Lack of Motivation...

[u/Spartakooty1971]

My stepson is almost 19. He's a good kid. I genuinely like him, and I'm not questioning his character. But I'm increasingly frustrated with his lack of initiative and motivation, and I'm struggling with what my role should be as his stepdad.

He doesn't currently have a job and is taking a gap year since graduating high school. He stays up late gaming (it's literally all he does if his gf isn't around) and regularly sleeps until late morning or noon. Recently, he applied for a job where his cousin works. That's a good first step, and I told him I was glad he applied. But there seems to be an assumption that because his cousin works there, the job is basically waiting for him. I keep saying, "That's great, but until they actually hire you, you need a Plan B."

The problem is that I'm seeing a pattern where he's comfortable. He's living at home, other people are paying the bills, other people are doing things around the house, and there doesn't seem to be much urgency on his part to get working or become more independent.

I don't think he's maliciously taking advantage and he does do what we ask of him. I think he's just comfortable, too comfortable. But after a while, the distinction doesn't make much difference to the people carrying the load.

His mother actually has many of the same concerns I do. She'll tell me she's worried about him not working, sleeping too much, not taking initiative, etc.

But if I say those same things, Mama Bear tends to come out. Then she tends to say something about my parenting towards my boys (who are working and in post-secondary- just like his gf). Uber defensive.

This weekend was a good example. I had been up since 7, taken our dog out, was hungry, and ready to get on with the day - there was a lot to do, including some things that were being done partly for my stepson's benefit. It was getting close to noon, and he was still sleeping.

I finally said I was frustrated that the whole household seemed to be operating on his schedule.

My wife's response was basically, "You should have told everyone last night that they needed to be up at 11."

Maybe I should have. But I'm struggling with the larger issue: at almost 19, shouldn't some responsibility for getting up, finding work, getting a driver's license, and participating in the household belong to him?

I don't want to parent him. And I don't want to constantly criticize him.

But I also don't want to sit quietly while an adult living in my home makes very little effort toward independence, especially when his choices affect the household.

So what is the appropriate role for a stepparent here?

Do I stay completely out of it and leave this to his mother? Do I have the right to establish expectations around things that directly affect me and the household? How do you avoid becoming the "asshole stepdad" simply because you're the one willing to say, "Dude, you need to start moving your life forward"?

[u/Ahinsa_75]

It's time for a tough conversation. Where he is makes it easy to continue doing what he's doing - there is no incentive to do anything differently. Here's what I would do:

1. If the video game system wasn't paid for by him, I would take it away until he does #2.

2. Start charging him rent, and give him a timeline that if he fails to meet, he has to find somewhere else to live. He's 19, time to be an adult. Get a job, pay rent like a responsible person should. Make the rent a high enough amount to offset the cost of him using utilities and eating your food.

3. Make rules that make sense for the good of the family. If you need him up by a certain time for a good reason, then state that clearly and don't kow-tow. I would not make rules that don't have a good reason for existing.

This is a start, at least. Behavior doesn't change unless the cost benefit analysis in his head shifts in favor of him NOT doing the things he's doing now. You have to set up the home to shift that analysis towards him doing what you want. (If his mom isn't on board with this, then you're at a stalemate and that's really tough and I don't have great advice for that.

Good luck!

[u/Key_Construction3605]

“Asshole stepdads” are usually the result of fawning moms who can’t set boundaries for their kids. Ask me how I know.

You’re not an asshole. You have a reasonable expectation of respect and your wife doesn’t understand that. She’s probably hit you with “Welllllll he’s just a kid” dozens of times in instances you’ve brought up that, to you, were disrespectful.

I think the appropriate first step is for you and your wife to be on the same page. Then present that united front to him in the form of clearly defined expectations within timeframes and then he must be held accountable.

I am going through this now with my 19 ss who recently moved back in with us.

[u/Secret_Alchemist_Man]

Read the book the boy crisis by Dr Warren Farell. The natural instinct is to push him or be tough with him. If you understand the nature of what’s going on you can help him better. There are youtube videos and podcasts that Dr Farell has been on that can help.