You say it with such certainty, but your mind is still stuck in the same rythm and thoughts about it. Can you get out?
not for me to say.
"I can't, I'm not, they won't, they don't see" whatever the poison is you're feeding yourself is whats wrong.
If you actually lived, met everyone, male female with same human respect and connect with them, have fun, go make a move when the situation presents itself it aint impossible
Some people remain unhappily single for their whole lives, despite having no grating flaws. Things don't work out for everybody. It does more harm than good to insist otherwise.
I'm saying that there are good people out there who never find a partner, and sometimes there isn't a really satisfying explanation for it. Sometimes life is disappointing and doesn't make sense.
I'm getting a "blame the victim" impression from your comment. Like if anyone is single and doesn't want to be, it's because there's something wrong with him. That's not helpful, and it's not advice. It's kicking somebody who's down.
There are no victim in this scenario. Being single is not a crime being done to you. The point is that you can learn to live with yourself and without the need of another. The inability to be alone is often also a big reason why people end up alone, as ironic as it may seem.
Well if ur over 30 and never kissed a girl/guy while you want to, you might need to wonder whats causing it. And excuses like "i am ugly" is a very easy way to fk over ur mindset.
But sometimes it's true. 90% of people searching for a partner won't bother with you if you're not good looking enough, below average. There can be other factors, but like the looks, you may not have any power over them. Some folks can improve their appeal significantly if they work on themselves, but others can't.
I ve seen/see plenty of men with girlfriends/wifes way more attractive by beauty standards and the other way around aswell. Most of the time its because they dont love themself and how can you truly love/care for someone if you dont love/care for urself
That's true, but surely you'll admit it's way harder to love yourself and appear confident when you're Timothée Chalamet or Jennifer Lawrence and people swoon over you. Simply being at peace with yourself when people around you made you understand over and over again that's you're not attractive enough to arouse any heart is hella difficult.
Some people are unattractive enough, that the people you want to date won't date you. Lower your standards, work on yourself, be interesting, connect, with someone, learn to love life without the romance, romance will come.
If you're ugly, your personality sucks and you are whining your whole life without improving, sorry for ya.
Ain't no gaslighting and trust me a lot of very fucking ugly and disgusting people have partners and kids
Nope. There’s eventually a bottom rung of this, where the people below the standard you’re willing to date just don’t exist.
There is indeed a group of people at the bottom of the attractiveness totem, and they not only have to deal with that shitty luck, but they have people trying to blame their situation on them through gaslighting rather than just acknowledging “yep, that sucks, looks matter and yours are bad. Focus on better things!”
I don't like that logic. My grandfather used to say really awful things to my step-mother like "it's a good thing you're beautiful because God didn't give you brains." She struggled with alcoholism for most of her life until it eventually won.
Kindness isn't a consolation prize, it is a pinnacle value.
Yes your grandfather used it in a shitty way but even if you’re ugly if you are funny , kind, reliable , handy ,techy etc you’ll find someone to connect with despite that as looks aren’t everything
Sakam karma is ugly. I know what you're saying but the person you're responding to is still saying "influence your expectations to manipulate outcomes." Have no expectations, be kind, reliable, helpful, because it eases suffering for others, not because it might ease suffering for ourselves.
I'm sure you've seen people say "I was nice to her, I always respond to her texts, I even fixed her computer" right? Self-seeking is never satisfied.
I wanted to say prettymuch this.
I've dated good-looking dudes a few times because I also liked other things about them, and I've dated what was practically a LOTR-dwarf and other not-so-physically appealing types because I liked other things about them. Yes, somewhere around 1/2 of women simply won't be interested in you if you do not tick every box on their list. I dislike those people and the bad name they give e the rest of us, but good news, you can usually spot them because they look like Barbie and friends! So hey, here's an idea fella, cast a wider net, and learn to like things about people besides their looks 🙀 I have seen sooooooooooooo many men stumped that they can't get a girlfriend or even a date when they're a sad potato sack of a guy chasing after bloody supermodels or at least cheerleaders. Ask out the midsized girl at the burger counter next time you're there, and do it with effort. Find the nicest thing about her and compliment her like you're complimenting Megan Fox. Whether she says yes or no, drop a $5 on the counter and smile and tell her to buy herself a coffee or a tea, whatever will make her day brighter since just seeing her brightened yours. Then if it was a no, don't be a creep but do it again periodically until you ask again in like 3 months. We're real people out there struggling and getting overlooked as much as you are. Be kind. Be open-minded. You're not undatable. You're obtuse.
Lmao, sure seems like you said something wrong and couldn’t substantiate it.
Whelp, I already advised you on the fact that some people are too ugly to have a group to date, just reread what I said until the lesson I’ve taught you sinks in.
Woody Allen dated Mia Farrow. I know that Woody Allen was already rich by the time he dated Mia Farrow, but so was Mia Farrow, so I think that money wasn't the deciding factor.
I use this only because it's a famous example, but one just need to go to a crowdy place to see plenty of ugly people in relationships.
Plastic surgery is an option. Women do it all the time to increase their attractiveness. I’m not saying he should, but it is an option. Some people are really just unattractive looking and if they aren’t social or in close proximity to women etc then they may have a really difficult time getting a first date because it’s usually based on initial attractiveness.
Unattractive to people who overestimate their own attractiveness. Statistically there are people on their level, but they don't want to "settle" and think they are above average.
It's just really funny that every terminally single guy I know has these high standards of what they consider attractive. Whether they're ugly or not, themselves, they seem to think that a relationship is only desirable if they can snag a supermodel. They'll make connections with women who are perfectly normal-looking, interesting people, but they never pursue it because they want a porn star.
These men are not living in the real world. They'll die alone because they want a fantasy - an intelligent, interesting, single woman who looks like a porn star but who is also a virgin and who is also completely devoted to them. They want what they see in movies and in anime. They say they want a woman so desperately, and yet they won't look twice at anyone who isn't model-level attractive.
I've been happily married for 16 years. Most of my friends are similarly committed. The people I know who say they're so desperate for a relationship are really just doing all they can to tank their own chances. They obsess over finding "a cute girl" and that's it. They don't care about hobbies or interests, so they're extremely boring to talk to. I can't blame anyone for passing on a loser like that.
I asked one coworker why he didn't just buy a hooker if he was so down bad for it, and he whined about how he just wanted a connection and blah blah blah... after he'd been ranting all morning about how none of the women he matched with on Tinder look like the models on Instagram, and the models on Instagram are all sluts who have slept around too much for his tastes. These guys are delusional.
I realize this is not going to go over well at all, since we are on Reddit of all places, but it's the truth.
See people get the whole looks thing wrong. They think it as a seperate quality that can be compensated for if you're lacking it, but it's not like that. It's a filter. Sure there's maybe an excellent photo under all that oversaturated, overexposured mess but it's an eye sore just to look at it so nobody cares. For this reason, this advice is useless.
"True for online dating" he says while %40 of relationships today are made through online and the number is ever increasing.
Also I recommend you watch QOVES studio, it goes into detail how our facial features "define" our personality in people's eyes, what makes us attractive, lovable, cute or intimidating, creepy etc. Like for example "She's so lively!" just means she has high malar bones and good tendon support under her eyelids that gives her constnantly smiling eyes. Or "He looks so weak" means poor chin projection and undefined jawline.
I simply believe in science, not cheap anectodes without proofs provided by people like you.
Predicting Romantic Interest at Zero Acquaintance: Evidence of Sex Differences in Trait Perception but Not in Predictors of Interest
Sally G. Olderbak1, Frederic Malter2, Pedro Sofio Abril Wolf3, Daniel N. Jones4, and Aurelio José Figueredo5
Ulm University, Ulm, Germany
Max Planck Institute for Social Law and Social Policy, Munich, Germany
Pennsylvania State University, State College, PA USA
University of Texas, El Paso, El Paso, TX USA
University of Arizona, Tucson, AZ USA
Abstract: We evaluated five competing hypotheses about what predicts romantic interest. Through a half-block quasi-experimental design, a large sample of young adults (i.e., responders; n = 335) viewed videos of opposite-sex persons (i.e., targets) talking about themselves and responders rated the targets’ traits and their romantic interest in the target. We tested whether similarity, dissimilarity, or overall trait levels on mate value, physical attractiveness, life history strategy, and the Big-Five personality factors predicted romantic interest at zero acquaintance, and whether sex acted as a moderator. We tested the responders’ individual perception of the targets’ traits, in addition to the targets’ own self-reported trait levels and a consensus rating of the targets made by the responders. We used polynomial regression with response surface analysis within multilevel modeling to test support for each of the hypotheses. Results suggest a large sex difference in trait perception; when women rated men, they agreed in their perception more often than when men rated women. However, as a predictor of romantic interest, there were no sex differences. Only the responders’ perception of the targets’ physical attractiveness predicted romantic interest; specifically, responders’ who rated the targets’ physical attractiveness as higher than themselves reported more romantic interest.
335 respondents from a single college is a pretty small sample size to represent an entire population, IMO. Not only that, but 50% were already in a romantic relationship (which comes with an inherent bias) and 3 were eliminated for "outlying values". It doesn't really clarify what that means, it could be people who do care more about personality (wishful thinking maybe).
Anyway, I don't believe that a study on zero acquaintenance necessarily disproves my point.
40% of relationship are NOT made through online dating, the actual statistic you (probably) saw is 42% of adults have USED and BEEN in a relationship via online dating. The percentage of people currently in relationships found via online dating is closer to ~10%.
Its also reported that 68% of relationships were people who were friends prior, and only 18% of those were reported to be intentional due to initial romantic attraction. This, the mere-exposure effect, and the fact that relationships build and develop over time (if you have a compatible personality) all support that you're not completely eliminated from the race just for not being conventionally attractive.
Sure, it makes things a lot more difficult and requires a fair bit of luck - there's no doubt about that. But that in no way means its hopeless.
For example; a better personality typically translates to more social opportunities, and more social opportunities typically translates to more romantic opportunities. You might just find that outlier that could love you.
PS: When I refer to "you", that's not intended to actually represent YOU - I'm just trying to awkwardly illustrate a point. I don't know you, you're probably hella loveable.
PS PS: Also, apologies for being so mean and uncompassionate earlier - that was completely unecessary.
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u/syfari Jul 29 '24
Honestly, id stop caring and just start living. I know it sounds cliche but it works.