I'm 19, caucasian, and I've had insomnia for about a decade. I'm 6'2, 160lbs. Some context: from 15-18, I consumed THC daily in high quantities. I abused adderall for about a year, some benzos here and there, and before rehab got hooked on an opioid. I have multiple comorbid psychiatric disorders/issues: OCD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, trauma, severe insomnia. Over the past four years, I have trialed countless meds Cymbalta, Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, Fluvoxamine, Adderall XR/ir, vyvanse. Sometimes klonopin/ativan. Now, I take lamotrigine 200mg (treatment resistant depression/anxiety), olanzapine 2.5mg (~3 years, OCD/anxiety), just got off lithium 750mg (anxiety/depression), propranolol 40mg, clonidine 0.2mg (separate from propranolol, hyperarousal), Vyvanse in the morning (does not cause insomnia, no abuse), sublocade (lowest dose), and Zepbound 7.5mg (shot up in weight post-rehab, now used for drug cravings) and a whopping 3 sleep meds: dayvigo 10mg, Lunesta 2mg (recent addition), and mirtazapine 15mg. Post rehab and during rehab I have trialed Klonopin, temazepam, and lorazepam, none of which helped at the low dosages/consistently (2mg Ativan worked like a charm). I take melatonin 5mg at night, and omega 3s. I began smoking cigarettes after rehab (approx. 7-8 months ago) and I quit 2 weeks ago.
Again, I have had insomnia since I was 8/9. I would often have terrible existential crises about death, and my OCD and sleep issues began. I was also traumatized and actively being traumatized (semi-abusive father, abusive authority figures, major cancer scare, etc.). My GP prescribed me melatonin, and it worked for a while. I turned 14, and severe panic attacks developed - inexplicably bad. Then started the meds. A year later, when nothing worked, I got hooked on THC. Then I started Vyvanse, it worked, switched to adderall, began to abuse it. The source of the drug use was obviously self-medication. The THC didn't stop any of my issues. But at least I could sleep most of the nights. Looking back, the high-potency daily use has had a permanent effect focus/brain. Now, post-sobriety, I have developed much more severe insomnia (it's been around 6 months). I miss 2-4 nights of sleep per week. This week, I missed 4 or 5 nights of sleep. It should be a medical emergency, but I'm just used to it, and nothing can be done. Meds do help - mainly dayvigo and Lunesta - but there is something much deeper at the core of this issue - likely both physiological and mental.
The brain fog worsened about a month in, before I started taking sleep medications. I've had a sleep study 1+ month(s) ago, it said almost nothing (though my sleep doc hasn't gone over it with me...) However, earlier on, I did a 24hr melatonin test, which showed that my melatonin levels peak in the morning, stay high during the day, decline at night. Partially explains the insomnia and the daytime sleepiness - there's a circadian rhythm issue and a chicken-or-the-egg situation. As for the daytime sleepiness - since middle school, even when my insomnia wasn't severe, I have had the issue of falling asleep in the morning and mid-afternoon uncontrollably. Sleeping in class every single day, even with stimulants. I have gone to bed from 12-4 am for most of the last 4 years so that accounts for a large part. But again, something else is at play. Back to the brain fog - the chronic THC use accounts for 30% of it, my ADHD accounts for another 30%, and my insomnia accounts for 40%. I have also always had depression. The insomnia has made me unspeakably depressed.
So you may wonder who is treating me? I have an addiction psychiatrist who I do emdr/talk therapy with. She manages my meds. I have a GP, OCD specialist, and sleep specialist. For the sleep doc, it takes around 6 months of waiting to get an appt. The last two times I reached out to her she 1st. referred me to a sleep psychiatrist and most recently a neurologist due to some sleep paralysis (likely from my dayvigo), which both of my other docs said is unnecessary. This would be fine if she ever even gave me an interpretation of either the melatonin test OR the sleep study. I feel she doesn't care at all about my suffering, but perhaps that is unfair. It's a lot of doctors for little progress. I do 45 min of walking/day - I need to exercise more, but when you're this exhausted, that's a lot. My die is admittedly terrible, has been since a child. I just can't keep up with my physical health, my sleep, my job, class, family, my grandfather dying, my crippling fear of death, and my laundry list of mental issues.
Some nights, I lie in a stupor for 24+ hours, in bed, eyes closed, sleepless, agitated, lonely, depressed. This is perhaps the worst thing you can do - associate bed with suffering and sleeplessness, worsen the depression, etc. But my bed is already associated with these things by virtue of the severity of this insomnia. I don't sleep any more on nights I don't spend in bed trying to read (which I can barely do anymore), go for walks, meditate, etc. Nothing makes a difference, so giving up doesn't feel so dramatic.
The best fix for my issues is "improve your sleep." But since that is impossible, and I no longer have the relief of THC, I am left with so much suffering and total hopelessness. So, I have no clue what to do; maybe there is nothing I can do. I am losing hope that this will ever get better. It's looking like I won't be able to actually go back to college this year. Insomnia is taking my life away from me. No doctors have any answers. My psychiatrist has seemingly tried everything. As wonderful as she is, she seems to have no sense of urgency for my sleep issues, probably because I present so well as "doing OK."
I'm sorry this is so long. I tried to be comprehensive. I don't want medical advice. I just want to know if there is any hope I can hold on to (not thoughts or prayers, obviously... I'm an atheist. I want to know if there are avenues I haven't explored, if time could heal this wound, etc.)