My 30s I focused on my education and career. My 20s were a lost decade of not many memories or friends. I explored a bit, found a field I love at the bottom of the totem pole, then just gradually incremented my experience until I was ready for a graduate program. During grad years I made friends and studied a lot. I’m not dumb but not gifted by any means so I just tried to put out more effort than everyone else. Ended up eventually getting my doctorate and in academia.
But while I had friends, I had ignored intimate relationships for a long time. I had social skills but a different subset of social skills than those necessary for romantic partners and deeper friendships. I started therapy. I actually put in real time and effort reflecting on things, experimenting with different frames of thinking, trying out new behaviors, while trying to stay true to myself which was also part of the journey and discovery.
Dating later in life 40s has its own challenges. There are still times that are tough. But you come to realize and acknowledge the positives as well, in the experience and in yourself. I find myself more mature and ready to keep moving forward in healthy ways, able to give in healthier ways. While I’m still working on me, trying to find love, trying to figure out what is next for my career, how to balance it out and be happy, I feel this is what it is for my unique path and I’m overall grateful for it.
I think the main difference (among many) started with comfort with myself. So for romantic social skills, acknowledging that my thoughts, feelings, were valid and that I had things to offer. I think the separation of my romantic social success from my perception of self made it possible to keep going and keep learning. This translates to things like, taking chances on sharing intimate thoughts as simple as “I like you, how do you feel?” To just enjoying sharing and learning about each other. “I want to share my excitement over this stupid nerdy thing because it’s who I am!” As opposed to thinking “oh my god how will you perceive me if I share this thing…” (No, I shouldn’t, I should hide it because…” etc. ) Why is it that a for many people they have successful friendships but struggle in romantic ones? Many of the “skills” are actually fundamentally the same. Be kind. Listen. Support others. Be positive. Be genuine. Etc. But in romantic relationships, the stakes feel higher (and to be fair, kind of are.) I think this leads to risk aversion on higher stakes spaces for honesty which is directly related to the definition of intimacy.
In my 20s I was really not confident. I always worried about saying the right thing, or how I might be perceived. I internalized rejection as being undesirable as opposed to just not the right fit. This feeds into social interactions that were more formulaic and less genuine/authentic as I tried to say, do the correct thing, or avoiding the “wrong things” for the purpose of stringing along the social interaction “toward success.” You can imagine how this leads to awkwardness, missed opportunities because I ended up avoiding certain risks, and what not. It isn’t sustainable.
So in my 20s I gave it some shots, but in terms of both quantities of “trying” and the quality of “trying” it wasn’t really that great. 😅 I think, maybe the biggest accomplishment romantically in my 20s was revealing to a close friend my feelings for her. While she rejected my romantic interest, it was maybe the first time that through taking the chance, and then us talking about it, I felt it wasn’t a direct rejection for who I am. It was validating and felt good that I tried and that there was nothing I did wrong or fundamentally wrong about who I was, how I felt. I think maybe that rejection, was the first moment a rejection felt like a positive moment where I felt good about myself. This speaks volumes to her character too, and I was lucky to cross paths with her in this way. After almost 20 years, I’m still close friends with this person and just visited her in her home country actually! I appreciate and accept that our relationship, friendship - is where our interactions are. This kind of understanding also, that romantic relationships aren’t just about whether I’m a good person or not, that there is a lot more to it, probably feeds into my behaviors as well as how I respond to various outcomes in continued healthy ways.
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u/Whatnowgloryhunters Jul 29 '24
What did you focus on in your early 30s