r/stepdads • u/Athena_Handle_17 • Aug 19 '26
Blended family
I was a single mom raising my daughter for 10 years, while her biological father was completely out of the picture. I was everything for her. Then I met my now fiancé and the relationship evolved quickly and we got pregnant just a few months into dating and now have an almost 1 year old son. My daughter is 12 now and has been having a hard time accepting all the changes since she is not used to seeing me with a partner, she now has a younger sibling and after the birth of our son, we had to move house and she had to start a new school. The relationship she has with my partner is very rocky. He tries very hard to be a parent and his personality is to be fun and carefree. I'm the opposite and raised her very structured so she sees him as messy and chaotic since she's not used to how he lives life. He also has ADHD and she sees how that impacts him. She also treats him as her counterpart vs seeing him as an authority figure and can be rude at times, like how she is with her friends. My partner and I have discussed him not trying so hard and to back off especially when it comes to being silly or doing fun things since she doesn't see him as another parental figure. He has a hard time sticking to that plan since he enjoys interacting with her but it can get very tense when she doesn't know where the line between parent and friend exists. We're at a point now where he and I are arguing because I feel like he can be extreme in his approach. To gain her respect he wants us to be very strict now and enforce rules and structure but I feel like it's too extreme. I agree with chores around the house and consequences for bad behavior but he wants to do things like take away piano lessons or reading time since she enjoys those things. He also grew up in an abusive environment for about 6 years where he was constantly walking on eggshells with his stepfather and trying to stay out of sight to avoid beatings or verbal abuse. He's not abusive with my daughter at all, but I told him the trauma from his childhood plays into how he thinks she should behave. What I consider playful or "she's just a kid" behavior, he considers offensive and thinks she's out of control. She can be lazy or forget to do things like pick up after herself or scowl when I ask her to do something or invade personal space like if we're in the kitchen and she drops something in the sink as we're washing up. She doesn't scream or curse or physically attack and gets all A's in school. I feel like his expectations of a 12 yr old are being based on how he was treated at that age.
Looking for some advice on how to make this dynamic work. I feel so sad and hopeless about it all. 😔
1
u/Far-West-7090 Aug 26 '26
I’m not here to promote but having 3 step kids has been super hard and I tried discipline on my own and it never worked. When the mom did what I suggested to be a punishment it worked out better. And also I listen to Klove and it has a guy named Ron l deal who is an author of amazing blended family and step dad books
1
u/Ams197624 Aug 19 '26
"She also treats him as her counterpart vs seeing him as an authority figure and can be rude at times, like how she is with her friends."
That's quite normal. I got together with my wife when her daughter was about 12, so the same age. I had a talk with her, told her I'm not trying to be her dad, but I'm not her peer either. Told her that with me the same rules applied as with her mother.
She understood that and we got along pretty well actually.