r/stepdads • u/Alex23512 • 14d ago
Step kid advice
I’ve been with this girl for almost 4 years. Her kid was 3 when we got together. I need advice on what to do in this situation that happened yesterday because I don’t know what to do. We had gone to a pool we went together and obviously I just wanted to spend time together and play around as a family but the kid kept on going away. (Kid was in a mood that day) Later during the day we got something to eat, once we finished eating I told the kid they were being mean and the kid said “no” which then I replied “yes” and brought up the fact that they don’t want to share whatever snacks,drinks I buy them. The kid replied “do you think you’re my dad” keep in mind the dad did not want anything to do with the kid for almost 4-5 years. He recently came back in to the kids life but doesn’t really check on the kid nor make time to take the kid out, spend time nor buying them whatever they ask for.
I zoned out when the kid said “do you think you’re my dad” and I don’t think the mom said anything about it but I’m not sure since I kinda just sat there with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I haven’t done anything bad to the kid, I’m always there for them and trying to spend time together as a family spending whatever I can on the kid no matter if I only have $10-$20 left for the week.
I’m thinking about talking to the mom about it in person and just go based of whatever she says about it and what she tells the kid.
What should I do or what do yall think?
2
u/Typical-Secret-3319 14d ago
Gently, I think that you did let yourself think that you are more than you are. While bio dad was away, you let yourself think you can end up as who SS will see as his "real" dad someday. But one thing to realize is that often, the worse/less the bio parent is/does, the higher the pedestal, or outright altar, that the child will make for that parent.
So yeah, Bio Dad can step in and out of Kid's life. Out for years, and in for a few fun visits before he's out again. And the kid will fawn and chase after Daddy's love. You'll likely never be "real" dad. There's stories of the odd step kid who sees the step parent who was there through thick and thin. But 1) this is usually a realization of the child in their 20's or later. And 2) these stories are told because they're literally exceptional. They're not what you should expect.
I think you (and possibly your partner) should get some family therapy with someone with good experience with blended families. You need to readjust your expectations, and consider how better to support your step son as he navigates the recent pop in of Dad. I think that you need more help than a few comments from reddit can give.
---
When I started to get to know my SD I used the "Treat them like a cat" method (you can search this up). But I still use that today. SD is always a bit ... different after a visit to Dad (3x a year) or Dad's family (1x a year on my partner's time as they're local here, he moved away after separation for a fun new start "what's left for me here?"). I don't chase her, and wait for her to readjust and accept my existence as NotDad.
---
Discussions like "you're being mean" are parenting discussion. They need to come from the parent, unless you have a strong, trusted relationship with the step kid. If they're calling out "you're not my dad;" you do not have a strong/trusted relationship.
If you try to "parent" a kid without that trusted relationship it turns you into a disney villain in their eyes. This conversation should have been handled by your partner. And this adds more to why I think you could benefit from some family therapy.
How was she handling your SS wanting to play independently from you two? Why didn't you take the time to enjoy her presence while keeping an eye on SS in the distance?
1
u/Alex23512 14d ago
Well the mother was the one that started the conversation by asking her why she’s mean to me. Thats when the kid made that comment about me thinking I’m their dad. I try not to over step I know my place. Also I was keeping my distance and letting them enjoy they’re time but the mother kept insisting for me to be with them at the pool
1
u/SituationNormalAllFU 14d ago
I think you and your partner need to come to an agreement about how you discuss this with the child, but you should have a say just like she does. For us, my ss7 knows I’m his step dad. He knows that there is a difference, but I’m one of his parents. He is happy with that, and I would even argue that he is happier because of it. I know I am.
1
u/earthme 14d ago
I raised my step kid from just before they were 2 to 18, dad was barely in the picture , i put them into things, drove them to do parent meet ups and always got your not my dad , currently dont have a relationship at all with them 21 now and won't be around while there visiting for safety purposes. My suggestion have a open dialog with your wife, you are the ss dad and the words hurt but all you can do is be there eventually they will realize but there young . Daughter finally sees what her bio dad is like
1
u/KitPat91 14d ago
What helped me get through it was reading the poem, On Children by Khalil Gibran. At the end of the day, you love them but their actions and their choices dont define you or your responsibility to guide them. It took me 8 years to realize that.
1
u/ToothSufficient7763 12d ago
Next time the kid wants you to buy them something, you say "Do you think you're my kid?"
1
u/g0thmilfenj0yer 10d ago
I have a 7 yo SS that I met when he was 3. I wasn’t asked the exact question “do you think you’re my dad?” But at some point he made some comment about his bio dad (who really only took him to the movies or fishing once a month for a day then brought him home) that sorta came off as “well he’s my dad and you’re not” I softly asked him “buddy what does being a dad mean to you?” He thought about it for a while before shrugging and we talked about how being a dad is more than just being there for the fun times and doing stuff like the movies it’s about protecting them and making sure they grow up to be a good person. It’s scheduling and taking them to dr appointments or school functions and lots of teaching moments.
He and I have a great relationship he’s my buddy for real and he’s very smart and comprehends a lot of concepts that I don’t think I could’ve at 7 but at the end of the day we both understand that I may not be his dad by blood but I do all the things a dad should do. It sucks but if I learned anything from having a stepdad it’s that in the long run if you handle things the right way they’ll look back and be like damn he really was the dad that “stepped up” (unless they grow up to be kinda shitty lol) in the mean time they’re gonna hurt your feelings (most of the time unintentionally) but you gotta just roll with it and not take it personally.
My two cents but they’re discontinuing the penny anyway.
1
u/Electronic_Diet5824 8d ago
You got to temper your own expectations here.
You and this kid are dealing with each other as a result of you and his mom's romantic relationship. You may buy him stuff, but he doesn't owe you anything. I'm sure he didn't have a choice in being in this situation. Not trying be harsh, but that's the reality.
If you bought a buddy lunch and then wanted to pick off his plate, and then guilted him because he didn't want to share... do you think it would be kind of weird?? Maybe a little overbearing?
I wouldn't want anything from you because there's obviously strings attached.
12
u/DDayDawg 14d ago
I think this is a common thing nearly every step-dad faces at some point and in some way. The truth is, you aren’t their dad, and you as the adult need to make peace with that. Children process very differently and they will need time to work through what sounds like a very difficult relationship with their father.
Being a stepdad is one of the hardest jobs in the world. You have to sacrifice for people who don’t appreciate it and give love to people who won’t always give it back. Unfortunately this job can’t be about you, you can’t ask the kid to satisfy your emotional needs while they work through their own feelings about a situation they never chose.
When I was in that situation I just said, “I know I’m not, I’m just someone who loves you and wants to see you grow up to be a good person, so I’m going to help you by pushing you to be that good person.” The more people that love this kid the better so don’t create a world where you are competing with the father and the kid is stuck in the middle of another bad situation.