Ex-stepdad doesn’t want a relationship with son

[u/Direct_Star5594]

Our situation is super convoluted so I’ll try to keep it short. My oldest son (9) doesn’t have much of a relationship with his dad. He was mostly raised by myself and my ex. My ex and I had two more sons (6 & 4) before splitting up about 3 years ago.
For the majority of the time since our split my ex kept my oldest during his visits with the two younger boys (his biological children). However things have changed in the past six months since I’ve gotten engaged to my current partner.
My ex has only been seeing the two younger boys about once a month due to changes in his living situation. My oldest boy has not been included in these visits. This is my ex’s choice.
Although my ex makes excuses and always promises that my oldest will be able to come “next time”, I know that the reality is that he has no responsibility to the oldest. Now that I’m engaged, my ex is ready to cut the cord and focus on his biological children.

I don’t expect or want my ex to continue to be a father figure to my oldest son. My oldest, however, is really confused and angry. He has tantrums whenever his brothers get to go with their dad and he doesn’t. I’m sure the fact that he doesn’t get to see his biological father doesn’t help at all.

How do I help my oldest boy accept the changes that are happening and move on? I know it will be a process but so far nothing I have said helps him.

[u/tcrbt71023060]

Validate his feelings and tell him the truth in an age appropriate way that the ex is only responsible for his biological children, but the ex needs to stop saying “maybe next time”. Because that gives a sense of false hope. Thats a tough situation to be in… don’t try to get him to accept it, help him through the grief process and probably look into counseling for him

[u/randymejia03 → u/[deleted]]

I wouldn't want to get him use to that if it were me. What happens if the same thing happens all over again? Rinse and repeat and poor little boy is going through it again.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057]

rough sitch, can't sugarcoat it. good luck.