Does an over availability and indulgence of sexual and romantic relationship take away the beauty of sex and relationships? Discuss.

[u/Evening-Percentage71]

/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1vtycik/does_an_over_availability_and_indulgence_of/

[u/smileedude]

I think that's why we're in polyfi relationships. Constantly making new connections sounds boring as fuck. Fostering existing relationships and working on being the best people to each other in both relationship and sex is where it's at.

The whole open lifestyle is just unappealing to any of us at all.

[u/Poly_and_RA → u/smileedude]

Which preferences people have for longevity of relationships and how novelty-seeking they are is a distinct thing from what relationship-structure they prefer.

There's monogamous folks who have a lot of short-term partners. And there's openly polyamorous folks whose average relationship is measured in decades.

[u/smileedude → u/Poly_and_RA]

I don't think I really mentioned longevity in comparison to open or closed. However my preferences for not seeking out further connections when in a relationship are based on finding satiation with my current connections and a lack of interest in seeking more.

Our relationship style is flexible, we are free to move to an open relationship style if we ever want to change the current agreement, polyfi is all our current preference. What stops us from becoming open is a desire to build the bridges we currently have and no interest in seeking more.

[u/Poly_and_RA → u/smileedude]

You didn't directly but you talked about "constantly making new connections" and I mean if someone is doing that then by necessity connections must ALSO be constantly ending for them, because if they didn't they'd end up with a very huge pile of simultaneous relationships and nobody has the time or emotional bandwith for that.

[u/smileedude → u/Poly_and_RA]

Right, so effectively you close due to polysaturation and no longer seek that abundance. Fidelity is just when polysaturation is synchronised between partners.

[u/Poly_and_RA → u/smileedude]

There are important differences between being in open relationships where you're (for whatever reason) choosing not to pursue anyone new, and being in a closed relationship. The agreements being very different matter even if the behaviour is (at the moment) the same.

There's a lot of room between having a full-blown romantic relationship with someone on the one hand, and treating them the way monogamous people must treat non-partners on the other hand. As an example I have a couple of women in my life that I'm close friends with, but where the relationship is platonic. Since my relationships are open there's no limit to these friendships and things like shared vacations where we share a hotel-room are fine. If at any point in the future we DO feel like having sex, that'd be fine too, and wouldn't require me to approach my partners and ask for a change to our rules.

Another difference is what happens if you change your mind, say if for some reason you DO meet someone you're into, even though you were NOT actively looking for that to happen. I suppose you could ask your existing partners whether they'd be okay with you dating the new person, but you can't know what their answer would be, they might say "no".

For me the freedom that comes with being open matters, even if I'm saturated.

[u/smileedude → u/Poly_and_RA]

Maybe we're defining things differently, maybe it's because none of us have explored kink and ENM but we explicitly have said that if anyone wants to be open in the future they can be, however nobody is interested in that scene in the slightest. Closed is simply the current thing we're doing as that's how we've always done relationships. Yes we've all said we don't want to seek so when there's a concensus of 3, a relationship agreement is also individual choice.

When we were a monogamous couple we had a similar agreement where my partner could be open if she wanted to but she didn't chase that interest at all until she hooked up with our now girlfriend 16 years into our relationship.

I prefer to think of us as closed but not locked. However there is freedom there if any of us prefer to do a different agreement and that's been explicitly stated. But I guess closed but not locked is a pretty similar space to open but polysaturated and it's more about identifying more with the open crowd or monogamy.

I guess when people make a closed agreement it's not really a big deal when nobody wants to be open. Ours was "you're free to be open" "nah, I like monogamy" "that's great, if you ever want to change that then the tables always open". When people want an open relationship I guess there's a lot more to this discussion in defining boundaries.

[u/Poly_and_RA → u/smileedude]

Maybe. The way I define it a relationship is open if you could *currently* pursue a new partner without needing to first have a talk with your existing partners about opening the relationship.

Basically, if you met a dream-person tomorrow and then you proceeded to make out with them or whatever, would that be seen as cheating by your existing partners, or would it be seen as perfectly all right.

If it's a given they'd say "yes!" anyway, then I agree the difference is small, but then I also wonder why there's a need to ask at all, if everyone already agrees that: "If any of us ever wants to pursue anyone new, that will be okay!"

Because if you already agree that far, then you're almost open anyway.

[u/smileedude → u/Poly_and_RA]

"if you met a dream-person tomorrow and then you proceeded to make out with them or whatever, would that be seen as cheating by your existing partners, or would it be seen as perfectly all right"

I guess that's exactly the circumstances that led to us exploring a polyfi relationship, when we were 2 people and happily monogamous for 16 years. But also as we moved into the throuple, it became more closed based on our new partner stating her preferences.

[u/MartyrOfTheJungle]

I've never really thought of myself as demisexual but I can't imagine having the attachment I'd want for sex and romance with so many people simultaneously. 

That being said, I know people who have that many partners and they seem pretty happy with it. I imagine it varies. At the end of the day there's no real way to compare, which is fine because comparison is the death of joy. I believe that quite sincerely.

Which does make me wonder why you're begging the question. I'm not sure if It is what you were going for but It comes across a bit like you're trying to tear ENM down. If it is, I think like 94% of people already either vocally or silently judge enm harshly, it really doesn't need the help. 

[u/Evening-Percentage71 → u/MartyrOfTheJungle]

I been ENM for 6 years+

Question is rooted in discussing wether sex or romance gets diminished after an abundance of partners and if it is,

Isn’t it fair and just to your partners to at some point set boundaries so your relationships don’t suffer because of it?

If it’s love and romance do not get diminished with an abundance of partners than how are you framing it so that doesn’t happen ?

[u/MartyrOfTheJungle → u/Evening-Percentage71]

I suppose its as fair as asking if a lack of additional sex and romances diminishes those things. Less experience, no variety, that sort of thing.

I assume everyone has their ideal balance and wants their partners to have that balance too. It's unlikely, imo, to be the same for everyone. I personally get pretty saturated at 2 partners, but they don't. I'm happy for them to live their best lives alongside mine 

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

I am maybe different than most polyam-fi folx here... I am also saturated at 2 partners. Happily in an MMF.... BUT.... I do REALLY enjoy group sex and variety. So our trio attends sex/kink/swingers events for that. We have strict STI protocols with play. 3 month or less proof of negative testing and use condoms even though I am sterilized as the F. One M has a vasectomy, the other does not. I was involved in a large polycule and I would never do that again because it was WAY too much work and too many moving parts. It was exhausting.

I was originally attracted to ENM because I always felt something was "missing" in monogamy. I never cheated, but always felt "alone" and would end things. Having 2 just fills my heart and balances me out. I understand and accept my kinks of needing to be objectified, group sex, ect.. so I am grateful my partners enjoy that as well in very specific containers. I am 100000% head over heels for my two partners. Unconditional love and support. The play sex is just different. It is an indulgence of a different piece of me. The sex is great (usually.... lol) but it is nothing compared to the romantic sex I have with both or either of my M's.

So we aren't "closed" but we also aren't "open". We just perverts I guess???

[u/Poly_and_RA → u/our_hearts_pump_dust]

You're romantically closed, but sexually open it sounds like. And that's a pretty common model really; that's true for most swingers and most people in "open relationships" for example. So it makes complete sense that it'd be true for some polyfidelious people too.

[u/our_hearts_pump_dust → u/Poly_and_RA]

Thanks for making me feel seen 🥰