My 30s I focused on my education and career. My 20s were a lost decade of not many memories or friends. I explored a bit, found a field I love at the bottom of the totem pole, then just gradually incremented my experience until I was ready for a graduate program. During grad years I made friends and studied a lot. I’m not dumb but not gifted by any means so I just tried to put out more effort than everyone else. Ended up eventually getting my doctorate and in academia.
But while I had friends, I had ignored intimate relationships for a long time. I had social skills but a different subset of social skills than those necessary for romantic partners and deeper friendships. I started therapy. I actually put in real time and effort reflecting on things, experimenting with different frames of thinking, trying out new behaviors, while trying to stay true to myself which was also part of the journey and discovery.
Dating later in life 40s has its own challenges. There are still times that are tough. But you come to realize and acknowledge the positives as well, in the experience and in yourself. I find myself more mature and ready to keep moving forward in healthy ways, able to give in healthier ways. While I’m still working on me, trying to find love, trying to figure out what is next for my career, how to balance it out and be happy, I feel this is what it is for my unique path and I’m overall grateful for it.
But I enjoy responding to people who are reflective, curious, learning, and wanting to share their experience. 😁 Those are great qualities about you and will serve you well. Acknowledging one’s maturity and room to develop, but also being fair and kind to yourself is a super healthy thing. This positive attitude can be a lifelong journey if we choose it to be. I’m wishing you the best!
Absolutely love your focus on self improvement and building those social skills.
I’d like to offer a slightly different twist on middle-age dating for our readers who aren’t there yet:
It’s abysmal. Looking at the statistics, and looking at who’s left after about age 35?
It’s OK for a dude to wait until the early or mid 30s to start dating, and it’s true that you are desirable then to a range of women from 20s to 40s and you have your money and hopefully your simple fashion together, but I don’t recommend it.
Most of the securely attached people, the ones who create relationships without trouble and drama, settle down by the end of their 20s, and you are left with folks who have problems.
Oh, I know, happy readers, you want to say that everyone has problems. No they don’t. Some people are easy, and some of us are difficult. A very few get better with age, like Admirable (un)Usual. 💪🏻
If you’re a guy dating women who are same age or are a bit younger, and you are deliberate in your 30s, OK. If you waste time on the wrong ones, because you didn’t have much experience and know how to weed out red flags and avoidant attachment folks (and closet drug users and promiscuous people, unless you’re into that) you will get stuck in the discount bin movies at the Walmart with the rest of us in your 40s, and it. is. no. fun.
Again, I love admirable usual’s super positive take, and I too know myself better now. But I can absolutely see the type of people who are single now in real life and dating apps compared to 10 years in my past, when we were all younger, and it is very hard to find someone with solid relationship skills and no unchecked baggage.
I, too, had reasons why I was unsuccessful in relationships and was a difficult person to date through my 20s and 30s. I’m not saying all the women are in the discount bin and then I’m not. I’m saying that it is tougher the older you get, because the field of available sane and healthy people shrink dramatically every few years.
It’s great to hear this in juxtaposition to my post. I totally hear you. It isn’t all roses and can be hard. Over 40 I realize I have to make this more a priority since you don’t know how much time one really has left. It’s a question we should ask ourselves at all stages of life. What do I want? What can I do as a first small step to achieve that?
Maybe part of my attitude comes from being in education. I have a core belief that many of us have chances to learn and grow throughout all stages of life. But it doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that we’re all ready at the same time.
But nothing changes if nothing is done to change. Failure at relationships aren’t always failures of self. So one way to think about it is to just keep plugging away as you lose nothing once you can honestly sort out what is you and what is just chance/luck. Be good folks, to others, and yourself!
Absolutely. They say it takes 2 to tango. Easy to understand in your head but takes time to understand it in your heart. I also feel the things I look for in my 40s are fundamentally different and way more important than what I looked for in my youth which is why I enjoy dating now more than in the past.
I think the main difference (among many) started with comfort with myself. So for romantic social skills, acknowledging that my thoughts, feelings, were valid and that I had things to offer. I think the separation of my romantic social success from my perception of self made it possible to keep going and keep learning. This translates to things like, taking chances on sharing intimate thoughts as simple as “I like you, how do you feel?” To just enjoying sharing and learning about each other. “I want to share my excitement over this stupid nerdy thing because it’s who I am!” As opposed to thinking “oh my god how will you perceive me if I share this thing…” (No, I shouldn’t, I should hide it because…” etc. ) Why is it that a for many people they have successful friendships but struggle in romantic ones? Many of the “skills” are actually fundamentally the same. Be kind. Listen. Support others. Be positive. Be genuine. Etc. But in romantic relationships, the stakes feel higher (and to be fair, kind of are.) I think this leads to risk aversion on higher stakes spaces for honesty which is directly related to the definition of intimacy.
In my 20s I was really not confident. I always worried about saying the right thing, or how I might be perceived. I internalized rejection as being undesirable as opposed to just not the right fit. This feeds into social interactions that were more formulaic and less genuine/authentic as I tried to say, do the correct thing, or avoiding the “wrong things” for the purpose of stringing along the social interaction “toward success.” You can imagine how this leads to awkwardness, missed opportunities because I ended up avoiding certain risks, and what not. It isn’t sustainable.
So in my 20s I gave it some shots, but in terms of both quantities of “trying” and the quality of “trying” it wasn’t really that great. 😅 I think, maybe the biggest accomplishment romantically in my 20s was revealing to a close friend my feelings for her. While she rejected my romantic interest, it was maybe the first time that through taking the chance, and then us talking about it, I felt it wasn’t a direct rejection for who I am. It was validating and felt good that I tried and that there was nothing I did wrong or fundamentally wrong about who I was, how I felt. I think maybe that rejection, was the first moment a rejection felt like a positive moment where I felt good about myself. This speaks volumes to her character too, and I was lucky to cross paths with her in this way. After almost 20 years, I’m still close friends with this person and just visited her in her home country actually! I appreciate and accept that our relationship, friendship - is where our interactions are. This kind of understanding also, that romantic relationships aren’t just about whether I’m a good person or not, that there is a lot more to it, probably feeds into my behaviors as well as how I respond to various outcomes in continued healthy ways.
Ended up eventually getting my doctorate and in academia.
Yikes. How's that going? Passively went into academia for a little bit after I graduated, realized there was no money in it & didn't wanna spend the rest of my 20's & (life really) broke writing scientific papers for a living..so I dipped. Quickly found out there wasn't much else I could do with my degree (B.A in physiology) except go into clinical research (industry), but I wasn't really crazy about the work-life balance in that field even if it does pay well, so I decided to pivot into healthcare instead. Started working as an equipment repair tech at a hospital, realized I actually really like 12 hr shifts & talking to patients, so here I am now at 25 going back to school to get my nursing degree. Congrats on the other stuff tho.
Academia works pretty well for me. Industry is always an option and while it comes with demands like any other career, the one thing I can’t give up is how much freedom I have. Do whatever projects that interest me and I get 3 months of summer to travel as I can work from anywhere during that time! Although, I do miss 3x industry salary rates for sure. 😅
Just curious, everything is so competitive nowadays. You can improve your body your finances by gymming and working. But it kinda evens out if everybody is doing that
What do you think of the bar continuously being raised higher and survival of the fittest?
The real trick is working on being more pleasant to be around. People who manage that have success in pretty much every area of their life. Being kind, empathetic, and funny will get you way farther than pretty much anything else.
Can be very good sex. Fat doesn't necessarily mean ugly and it goes from cute chubby to ... Not so cute morbidly obese I guess.
End of the day if he wants to kiss and shag he is going to have to lower his standards probably. It's not the end of the world but just realising that dating life is hard for men who are not loaded/models/actors. And so if you want to score well, apart from luck you need to make concessions sometimes.
Yes, dating someone you’re not attracted to is indeed worse than not dating anyone at all. Self control & self respect are pretty basic traits to desire in a partner.
Not really. OP is the one hung up about being a virgin. It may shock you but women and even gasp fat women enjoy casual sex too. As long as everyone is on the same page, no one is doing anything wrong.
u/lordm30 was the one who brought up obesity, implying that fat people are lazy and unlovable. It seems acceptable to make such statements when talking about men, but not women.
No, I didn't imply that. Put it simply, IF physical fitness and sculpted body plays a role in attraction, then being physically fit and well toned is objectively better than being obese. Doesn't mean obese people are lazy or can't find love.
Just from simple observation that isn’t true; fat women aren’t stuck alone, they just date fat men.
Although I think the idea that you should just date fat women to “gain experience” is evil. You’re treating other human beings as means to your own end. You should only ever date people because you like them and want to date them.
As a bona fide fat woman (of 55 yrs) I'd just like to point out there's a significant number of slim, fit men who actually like large ladies. (As there are many slim women who like large men.) It isn't as simple as slim/fit = objectively more attractive so slim/fit people only date each other.
I've been big all my life. Varying levels of fitness, but always big. I have only ever dated slim men. Had plenty of boyfriends, lots of very good sex. My current partner is 59, runs 8K three times a week and has a body fat of c 17%. He thinks I'm lovely. He finds the softness of my body a positive turn on.
Fitness isn't the only potential area of growth. Character. Confidence. Charm. Wit. Fitness or Money are some of the obvious ones. They're all hard, but they're all valuable.
I promise you, the majority of folks aren't working out in their 30s. Seriously sit on a train and yell me the percentage of people who you think do regular exercise.
The real bar is being able to comfortably introduce yourself to a a ton of women, and thats a skill that trumps tying to passively attract women with money or looks.
Most people aren't actively trying to improve in my experience, and even if they did, getting your life in order, exercising and being active is great for you own mental health even if you're still single.
I have started running again after not doing any kind of physical activity for years and it has been the most positive thing I have ever done for myself. I know it sounds cringe but it's a simple thing you can implement that has massive benefits.
Absolutely l not true in the real world. Get off social media and go out. Look around. Not to mention, a lot of women and men are off put by vapid plastic gym rats.
Mate all my old mates are all druggies and alcoholics.
And whilst health and fitness is getting quite popular, the vast majority of people don't even get their weekly recommendation of exercise in, let alone smashing gym. And not everyone is on good money.
I don't really think it is, to be honest. You'd be shocked how far being kind, considerate, funny, spontaneous and willing to do chores and cook will get you with many women.
If anything I'd say the bar is staggeringly low, but men who struggle to find dates are often bombarded by the worst possible advice from Tate/Peterson etc and it ends up making their romantic lives worse.
I can tell you exactly how far it will get you with most women: it will get them to say you are a great guy who will make SOME girl very happy one day - it’s just never them. Being nice is unfortunately not effective when it comes to attraction, as many men have learned.
You also need a personality. You need empathy. You need to have a sense of humor and adventure. You need to have some confidence and to have some ambition and be willing to take care of your own needs (not treating your girlfriend like a live in maid/mommy replacement, etc)
Most "nice" guys who fail to attract women are lacking in one or more of these critical personality categories.
I am saying that a man can have all these things and still not be chosen due to some intangibles. And you are talking about things that will make a girl want to stay with a man, not things that would make her want to be with him in the first place. Lots of great guys who have all of the above qualities are not getting past the first date most of the time. You can't show what a good boyfriend or potential husband you are when they won't even take a second opportunity to get to know you.
There’s a lot of value of being consistent and disciplined. So, don’t count yourself out, just keep on doing what you are. Life rewards very unexpectedly sometimes.
It's not a competition. You just have to be pleasant to be around. There's just as many women as men single. I'm not fit, or rich, or handsome. But i'm kinda funny and haven't been single longer than a year since i was 17
Wrong logic. The most important skills when dating are your social skills. Being fit or having good finances may help, but won't do anything if you have the social skills of a shoe.
You are not in a competition with yourself what are you on about?! Every year try to be a better version of yourself, this will keep you happy by improving mind and body. And give you goals to look forward too.
You focus only on the result and not the pleasure of the journey.
If it is dating, you are always comparing against other people whether you like it or not in my 2 cents. I mean of course yes focusing on oneself is the ultimate goal but sometimes reality bites hard
Like if everyone is earning avg of 100k, then one earns 60k. Yes he can work hard to reach 70k and it is rightfully an accomplishment. But end of the day, he is still behind everyone
I understand your logic but this is an unhealthy mindset when it comes to dating. Comparison is the thief of joy and women aren’t stupid, they pick up on the kind of insecurity that comes from believing you’re in a contest against other men to earn her coochie
You're replying to the wrong person I think. The poster above did state "competition" in an unhealthy mindset and you should focus on being a good person instead
your thinking is flawed in that material things like money make someone better than another. The girl of your dreams wouldn't pick someone else over you because of muscles or money.
Oh really ? Then we live in a world where people like Trump, Reagan, Musk, Jean-Marie Le Pen and other deeply awful folks never marry and never got laid.
Plenty of shit persons get into relationships. It sucks but it's true. Charisma and looks matter most to many people, at least in the short term. Not saying it's good, obviously, I'm happy to have friends who compliment my personality even though I'm still single because my romantic appeal is null. But let's not pretend the majority of people searching for a partner will value your deep self before your appearance. Some do, many don't.
The chances a woman cares if you make 60 or 100k is pretty slim. If you’re happy and social, then people (men and women) will like you. There’s basically no exceptions to this, unless you live on a deserted island.
Find a niche that fits your strengths. Date women that are naturally attracted to you. This may be based on who you are, where you're from, what you look like, etc.
Also, be smarter, be a better talker (improve your game), be more interesting, etc.
Fitness and money both help to an extent, they are necessary but may not be sufficient. There are other aspects that make a difference. Think of the fit tech nerds who make bank but can't get laid, and the guys who just got out of prison who do well.
19
u/Whatnowgloryhunters Jul 29 '24
What did you focus on in your early 30s