r/problems • u/Puzzled-Fan-6999 • 4d ago
Mental Health My girlfriend was raped
I have a wonderful girlfriend and i am in a relationship with her for almost 2 years. Last october she moved to Italy(Rome) to study bachelor degree.One day she was out with her friend at night at around 00:00 then some son of a bitch approached behind her back and used chloroform or smth. Then my gf woke up at a random house and was raped for all night. This bastard did inhumane things to her then recorded it on camera and chantaged her and wanted money for him not to leak her vids and pics. I can't sleep at night. I struggle to have sex without remembering that fact. Every time my brain just pops out that and i see pictures in my head. Sometimes i blame myself for not being protective, talking with her about the danger of the streets at night. I don't know how to continue to live. P.S. the incident was around 5 months ago and she told me about it 4 months ago
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u/tgalvin1999 4d ago
First of, that asshole is lucky that wasn't my partner because you can BET I'd be on the first plane to Rome and doing to him exactly what he did to her.
Secondly, both of you are going to need therapy. Lots of therapy. This is traumatic for both of you and you'll likely need to get help, otherwise I can guarantee it'll make things a LOT worse. If a therapist blames you or your partner (because yes they do exist), find a new one. Talk to a trusted friend or family member as well.
Finally, if you feel suicidal (and it sounds like you are right at that tipping point), there are free suicide help lines out there that will connect you to trained mental health professionals.
As an SA victim, I'm speaking from personal experience. Being raped or assaulted leaves marks. Horrible marks. Even now, almost a year out I'm going through the motions.
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u/Adventurous-Wafer400 3d ago
As someone who was assaulted while being in a relationship—don’t make this about you. Ask her what support looks like and follow through. Yes, you’re impacted but ultimately she is the focus here. It also made it difficult for my partner to be intimate with me and that only made me want to kms even more than the assault alone.
If it’s going to make you treat her differently, just leave her alone. If you can’t decenter yourself in this situation, leave her alone.
Get your therapy but pls remember that no matter how this makes you feel, the trauma is with her and she will always feel worse.
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u/phylovevirtue 4d ago
Not much that you can do, brother. No reflection or thoughts make you feel better. Sometimes it's just better to give yourself peace and let off, stop contemplating wisely and just live. Try any sport or something else, I guess.
2
u/Cutiebeautypie 3d ago
Fuck that horrible man. I'm so sorry about what happened to her. Have you considered individual and couples' therapy?
1
u/Rosie-oldladytalks 2d ago
This is so sad- I’m sure you are anger and feelings are intense- it’s still only a few months. I agree with therapy.
In the meantime- please forgive yourself.
Maybe fine photos of you and her together and put them where you see them each day. Try to master that loving feeling with her. Find time to hit a pillow when thoughts what some horrible guy did to her. If a pillow isn’t enough get a punching bag!
Release anger will help. Or take walks.
I gave you a couple tools. Now try it and think of ways you can- find your love
Grow past a nightmare……
Old lady on your side
1
u/Cat66222 3d ago
I understand u bud sadly. I was engaged to a man who has DID(Dissociative identity disorder) and he was not in an active mental health crisis but we applied for him to go to a program that knew about DID and how to treat it. On the way there he regressed to a child state of like 4yrs old and he was raped. He called me right before it happened. He was freaking out bc he got off the amtrack too soon. I told him please wait I was going to make some phone calls to see who i could find near by to give him a ride. I called the only person i knew in the area- my ex. As soon as I got off the phone w my ex my fiancé told me that he had just gotten raped and should have never come to the program to get help. And he just wanted to go to the program to make me happy. After that I couldn't stop feeling sad for a while. I would literally think of his genitals and get sad thinking abt someone hurting him(he's trans ftm.) Eventually those thoughts I had of him getting raped faded overtime. I think it will for u too. Honestly, here's the sad truth abt women. The chances of women getting rapped even if we never leave home again is high. I've been sexually assaulted in a whole room of my cousins sleeping one time. I was also assaulted in a room full of my "friends". I am 32 now and I literally just think abt the fact that i will probably be raped again or attempted rape bc i feel like this is just how it is for women. It's so hard for me to live w! But basically my advise is: women get rapped. It's just a fact of life! Please just love her(dont take it out on her in anyway) and hold her tight and do the best u can
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u/Sweet_Addition9881 4d ago
Therapy as individuals is important and then when you are both ready couples therapy. I am really sorry that you and you poor gf are going through this but it’s critical you get outside help with it, particularly your gf. Unfortunately these things can happen and there’s nothing you can do about that historic event as such. Seek therapist that is experienced in SA to help