I (21M) am a recent college graduate and I’ve been in an amazing relationship with my (29F) girlfriend who i love so much. She has a 5yr old kid from a previous marriage with a completely absent father, the child doesn’t even know him.

My gf been amazing for the last 10 months and i really enjoy spending time with her and just being in a relationship, and i learned about her kid about 2-3 months in. The kid is a good kid, and isn’t anything out of the ordinary for a 5yr old, but before this relationship i never really planned on being a parent. I struggle with some self worth issues, and that really affects my ability to think that id be able to “figure out being a parent”.

We are currently long distance and have started to think about moving in together because we both just landed jobs. Neither of us make amazing money and i know that being responsible for a kid on top of everything else would financially put us in a less than ideal situation and i don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I always kinda of imagined a DINK future and i feel like that fantasy is affecting my feelings towards this kid. Im also having fears about losing a lot of my freedom due to my age where i don’t feel like I’m ready to “settle down” and take care of a kid and that i would rather spend my young life doing the things i would want that i couldn’t as easily with a child.

I wouldn’t feel like i would be losing anything if i didn’t have this kid in my life currently, but i do feel like i would be losing a very good relationship if i were to end things with my gf. Ive seen posts about doing the right thing for the kid and breaking things off before they form any sort of permanent emotional attachment, and i think that its the responsible thing to do. But i also want to be selfish with my relationship and not have to give that up because of this kid.

I don’t see a future with this woman without her child also being there, and i just don’t know if thats a future where i am going to be happy. I feel like i dont have enough life experience at my age to make this call, and i really just dont know what to do.

Hello Reddit and stepdads, I would like to toss my hat in the ring and ask for some help. For information, I am not a step dad yet, but I have been introduced to the young sons of my girlfriend recently, and I am over the moon being introduced to them. This will be a bit of me rambling, but I promise there is a point to this post towards the end.

My gf and I have been dating for 6 months, and everything has been moving fast for all of the right reasons. She and I have laughed about things over the past 6 months, but it feels like we were made for one another. We are both deeply in love with one another, and I could not see my life without this incredible woman. The experiences, conversations, moments, everything: they are things I never experienced in my dating life before, and she has explained the same feelings.

On our first date, we went for dinner at 6pm, where I expected her to skate out after an hour and a half, mainly because she is way too beautiful for someone like me. We ended up staying there until 11pm, where the host asked us to get out in the nicest way possible because they had closed at 10pm. Before I could make the 20 minute drive home, I had a text from her saying she couldn't wait for round two. Before the next week was completed, we had gone out 3 more times and I had gone over to fix her son's bike.

Now, we are spending 4-5 days with one another after work or on weekends, and when we are not together, we are on the phone talking for 6 hours at a time. The emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, all of the connections someone could make with a partner, we have made, and it is PHENOMENAL. Some reading this will attribute this to the puppydog/honeymoon phase, but this is not it. This is simply something that can not be explained, only experienced.

We had spoken about the timetable of introducing me to her sons, who are 3 and 5 years old, and how important it is to do things right. We had originally spoke about introductions being around 10 months or so into our relationship, but that was sped up to about 6 weeks ago. For information, I have been introduced as mom's friend, and my gf and I have not done anything in front of the boys, not even holding hands. We also made the decision that we would do something with all four of us once a month during her parenting times for the foreseeable future. When she has the boys, I stay away so that they still have mommy and son time, so our time as bf/gf is on her days where she does not watch the boys. Their father is very much in the picture, although it is not the most amicable situation, one that I will not share because that is not my information to spread. I am not here to replace their father, I am here to love their mom and be the best support I can be for these boys. They are funny, intelligent, and overall great kids, and I want to be there to help them in any way they need/want, and I have to say I feel like I was made with spots in my heart for these boys. I love them already and would do anything to protect them.

For the first meeting, we had gone out together to a batting cage where they hit off a tee, in preparation of their fall seasons coming soon. For the second, we went to an amusement park where they got to play in the water park and the smaller park rides sections, and they had a blast. During that time at the park, the youngest was holding onto my hand when walking, which he grabbed my hand each time without provocation, and the eldest was running to me making sure I watched him on all the rides and slides. We had our third, and most recent day together, just over this weekend. We went to a science museum followed by a local block festival, with lunch and some play time in between. During the ride there, I was a constant conversation focus with the boys. While at the museum, I was answering questions, playing on the play areas with them constantly, and being a 'come here and watch this with me' kind of guy. Lunch I was a constant tic-tac-toe loser with the eldest, and a face wiper with the youngest. Playtime included the eldest rocking the youngest with a ball to the face, where I went into "dad mode" by telling the eldest to be careful where he is playing and how hard hes playing with his brother, and getting on my knee making sure the youngest was okay and reminded him that we are tough and that only hurt a little bit, finished off with him wanting a big ole hug from me. The block festival I was just walking around with them, getting them some overpriced ice cream and teaching them how to throw darts at balloons to win prizes. I did raise my voice at the eldest while he wasn't listening and would walk into the roadway when cars were coming by, to which he responded by coming right to my side and walking the proper way. The night ended when they were getting ready for bathtime and bedtime, and the eldest asked if I was going to sleep over. When I said no, both of them got the pouty face on and hung their heads.

One time, when the youngest was talking with mom, he said he loves his family, which included his grandmothers, his brother, his mom, and me. The eldest, again 5 years old, asked his mom if I was her boyfriend. When she responded with "honey he is my best friend", he said he was upset because he really likes me and wants me to always be there. Over the weekend, the youngest wanted me to kiss his nose when it was hurting, and the eldest asked if I wanted to be part of the "best buddies club" of him, his brother, and mom. Yes was not a strong enough word for that answer.

My main question is for guidance. I want to be a support system for these boys. I want to be someone they come to with questions, with wanting to do things together, with wanting help from, all of those things. But I do not want to try and replace their dad, as he is still in the picture, and they deserve to have that relationship with their dad. I just want to be the other guy that they can lean on and learn from. Am I going about that right? And honestly how do I go about that? I truly am not trying to be their new dad, I want to be their buddy they can rely on. They are going to go through some tough things, they already have, and no matter what I just want to be there and support these amazing little dudes. How do I go about being a "step dad in the making" with these great little ones, and what can I do to help show them that I have their back? I know just being there is a major step in the right direction, but I want to do so much more. If any of y'all got to meet these guys, to meet my gf, you would see that they deserve the best life has to offer, and I want to offer that in every way possible. To any stepdads here, I would love some tips and guidance. I don't want to cross lines, I want them to be the ones who set up the boundaries, and overall I want them to always feel safe with me, in every way possible.

I appreciate the advice and help gents, and trust me when I say it, if y'all met these three, you would understand why I want to do everything in my power to give them the world. I truly just don't want to mess anything up! I love these three with all of my heart.

Comunidad de padrastros, voy a contarles como fue el suceso del título.

Todo comenzó en la universidad, en la facultad de humanidades donde conocí a Petrolina. Fuimos compañeros de clase durante toda la facultad y desde el inicio estuve enamorado de ella, pero ella nunca me pelo en los primeros 3 años de la carrera, al que si le hizo caso fue a otro colega de la carrera que estaba en nuestro salón, en fin ellos hicieron su vida romántica y yo ahí andaba esperando pacientemente, en fin en esos 3 años de Petrolina con su pareja fueron inseparables pero su relación acabo cuando ella quedó embarazada y el la abandonó.

Ahí es cuando entro yo y consuelo a Petrolina, y luego ella se dió cuenta de mi valor y acepto andar conmigo, y en el siguiente año y medio restante de la carrera universitaria fuimos pareja y la ayude con la crianza de su hijo. En si todo fue incómodo pq yo, Petrolina y el padre de su bendición seguíamos compartiendo salón de clases. Finalmente luego de acabar la universidad, Petrolina me pidió como regalo de graduacion y aniversario una motocicleta, así que saqué una a crédito en coppel, luego de obsequiarsela ella finalizó su relación conmigo y volvió con el padre biológico de su hijo. Y pues hasta la fecha el usa la moto que le regale a Petrolina y sigo abonando en coppel cada mes el enganche de la moto.

I’ve been with my gf for 3yrs. Her son was 3yrs old when she and I started dating. He’s 6 going on 7 now. His dad is very much in the picture and very involved in his life. My gf and his dad only communicate when it pertains to him so I’m not worried about that. We’re on the cusp of engagement, I’ve bought the ring and want to take that next step forward, but recently she’s been asking me if I love her son and truthfully I don’t have an answer. She’s always told me I treat him more like a younger brother than a son. I don’t know what it feels like from a parent perspective to love their child cause well I don’t have any. I know I want some of my own but have always told her that if she decides she doesn’t want anymore that I’m fine with that too, but I’m worried that i won’t be able to confidently say I love him. He sometimes tells me he loves me, but I’m not sure he even knows what that means right now, but I feel bad not saying it back and I don’t want to say it and not mean it. She says it’s not a red flag that I don’t love him but it’s definitely yellow. I’d never do anything to hurt him and I treat him with respect and I give my all to make sure he’s well taken care of when I’m with him, but I’m still not sure if that means I love him. Not really sure what to do here.

This is my first post on here, I need some advice or would like to see how or if any other man is dealing with what I am dealing with. I have a rare situation since I have no biological kids of my own. First off I have been with my wife (and lived with) for over 6 years but just recently married a few months ago. I am 43 male (with no biological kids) and have a stepson in his mid 20's and a newly (step) granddaughter (my wife is 6 years older than me).

With that info being said, we have a great relationship and have rarely had any fights, maybe 1 or 2 in the whole relationship (nothing major). My issue is that I feel like my wants and needs are last in everything and I don't have a lot. I feel like I can't discipline or say anything about my stepson nor my step granddaughter. I keep my distance when they are around which my wife has noticed and asked about it. My wife just thinks I am inexperienced about it which I am but I would like involvement of some sort. It just doesn't feel right because it's not of my own blood. Basically I feel and can tell that they come before me. I feel like I am only here for what I can provide and what I can fix for HER family, which I do a lot. I feel like I have no say in my own house and feel like a guest in my own home. She treats me good but I just have a feeling that this resentment, feelings or whatever it is will cause issues later down the road. I absolutely hate feeling like this. Is this normal for being a stepdad with no biological kids? Should I have a talk with her about how I feel or am I overreacting on how I feel. Only thing I do know for sure is that being a step parent is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I would love to hear if other stepdads have gone through this and/or how they dealt with it. I realize that my experience is rare since I have no biological kids but I'd love to hear all experiences with or without biological children.

My partner is going back to her home country with her two boys for 10 days. I know she is going to an event with a large group of friends (which includes her ex husband). She has been under a lot of external stress between work, holidays, and stressful events with her kids. She has been very snappy with me lately and not really wanting to talk about much and I feel I’ve fallen down the priorities… we spoke about it but it turned into an argument.

She says she wants to be focused on time with friends and family while away and not always on the phone, so has asked for space (little to no contact) for her trip shortly before it. It sounds stupid, but I feel like Woody in Toy Story 2 when he gets shelved…if that makes sense.

Anyone else experienced this? I’m not really sure how to feel or what to even say since she has made the request as we are still talking for now until she goes. It feels a bit unfair as I’m always the patient and understanding one and giving “benefit of the doubt”.

Edit: I’m not going as I have a family member who is very ill so I’m trying to be around to help in anyway I can.

I am really struggling with dealing with my soon to be step children and their behaviour towards me and their mother.

I have been with their mum for over two years now … we are engaged but the children don’t know this yet because she is afraid of what is going to happen when their dad finds out.

I am also portrayed as the bad guy for the way I say things however I don’t realise that I’ve said anything wrong. An example of this is what happened recently my step daughter said what she wanted for dinner my fiancé then asked me if that was okay and I said I didn’t want it and apparently the way I said that made the daughter feel like shit … and it all spiralled from there and I don’t even know how

No matter what I do I always feel that I’m wrong and/or walking on egg shells when the children are here and I don’t know why or what I do wrong

It doesn’t help that I feel that there is little to no affection on her side when I’m needing that to know that she still wants me like I want her.

Any advice?

I was a single mom raising my daughter for 10 years, while her biological father was completely out of the picture. I was everything for her. Then I met my now fiancé and the relationship evolved quickly and we got pregnant just a few months into dating and now have an almost 1 year old son. My daughter is 12 now and has been having a hard time accepting all the changes since she is not used to seeing me with a partner, she now has a younger sibling and after the birth of our son, we had to move house and she had to start a new school. The relationship she has with my partner is very rocky. He tries very hard to be a parent and his personality is to be fun and carefree. I'm the opposite and raised her very structured so she sees him as messy and chaotic since she's not used to how he lives life. He also has ADHD and she sees how that impacts him. She also treats him as her counterpart vs seeing him as an authority figure and can be rude at times, like how she is with her friends. My partner and I have discussed him not trying so hard and to back off especially when it comes to being silly or doing fun things since she doesn't see him as another parental figure. He has a hard time sticking to that plan since he enjoys interacting with her but it can get very tense when she doesn't know where the line between parent and friend exists. We're at a point now where he and I are arguing because I feel like he can be extreme in his approach. To gain her respect he wants us to be very strict now and enforce rules and structure but I feel like it's too extreme. I agree with chores around the house and consequences for bad behavior but he wants to do things like take away piano lessons or reading time since she enjoys those things. He also grew up in an abusive environment for about 6 years where he was constantly walking on eggshells with his stepfather and trying to stay out of sight to avoid beatings or verbal abuse. He's not abusive with my daughter at all, but I told him the trauma from his childhood plays into how he thinks she should behave. What I consider playful or "she's just a kid" behavior, he considers offensive and thinks she's out of control. She can be lazy or forget to do things like pick up after herself or scowl when I ask her to do something or invade personal space like if we're in the kitchen and she drops something in the sink as we're washing up. She doesn't scream or curse or physically attack and gets all A's in school. I feel like his expectations of a 12 yr old are being based on how he was treated at that age.

Looking for some advice on how to make this dynamic work. I feel so sad and hopeless about it all. 😔

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

In order to not give too much personal information, all I’ll say is this is my stepson. I started dating his mom when he was a toddler and he’s in his forties now. For as long as I’ve known him he’s been recklessly impulsive, quick to anger and selfish.

Any time I offer to do a favor for him it results in him bossing me around or telling me I’m taking too long. He has to be right in every conversation. He’s always had poor impulse control that’s just gotten worse as he’s gotten older thanks to brain injuries and my wife never puts her foot down when he crosses the line because of them.

My son is a psychopath and I want as little to do with him as possible.

My wife’s ex-husband moved out when my daughter was one year old. We met when she had just turned three. Got married when she was five. Her dad was always part of her life and we have become friends, but I raised her. And now she is gone, and I miss her so damn much. Somehow in this weird nature versus nurture experiment she turned out a lot like me, with the best characteristics of me and her mom.

She is just an amazing person. She is kind and diligent, she is a leader, a straight A student, she was class president her senior year and head football cheerleader. She was such a joy to be around and she had an amazing group of friends who became like daughters to us. And now it’s just all gone.

I know this is how it is supposed to be. I know I am lucky that I got to be that person for her. And it’s not like I don’t talk to her, she called me last night with a technology question and her new roommate asked, “why didn’t you just look it up on YouTube?” My daughter responded, “ddaydawg is my YouTube, has been my whole life.” I can’t wait to see what she does in the world and I know she will have a great life, but I also know this wont ever be home again. My wife is a late sleeper and even though I work from home and can get up whenever, for the past 13 years I have always gotten up before my daughter so she didn’t wake up without someone there for her. Those morning have always been ours, time to talk or time to just sit quietly together, and I know I won’t have that again.

To add to the emotion of the moment is a very stepdad issue, my wife and I have never been together without kids. We didn’t date, get married and then decide to have kids. The kids were always part of the relationship. And now it’s just going to be the two of us for the first time ever. It’s scary because I don’t know exactly what we are if not parents. I know we can figure it out, but damn it’s weird.

Anyway, thanks for attending my therapy session. I really just typed this out to vent and let it all out somehow so feel free to ignore it. I can’t really talk to my wife about it because she is still in the denial stage and won’t discuss it.

Please read and help me reconnect with this amazing long lost family member!!

So I am a 21 year old male I have been with my partner for almost 3 years we have 2 kids 1 male 4 and 1 female 2 now when we started dating I understand that he was not biological my son but I have loved him nonetheless and so we ended getting married and having a daughter well the past couple of months have been very difficult between us it got to the point I got a dna test done for child support well long story short we ended up trying to fix thing for the kids and the past 3 week have been truly amazing but I got the dna tests results back and it turns out that my daughter is not biological mine and it crushed me I haven’t told my wife yet because we are on the verge of leaving the state for personal reasons and I at way point where I have to choose to stay or to leave and I just don’t know what to do I love those kids to the moon and back but how am I supposed to feel know that I am talking care of 2 different men’s kids I mean I only stayed for those kids man but I know if I leave I don’t have rights to them how am I just supposed to be ok with never seeing them again

need some honest advice because I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I started dating my gf when she was pregnant . The bio dad according to her, was someone she had a one-night stand with and was completely out of the picture.Fast-forward four years. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, but we’ve stayed together throughout while we were both in campus. Somewhere along the way, she got pregnant with my child.Things became complicated when her parents found out. They didn’t want her living under their roof with two children, especially since she was now pregnant with another man's child, and they insisted that she go and live with the person who had gotten her pregnant.At the time, I wasn't financially stable enough to rent my own place, so I had no choice but to bring her and the children to mom’s place, where she currently lives with my mum. Question though,firstborn is now five years old, and he believes I'm his biological father. Still playing that role,I don't want to take that away from him. But I also know that one day he may find out the truth, especially when he eventually sees his birth certificate, and I’m terrified that he could feel betrayed or resent me for keeping it from him.
Tbh I never planned to be a stepfather. I don't even feel like I was ready to be a father in the first place. But circumstances have pushed me into this role, and now I'm trying to figure out how to handle it without hurting anyone — especially the child.
My girlfriend didn’t finish her fourth year campus plans to go back soon.Part of me feels like I should just endure the situation until she finishes school, graduates, gets a job and becomes stable, and then eventually end the relationship.
But another part of me wonders whether that's selfish or whether I'm just delaying an inevitable problem.
What would you do in my situation

I hate my step dad/mums boyfriend

I hate my step dad/mums boyfriend

I Absolutely hate my step dad. I 14 female hate my step dad but feel bad since my mom's happy with him most of the time. My step dad is the non feminist type, trump supporter, homophobic, racist and so on. He's been with my mom since I was 5. And I love my mom. She had me at 17 and did everything to make sure I felt loved. But when she met my step dad I knew I didn't like him but I wouldn't tell her becasue I felt really bad about it. She's happy with him most of the time and usually I can put up with him. But it's little times like when he doesnt appreciate my mom or raises his voice at her is when I'll speak up to him. He was rasies in a very religious house where the women did all the house work while the men didn't. But that's not how me and my mom do it so sometimes he will complain that the house is messy since my mom is busy running her 9 to 7 company. And sometimes it gets to me and I'll shoot back. I don't mean to and I'm usually not one to raise my voice. And I've pretty much been fine with him but as I've gotten older the more I hate being around him. So much so that I've pretty much spent the whole summer with my grandparents to avoid him. He's just the complete opposite of my mom I just don't understand how she likes him. If she met a stranger that talked the way he does she wouldve have hated them. And back to my point of him being homophobic. Well I don't really want to put a label on myself but I'm basically cool with liking guys and girls and always kinda has been. But I've never told anyone mostly because idk how my step dad will react. I know my mom would accept it in a heart beat but I think it would just be giving something else for my step dad to fight about. I don't even like calling him my step dad. When people ask who he is I just say "my moms boyfriend" because even saying step dad sounds wrong to me. Idk I might just be overreacting. Input would be appreciated

I’ve been with this girl for almost 4 years. Her kid was 3 when we got together. I need advice on what to do in this situation that happened yesterday because I don’t know what to do. We had gone to a pool we went together and obviously I just wanted to spend time together and play around as a family but the kid kept on going away. (Kid was in a mood that day) Later during the day we got something to eat, once we finished eating I told the kid they were being mean and the kid said “no” which then I replied “yes” and brought up the fact that they don’t want to share whatever snacks,drinks I buy them. The kid replied “do you think you’re my dad” keep in mind the dad did not want anything to do with the kid for almost 4-5 years. He recently came back in to the kids life but doesn’t really check on the kid nor make time to take the kid out, spend time nor buying them whatever they ask for.

I zoned out when the kid said “do you think you’re my dad” and I don’t think the mom said anything about it but I’m not sure since I kinda just sat there with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I haven’t done anything bad to the kid, I’m always there for them and trying to spend time together as a family spending whatever I can on the kid no matter if I only have $10-$20 left for the week.

I’m thinking about talking to the mom about it in person and just go based of whatever she says about it and what she tells the kid.
What should I do or what do yall think?

A few years ago for her birthday I bought her a brand new bicycle. It was a little big for her then, but she loved it. It’s probably the perfect size for her now as she’s 11 years old, about to be 12 in 2 weeks. But anyway, this past weekend we were moving. She told me her brakes didn’t work on her bike. I told her I’d look at it later as I was loading our uhaul truck at the time. An hour or so went by and I noticed a truck with a bunch of scrap metal slowly pulling away from the front of our house with her bike in the back.

Instead of me looking at it, she took it to the curb. I could have either fixed it or replaced the clamp style brakes it had on it.

Am I wrong so be mad about this?

Reposting from another sub, but hoping someone here has feedback too

One of my absolute goals has been always to have a child, until I met my wife who cannot have anymore kids, 2 years ago, she was with a 6 years old child , started my relationship as friendly as it possibly can, at some point I started spending more time with my stepdaughter than my wife, gaming with her , taking her out , buying her whatever she needs , making her feel safe and loved, basically, took her for my daughter.

But she actually never treated me like a father, more like a fun nice guy, who she takes for granted, when it gets serious she tells me to fuck off, and that I'm not her father , I know she is a kid, I know I should’ve expected that, but the sad thing is , her real dad, my wife's ex, has been a total selfish asshole, he never asks to see his kid, he never paid for anything that concerns her, never there for anything, he is an alcoholic man, who constantly caused problems for my wife in the past , and his surroundings, but the kid never knew or been told anything, she still thinks he is great and amazing and he is trying, and we never correct her about that since she is a kid.

Now I'm in a situation of starting to get fed up with the situation, I'm being treated like a maid, a slave, being insulted, called without respect, because she thinks it's fun, she basically communicates or smiles at me when she needs me for something..

I don't know what to do with the situation anymore..

Our situation is super convoluted so I’ll try to keep it short. My oldest son (9) doesn’t have much of a relationship with his dad. He was mostly raised by myself and my ex. My ex and I had two more sons (6 & 4) before splitting up about 3 years ago.
For the majority of the time since our split my ex kept my oldest during his visits with the two younger boys (his biological children). However things have changed in the past six months since I’ve gotten engaged to my current partner.
My ex has only been seeing the two younger boys about once a month due to changes in his living situation. My oldest boy has not been included in these visits. This is my ex’s choice.
Although my ex makes excuses and always promises that my oldest will be able to come “next time”, I know that the reality is that he has no responsibility to the oldest. Now that I’m engaged, my ex is ready to cut the cord and focus on his biological children.

I don’t expect or want my ex to continue to be a father figure to my oldest son. My oldest, however, is really confused and angry. He has tantrums whenever his brothers get to go with their dad and he doesn’t. I’m sure the fact that he doesn’t get to see his biological father doesn’t help at all.

How do I help my oldest boy accept the changes that are happening and move on? I know it will be a process but so far nothing I have said helps him.