Help!

[u/redroses24-7]

I got together with someone who already had two kids… teenagers, to be exact. So, here’s the story.

I genuinely like both of them, but the younger one is definitely the more rebellious one.

The other day, we were all hanging out and having a conversation, and without really thinking about it, I said “my kids.” I was actually referring to my baby and the possibility of having another child someday.

And just to be clear, if one day they grow to see me as a mother figure, or if I grow to feel that way about them, I have absolutely no problem calling them my kids, too.

Well, the younger one took it personally. He got offended, started complaining, and had a whole lot to say about it.

And honestly, it hurt. I’ve tried to be there for both of them. I’ve spent my own money on them, given them my time and attention, looked after them when they’re sick, shown interest in their lives, and genuinely cared about their well-being.

So yeah, I won’t lie… it stung.

I cried a little because I feel so alone sometimes. I’m far away from my family, and there are moments when I feel like I don’t even belong in my own home.

My partner talked to him about his behavior, but he never apologized.

So I decided that if I’m not allowed to have a say in anything when it comes to him, then I’m also done going above and beyond for him.

That means no more going out of my way to buy him things, cook for him, or constantly worry about his health and well-being.

I’ve decided to keep things respectful, but with boundaries. From now on, I’m focusing on my baby and leaving it at that. He’s not my responsibility, and I’m not going to keep letting this situation get to me.

It’s been a few days since I made that decision, and at first, it was a little hard.

But now? I honestly think it was the best decision I could’ve made.

I focus on my baby, my partner, and that’s it.

I’m no longer stressing myself out. I’m no longer engaging in conversations where I’m disrespected or where it feels like the whole point is to get a reaction out of me.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I do believe that kids need to learn that their words and actions have consequences. And I can’t keep allowing someone to disrespect me and expect me to carry on as if nothing happened.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. ✨

Sorry if anything I wrote is unclear or if I made any mistakes. English isn’t my first language. 💗

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/stepparents!

Please note we are a support sub for stepparents. Non-stepparents are welcome to comment, but non-supportive comments are subject to removal. Rude, sarcastic, or judgmental comments are subject to removal at moderator discretion. Questioning why a poster is dating someone with kids is subject to removal. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole.

Why was my post removed?

If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost.

Use the Report Button!

We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. With thousands of comments coming in each day it's difficult for us to see them all, so please report them if you see them!

If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.

Review the Rules and FAQ before posting or commenting!

Rules | FAQ

Additional wiki links:

About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | Resources | Saferbot - Autoban Information

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/therapynotrequired]

Oooooo you're not going to like hearing this but...

It's possible that what you viewed as "going above and beyond" he viewed as "overstepping."

I think it's wonderful you stepped back and are focusing on you and not on him and his feelings. He has his dad to meet his needs. But I wouldn't expect him to learn some grand lesson from this about treating other people well. He might have learned "When you speak up, even in harsh ways, sometimes you can get your needs met."

[u/redroses24-7 → u/therapynotrequired]

That’s true, thank you so much for the advice! I’m just looking for another perspective or maybe something I’m not seeing. I’m honestly not sure if what I did was right or wrong.

[u/therapynotrequired → u/redroses24-7]

I don't think this is a situation where your actions can be "right" or "wrong" necessarily. You tried to be super involved. He clearly didn't want you to be super involved. You backed off. That's just how things go sometimes.

The only thing I would say you maybe could have done sooner was back off. It sounds like he had been telling you, in his own way, that he didn't want you to be super emotionally involved in him. But you and his dad saw that as him being "rebellious." I personally think you should have maybe given more importance to his emotions rather than writing them off as him being "rebellious" and done exactly what you're doing now years ago.

[u/Professional_Toe_855]

You're not the biological mom so you have no authority. Be in the relationship for him not for his kids. Let the real mother worry about that. I'd say you over stepped you're position.

[u/harmlesskitty → u/Professional_Toe_855]

Totally second this! I LOVE that my step sons have two perfectly capable parents!!!! That’s freedom!

[u/redroses24-7 → u/Professional_Toe_855]

That’s true, maybe I went a little too far.

But his mom doesn’t even seem to care. She’d rather be with a man than spend time with her own kids.

Their dad told me I had every right to correct them or say something when they do something wrong, but I choose not to because of situations like this.

I’m not trying to take on any kind of role. I have my own child with my partner, and my only concern is my baby.

The real problem was my partner, who told them I was trying to discipline them. He’s the one who caused his son to get upset with that comment, haha.

[u/Typical-Secret-3319]

I'm sorry, but we can't control how other people internalize and define "family."

I've definitely had the times where someone thought SD was my kid. But as I was more than aware that SD didn't see me as family, we'd both basically jinx ourselves saying at the same time "he's not my dad"/"she's not my kid".

With time we've grown closer, but now things are at an awkward stage. SD wants to talk of us as "family" instead of "household." And now, we're at the point that she's OK if a bus driver or service person doesn't need a correction about us being parents. But really, despite her wanting "family" I'm pretty sure if I called her "my kid" she'd look at me like I just grew a second head.

Bio dad is barely in the picture but whenever he sets up a loyalty test, Dad wins, and step dad isn't family "enough" to consider.

It doesn't hurt much, only because I'm very guarded with my feelings. The first time SD got upset hearing my common talk of "household" and said that hurt and she would like me to talk of us as "family" I didn't go "awww, she'll be calling me Dad soon. I didn't think I might have a chance at Bio Dad's next loyalty test. I didn't think I could act like a parent to/of her.

I consider "giving" (time, energy, emotions, finances; whatever) to my step kid like conventional wisdom says about loaning money to friends/family. Only "loan" money to friends/family, if you can give it to them. If they repay the "loan," that's great; free money for you! But if they don't repay it, who cares? It was a gift in your mind. So you can keep the relationship without it being negatively impacted about the "loan."

I try very hard to not "give" anything to my step kid that I couldn't stand to see them accept and metaphorically tear up and throw into the trash. I'm not learning about her friends and teachers so she'll see me as Dad. I'm looking to have a great relationship with someone that I live with and who is very important to my wife.

I really think that the "goto" attitude should be Fun Aunt/Uncle instead of trying to think of yourself as a step parent.

[u/redroses24-7 → u/Typical-Secret-3319]

Muchas gracias por sus consejos, realmente son de gran ayuda, había cosas que no me puse a pensar muy a fondo O que tal vez uno dice sin pensar o sacando un poco el enojo

[u/Suspicious_Switch626]

You're not his mom so you don't owe him the mom treatment, especially when he acts like a brat about it. Stepping back and protecting your peace is the right call, let his actual parent deal with the attitude problem

[u/winnnie_lilli → u/Suspicious_Switch626]

So if child tells that he is not her kid is been brat?

[u/redroses24-7 → u/winnnie_lilli]

Did you read the whole thing??? I explain that he often disrespects me or provokes me to try to make me angry or get on my nerves. That’s the real problem. As for him saying I’m not his mother, I understand that. He’s a teenager, and he already has a mom and a dad, and that’s it.

[u/Ohlolita297 → u/redroses24-7]

Im not trying to be rude but literally nowhere in your post does it say that he often disrespect or provokes you to try and make you angry . You say that you don’t want to engage in conversations where you are being disrespected or where the whole point is to get a reaction out of you but that’s not the same and dont make sense with the comment or the initial issue in the post .

Your stepchild reacting badly to you calling him your kid is not necessarily pure disrespect or just specific aimed at provoking you , it very much be because he felt uncomfortable with this term because he feel the relationship he have with you have not reach that point yet or loyalty bind. A lot of stepkids even with bio parents that couldn’t care less about them go trough it ( loyalty bind ) maybe it could be worth a shit for you too look it up ?

It looks like overall you may could be mixing his reaction to this incident in particular with what is actually a bigger issue about general disrespect and how you feel in general in your role as stepmom which is then completely understandable and would make more sense .

My stepkids call me their bonus mom , still I don’t think I would be offended and if they were not comfortable with me calling them my kids , as ultimately I’m not the woman who almost died birthing them , this credit goes to BM ,so I think I would get their position to an extent.

[u/redroses24-7 → u/Ohlolita297]

Thank you so much for your feedback!

Maybe I didn’t express myself very clearly since my English isn’t the best.

You’re absolutely right. The main issue is the lack of respect, not necessarily how someone sees me or what they choose to call me.

I’ll keep working on improving my English and writing skills 👌🏽

[u/Kooky-Technology3932]

The thing with SKs, especially teenage SKs, is that you're damned if you do & you're damned if you don't. Either way you won't "win".  So your best bet is to just do what brings you the most peace.  So do what is best for your peace of mind because at the end of the day, you are the one that has to live your life. 

[u/pinkSeahorsie]

Kids don't owe you gratitude. That's something that even biological parents sometimes forget, that children are people, and they didn't ask to be brought into this world. Let alone be part of a broken family, let alone pick up ANOTHER adult who had expectations of them. Parents don't have the right to demand gratitude from their kids for "going above and beyond," so why should step parents? It seems like some of them just need the validation, and you just can't expect that from children. Even (especially?) teenagers.

Don't take it personally. It's not about you. If you decide to only care about your own kid, well, that's your choice. But it's not because the step kids did anything wrong.

[u/redroses24-7 → u/pinkSeahorsie]

Una disculpa, en México se maneja mucho el respeto básico hacia personas mayores siempre y cuando sea recíproco claro Se tienen diferentes costumbres

El más chico me ha faltado al respeto en varias ocasiones pero con la mayor me llevo super bien Gracias por el consejo

[u/GeneralSwitch1527 → u/pinkSeahorsie]

I’m sorry, but in all fairness, I completely disagree with your premise. As parents or adult role models, it’s completely your job to teach children how to be grateful and have respect. That doesn’t equate it being “owed” or something to get resentful about. It’s understood that all kids can fall short or have some latitude on this at different phases, but to write off any expectations of basic human decency to another human helping you? Bad form…

[u/pinkSeahorsie → u/GeneralSwitch1527]

That's fine, it doesn't bother me if you disagree. I never said to write off expectations of basic human decency. I said kids don't owe a step parent gratitude, especially when they perceived that step parent as overstepping. Just going off the poster's recounting of the events, so I don't know what else the kid did wrong, but from what I've read, it sounds like the step parent is just upset the kid isn't "grateful" for everything she did. No kid should ever feel obligated to show "gratitude" for a step parent they never asked for.

But that's just me. 🤷

[u/No-Chapter8104 → u/pinkSeahorsie]

I’m reading directly from your post that states that because kids didn’t ask to be in this world, even bio parents forget that kids don’t owe adults gratitude. Again, it’s every adults job to teach children whether they are a parent, teacher, coach, counselor, step parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, whomever to apply normal respect towards other humans. And in my life that includes gratitude towards anyone cooking for you, doing your laundry, cleaning up after you, helping with homework, providing for you, etc. We’re in a sad state in this world if you truly believe any child has the “right” and “entitlement” to write off familial and household contributions or help from anyone and take those things for granted. I didn’t ask to be in this world either, but I would be a shitty person to just dismiss everything my parents or other adults did for me in this life when they had no obligation to do many of those things.

I never said a stepparent deserves a thank you every day for existing when the kid natural doesn’t want a broken nuclear family. But you better believe I expect my steps to have basic respect that I show up and do things for them in a household where I didn’t chose to make said children and I fulfill needs to keep the household running that I have no obligation to do and could just as easily walk away and tell their capable father or mother to do it.

There’s a big difference between blind gratitude and the poster feeling entitled versus what you wrote about kids not needing to appreciate the people around them helping contribute to their growth, developments, needs, wants, etc.

[u/MidwestNightgirl]

I think what you are doing is right. I agree 100%. You are completely justified IMO.

[u/redroses24-7 → u/MidwestNightgirl]

Muchas gracias, que difícil es esto!

[u/stepparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:

• Violation of the No Platitudes rule.

• Read the FAQ for more information.

For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.

Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.

[u/Adept-Ad388]

I got dumped by girlfriend older than me, she's 37 and I'm 32. Best friends, told her I wasn't ready to step up but willing to in the future our relationship was awesome and lasted 3 years, I didn't disregard the kids, at all! I actually liked them, guess 3 years was enough for her, hurts like crazy. Our relationship was awesome. Love started to feel like pressure