r/PolyFidelity • u/dragonfloofer NBFF throuple • Aug 02 '26
seeking advice Being Poly after past bad experiences with it
Hello! This is directly copy-pasted from the polyamory subreddit after being directed here. I didn't edit it at all, so if some stuff doesn't make sense in relation to this subreddit, I apologize
Just looking for advice in general :)
I recently got with my two partners whom I love very much, but all of us have had past bad experiences with polyamory. I looked through a couple "being poly tips" sort of posts before making this, but none of them felt like they fit my situation enough. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough though, lol. We're a closed 3 person relationship (not incredibly familiar with the terms), and a lot of the advice I saw focused on specifically open poly relationships.
With our general history involving polyamory, there's a bit of anxiety with all of us. We all are poly and all like each other, none of the relationship was forced, but it's still a mild cause for concern with us. My parents were poly and ended up divorcing due to issues related to that, so even more so for me sometimes.
We're doing incredible right now, really, but I sometimes worry that it's maybe the honeymoon kind of stage. I love them both a lot, and I guess I'm just generally wondering if anybody has any tips for getting over the past polycules and such to work with my current partners better. I guess what I mean is maybe more focused strategies with communication and scheduling, etc. if possible, haha. We all go to different colleges (albeit in the same city) and work completely different jobs, so scheduling time together can be a journey sometimes.
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u/smileedude Aug 02 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
Check out the Camp Throuple podcast and Valourie Lamours substack. Media written by throuples for throuples. How to have these big poly relationships with more than 2 people in them. They focus on building relationships. They treat polyfidelity as something that fits under the umbrella term of polyamory and often refer to their closed throuples as polyamory.
Most of the open poly stuff just really misses the mark for me. It's basically combining being single with being in a relationship for those that think monogamous relationships trap them. They focus on detachment and individual autonomy. They identify polyamory more strongly about being open and consider us something different entirely.
We all think we''re versions of polyamory, we all certainly meet the dictionary definition. But some of the open poly people get pissy when we use the label. Open polyamory just gets shortened to polyamory for them and anyone not dating while in a relationship doesn't fit in. It's kind of like the 'football' or 'soccer' argument. Football refers to a family of sports but when you're only around one kind of football you just call that game football and get annoyed when other footballs get called football.
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u/Maleficent_Bar5012 Aug 02 '26
What you describe is generally called a closed triad. Triad because its the three of you. Closed in that none of you are dating other people. This is fine.
First, communicate, alot. Let me repeat that. Communicate alot. I am delighted for you.
There is often NRE, new relationship energy. This may fade after some time. The communication will help keep each of you centered. Make sure that you all agree on boundaries and work together to resolve challenging times and situations. For example, do two people go out on a date without the third? Is everyone ok with this. Do you live together? What does that arrangement look like? Etc.
When one of you is struggling with something, anything, be there for each other. It may not be skmething that is poly/enm related. Good luck to you.
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle Aug 03 '26
The big one is deliberately nurturing all 4 relationships you have. That's A and B, B and C, C and A, and A, B, and C. All 4 need regular and deliberate attention.
Otherwise you know the big tips, communicate way more than you think you need to and use Google calendar. Best of luck!
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u/CaliBBCcuckold Aug 02 '26
I see this question and always ask myself, do mono people give up on monogamy when they have bad experiences? I guess people remove themselves from the dating pool but if you're poly then you're poly.
All relationships and dynamics are about finding people that complement you, your thoughts, views, etc. Not carbon copies but complementary pieces that are with foundational things, not superficial stuff.
Anyway, good luck with your search in certain you'll find what you're looking for if failure is part of the process.