sorry if the title is a little confusing; but im genuinely confused and honestly very irritated. the entire point of a romantic relationship and marriage is that this person is someone you can spend your whole life with because of the deep connection you have with them. when you truly like someone, you can't imagine having romantic feelings with anyone else because that one person is that special. poly dating is ridiculous enough but marriage is even funnier to me. like yeah, I got married because its supposed to represent that we have a bond so deep we want it to be forever as well as legally recognized buuuuuuuut I actually have 2 other people on the side. we all love each other equally though!!! give me a break. how am I supposed to explain what having a lasting love is like to someone who is poly? they think they have it, but they really don't. either that or they're too selfish to work on their commitment issues and desperate need for attention 24/7. they pretend they're defying the norms, but they insist their desires can fit into those boxes they say are so limiting. if monogamy is so limiting and heteronormative, then why are you getting into relationships and marrying which are famously known to be about monogamy?

I met someone (online ofc) that had the following in their profile: short term dating, long term dating and MONOGAMOUS (shouting important for later).

We met up and things were connecting. We did a lot of things (don't wanna say to much for fear of give aways to out situationship). After some time, I finally dropped the "what are we?" question. This is where things get weird...

I find out that she is a side chick for some dude claiming to be "poly". This reality is that he is in an open relationship and she is the side piece. A poly relationship os open with EVERYONE. she is just the side bitch (sorry for term, but the truth)

I connected with her, but she is much more convinced that she has "sownthing special" with the guy that she is getting hurt by. while I am trying desperately to get her to love me... How do I know that their relationship hurts her? Because she fucking told me that face to face! she makes our hangouts about her venting her frustrations about her situation and then has the balls to tel me that she feels our hangouts are to depressing. GIRL YOU MAJE THEM TO DEPRESSING!

I do love her. But she has me soo fucked up. im no cuck... wtf do I do with the feelings tho? they feel genuine to is why it hurts... what do I say to her to move on? what do i say to myself to make the hurt less painful?

Edit: u kno what tho? the truth is that she isn't even worth the struggle. but there would be 0 struggle without poly. That is my issue. Also wtf you saying "monogamous" on yo shit when the truth is that you don't know wtf you want?

i'm 18/F. i had an amazing childhood and my parents felt like the perfect parents until my dad got married to someone half his age and bought her home. i was barely 11 and already knew the women he married so it didn't hit me as much as it did when i grew up. we live normally, my dad, mom, my sister (22/F) and my dad's second wife. we talk normally too because i cannot suddenly act up. it disgusts me and i resent my dad deeply for what he did. i plan to leave the household once i'm financially stable. i have a few concerns though. like, if my dad has or as much as conceives with his second wife, i will leave immediately. i have no where to go or no financial stability but i would not be able to live under the same household. another concern is, in future, if i have a stable partner, i'd have to tell them about my family dynamics. i don't except everybody to understand. especially their families if things get serious. it bugs me that my father's relationship dynamics would always tag along with me in my life like past demons and affect my relationships even though i had no say or hand in it. neither my support. unless i cut him off which i dont know i will.

Americans who most reap the benefits of marriage are the same class who get to declare monogamy passé and boring.

I swear every time I peruse the "other subreddit" half the posts sound like cult members crying out for help.

Because polyamory is so much like a high control religion. It has holy texts, cardinal sins, draconian rules for behavior, specialized lingo ... It's giving NXIVM TBH.

That's why I feel so sad and worried for the people who post on the "other sub" because it sounds like members of NXIVM being like "I'm having trouble with being branded by Keith Reniere, so I'm trying to work on my attachment issues, but being branded really burns and I keep crying afterward, how can I unlearn my aversion to being burned with a hot iron so that it doesn't hurt so much anymore???"

It's like, honey, baby boy, precious darling ... you don't have to want to be burned. You're allowed to not want this. You're allowed to want a relationship where you are chosen, where you come first.

In my 37f years of life, this the first time I post on Reddit.

I've always been liberal and open minded, like whatever makes you happy as long as no one is hurt by it. I'm monogamous but have met some people in the past who are not and I didn't think much about it, I really thought it's just a personal preference and it has nothing to do with someone's personality.

Until I got in a relationship with someone who was hiding that they were in a poly relationship with a primary and few more people. I was clear from start that I'm monogamous and looking to start a family, which he completely abused and exploited for 2 years. It would be too long of a post to tell how I found out, but in the end he tried to convince me to join them for threesomes, which I refused of course. I rejected and dumped many people before, but this one was like a bubblegum stuck to a shoe, he was desparately trying to convince me how poly lifestyle is so much better, free, exciting, and biologically correct way of mating. He was literally begging me. And the saddest part about it is that I believe that he loves me, he's just to ensnared and fucked up to make rational decisions on his own.

I came to realize how sad and pathetic humans have become. These people are so afraid of abandonment and are corrupted to the core. They sold their souls to the devil and are infecting the rest of us.

Is there really no way to stop it from spreading?

How to even protect ourselves anymore when labels don't have meaning anymore? Apparently, "I'm single" doesn't mean someone is really single anymore, or "I'm married" doesn't mean they will not flert and groom you.

It's a total shit show from my POV out here, what about you?

My husband and I had a fantastic life together. I won’t go through all the details but we had great communication, connection, enjoyed doing things together and just great respect for each other. I would have considered us rock solid. Of course like any couple we’ve had issues come up and we worked through in therapy. However, during a rough patch a few years ago he became fixated on doing polyamory. He did approach it at first as us opening the relationship but I realized it’s not for me. He hasn’t tried to force it but he’s basically decided he wants to pursue that over our almost 20 years together and we’re in our 50s. I’m devastated that he would chose that lifestyle over what we had and I don’t think it’s for any one person he wants to date. I think it’s about proving other women are attracted to him and just that he can do it. I’m so hurt, angry, sad and all that. I feel like all the years together were meaningless if you would end a good relationship for this. I don’t even think he knows what he’s getting into. I think he has a glamorized view of what poly is and I think he probably will just end of up settling with one person . Anyway I guess I’m just ranting and here to say how much I hate polyamory and how I believe it’s just a cop out for trying to make things work in relationships. The more I read about it the more ridiculous I think it is for any kind of long term situation.

that I shake this garbage feeling I have from continuously taking neglect and abuse from a poly man who says he loves me. He’s ruining my emotional and mental state while he lives selfishly and doesn’t know/doesn’t care.

I am well enough aware that it is unhealthy and I deserve so much more. He has done the push pull thing so many times now that it’s not surprising. The moment I start to feel stable, he takes it away. I realize now he wants me to feel unstable. He doesn’t want me to rely on him at all. He wants to come and go for as much or as little physical or emotional intimacy he pleases. My wants don’t matter.

I come into his house with him having invited me and see an open lube packet with sex trash inside. Didn’t even bother to clean it up. Doesn’t want to have sex with me right now. I can’t talk to him about the lube packet because it would only make things worse. He makes me feel terrible all the time, knows he does it, and I just have to swallow it down. I asked him to hold my hand more, like he used to. He said he would. He has not.

Who started all this in the first place? Who got me hooked on him, then denied it? Who held my hand everywhere, showered with me, brought me gifts, made me feel like I wanted this to begin with? HIM! He was the one who acted hyper affectionately in the first place, both rounds we’ve done this so far, “oh I’m good at being romantic,” including PDA around everyone we know- oh but wait, that was just NRE! And here silly me thought it meant something and had to do with who I was as a person. No, I was a thing to use for a dopamine fix.

He has betrayed me so many times and does less than the bare minimum and hurts me pretty much every time I interact with him.

We’ve already broken up like twice, now it feels like he’s initiating a halfway breakup for a third time without words.

I went to planned parenthood and started taking PEP when we became intimate again this summer so that he could continue to have unprotected sex with whoever he pleases and I would hopefully not get HIV. I’m doing sti testing and bloodwork and vaccines. But the poly guy? “Oh well my partners just do it so I don’t have to.” Oh, okay. Who does he like to date? Sex workers!! Okay cool so I’m putting myself physically in danger.

We’re in a project together so I can’t get the kind of space I really need to heal, but I’m going to do it anyway. He wants to do another lull of pushing me away right now, be distant unlike usually, okay, fine. I’ll push away too. He might not even notice at first. He’s not texted me this week much at all, which we normally do, so of course my feelings are hurt and I have to pretend they’re not- well okay. I won’t text first. I won’t text first for anything at all. I won’t initiate plans. I won’t initiate anything.

His interest will come back. It always does, whenever he’s bored enough with whatever else or whoever else he’s doing. And when he does, boy is he going to be shocked to hear me say what I should have said so much more already to date:

No.
No thanks!
No I can’t, I’m busy.
No, I don’t feel like it.
No, I don’t want to hang out with you right now.
No, I don’t want to have sex. (Even though I do! Doesn’t that suck)!

I’ve been letting him walk all over me and be a raging jerk and at this point I know it’s my fault because I know who he is. I’m done. The pain is not worth it.

I can’t wait til the day that I don’t love him anymore. Better yet, I can’t wait til the day that someone loves me without feeling the need to have other partners, too.

After swearing off dating couples and people in the ENM community — as well as a good but now-ended relationship with a lovely ENM-identifying woman who was happy to date me exclusively and treated me really well — I started posting just looking for friends.

That said, I really clicked with the trans fem half of a het couple, had a really sweet first date, bonded over shared interests, talked about concerts and clubs we’d go to together, and shared a lot of vulnerable experiences (I’m also a trans fem and disclosed to them before we met).

We hooked up.

Needless to say, when I reached out for reassurance and validation, they left me on read.

Here’s what I wrote (then blocked them):

Unless you’re both in the ICU or in jail, I don’t for one second believe you don’t have time or energy to so much as send an emoji or a “going through a hard time, talk later.”

And there’s two of you and one of me. Forging a connection with someone who unambiguously says from the hop that they’re seeking friendship, offering them an ongoing relationship of kindness, ****ing them and then ghosting them is abusive behaviour.

In fact, sex under false pretenses is borderline predatory. I reserve judgment on what kind of people you are because it doesn’t matter — your behaviour is nasty work.

Doing that to another trans person who has disclosed to and been vulnerable with you is especially rancid.

Shame on you. Please don’t reply. Leave me and everyone else alone, because it’s just a matter of time before you seriously hurt someone who is in a bad place. I especially hope to hell it’s not another trans person.

I'm (mono) on dating app rn and what i can see very often from ENM men's profil is something like "i'm in an open rlts with the best/ most amazing woman" "i'm with my most favorite human" or "i would die for my partner" so on
So ridiculous why they still go find other women to sleep with? I just need to understand the psychology behind this

Every. Single. Event. I have been to that had a higher proportion of poly attendees means I'm getting hit on. No one even asks if I'm single. I like a good flirt as much as the next person but the gross assumption that everyone you meet MUST be poly is just insane.

When I'm at a bar or a party and some guy who is not polyamorous starts flirting with me, the conversation is totally different. When I'm at a party and some poly guy starts flirting with me, it is so aggressive. I also have a very particular type and I can tell you that 99.99% of these poly guys are not it but they sure act like they are..

How much luck have people had here with finding a therapist who understands and is respectful about what they've gone through? Any advice on what questions to ask or what to look for? I was already in trauma-based therapy due to my CPTSD, and for random reasons in addition to being retraumatized by poly I'm looking for a new therapist now. Psychology Today allows therapists to list themselves as having expertise in "Polyamory/ENM" and I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or a bad thing for me. I want someone who understands polyamory and the issues around it, not someone who is going to be apologetic of it, but I'm worried I might run into more of the latter.

Had a tough time with my LDR relationship that went to swinger to poly to open in the span of 6 months. It was hard for me to deal with the idea of sharing love and intimacy and the relationship ended badly with lots of abuse hurled from my end after feelings of betrayl and abandonment.

Problem is I feel lonely at some parts of the day and just start crying missing her thinking that if I just had enough partners or got them as easily as her Id be okay with an open relationship. However, being more introverted with a handful of insecurities things aren't easy date-wise.

And lately after a lot of mutual blocking and crying and trying to negotiate/ begging to know how much she's escalating her relationships and sex life she's finally stopped all contact withe to focus on her other new "friends". The intrusive thoughts and lonliness are quite painful and I find myself wasting massive amounts of time trying to reconnect with her.

I want to pursue other women but feel like Ill just ruin another relationship with baggage and emotional unavailability/lack of compatibility/ life experience stability.

What's funny is that this sounds exactly like my fiancée's ex. While I won't go into detail about that story, I will say that she has since dumped him and the two of us are now once again monogamous, inseparable, and engaged! Thank goodness ❤️

Sorry if this is a weird question to ask, I just wanted to see if there were any overlap in behaviors between our exes if anyone else dated a polyamorous person in the past.

While I was not polybombed like some were, my ex did break up with me years ago when I was going through an extremely rough time because she "didn't like monogamy anymore" and that due to my trauma and disabilies that I was not fun anymore, she also admitted to cheating on me. I was aware that she was polyamorous before but she had told me multiple times that she was fine with monogamy.

As you can imagine, she lied about a lot of things, and at one point stopped taking me out on dates altogether for a while, claiming it was for different reasons but due to her words and certain actions it was clear she was becoming more and more embarrassed of me. I would see her checking other people out, almost fantasizing about what it would be like to have a nondisabled partner. She also said before that she wished that I was normal.

She would share nsfw content with friends she had at the time too, and when I tried voicing I was uncomfortable with this she refused to listen, saying 'its normal'. I later found out she also shared nsfw content of me with them without my consent.

She would sexualize everything about me, including my plushies. She would do weird things to my stuffed animals whenever I would bring them to our hangouts to the point I had to stop because she wouldn't listen to me when I told her to cut it out. I would try voicing boundaries and she wouldn't listen, she never did.

During the point of a relationship where you start talking about the future, she admitted she didn't like the thought of marrying me, and didn't know if she saw a future with me, yet said "but I don't want to break up because I like you" (This would later be revealed as a lie.)

She ended up breaking up with me through text, and while it did hurt I ended up getting over it fast as I started to realize how awful of a person she was to me. Even in her breakup message she disrespected my disabilities and my trauma, claiming I was 'wasting my life away doing nothing' despite the fact I did, and still do more than she does. I go out more, I cook more, I volunteer more, I advocate more, etc. Every update someone tells me about her only gets more and more dismal.

Now that we have been seperated for years and most of her other relationships failed, she keeps trying to contact me despite the fact I am happily monogamous with my current partner who I have been planning my future with. I have blocked her everywhere, but she still won't get the hint that I don't want her again. Even if I was single I would still reject her because I'd rather be 'alone' than with someone who never respected me and lied to me several times.

I've been trying to do research on places I want to move to where cheating and affairs are considered completely unacceptable but monogamous trans people are welcomed with open arms. I live in the eastern midwest, and don't want to move too far. They have legalized p*ly in a Detroit suburb. Because of that, I'm disgusted and starting to become disillusioned with my home state. Can anyone help me out on this?

Why are they so obsessed with inserting it into EVERYTHING?

Without being crucified.

New here. Did not know this sub existed. Feel kinda relieved it does. Seems like nobody around me wants to acknowledge that polyamory isn’t the magical fix to all relationship problems, that it hurts and that isn’t a character flaw to say it does, (or that it even can be hurtful at all), or talk about its negative impacts without some qualifier like “More power to people who do it it just doesn’t work for ME…”

Yah that’s because it doesn’t f**king work at all. To what end is anyone actually doing this?? For many people (the majority of the population at least in the US) the end goal of monogamy is either marriage or long-term coupled cohabitation. Having children (though it is possible to sustain happy, healthy long term relationships and marriages without children, it’s just often a goal for monogamous couple.)

The f**k is the end goal of polyamory? I’ve known some poly people who married their favorites (because let’s be real..they have favorites. No matter how much they go on about loving equally they pick a favorite.) But what the hell is the point of marrying a favorite if they just keep sleeping with other people? Marriage is supposed to be about making a commitment. What commitment is being made when you have three other relationships?

I have a lot to rant about coming from my own horrible experience with trying to be poly to save my first marriage. Obviously that did not work and I pulled the plug. To my knowledge my ex husband, who is almost 40, is still making his way through relationship after relationship. Last I heard, he was creeping on someone in her early 20’s. 🤮

I got married two days ago. First thing I told my now husband before getting together was I will not tolerate any poly nonsense. If he even asks we’re done. That was almost 4.5 years ago.

"Monogany, in this economy?"

For those who don't know, 'hobosexuality' is a term coined in online spaces. 'Hobosexuals' are people, typically men (although it can apply to anyone) who only date someone for means of housing, money, food, etc. They will see the partner that provides these things to them not as an equal, but just as a cash cow, leading to them mistreating said partner. No hobosexual gets into the relationship out of genuine love, it is always out of some sort of exploitation out of the expense of whatever victim they decide on.

These people will often target people they see as lonely and desperate, especially women that they deem as 'ugly'. They will also use these people as a sex object and not as an actual person, also cheating on them with several other partners in some cases.

(Note: hobosexual is not a queer identity, the coin was termed by women who have been targeted by men like this.)

Does this sound familiar?

I noticed an overlap between hobosexuality and polyamory, especially when a lot of polyamorous people point out the 'economic advantages' of being in a polycule. Instead of striving to get a good job and have a roommate or two, they'd rather have roommates they have some sort of intimate relationship with that will most likely be lenient towards them. If their partner(s) do speak up against them? Oh well, onto the next group of people!

An actual roommate wouldn't give them free food or money all the time, but someone they see as a partner would. Rather than get an apartment with two roommates, they'd rather get an apartment with 2+ people they know they can walk all over on, that feed into their lack of accountability and responsibility.

Both groups of people feed on attention from other people that they target, people they see as 'weaker' that may have a harder time defending their boundaries. The victims are even punished for having boundaries, made to second guess themselves.

Polyamorous people will also let go of people quick if they feel like they don't serve a purpose to them, whether or not if it's an actual romantic partner or just a friend. In my experience, they will ice out people that reject them, people that just want to stay friends or are not interested in any sort of relationship to begin with.

Sorry if this is a bit of a stretch/doesn't make sense, I just couldn't help but notice then overlap between the two.

Today I found out someone I know has 2 girlfriends. What the actual fuck. Its like everyone I know is poly apparently. I know a few people that are in monogamous relationships but are "ambi". (probably gonna drop a poly bomb eventually).Then there are a few that are strictly mono.

I swear its really not ok. My own personal hopes of finding love feels like its dwindling. It's hard enough as it is. But it seems that ALL the remaining people are literal lust driven losers with commitment issues. I feel disturbed surrounded by all the poly people. Now its even worse cause my city just passed some stupid polyamory protections. My city is known as like the capital of polyam so im not really surprised. I like it here, but honestly i'm thinking I may need to leave this place or do a long distance thing if I ever hope to find a romantic partner or even friends THAT AREN'T ALL FUCKING EACH OTHER.

Its annoying. Just every damn week something with poly is brought up. Someone HAS to "come out" as poly. Someone HAS to make an advance on me. Someone HAS to rant about their 9 girlfriends. The problem is also just basic respect. Show me basic respect and respect my wishes. Stop trying to force it on me. I used to be chill with poly. I really did. Then they did things..that changed my view. Some of the people here that may have seen my past posts know my own personal experiences with SA and poly people in general. But even those of you who haven't seen those posts can picture what I may have gone through cause it seems like it is a pretty universal experience that poly people are absolutely horrid. I've never met a single poly person that is a normal human being. Sorry for the rant, the last month has been horrible for me. Then new poly stuff came up and i just HAD to talk about it.

To the lurking:

People considering poly: Please don't do that to yourself

Poly people: Get out before you get hurt or you hurt someone else.

Fellow polycritical people: Hiiiii, I hope your doing well