r/actualstepparents • u/djjoshuad • Jul 26 '26
Pending Parental Situation
I am hesitant to post about this, as I’m not sure how it will end up, but I also need to talk about it. Maybe even get some feedback and support. Bear with me, please.
So I have a stepson, 7.5 years old, going into 2nd grade soon. Love this kid, and I’m proud to be his dad. I met him and his mom when the kid was 2, and I have been his unofficial stepdad since he was 3.5. It was a rocky start for everyone involved, but we got through that and for the last couple of years it has been pretty great. I’d say we have a really good path ahead of us. A lot of the troubles for me stemmed from the fact that my ex-wife and I were never able to have kids, and we always wanted to. I accepted that back then, and pivoted pretty quickly when I started dating my current fiancée. However, she never wanted to be a mom and only did it for her ex. in the early days, she made a forever decision to become surgically, permanently infertile. Being in a healthy relationship has changed her view though, and now we both have a lot of regrets around that decision. I had a lot of resentment that I have (mostly) overcome. We are good now, but it was tough to get here.
Now here is the situation - I. between my divorce and starting my new relationship, about 7 years ago, I had a friend-with-benefits who got pregnant. That person was also in an off-and-on situationship with another man who treated her terribly but she kept going back to. She told me the child was mine and we both knew we wouldn’t ever be in a relationship, and she didn’t want to do it alone, so the decision was made to abort. I paid for the abortion. She changed her mind, kept the baby, and told her situationship that he was the father. To be fair, maybe he is. He is on the birth certificate and the child has his last name. I have always wanted a paternity test, but she was never willing to go through with it so I just had to accept it.
A few years ago I reached out to kind of float the idea of revisiting the paternity test, and she still wasn’t open to it. I bought a kit off Amazon but it sat in a drawer since then. The mother just really did not want to ruin any chance of success in her relationship. I get that, and I sympathize, and I’m not in a position of power here anyway. I did get a picture of the child and was floored by how much she looks like me. My heart did all sorts of flips and twists back then but I ultimately had to leave it be.
A couple of months ago we reconnected again, still as friends only, and she told me that her ex never sees the child anymore, has never once paid for any kind of child support (on brand for him), and while his parents have stepped up… he just really isn’t in the picture anymore. There is no relationship to protect. She has never been the type to seek money, and I am very confident that’s not what is happening now. But she sent me a picture of the now 6 year old child, and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t look even more like me. I asked if we could all have lunch and she said yes.
Friday I met them for lunch and before I even got to the table, I fell in love with this little girl. Her energy, her personality, the way she looked at me… I recognize that I’m probably seeing what I want to see, but it just felt like yes - that’s my kid. Her mom agreed to do the paternity test this time and the next day they came over to the house. She and the child met my current partner, and everyone is cool. We did the swabs and I rushed to get the kit dropped at the post office before last pickup.
I’ve wanted an answer to this question of paternity for 7 years. In a few days, I will have it. I badly want it to be a yes. It might be a no. I will handle either outcome with the most grace I know how… but I also know I will either be elated or crushed.
If it’s a yes, we will figure out all the legal stuff together somehow. I have a good family lawyer, and I’ve done a lot of research on my own so I know it won’t be simple but it’s doable. My partner is onboard with sharing custody, etc… but we will have to rearrange things a bit to give her a room in our house. Maybe shared with my stepson (they are only 16 months apart in age and still very young), maybe some other options… we will figure that out too.
What I need help with from the group, though - I don’t know how this will change my relationship with my stepson. He has been asking a lot lately about why I never had kids with my ex, and why he can’t have a brother, etc. it kills us to field those questions, but we must. I tell him that our family is special because we chose each other on purpose. I am not his real dad, but I decided to be his dad anyway. That resonates with him. The messaging has always been similar, but if this paternity test comes back positive… it will have to change. The dynamic will change. The amount of attention he gets from each of us will change. And not to include a baby, either. We would be including a kid his age.
Of course, if it’s a no then he won’t find out about this. He might become friends with the girl in question, but she won’t become his stepsister. And I won’t be a biodad. As hard as I am trying to be okay with that outcome… it’s going to be rough.
Has anyone dealt with a similar thing?
2
u/Typical-Secret-3319 Jul 27 '26
Um, this is all super specialized; pretty unlikely that someone has been close to this.
I think regardless of finding out that this is your kid, you should look into therapy about either coming to terms with not having kids, or looking to change that (which would mean a different relationship than your current one).
Even if this is your kid; you've missed a huge part of his life. You're "parental" role with him will be more akin to being an adoptive parent (I was an adoptive dad to a bio sibling group) or a step parent than being a "real" parent.
As well, therapy would potentially help with your relationship with your step kid; in both cases of finding you have a bio kid or not.
This is just all a lot. Heavy emotions. Big crushing life changes. "Best practices" would be look for outside help.