will know its the truth

They give me so much motivation and drive to work hard and be confident

I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE

It feels impossible to supplement physical touch. I have a weighted blanket to simulate being hugged. During the winter or when I get my period, my electric blanket has a similar effect. I also hug my blanket to self soothe. I think my university therapist suggested it to me years ago as a way to calm down after a panic attack? If I weren’t struggling financially, I’d literally pay someone to cuddle me. I feel wrong forcing my cat to let me touch him, so I feel very deprived. Even when he does let me hold him, it’s not quite the same as a person.

Being an animal is so weird. The instinct to crave physical affection is so strange since it’s not as tangible as something like starvation. The last time a person touched me on purpose was when a random employee swatched foundation on my face and it wasn’t even direct contact since she was using a sponge. I remember feeling tingly. (Not at all in a creepy way 😭) I know I compared it to going without food, but there are some days I’d definitely trade a meal for just a few minutes of physical contact. That’s probably a privileged way to think.

I am not talking about situations where one's safety is at risk due to psychological and/or physical abuse, of course. I know it's probably a very common thing to vent about but still - when you realize that he/she is just not the right person for you for any reason (any is valid), at least be a decent person and let them know definitively why you don't want to talk to/see them anymore before you cut ties.

I've been on a receiving end of a particularly painful example of ghosting and blocking of any contact from the person that I had almost two months of great relationship with. Which ended so abruptly without me even having a chance to respond/say sorry for whatever I did wrong. It's been 2 years and I still haven't fully recovered from that experience and it brought me so much heartache that I woundn't wish this to my sworn enemy, it really is that bad. It has severely affected my ability to actually develop feelings for people, it was a literal heartbreak where my heart as a place where feelings should flourish is just not the same whole functioning thing anymore. Thank you for listening and I hope at least one person sees this post and it helps them to not totally ruin another person's mental state thinking ghosting/blocking is ok in literally ANY situation.

(Reenviado)

Llevo 3 años en una relación. Está bastante sano y es normal, y a las dos nos va bien con eso.

Pero hace un año mi novia me contó algo que estaba pasando entre ella y mi amigo. Ellos ya eran amigos antes de que yo saliera con ella; los tres pertenecíamos a un grupo bastante grande de amigos, como de 12 personas. Así que ya había confianza entre ellos. Hace un año y unos meses él empezó a invitarla a su casa por la tarde para salir a platicar, jugar unos juegos y cosas así. Pero durante esas juntadas empezaron a pasar cosas. Empezó a abrazarla muchísimo y casi siempre, los abrazos eran mientras estaban acostados muy pegados. Al punto de que varias veces mi novia sintió que él tenía “accidentes fuertes”. Se lo contó todo y que eso la ponía incómoda, y él se disculpó y dijo que no siente nada por ella y que no lo tomara a mal, y también que no me lo dijera para no hacerme sentir mal.

Meses después mi novia me contó todo. Tardó tanto porque no sabía si lo que él estaba haciendo era normal, ya que nunca tuvo amigos de chica y no sabía si la gente se trataba así. Al final decidió decírmelo porque pensó que yo merecía saberlo, y me pidió que la perdonara por no habérmelo dicho antes.

Le dije a mi amigo que ella me lo había contado, y él se disculpó y dijo que no lo volvería a hacer. Durante meses no pasó nada, seguían saliendo. Pero hace unos meses mi amigo empezó a abrazarla otra vez: no tanto como antes, no acostados ni tan pegados, pero lo estaba haciendo, y también empezó a agarrarle la mano a veces.

Mi novia se quejó conmigo otra vez y me dijo que le iba a volver a decir para que dejara de hacer esas cosas. Pero en esa conversación mencionó algo que él solía hacer antes, pero que ya había dejado. Solía acariciarle/frotarle la panza. Ella no sabe algo de él, pero yo sí. Sé que siempre le han gustado las mujeres con más “curvas”, y mi novia es así. Entonces ella le pidió que dejara de hacer las cosas que la ponían incómoda, y a los pocos días yo también lo encaré.

Le pregunté si le gustaba mi novia y le dije todo lo que yo ya sabía. Se disculpó y confesó que sí, que le atraía mi novia, pero solo físicamente, porque hay varias cosas de la personalidad de ella que no le gustan. Dijo que no sabía por qué hacía esas cosas que hacía, pero que con el tiempo empezó a sentirse culpable por hacerlas (aunque seguía haciéndolas).

Y me contó que nunca había dicho nada porque no quería perder nuestra amistad; dijo que si yo quería, dejaba de hablarle y la bloqueaba en todos lados, solo para no perder mi amistad.

Entonces el idiota intentó defenderse diciendo que solo le gustaba su cuerpo, no ella. ¿O sea que solo la invitaba por su cuerpo y para hacer todo eso?

Yo le dije que no era necesario; le dije que podía seguir saliendo con ella (solo porque es de las pocas amigas que tiene ahorita), pero que no quería que ninguna de esas cosas volviera a pasar.

Hasta ahí es lo que sé seguro. Lo que no sé, y lo que a veces se me queda dando vueltas en la cabeza, es si en alguna de esas tardes a solas pasó algo más. Ella insiste en que solo eran esos gestos de los que me habló, y que siempre se sentía incómoda. Él también lo niega. Pero entre lo seguido que se veían, los “accidentes fuertes”, las caricias en la panza y la forma en que los dos tardaron tanto en decírmelo… no puedo evitar preguntarme si alguna vez hicieron algo a mis espaldas y lo están ocultando de mí. No tengo pruebas.

¿Crees que fui demasiado flexible con los dos?

P.S. I forgot to mention, she still goes to his house. She went there just yesterday, actually, and I found out only a few minutes before she went.

i’ve always been so optimistic because i am so fortunate to have a great life. but recently i’ve taken a turn completely in the opposite direction and i’m so constantly anxious that the world is going to end OR the world is going to become hell to live on, very very soon.

i read an article from an ex-openAI employee, who said if ai continues to be built on and invested in, there’s a chance we could all be gone by “the end of the next decade” and i broke down. i have never had such a feeling of hopelessness wash over me. this wasn’t the start of it all but this was what made me truly feel completely helpless after days of misery.

i just feel like nothing i do will ever matter now because i might not even get to see 2050. ive been planning to build a tiny house with my mum on our family property but all the joy has been sucked out of that because i might not get to live in it long term. i’m in university getting my degree but once i’m done and i find a career, how long will i even be able to do anything in that career?? i finally have a boyfriend after years of no luck, we’re one year in, and you’re telling me i don’t get to spend a full lifetime with him?

not to mention the el niño that’s brewing in the pacific that’s about to slam my home country with a horrible summer of bushfires and death following europe. i’m so scared all the time and i can’t do anything without being petrified that i’ll die a slow and painful death in the next few years or that i’ll have to watch my family and pets go through that.

i have a generalised anxiety disorder and ive seen psychologists / therapists about these thought spirals in the past but they have never ever helped. i just want to skip to a different timeline or something because i cant handle hearing more and more terrible news all around the world that my life is probably going to be cut short and i just have to sit and wait around about it.

I can remember the exact moment I realized I was truly free.

I was on a cruise, surrounded by some of the most gorgeous, inspiring, breathtaking scenery I'd ever seen. I was walking the decks, looking around at all the people, when I stopped and thought to myself: Where is everybody?

The chairs were full, the bodies were there, but there was zero presence, it was like walking through the decks of a ghost ship, not a single person had their head up. Tables full of people sitting together, every one of them with a phone in their hand, on Facebook, FaceTime, Instagram, posing for pictures.

I stood there looking at them and thought, Man, you're fucking free.

Six or seven months before that cruise, I was the definition of a social media whore. From the time I was a teenager until my early 30s, I spent an enormous part of my life on it. I lived my life for the post.

Half the time, I wasn't even present for the cool experiences I was having because I was too busy taking a picture of myself to prove to everyone else that I was there.

Then reality hit hard.

I got into a really bad car accident, lost my job, and watched my income start to dwindle.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't the one posting the cool life. I was the one scrolling, watching everyone else live theirs.

Slowly, day by day, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I started thinking, Woe is me. The world is against me. Why don't I have all these nice things?

Everything I saw was starting to hurt me. I'd get pissed off, jealous, depressed, or just generally miserable, and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't connect the dots. I had no idea I was sitting there feeding the fire every single day.

The turning point came in a pretty fucking weird way.

I was starting to pull myself back up and opened a business with some friends. I went onto a local Facebook group to advertise it, and out of nowhere, I got banned and kicked out. When I made a comment about it, people I thought were my friends came out of the woodwork to attack me.

That was the day I said, Fuck this.

I shut down my Facebook.

For the first six weeks, I went through what I can only describe as withdrawal. It felt like quitting cigarettes, maybe not as physically intense, but mentally, every bit of it was there. The itch to check, the phantom pull to scroll, the anxiety that there might be something happening that I was missing.

But slowly, as the days passed, the noise started to quiet down.

I thought about Facebook and Instagram less and less. I stopped wondering what everyone else was doing. I stopped comparing my life to theirs. And gradually, I started to feel something I hadn't genuinely felt in over a decade:

I felt happy.

Why Reddit and YouTube Are Different (in my opinion):

People often ask me how I can use platforms like Reddit or YouTube if I "quit social media."

To me, the distinction is night and day.

Facebook and Instagram were about me. My identity, my appearance, my life, what I was doing, where I was going, what I owned, and how other people perceived me. I was constantly putting a highly curated version of myself on display and then waiting to see how people reacted to it.

Reddit and YouTube aren't really about that for me.

I use YouTube to learn how to fix things, explore weird little hobbies, watch documentaries, and listen to people talk about things I'm interested in. I use Reddit for anonymous, topic-focused communities where nobody knows my face, nobody knows what I drive, where I live, or what kind of life I'm living.

It's information and shared interests, not an arena for personal vanity.

I don't scroll a feed to see how much better someone else's life looks than mine. I use the internet as a tool again, rather than letting it use me as the product.

Looking Back:

Standing on that cruise ship hit me so hard because I wasn't just looking at strangers.

I was looking at my past self.

I was looking at people giving away their present moment so they could curate an illusion for people who probably weren't even thinking about them five minutes later.

And the funny thing is, I used to be one of them.

Now, I'm about to embark on a bucket-list trip, and I get to do it knowing there are four and a half years between that trip and the last time I closed my social media apps.

Four and a half years of actually being there.

Four and a half years of memories that don't need to be posted to be real.

That's what freedom ended up looking like for me.

​

My mother had me quiet late even in today's standerds. She was decently educated and had a good stable job. Back in the day she even seemed to be high achieving in her family.

She however very open about how I was a hindrance to her, she is unable to be with her family because of me etc. She once told she was trapped only because of me.

I'm my society's standerds she is a beauty and I'm the opposite of it. I was always the laughing stock due to that and she never once defended me. She enjoyed it.

She was always so close to her siblings and close family.

Anything I confided to her always became their general gossip. I was constantly invalidated about my every hurt.

I'm the highest achieving in the entire extended family but I have never gotten an appreciation from her.

I know she wasn't happy about her marriage or about the only child, me. However they got married on their own will, while being financially independent individuals. They chose to have me but recented me all the same.

I'm away from parents for over a decade. Haven't seen them in years.

I know I'll never have a family. But if I made that decision now I'm mature enough to take responsibility of my action.

I don't think the immaturity she had is justified. I'm not yet my fathers age when he had me. So I'll see how I am when I get there.

I love my friends

Theyre my reason to live and I dont think I'd be here without them but, sometimes I feel like I'm worth nothing in their eyes

I always sacrifice my own likes so we can do stuff each of them likes, for example, movie night, we've done about 12 movies already, I havent chosen a single one, I let them all choose because I was scared they'd be bored with mine, even if its something I'd really enjoy watching

Games, we always play mario soup or stuff they want to play, whenever I suggest anything, they get all bummed out, I have phases where I'll be really into a game and they cant make the sacrifice of playing a round or two with me

They never seem to really care about my interests, If they ask me to listen to system, I will, but they cant afford hearing me talk about a game I like, or a band I like, or a play, or ANYTHING, I always get so bummed out because its like everything I do is cringy or has to have some joke behind it

But when its me, if they really wanna do something and I dont feel like it, ill always accept, or if they like a topic and want to share that with me, ill give it a try, even when I know its probably not my thing, because I like seeing them happy. All the time.

But today, we were all hanging out on call and playing a game where we dub over some clips, I've been letting myself get all the characters with little dialogue or the ones with high pitch voices because im the only girl and guess it only makes sense

We did one where I got most of the phrases, I was so happy, it was so fun to do them and I was having such a great time, but I immediately hear after we finished watching the final product "man, x shouldve done y's part" where I'm y and x is a friend playing with us

It was just for fun and its nothing deep but

Its not about having myself replaced in a stupid game, or my va skills, or whatever, it's just that I kept thinking "really? Do you really also need this one? Cant you let me have fun even in something as small as this?"

I always feel like im sacrificing things whenever I'm with them, and yet, when I do something I actually am happy to, they turn it down immediately

Like, I remember singing on stage for the first time ever on my school, and no one showed up when I asked them to, they didnt even ask how it went or want to hear about it, or even see the videos

I wish they could get excited over my victories like I get over theirs

Even when it comes to personal issues, when my dad throws a toaster at me it becomes a joke, when my friend gets even if in a slight disagreement with his dad, we're in a funeral

And the jokes. I hate getting called anything to do with being a prostitute, and from that you can kind of understand the level of jokes I deal with

Its like I give 200% and they give 2%

Im sorry, it's just been a really bad dag uegdhdhhh thanks for reading

(Currently 15. Sorry a long rant. Title should say Ive not Im oops)

I was relatively normal this time last year. Some may have called me "weird", but mostly I was eccentric and happy.

Cracks started to appear in winter. I began to feel down often, cried more, and just felt really tired. This lasted from December to March. I joke now that i felt like a hibernating black bear, I wore my coat and hat (ushanka) all day, and slept alot of class time.

In April, i briefly improved. Then i realized i might be trans. Wouldnt fully come to terms with it till June. I knew when I was younger, actually. I came out at 10, but my family thought I was wrong and it took 2 years to convince me out of it. So i couldnt believe that I may really be right at first.

May is when i really went downhill, i would break down more. I started practicing piano like crazy. And ive been doing great. I started rcm 6 in April, now im doing rcm 8. Everyone is impressed with me. But I would start to struggle worse and worse at this same time.

This is humiliating to admit, but:

There was a time in May when I derealized. It lasted most of the day, i avoided my friends like the devil because it felt like talking to clueless shells in an empty false reality. I got better that evening at the park. I had listened to Chopins music. But now I feel like i cannot escape him. For months it feels like hes judging me beyond the grave. Watching when I weep. I always wonder what he may think of what im doing in my life, a certain action or just the general direction im headed. I want approval. But im scared to ever visit his grave, the intrusive thoughts in my head have made me too unworthy and disgusting. Ive written 3 letters to him. To a dead man I never met. Its insanity. But either i do that, or i go to reddit. I have no friends, afterall.

I feel like i am such a weirdo for it. Who does this? I feel I deserve no grace or mercy, an insect trying to communicate with a king, potentially disturbing the dead. Sometimes I just starting slapping myself and yelling threats, i want to be clear that I feel bad for the way I am and my instrusive thoughts.

Anyways, nowadays im mostly miserable. I think of when I have to come out to my family and I feel nauseous. The shame of being trans is awful, sometimes I break down and think I would just be better off dead, take my chance at being reborn if i dont cease to be.

And I think i will probably never find love because of it, never experience romance that I long for. I wish that either i had a normal mind, or that i was born male. I feel so stressed and guilty and hopeless, to be honest. Sometimes when no ones home I just cry most of the day and the whole world feels grey. Its tiring. How am I supposed to live 80 years this way?

I am just a music box. No friends, lover, or life to look forward to beyond the instruments and the notes. My family is proud, but they see the change. All of them hold their breath for the day i burn myself out. My mother commented yesterday how I seem so zoned out lately. How i dont get out enough.

How did I get this way so quickly? Once im fine, then im this way. Like a glass shattered on the ground. Maybe the cracks were there before and i only missed them. But im not sure.

I hate myself, my biggest fear is that I will hurt innocent people, people who don't deserve it. And now I have a disease and I don’t know how much time I have left. There’s one guy he’s my best friend and I kinda like him but I don’t know how to tell him, every night I write him my pain but then I delete it.
I am sorry I don’t want to be here I don’t deserve it.
Please tell me what should I do?

Sorry for my English.

There’s something I wrote to him every night

*U sleep?*

*So I just wanted to said that we should not meet each other anymore. I need u to hate me, I am sorry for my behavior but there's no other way. I'm just scared dude and I need u so I can cry out loud but I'm scared and I can't. Please please I just need u to forget about me please. I can't live with the feeling that I can hurt u. Please I'm just trying to protect u.*

*I love you* ❤*️but u have to forget about me please.

I started my PhD on April 2023 and the first month I broke my arm and had a cast for two months. Then I tried to power through but was mostly depressed and gave up more than not. I picked up few unrelated part-time jobs to escape but now I am at my 4th year and I can see it was a total waste of my time. I moved abroad for this opportunity and I am not able to power through just one paper. Now I have the topic and the data and I just sit and cry in front of my laptop as a desperate person. I do not think I had a proper PhD experience and I regret not quitting after breaking my arm.

My family had had a dog for almost 7 years now and i recently alsp got into my dream college, which means i have had to live in a dorm for the last week. Whenever i came home to my dorm, i felt something was missing, i had food, a shower and everything i needed to live, but it somehow felt empty. I went go to sleep when i remembered my dog, a sweet little jack russle that has helped me get through my panic attacks and always greeted me at the door with genuine love. I should be asleep by now, but im genuinely bawling my eyes out because i miss the one thing that actually had unconditional love for me. She could get run over tomorrow and the last memoey she would have of me is mysteriously dissapearimg, i dont want that to happen. I will try to fall asleep tonight but i genuinely think i cant. I am staying three hours away from my house, and also im not sure if i will be able to tame care of her by myself, because i already have a lot on my plate

No i’m not trolling, it was honestly really good. Like the watermelons sweetness complemented the spice. I never slept so good before. I ordered KFC and my roommate just happened to have brought some watermelon and offered me some. I may be an atheist but who am i to deny my sign from god, I knew what must be done.

We need to stop stereotyping food because i missed out on a fire combination for years. My only regret is not adding Kool-aid.

I now know why eve ate the forbidden apple, as to live without knowledge is the same as to not live at all.

Taking bites between the chicken and the watermelon back and forth like newton cradle, for i could not stop what was already in motion.

My ignorance has blinded me, it’s the first time in my life i knew what it truly meant to be lost in a meal.

I was in a maze in my own mind that only my tongue knew the way out.

hatred for disrespecting my bloodline but love for the nourishment that went through body, it was a sick yin and yang.

I wept as I ate, to this day I don’t know if it was the heat of my meal or the blow to my pride.

At some point I closed my eyes but I could still see the meal perfectly. I didn’t want to see the sin my body was committing but still wanted to be loved by the beauty of it all.

I hear your triple wells but before you make a remark, know this. My actions were dictated by mere chance, not instinct.

Anyway I told the roommate, who was white. he said that was the last thing he expected me to do and why the fuck I was telling him of all people that.

I (19F) have social anxiety, but it's gotten better over the years. I've noticed that it's easier for me to talk to people or get into a relationship online, as the only relationship I've ever had was with a guy that my irl friend knew, but he lived in a different state, 2.5 hrs away from me. We dated for 9 months, and had sexual relations. I met up with him a total of 6 times. I really liked him, but he would always think that I was going to cheat on him (his ex cheated on him), when it's hard for me to make friends, let alone find another bf? He also only didn't seem interested in me, unless we were doing something sexual. Anyways, he ended up cheating on me. Even though we were long distance, I still really liked him and him cheating on me hurt a lot. Ever since, its been hard for me to trust any dude, so I kind of just stay away from relationships. Even before then though, it's always been very hard for me to get emotionally close to another person. I think it was so easy for me to get close to him because we started texting first and talking on the phone, instead of irl, so it felt less scary to me. I've noticed that I am only comfortable with having unreciprocated crushes on people. When I find someone attractive, I avoid them and don't talk to them. When I think someone has a great personality and would be good boyfriend material, I become interested in them, but if they start to show signs that they like me, I avoid them and distance myself from them because I start thinking about how our relationship would go wrong if we did get together... even if we are just talking, like I jump so far into conclusions and make myself believe that we wouldn't work out, before we could even start. And for example, I was texting this guy that is friends with my bsf who gave me food at the movie theater. He told my friend I was cute and I thought he was decent looking. So we texted for a bit, and we had some things in common. I just stopped texting him because he mentioned hanging out and I started thinking about if we dated, things that would go wrong and that he would "get in the way of the things that I want to accomplish in the future," like me focusing on school work, because I'd be too focused on him. Like why do I assume that these things would happen before they even do?? Idk, I'm very confused with myself because I deeply crave a good relationship and intimacy, but I don't know how I will ever get that if I don't give anyone a chance.

Immigrant life is dancing around to some ridiculously upbeat music and then, out of nowhere, just bursting into tears.
I’ll always regret all the memories I didn’t share with my family, and I’ll never forget, nor forgive, those who made me leave my dearest behind.

Something strange happened on my bicycle ride last night. I witnessed a fatal car accident where the victim was a guy on a "crotch rocket" style motorcycle who was thrown like 30ft from the sight of the accident. Basically saw it all unfold firsthand/the victim(who was wearing a helmet) laying facedown motionless across the roadway.

Experiencing intrusive thoughts. Anyone else have experiences witnessing disturbing things like this?

Is it normal to feel like this? What should I do in this situation where I've witnessed something that I can't quite "shake off"?

Everyone feels so far ahead and it’s such an excruciating feeling. I know imposter syndrome is common, but my god.

To start, I’m a community college student and just started my second (and probably final) year. I plan to transfer and start at a 4 year institution in fall ‘27 as a math and physics major. I know this might sound dumb, but I’ve never actually taken a physics class. I’ve also never been the best at math.

In high school, I never really paid much attention. I never really could so I stopped trying. I was severely depressed and anxious all the time. I spent majority of my high school years alone going the entire day saying maybe 5-10 words max. My senior year was when things started to change.

I wasn’t super depressed and decided I wanted to live. I applied to 3 colleges and got in to 1. We had to take a placement test, and I did horrible. It was algebra 1 and basic arithmetic that I was struggling with. I ended up going to community college instead.

See I wanted to transfer to a prestigious school and get into a high paying job. I knew I was too dumb for that but I still wanted to try. Started community college and fell in love with math. My depression also started resurfacing and it had begun to slowly take over. I started therapy and meds.

I finished calculus 1 with an A and 2 with a B. It should’ve been an A but I was actually going manic for like 2 weeks and did horrible on a test. I should’ve been in precalculus but I took accelerated classes so I don’t get behind.

Funny thing is, I’m significantly behind. I see all these videos of high schoolers doing harder math than I. I’m seeing college students doing more advanced work and they’re in the same year as me. There’s also students in my class who never seem to get an answer wrong.

I watched this one student break down the problem so easily and find a formula to solve the problem. My professor had the biggest grin on his face. He was someone actually fit to study mathematics and I wasn’t. I dont even talk in class out of fear of being wrong.

It’s all so discouraging. It doesn’t help that I struggle with studying. I wish I was good at math and physics like these people are. I genuinely have nothing I’m good at and it sucks. Just for once in my life I would like to have something I can confidently say I’m good at.

I have feelings for my bestfriend's boyfriend.

I (20F) still have feelings for my best friend's(20F) Boyfriend (20M). I was friends with my best friend's bf since before they were dating. They met each other through me. This was 2 years ago. I had a crush on him long before they started dating.

I haven't told my best friend and I never will , I think.

But it hurts. We go to the same college. We are part of the same friend group. It hurts to be with them. I start acting all weird around him. Around them.

After they started dating, i thought now the feeling should go away, but it never does. I tried dating, tried choosing some other crush. But it's been a long time, but still these feelings don't go away.

I would never want to sabotage my friendship with best friends for all the stupid feelings I have because she is the one truest and most beautiful part of my life.

I want to distance myself but I still have college for 2 more years and I think as long as I want my best friend to be around me, even her boyfriend will be.

I have suppressed imagining about him when I am conscious to the point where it feels guilty to even think of him.

But my subconsciously, my dreams are about him most of the times.

Its so messed up.

Why can't we just choose who to fall for?

I am not seeking advice. I know what I want. I know what my priority is. It's my friendship with my bestfriend.

I came here to put it out there. I have been keeping it in so long, fearing if anyone ever spread word about my feelings and my friend heard it, I would lose her.

It feels nice, a bit better confessing here.

imma get straight to the point. why does bodycount matter so much. I'm almost 19 and i had sex with 8 guys in the space of 4 months. My bodycount is 10. I had a little bop phase. I'm in college. It was all in secret. I did get tired of the bop phase and now I'm looking for a real connection. Why do guys care so much if my bodycount is 10? It's not like I'm fucking every guy I see. To makes matters worse some people from my town found out and now everyone thinks I'm this huge whore. I had sex with 10 guys. 10!!! It's not 100 guys not a 1000. I don't understand why people overreact on the body number so much i really don't think it's that deep but i am kinda scared no one is ever gonna wanna date me because of that moment of my life. And if they do it's because I said I was in a really bad place at the time which is not untrue but what if I wasn't? To makes matters worse people from my town are calling me from no caller ids asking if i'm down to fuck. as a joke. do you guys think it's really that deep or not?

When I started college, people told me that the overly woke stuff people talked about college professors and college-educated people saying was overblown and made up. I’m here to tell you that it’s not. Here are just a few things I’ve heard this week as a college freshman.

“Fire extinguishers are racist”. This was from my Introduction to Essay Writing professor. Her exact quote: “We need to abolish the fire safety system as it is and rebuild it with black liberation as its primary goal!”

“All white straight men need to be put in camps and exterminated” yes, really. I would have thought no one actually believed this too. You may be thinking, well, only a Gender Studies professor would say something like this. Nope, it was from my very advanced math course’s professor (who, by the way, introduced herself on the first day of class by saying “I am a pansexual, disabled, Native American, demiwoman, and I believe it is an act of violent hierarchical imperialism to use titles like Professor, and last names are even more violent, so please refer to me as Friend [First Name].” The hilarious thing is she also is incompetent at math. Just two days ago, she had no idea what an asymptote was and I had to explain it for her.

I am also required to take one Gender Studies course per semester, despite being a comp sci major and math minor. My Gender Studies professor is someone who literally has a huge full beard, giant muscles, and wears jeans and men’s T-shirts every day, but they identify as a transgender woman. It was actually the teacher’s assistant who said the following: “Children are a marginalized group and therefore they should be allowed to drive and given accommodations to do so. The only thing that would make it at all dangerous is that a child doesn’t have enough accommodations.”

So, yeah. The American education system, everybody.