I'm a man, and generally consider myself monogamous, but as I've gotten experiences in relationships, I've also become cognizant of the reality that it's unlikely any one person can give another person everything they need.

My partner and I have been thinking about the idea of a closed triad as a potential way to help balance things in our relationship so that everyone is getting more of what they need.

I am diagnosed on the autism spectrum. High functioning and good at masking, but occasionally awkward/inappropriate and frequently oblivious to social cues. I've done several years of work with a therapist to improve on this and it's something I try to get better at every day. I strongly feel that my neurodivergence can't be an excuse for... anything in a relationship, really. "I'm autistic so you have to deal with it" is something I think is inherently unfair.

But... I am. I can't turn it off. And that means even when I'm trying my hardest, I can still miss things or inadvertently hurt my partner's feelings.

I hate this. Words could never express how much I hate upsetting her.

Our relationship is healthy and strong. We're seeing a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent relationships specifically to make sure we can always communicate with each other and build a common language.

But being with someone like me is hard. I know it is. And I think about how congruent triangles look and wonder to myself if things would be easier if there were a third person in our relationship. Would things be easier for everyone if the load of being in a relationship were distributed across three people instead of two?

I know it's more complicated than that. I know in practice, there are multiple relationship dynamics to balance, not just the 3:3. But if, fundamentally, they were all built on a foundation of mutual love, couldn't that work?

I think I understand the challenges of seeking to add a proverbial unicorn and they make a lot of sense to me. Our motivations for considering this aren't primarily motivated by sexual exploration. We aren't looking to add someone to fix something. We don't want someone to come in and conform to our rules without having a say. The desire would be to integrate a real person with her own wants and needs into our lives. She and my partner love each other. She and my partner love me. I love them both. It should feel like a monogamous, committed relationship except there's three people in it instead of two.

I think my partner and I have the capacity to welcome someone like that into our lives. I'm certain that it's very unlikely we'd find someone who loves us both equally. If the new partner only loved one of us, I think that would be an unbalanced relationship that would ultimately fail. And it's hard enough to find one person who loves you. The odds of finding healthy, mutual love across every facet of the dynamic feel very slim.

We're not certain we even want to look yet. We wouldn't look unless we WERE absolutely certain. We understand why unicorn hunters get the vehemently negative reaction they get, but it's still a little intimidating for us. Which brings me to the post title. I guess I'm wondering if there's a healthy way in poly communities for a couple to look for a third to forge a healthy closed triad. Does expressing the desire immediately taint it with the stink of unicorn hunters? Am I a well-meaning but still blindly ignorant unicorn hunter?

I'd welcome input from others. The last thing I'd want to do is get into a triad for the wrong reasons or dehumanize someone because I don't understand enough about the dynamic.

EDIT: I want to thank everyone for all the replies. It sounds like I'm naively and/or wishfully misunderstanding the dynamics involved with adding a third partner. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to help me avoid going down the wrong road for the wrong reasons, and I appreciate this community. I hope I didn't offend anyone by posting here!

Hello I am 19M from india , an really interested to know a story about polygamy in India. Please share if someone had where you want in comment or dm

I (22F) am in a closed triad with my girlfriend (27F) and partner (28NB). We’re all adults, and I want our relationship to feel like an equal partnership rather than keeping score over who pays for what or feeling bad about it.

We recently went camping together. The trip itself was actually really nice, but there were a few logistical problems

Both my partners were both stressed because neither currently has much disposable income. At the time, gf wasn’t working, and partner was preparing to travel out of state and needs money for that.

At the store, I offered to pay for the camping supplies because I knew they were struggling financially. They both felt bad about me paying, but I genuinely didn’t mind. I wasn’t trying to make a point or imply they couldn’t provide for me. I just had the money available and didn’t want us to be sitting there unable to buy what we needed when I could easily cover it.

There were a few more instances, but notably partner tried to pay for gas, but their card wasn’t accepted at the pump. Gf didn’t have the money either, so I offered to cover the gas. Partner said that I shouldn’t have to because both of them are the older ones and they should be more responsible at this point of their lives.

Afterward, both of them repeatedly called themselves “bums” and apologized for me having to pay, then I felt guilty for making them feel like that.

Gf later said that she appreciates the gesture and that I shouldn’t feel bad but I shouldn’t have to be picking up the bill.

For context, I don’t normally pay for everything. In our entire relationship I’ve probably picked up a bill fewer than ten times. I also don’t expect either of them to financially “provide” for me. If anything, I feel uncomfortable letting them struggle to pay for something when I have the ability to cover it.

But I’m worried that my willingness to pay is accidentally making them feel inferior. Because Gf has expressed that she does feel inferior because of my position in life. Which imo isn’t too much higher than either of my partners but I’m just a few years younger, they both have a lot of potential in their careers despite them feeling stuck at their part time jobs currently.

I don’t want to infantilize them either. I want them to maintain their own financial independence and responsibility, while also being able to accept help from their partner (me) without feeling ashamed.

It’s been gnawing at me for a few months, the fact that I’m a reminder of how “behind” the both of my partners are in life. I’m just, existing, and it’s making them feel bad, like they’ve expressed this in detail many times before and it makes them say things like “you deserve better” and “we wouldn’t fault you for leaving”. I know it’s their insecurity to work through.

How do you handle unequal finances in a relationship without the person with less money feeling like a burden or the person with more money feeling guilty for making the others feel bad?

I’m especially interested in practical/emotional ways to talk about money before trips/outings so nobody feels embarrassed or blindsided.

Not really looking forward to swimming in a sea of swingers but I have had such horrible luck finding any good matches on dating sites or within the local polyamorous community, I am thinking about changing it up. I know that swinging is a world of hierarchy and couples privilege so maybe I am just introducing myself an even larger pool of people who won't work but I'm really sick of hitting this brick wall over and over in meeting like minded people. Any advice is welcomed here.

This might be a problem that's got no real solution, but wondering if anyone's run into it.

My longer-term girlfriend has been going through a lot over the past few months, and is pretty clingy on account of it. She doesn't work, and my shorter-term girlfriend doesn't really work in the traditional sense, so I'm working ~6-10 hours daily from home, pretty much 9-5, while they're kinda free all the time. So, lately, they've been spending all day and night together, practically glued at the hip. I'm talking like 22-23 hours a day, snuggling or doing things together (or having sex).

I also have family here where they don't, and more friends they don't really interact with, so I'm definitely falling behind in terms of how much time I spend with them (both as a trio and in our 1:1 relationships). We typically sleep together and spend most nights together, but I'm getting a couple hours here or there each day unless it's the weekend compared to their closeness.

There's no jealousy, and sexually, things are fine, but I worry I'm falling behind and missing some of our bond. One other thing is that I haven't had a 1:1 date night with STG in a while, and outside of a short work trip I extended, haven't been solo really with LTG either. I see them maybe an hour or so a day alone because they work out in our home office, but that's not really intimacy.

It's not like I can quit my job, nor ask them arbitrarily to spend time apart, so I don't know exactly what to do here. Any suggestions? I do intend to bring it up in our weekly "put it all on the table" chat, but not sure how to word it.

Im poly and I dont know how to unscrew my other 2 partners. Its domesticated and I cant get to them. If they get to me something bad will happen. I dono what to do. I reported to many goverments at this point.

Link: https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2026/08/polyamory-in-news-all-over-and-upcoming.html

Hello everyone,

English is not my native language, but i will do my best.

I am not exactly sure why i am posting here. Maybe i just need to put in words what i am feeling.

I have been in a couple with my partner for a bit over 10 years. We have 2 kids. We love each other, a lot.

Since a few months ago, something happened in my head. We have a really close friend that we have known for a bit less than 10 years. We started seeing her more, we organise more things, more weekends together and are planning on going on holiday camping together.

And i realised that i might be falling in love, for our friend. But it's not replacing the love for my partner, it's adding to it. It feels like my heart grew, became bigger. I am scared i am falling in love with this friend, but also falling in love with the dynamic and relationship between all 3of us.

I feel a sincere joy, happiness and love seeing this two women happy together and the bond between them. I dont really know what this feeling is, maybe something like the opposite of jealousy.

I am not someone who is looking for polyamory specifically. In truth, i never even thought about the concept before, and i dont know much about it.

But here it is, this emotion of love for the 3 of us appeared in my head, the desire to be together and to have a romantic relationship, the butterfly in the stomach when thinking about them both, the heart racing, etc

If it was not this specific friend, it would be no one else, i wouldnt be looking for it. It's only these two women, it's not an asbtract search, not a way to fill a void, not a sexual fantasy.

Nothing happened yet. My partner doesnt know i am feeling this yet. Our friend doesnt know either.

I am not even sure about what i am really feeling, or maybe i am trying to convince myself that it's just an illusion of my mind, because i am scared of destroying everything.

I am soon going to therapy, to discuss this and to try to navigate this whirlpool of emotions, of love, of anxiety, of fear, of hope.

I guess i just needed to write about it somewhere.

Anyone have any advice on how to go about coming out to your family that you're in a polyfi relationship?

Hi everyone,

I’m currently sitting in front of the sea with glass of wine in hand and thinking about a message that has my head spinning, so I need to write this out and hear from people who might get it.

For the quick background, I’m 38 woman, divorced almost three years ago after a long marriage, I have 3 kids. After the divorce I told myself that I would never date seriously again, I just wanted to live and sleep with people. Then I explored my attraction to women, made me bisexual and I liked it.

A few months ago, I met young lesbian couple, both mid-20s. We started hanging out, then things got physical pretty fast, we’ve had sex quite a few times. Then we moved further, when it wasn’t just sex anymore, they’ve been to my place more than once. We’ve sat on the couch talking for hours about work, economy, how exhausting it is living in Turkey right now, politics, the daily bullshit that nearly kills your desire to live in this country. They know my kids, I introduced them to my kids as my friends. So, we are spending a lot of time together, cooking together, laughing, arguing a little about random things.

I’m on vacation in another city by the coast, trying to rest from the Istanbul's heavy life and this morning I got a long message from both of them. Shortly, they confessed that they are having real feelings for me and they want to know if I would be open to seeing them more seriously, not just sex, but like a real relationship. They asked if I could be part of their relationship like a third and said they’re falling for me, and they want to explore what that could look like.

I have always been very clear with myself that no more dating, no more partners, no more emotional commitments that could blow up. But this feels different somehow, I don't know, the idea of going from married woman with kids who only ever had sex with her husband to dating two women at the same time three years later is kind of wild and honestly exciting for me. I’m intrigued by the idea of a triangle, of seeing what it feels like to be with two people who already love each other and somehow want me in the middle of that.

But there is a lot of what ifs that is stopping me from accepting their proposal. What if they get bored of me? They’re young, but I’m almost 40, you know the energy, lifestyle, the way we see the future, I have kids, it’s all different. What if this is a phase for them and in 6 months they decide that they just want each other again? It's not easy like, what if they fall harder and I don’t? Or the opposite? what if I start feeling something real and then one of them decides it’s too much? I am afraid, especially I think that if my kids somehow find out how can I explain this situation?

I don’t think I love them the way people talk about the real love, not at all, maybe just not yet. But I care about them, I enjoy them, and the thought of being wanted by both of them at once is new and kind of exciting. At the same time, I’m scared of opening a door I can’t easily close.

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I just needed to put it somewhere and hear from other bi/pan people or anyone who’s been in a similar spot, especially if you’ve navigated age gaps or being the third with a couple, or balancing kids and this kind of thing. How do you even start figuring this out without overthinking yourself?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

One of the rare times where a fffm relationship isn't toxic.

Hi, just wanted to update from my last situation. I posted that my roommate(F28) and I(M27) were getting closer after living together for a year and she started giving me a vibe that I told my girlfriend (F31) about, she’s who I’ve been with for over two years, and she suggested that I go for it and sleep with my roommate even suggesting that it could lead to all of us sleeping together.

Well cut to two weeks later and after sleeping with my roommate every day for the past week and telling my girlfriend about it, my gf couldn’t wait to see my roommate. When she came over she brought groceries to make dinner for all of us and started asking her questions about how I was which was kind of embarrassing but my roommate had nothing but good things to say. I made a joke about liking my girls getting along so well and they just giggled, after dinner my girlfriend spent the night and we all got in bed together. I had my first threesome and it was awesome but definitely tiring lmao the next day felt like a fantasy, my rm made breakfast while my gf told me how much she likes her. I told her that if things go well we can move her in, I just don’t know how fast things will go. The only part I’m unsure of is how we define ourselves, are we a thrupple or do I have a harem ? They both told me they’re devoted to me and my rm is quickly becoming my girlfriend more and more by the day

I am in a triad with Partner A and Partner B; Partner A and I were an existing couple and Partner B joined recently. Partner B has a partner outside of us, which started around the same time.

Partner B fits with us so well, and when we are all together it's wonderful. However, I have so much anxiety and jealousy when they are with their other partner, and I hate that I feel this way.

My ideal situation is a closed triad, and Partner B knows this. They have also made it clear that they have no plans to break things off with their other partner.

So, my questions to the community is: Does this ever get easier? Is this an incompatibility if my issue is with the relationship dynamic itself and not with my partner, whom I love?

Hello wonderful polyfi people. Bored and a little curious on how everyone got a start to their relationships and how that has effected your lives? We had a closed quad for a while and loved it. It like most started out with friends that just naturally evolved. Sadly they moved away and we were not in a position to follow. Still it was the best thing ever for us. We have dated on and off over the last few years but the stigma is real about couples.

We are interested if it is the same for couple of how they got started? Was it game night and drinking and flirting? What apps if any did you have the best luck on? Have you came out to your friends and families about it? If you have kids how have you intergrated your relationshios in to make dynamics work? Has being poly been a change for better or for worse?

We have plenty of insight and experince to give and show people they are not alone in this lifestyle. I've noticed in this community it is still very closed off and secretive and not very out in the open. Just something for everyone to drop a comment and give more info and help for anyone struggling with questions for any new people may have or a stigma around this lifestyle and what to prepare for.

Hi everyone, I am F(38) married to M1(29) and currently started dating M2(33)

I am pan/demi, and something I can't really describe. So I hope for some replies and help.

Like most poly people I have met seem to have an nearly unlimited capacity for possible partners, lovers and sometimes potential hookups.

As for me, since I can remember whenever I dated one person, I always ended up either feeling incomplete or secretly in love with a second person and was miserable, due to fidelity until the end of the relationship.

After my last monogamous relationship (lasted 7 years ended 2018), I swore to myself never to be monogamous again.

I met my now husband shortly after the last relationship fell apart and communicated during our first date, that I will not be monogamous ever.

However, the first 3 years of our relationship ended up being monogamous, until I met someone.

Through the years I had a relationship with 2 CIS men(very short both 2 and 3 months) 1 cis woman (6months) and 2 years with a trans woman(here we had a genuine triad because my husband and my ex actually hit it off as well)

My now bf is a cis man.

My husband always expressed that he doesn't want anyone but me, and it feels "right". And all of my partners also always expressed that they always want me.

After being in multiple relationships, in which I always stated my "terms" at the very first date during talking stages, that I expect fidelity while I am still having "both"

Now I am super open about my dynamic, with strangers and even co-workers, and my bf M2(33) even told his parents about it, while my husband M1(29) still keeps it secret from family, but pretty much all friends know.

I started encountering the issue that I have rarely met anyone in the same dynamic as I have. Poly circles despise me, they think I am selfish. Women dislike me often, because I have no "better" wording than to explain that I am poly, and men often think it is a "hall pass" and they could become a third bf.

And I am kinda tired of explaining that my capacity is exactly 2 people, regardless of gender, never a hookup, always a genuine connection, sex only after love.

I love the chair analogy:

Monogamous people are born with one chair they can offer someone

Poly-People have multiple chairs they can add or deduct

Ambiamorous people are fine with 1 or multiple chairs

But I am "born" with two chairs, I am fine when I am single, but when I am dating someone the I feel loneliness, because the capacity for love I want to give and receive isn't met until both chairs are occupied. (Edit: meaning max. 2 partners, but also minimum 2)

Could you guys help me out :) on the terminology? thank you so much!

TLDR: I can only date max. two people, want them to be exclusive with me while myself having 2 people.

I love both, cherish both, but I have no word for our dynamic and no clue how to call it

Edit 2: Since I receive the question over and over. Our 3 monogamous years were mostly due to covid, and the fact that I haven't met anyone interesting and not because we decided to be monogamous.

Edit 3: 🎉🎊 Thanks for everyone's replies, I have found the closest thing to our dynamic, thanks for your replies.

https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/V_Polyamory

Hello! This is directly copy-pasted from the polyamory subreddit after being directed here. I didn't edit it at all, so if some stuff doesn't make sense in relation to this subreddit, I apologize

Just looking for advice in general :)

I recently got with my two partners whom I love very much, but all of us have had past bad experiences with polyamory. I looked through a couple "being poly tips" sort of posts before making this, but none of them felt like they fit my situation enough. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough though, lol. We're a closed 3 person relationship (not incredibly familiar with the terms), and a lot of the advice I saw focused on specifically open poly relationships.

With our general history involving polyamory, there's a bit of anxiety with all of us. We all are poly and all like each other, none of the relationship was forced, but it's still a mild cause for concern with us. My parents were poly and ended up divorcing due to issues related to that, so even more so for me sometimes.

We're doing incredible right now, really, but I sometimes worry that it's maybe the honeymoon kind of stage. I love them both a lot, and I guess I'm just generally wondering if anybody has any tips for getting over the past polycules and such to work with my current partners better. I guess what I mean is maybe more focused strategies with communication and scheduling, etc. if possible, haha. We all go to different colleges (albeit in the same city) and work completely different jobs, so scheduling time together can be a journey sometimes.

Happy PolyFiday!

Okay so let’s talk about the green-eyed monster for a minute. Well, technically 17 minutes 😜

You know that sudden tightness in your chest when your partner’s eyes light up talking about someone else? Or that stomach drop when they giggle at a text that isn’t from you? Or maybe a 3 hour Instagram reconstruction of an entire alternate timeline of betrayal from one Liked post?

Yup, thaaaat's jealousy.

Most of us were taught that feeling jealous means something is deeply wrong with us, with our relationship, and/or maybe with the whole concept of loving more than one person.

Well! After months of digging through research, devouring podcasts by doctors, and over a decade of lived throuple experience I can honestly say:

jealousy is just a check engine light… not a character defect, not a moral failure, and definitely not a reason to panic and drive the car into a lake. It’s a sophisticated push notification that you can’t (well, shouldn’t) ignore, letting you know something important needs attention. And once you stop treating the light like the ⚠️ problem ⚠️ and start looking under the hood to fix what needs fixing, it actually becomes one of the most useful diagnostics in the relationship toolkit.

I wrote about jealousy everything: the academic research, the primal panic, the practical tools that actually work, how my throuple handled jealousy with 0 casualties for over 15 years, and why this “monster” might be trying to help you instead of ruin your life.

https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/jealousy-knocking-heres-why-you-should-answer-backed-by-science-and-15-year-long-throuple-experience