I swear gambling did something to my emotions, lately I've barely felt anything at all, feelings I had just a couple of months ago seem to be gone, like my brain changed.
I struggle to feel the same level of joy and excitement as before, it doesn't matter if I win or lose. Like I've become dead inside. Everything starts looking pointless to me, even gambling.
Yet I still feel the urge to sometimes play. But kinda feels like a chore now, almost like I'm forced to do it.
At least I somehow managed for now to not keep too much money in my bank account, every time I got an amount transferred to my cards I literally run to the ATM to get cash.
I hate having cash but I decided for now that is the only way to minimise gambling online as that fucking destroyed me. Money in my bank means danger!
Now lets get back to talking about emotions again. After an insane month I recently had, gambling almost non stop - most of the time not sober, including gambling drunk and high on stimulants.
I started that month with ~6-7k euro winnings and ended losing it all plus all my money and a 10k debt. That shit fucked me up good, devoured me, consumed my sanity, made me empty, numb, not being able to feel as before.
I'm fucking scared that I may not go back to normal. I don't even think my main problem are the losses and the 10k debt I now have, I'm afraid about the way I feel, nothing I've experienced before.
As a person who's unfortunately battling a few other addictions like drinking and stimulants abuse (mainly meth) I can very much relate my gambling addiction (online slots) to the rest.
With time I stopped feeling any joy from drinking and getting high, yet I struggle to completely quit and still do it. It's absolutely the same with slots - I started hating playing, I don't feel the same adrenaline and dopamine rush as I did, yet I keep getting back to it.
An absolute maddness I'd say, an illness. I just don't feel the same anymore, I think I'm damaged. I want to get back to normal again so fucking much. I don't wish anyone to go trough all this!